An Homage to Petula Clark

♫Don't sleep in the subway, darlin'♫...


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♫Don't stand in the pouring rain♫...


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Sing along, Bitches...

Have Gin, Will Travel

June 14 was World Gin Day but we here at Infomaniac know that EVERY day is gin day.

For those of you who frequent the Gincuzzi, why not try something new? How about a bar on a bicycle?



The Travelling Gin Company is a travelling pop-up bar.

Two Brits dispense gin-based concoctions from their vintage bicycle.





Cocktails on wheels. We here at Infomaniac say "Bottoms up!" to that.

The Return of Charles and Camilla

Charles and Camilla have returned to Canada.




Look away now if you're bored...

Royal Baby Boy

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Just in case you missed the news.

U.S.-U.K. "Special Relationship"

As the Fourth of July winds down and we remember the United States' Declaration of Independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain in 1776, let's take a moment to consider how British accents sound to Americans and how American accents sound to the Brits.


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Is it any wonder your two nations haven't always seen eye to eye?

You can't understand what the feck you're saying to one another!

Signed,

A Canadian, eh?

Wenis Wednesday – Diamond Jubilee Edition

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You KNOW how Mistress MJ feels about socks with sandals.

Official Shorts of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee

In honour of Queen Elizabeth’s 60th anniversary on the throne, we here at Infomaniac present the Official Shorts of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

No, not this sort of thing…


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We’re talking about The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!...



Having adorned the backsides of folk worldwide (including several Infomaniac Bitches,) The Shorts are now in England with the lovely Miss Scarlet…



Head on over to Miss Scarlet’s place, create a caption for the photo of Miss Scarlet wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts (above,) and you could be the next lucky winner!

CLICK HERE to enter!!!

Save the Teapot! Save Our Cuppa!

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Mistress MJ took to her bed at the news that such classic British icons as red phone boxes, red pillar post boxes and Routemaster double-decker buses were disappearing. (Oddly enough, they’re all red!)

As one who watches too much British telly, Mistress MJ has noticed an appalling trend: English folk preparing their tea by dunking a tea bag in a mug instead of taking the time to brew it properly in a TEAPOT!

Teapot sales had halved in the past five years, while demand for mugs had trebled. Tea served in a teapot and poured into China cups is the traditionally British way, but modern drinkers prefer what the retailer called a "lazier method".

Lazy method pictured here…

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Proper method pictured here..

But there is hope.

Enter the Campaign for Civilised Tea Drinking.

Says Debenham’s home design expert Alison Hill: “Tea served in a pot has always been a feature of British life – it’s as famous as the Tower of London or Big Ben. As well as being an historic, pivotal part of everyday family life for generations, tea has helped us through the Blitz, and many hard times since then. We believe it is an essential part of what it means to be British, and therefore we want to do all that we can to preserve this practice for the future.

Save the teapot! Save our cuppa!

Happy St. George’s Day

Happy St. George’s Day to all our Infomaniac Bitches in England!

Cake, anyone?...

Let the Morris Dancing begin…

Our dear KAZ once said…

We have a well known saying in England - "You should try everything in life at least once - with the possible exception of incest and Morris dancing."

We here at Infomaniac are curious as to whether any of you (whatever your nationality) have actually had a go at Morris Dancing.

Or, for that matter, if any of you have ever actually done anything to celebrate England’s (apparently forgotten) patron saint.

The United Kingdom Explained

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Every once in a while, we here at Infomaniac like to try to make sense of The United Kingdom, Great Britain, Ireland …. and what have you… by opening up the topic to you or simply by posting a Venn Diagram…

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Today we have added teaching material in the form of an instructional, yet amusing, video clip.

If you have five minutes to spare, watch and learn OR simply postulate your OWN theories in the comments box.

The United Kingdom Explained from Colin Grey on Vimeo.
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Toodle pip! from Mistress MJ in the Commonwealth Realm.


Note: The script to this video is available here.

Dirty Laundry

A study reveals that half a million Brits wash their bed sheets only THREE TIMES A YEAR!

One in six people admit to waiting at least four weeks before washing their sheets.

A regional chart in this article shows that Londoners are the laziest. 24% said they left it at least a month between washes.

Half of all people surveyed admitted to eating in bed which makes it seem all the muckier, doesn’t it?

Hygiene expert Dr Lisa Ackerley says, "You need to wash your bed linen at least once a fortnight*, and preferably once a week."

So... How often do you wash your bed sheets? (All nationalities may confess).



*fortnight=14 days

Perv of the Day

Welcome to another edition of Perv of the Day.

Infomaniac will, from time to time, seek out the perviest perverts and parade them pantless in front of you, the judge and jury.




THE PERV: David Truscott, 40, of of Redruth, Cornwall, England.

THE PLACE: A farm in Camborne, Cornwall.




THE PERVERSION: Manure fetish.

Truscott broke into a farm, covered himself in manure and was seen masturbating.

He climbed into the manure spreader vehicle - and was found wearing shiny red shorts, rubber gloves and playing in the slurry for "sexual reasons".

The court heard he’s regularly visited this farm for some five years.

The farmer first became suspicious that something odd was going on when he found a water trough filled with manure and tissues scattered around.

The farmer then saw the shape of what appeared to be someone’s bottom and two hand prints where manure had been piled up.

On one occasion a milking parlour had been entered and Truscott had stripped down to his underpants and climbed into a huge vat of manure.

Police who searched Truscott's home found 360 pairs of women's knickers and containers of liquid sludge and hard mud.

Truscott told the officers that he liked to sleep in women’s pyjamas.





THE PUNISHMENT: Charged with breaching the terms of a restraining order and jailed for 20 weeks.

Thanks to Yorkshire’s biggest poofs, Tazzy and Piggy for bringing this story to our attention.

Brits! Brits! Brits!

Non-Brit Infomaniac readers, please bear with us.




It seems we’ve upset the applecart (well, one Welshman, anyway) by lumping all our UK readers under the heading “Brits”.



I object!


Here’s what our Welsh reader had to say …

All i am saying is that you used the word Brit without realing that it is insulting to those who are not English. It is only the English and the population of Northern Ireland who are truly British.

The United Kingdom has four seperate identities within it. Scotland is a seperate country from England. Wales has a seperate border from England, the ROI has a seperate border from Northern Ireland.
You continue to offend many people with your constant misuse of the word Brits.

END OF WELSHMAN'S STATEMENT.

RETURNING NOW TO MISTRESS MJ...

Let’s have a look at this Venn Diagram, shall we?



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The British Isles = England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.

The United Kingdom = England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland.

Great Britain = England, Scotland and Wales.

When I’m referring to people who live in Great Britain and/or the United Kingdom, I refer to them as “Brits”. (Although if I’m including anyone from the Emerald Isle, I’ll usually add “and the Irish” to clarify; regardless of whether they’re from the Republic of Ireland or Northern Ireland).

I do so to simplify matters as I need a label for you lot.

Perhaps it is not technically correct but I need a single word to sum you all up.

Just what do you people want to be called, anyway?

How am I, an ignorant Canuck, supposed to make sense of it all?

Infomaniac now opens this forum up for discussion.

Wisely, Mistress MJ is staying out of this and will observe from a distance whilst nursing a glass of the finest Irish whiskey and having her feet massaged by a willing Franconian. At the close of the day, I shall study your responses and hope to have learned more about the mysterious peoples I call the Brits.

*bitch slaps all of you in advance and sits back*


Please see to it that you resolve this issue immediately.

Stormy Weather

First order of business here on Infomaniac today is to take roll call following Saturday’s storm in the UK.

All present and accounted for?

According to one report, things got so bad that “Firefighters took down a "dangerous" kebab shop sign which had become dislodged by strong winds in Gravesend, Kent.”
*sniggers*

How did you weather the storm?



As for the rest of you, what’s your worst weather memory?

Note: Click both pics for full splendour.

Ugly Brits

Brits are the ugliest people in the world. (Full story here.)

Or so says a dating site, BeautifulPeople.com that only allows “beautiful” people to join.

Let’s turn it over to you, bitches. You be the judge as you size up these Brits for their eye candy appeal ...


Pete Doherty, musician




Ann Widdecombe (left), politician




Lembit Öpik, politician




Jade Goody, dead reality TV star / celebri-whore




Wayne Rooney, footballer




Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall




Amy Winehouse, singer




UPDATE: Susan Boyle, singer (as suggested by Random Chick)


Did we miss anyone? Or are we being too harsh?

If it’s any consolation to you Brits just remember …

At least you’re better lovers than the Germans!

Winner of the “Guess the Brits” Competition

Infomaniac is pleased to announce the winner of the “Guess the Brits” Competition but before we do, let’s have a look at the correct answers …

#1: GRAHAM NORTON


Irish comedian and host of the comedy chat show The Graham Norton Show.

We heart Graham Norton.

For those of you who need an introduction, watch here as Graham peeks in on a speed dating event as Kim Cattrall and Elijah Wood look on.

The clip runs 4 minutes and three seconds so grab a cocktail and enjoy!

Best Wrong Answer

Ms. Nations: “Winston Churchill.”



#2: MATT LUCAS & DAVID WALLIAMS

English writers/actors and stars of the hit comedy sketch show Little Britain.

We have too many fave Little Britain characters to list but if you’re curious about the show you can sample a little “bitty” here.

Best Wrong Answers

Eroswings: “Piggy and Tazzy on vacation at IDV's (notice how Piggy has borrowed IDV's orange shirt)”

Ms. Nations: “Mahatma Ghandi and a very young Elizabeth Taylor”



#3: NIGELLA LAWSON

English food writer and host of TV cookery shows, Nigella Lawson has been dubbed the “Queen of Food Porn.”

Best Wrong Answers

Ginro: "MJ off to work."

Muscato: "Some slag."

Best Correct Answer

Ms. Nations: “The eminently lickable Nigella Lawson and her naughty nipple.”



#4: BORIS JOHNSON

Mayor of London, England, perpetually having a bad hair day.




#5: COLIN McALLISTER & JUSTIN RYAN

Scottish interior design duo bent on bringing good taste to a style-challenged public.

Shocked to discover that Canadians are some of the world’s worst décor offenders, Colin and Justin hosted the TV show Home Heist to deal with it.

Best Wrong Answers

Muscato: “A pair of Scots poofters. Are they boyband survivors?”

Ms. Nations: “Garfer and a 'special friend'.”

Mean Dirty Pirate: “Maybe David Beckham.”



#6: LENNY HENRY AND DAWN FRENCH

English actor/comedian Lenny Henry and Welsh-born actress/comedienne Dawn French met on the comedy circuit and married in 1984.

Lenny is best known for his leading role as Gareth Blackstock in the TV series Chef.

Dawn is known for her leading role as Geraldine Granger in the Vicar of Dibley and also for co-starring in the comedy sketch show French and Saunders.

Best Wrong Answers

Eroswings: “Piggy and Tazzy all dressed up for afternoon tea OR Beast (he likes the purple) and Frobisher (he likes the wigs) on their way to Cafe C.”

Ms. Nations: “Edgar Bergen (right) and Charlie McCarthy.”



#7: WILLIAM ROACHE

English actor William Roache has been playing the part of Ken Barlow on the soap opera Coronation Street since it first aired in1960.

Best Wrong Answers

Muscato: “Some toff.”

Ms. Nations: “Dental Health poster boy Kenneth Chumstick SpamVacuole.”



#8: ANT & DEC

Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly (Ant and Dec) are an English television presenting duo.

Best Wrong Answers

Muscato: “More poofters. I bet they have a tv series that involves antiques.”

Ms. Nations: “A guy with a moderate case of hydrocephaly and Michael J. Fox.”



#9: TRINNY & SUSANNAH

Susannah Constantine (left) and Trinny Woodall (right) are a pair of English fashion gurus, best known for advising people “What Not To Wear.”

They are particularly fond of bottoms.

Best Wrong Answer

Ms. Nations: “60's folkie Melanie and Pope John Paul X (deceased).”



#10: RUSSELL BRAND

English comedian/actor/sex addict Russell Brand won the coveted Shagger of the Year Award.
Translation note: Shag is a British colloquialism for (ahem) sexual intercourse.

Best Answer from a Confused Southern Boy

Heff: "Everyone of them is Gordan Ramsay, except for the last of course, which is Russell Brand."

Best Wrong Answer

Ms. Nations: “A man with a live conger eel down his pants.”



So there you have it. How did you do?

We were shocked by the number of you who tried to pass yourselves off as American when clearly you’re British. And those who tried any number of tricks in order to illicitly enter the competition.

Englishman Ginro for example, wrote, “I'm not American but my brother is American by marriage so I will be his stand in.”

And now… drum roll please…

THE WINNER OF THE “GUESS THE BRITS” COMPETITION IS:

LEAH in Brooklyn, NY!

CONGRATULATIONS, LEAH! You scored 7/10 correct answers. The only photos that stumped you were numbers 5, 7 and 9.


Thanks to all you Americans who participated in the Guess the Brits Competition.

See you back here on Tuesday for another exciting contest!