Fights and Bickers

My brothers John and Isaac in a phony fight 1954

Recently I read a blog posting from one of my favorite bloggers (Spo of "Spo Reflections") in which he said he didn't know how to fight because he never saw his parents fight.  He said he believed as a consequence of never having seen his parents fight he didn't know how to handle himself in a marital row.  He asked the readers of his blog posting:  "....if you are comfortable, please tell me how often fights arise in your relationship.  How bad do they get and how are they resolved?"  


First, I also never saw my parents fight.  My parents were married for sixty years when my father died in 2000.  Never once did I witness or hear a raised voice in an argument or a fight.  That doesn't mean they didn't have their disagreements.  Oh yes, they did.  


Perhaps the biggest "disagreement" was when my father was catting around when my Mother was trying to raise three young boys all under the age of five years old.  Maybe there was some loud words exchanged then but I don't remember any of it.  A few years before my Mother died (she died September 16th of this year, I miss her terribly), she came out with all the details of my father's philandering with other women while my she was trying to fed and care for her three boys (me and my two younger brothers).  She told me she confronted my father about his behavior and he stopped.  I don't know what she did but he never strayed again.


What I do remember is when my Mother got mad or angry with my father she would give him "The Look."  He knew he was in trouble.  Usually because he wanted to buy a new car (when he didn't need one) or go off fishing with his buddies and leave her with all the garden and housework. After a few days of the Silent Treatment, Pop came around.  Never, I repeat NEVER did I hear a raised voice between either one of them.  By the way, I never saw him get angry with her.  But of course I understood because I was one of those lucky children.  My brothers and I had a Mom who was the Best Mom in the World.  She was totally devoted to her family.  I honestly cannot say I remember one thing that she did wrong.  Nothing.  Sure, she got a little persnickety in her old age when dementia crept in.  That was nothing, we forgave her.


So is this reluctance or inability to have a marital row inherited?  No way.  At least not with me.  Bill and I have been living together (in sin) for the past 46 years.  We had our first big marital row about a year into the relationship.  And we have had them with regularity every year since to the present day.  In fact our last Big Fight (over what I can't remember which is usually the case) was only a couple of weeks ago.  Anyone who knows us for any length of time knows that Bill and Ron Go At It on a regular basis.  Do I enjoy these fights?  No, I don't.  Bill hates them.  But we are of two distinct different personalities so I guess it is inevitable that we don't agree on every issue.  Does that mean that I love Bill any the less?  No.  We're still together and will remain so until one of us dies.


How about my brothers?  Well, my next younger brother Isaac has had his moments.  In fact we have been in tremendous rows ourselves.  He is also divorced so I assumed there was some voicing of disagreement with him and his former wife.  But my youngest brother John?  No, we don't fight.  I remember one time when I got into a fight with both of my brothers at a school bus stop.  We were all wrestling on the ground and gravel when the school bus pulled up, opened its double doors, observed the 12, 13, and 14 year old boys grappling with each other on the ground, closed its doors and took off without us.  We Faced the Music when we had to go home and explained why we missed the bus and had to be driven to school.  That was the last fight I can remember with my brother John.  All of us are good friends now.  By the way, I don't believe John has ever fought with his wife in all the 47 years they have been married.  So I don't think the Fighting Gene is passed down through generations.


I've always been a fighter.  It is in my nature.  Bill, is also a fighter.  I likened our relationship to two butch men (that's us!) dancing together.  Each one of us want to lead.  That, inevitably, leads to fights.  


So how do our fights end?  We both do a lot of shouting (nothing every physical by the way - NEVER), then Bill retreats into silence.  He gives me the Silent Treatment.  Sometimes the Silent Treatment lasts three or four days.  It has been known to last as long as two weeks.  But it is always me who makes the First Move.  Twice in our relationship Bill has made the First Move.  Both times I was going to end the relationship.  He saw that I mean business and he knew that I wasn't going to make the First Move.


After 46 years, we know how these battles will turn out yet we keep slipping into them.  In a way I think they have made our relationship stronger.  However, my advice is not to try our way of handling disagreements at your home.  This is what has worked for us.  I guess you could say our blowouts are a cathartic experience for both of us.  We get to vent and then resume our usual positions.  I can't imagine keeping my feelings bottled up in my.  I would explode.  


So I guess my answer is whatever works for you in your relationship.  I know in mine, I usually apologize, even though I'm not at fault I (which is rare).  Bill is one of those people who has a genetic inability to admit a mistake or wrong.  I can admit a wrong.  I think it takes at least one person in a relationship who is willing to give in and compromise once their feelings are vented.  


Relationships are complex. There are no exceptions.  And believe me, Nancy and Ronald Reagan had their differences too.  

Domestic Discord

One would think that after 45 years of living together, two individuals could work things out and not have so many disagreements. If one would think that as it applies to me and my relationship with my Life Partner Bill, one would be wrong. Again, Bill isn't speaking to me.



This is a pattern he has repeated with regularity in all our 45 years of living together. I used to think I was at fault. Then about ten years ago I saw him do the same thing to his friend Damon. Bill met Damon at the cancer clinic where he was taking my Mother for her radiation treatments. Damon works at the clinic as a radiologist. They struck up a friendship right away. Damon is a very handsome man with crystal blue eyes. Bill always was a sucker for blue eyes (I have blue eyes.) Bill met Damon's large family (ten now and growing) and fell in love with them. Now if Bill could get mad at Damon for the flimsiests of reason, then it's on Bill. Damon is one of the most unselfish, good hearted people I've ever met. That was when I realized that Bill had these periods of getting mad a people that he liked very much just to test them and see if they really liked him. Bill was doing the same thing to his new friend Damon that he had been doing to me for many years. Some have asked why I put up with this. That would be a whole another subject for a future blog posting. I don't want to go into those areas on this post.


Well, one day Bill comes home early from a Saturday with Damon's family. I asked him what was wrong. He said he wasn't speaking to Damon. I asked him why? I forget the reason, but it was something of small import. Which is interesting because of all the big fights or disagreements Bill and I have had over the years it is always of things I can't remember. But, that was the day I realized "Maybe it's not me and it's Bill. Maybe Bill is the problem."



This afternoon we're driving back from Milton. I made a quick run to the local super market. I always ask Bill if he wants to go along for the ride. He usually does. Unfortunately, Bill has a bad, bad habit of back seat driving. In this case he's sitting in the passenger seat.



Once, at a Milton intersection he almost caused me to have an accident. I was waiting to go straight through the intersection behind a car that was waiting to make a left hand turn. Bill told me to pass the car on the right. Just to keep him from yelling at me, I proceed to pass the car in front of me on the right, crossing the solid white line as I did. As I was passing the car I almost hit an oncoming car making a left hand turn through the intersection going the opposite direction! Phew! That was a close call. I should never have passed on the right let alone across a solid white line. I said that out loud to no one in particular, that's just how relieved I was not to have a head on crash through that intersection. That was cause for Bill not to speak for me for over a week. He vowed never to ride with me again.



He eventually got over that mad on and began going with me on my errands. Most times he keeps his urges to himself of telling me how to drive. I've told him I don't know how many times, there is only one person at a time that can drive a car. But Bill has such an urge to control everything I do, he can't help himself. God forbid if I should offer advice to him on how to drive. Hell, I can't even tell him when he's pulling in front of a car that is about to hit us. I have to keep my mouth shut which I usually do except when I see we're about to be hit by another vehicle.



Bill is the classic Road Rage driver. That's why I would rather drive. There have been too many times in the past when I have been embarrassed by his uncontrollable temper. It's a wonder he hasn't been arrested.



This is the incident today that caused his rage. To get to where we live off of Rt. 1.  I have to make a left hand turn on Rt. 1. I have to wait for a break in the north bound traffic on Rt. 1. Sometimes there are northbound vehicles (I'm southbound when I'm making my left hand turn) waiting in the center island to make a right hand turn. Today was such a day. Two large Sposato landscaping vehicles were waiting to make a turn. Bill tells me to also pull in the island. Normally I would wait until these to vehicles made their turns then I would get into the island so I would have a clear view. But today I listened to Bill (again to avoid him yelling at me) and placed my car in the island. Once there I could not see the traffic going northbound on Rt. 1. Bill tells me "Go!" I hesitated because I couldn't see the traffic. He yells "Go!" again. I tell him "I can't see." He says "When I say Go! Go!" I didn't. I tell him "What's the hurry? We'll still get home." What? A minute later? So what? As usual with Bill there is no discussion (he would lose the argument anyway.) He yells "Hush!" "Hush!"



When we get home he goes into his bedroom and locks the door. I put the groceries away and go down and knock on the door. He says "Leave me alone!" So here we are again. I'll get the silent treatment for about a week on this episode.



I've seen this movie before. In fact, I've seen this movie many times. It's not one of my favorite movies.



In the past, when I used to think it was my fault, I would go out and buy some things. Yes, I was a classic spendaholic. I can't do these days. I'm poor. Plus, since I know it's not my fault, I don't have the guilt feelings I have to assuage. Now what I do is housework. Thus tonight was a perfect time for catch up on my cooking. Bill wouldn't be in the kitchen complaining about what I had on TV (the MSNBC lineup of Chris Matthews, Ed Schultz, Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow) so I could cook up a bath of food for the following week. That I did. Here is what I cooked (all homemade):



Meat loaf

Orange cake

Mashed potatoes

Chicken salad

I'm set for the week now. If he's still not speaking to me by Friday, I'll shampoo the rugs (he hates it when I shampoo the rugs, he doesn't think they need shampooing.) If he's not speaking to me by Saturday, then it will be a good time for me to finally attack my storage room in the basement and finally finish unpacking the remaining boxes of our move to Delaware in November of 2006.



Say, I wonder if this isn't all a ruse to get me to clean out those boxes? Nah.

Trouble In Paradise

The shore sounds of the seaside town of Lewes, Delaware greeted me as I rode to work early this morning at my front desk job at the Inn. As the sun was rising over the Lewes Canal, the early morning cacophony of birds and the gentle sounds of canal water splashing against the pier beckoned me to stop and take in the scene. I pulled my car off the road and onto the gravel path to the pier jutting out into the canal. There, looking out over the water, I saw the beginning of a new day in the first town of the first state, Lewes, Delaware. I could only stayed for a few minutes. I took a short video and a picture to include in this blog. Of course it was nothing like actually being there but I hope I am able to convey the simple and yet priceless pleasure of luxuriating in such a scene. My day was fine at work. It was when I got home that I encountered the first sour note of the day. My partner had taken upon himself to put in heavy curtains in our sun room. In our previous house he had curtains in every room, thus blocking out the enjoyment of observing nature outside. This house is different. It has an open floor plan with many windows. The whole wall of the western side of the house is covered in windows. That includes the sun room and the great room. I have compromised and accepted curtains in the great room. However, I do not want curtains covering up the windows in the sun room. To me that defeats the whole purpose of the sun room. We have blinds in place to cover the windows during the intense days of sunlight during the late afternoon. Bill (my significant other) asked me how I liked them. He could tell by the look on my face that I didn't like them. I told him they had to come down. The curtains were too heavy. They had the effect of blocking the view of the outside from the windows. He does not understand. He wants to replicate our house in Pennsylvania which had all the windows stuffed with curtains. I told him the curtains had to come down because they were depressing me. This is not what he wanted to hear. He got angry and said he would heretofore have nothing to do with curtains…..anywhere in the house. He said “I can’t do anything around here.” Not true. Most things go his way but when something does not go his way, this is his response. Now he is in a deep funk. We have been together 43 years. We know each other’s moods. We each know how this scene will be played out. It's "Whose Afraid Of Virginia Wolff" all over again. It’s all about laying a guilt trip on me. Eventually, he will see that this time the guilt trip won’t work. The freedom to enjoy the light and see outside unobstructed is one of the main reasons I moved to the Delaware seashore. I moved from a two story Dutch Gambrel roofed colonial house in the middle of 6.875 acres of woodland in Pennsylvania to a simple everything on one floor house on an open flat lot in Delaware. The house in Pennsylvania had many rooms, with many doors, and many windows with many curtains on those windows blocking the light and views. I felt like I was sealed in a tomb with all those doors and curtains. I sacrificed a lot to move to Delaware to an acre of land with only one tree, an non-fruit bearing pear tree on the front lawn. I moved down to Delaware for the Big Sky and sun drenched days. I’m not going to seal myself up again in my house with little rabbit warren rooms and windows covered in curtains. Bill will get over his anger and disappointment. When he does, then we can discuss what, if anything, we can do with our sun room. And tomorrow the sun will come up. The light will shine through those windows again.