Earlier, this morning I posted about a text that I sent to my sister-in-law. I decided to take it down. She's very private and I don't want to upset her.
I discovered this photo of me and Bill that was taken four years ago. I don't remember if I took it or someone else but it perfectly encapsulates our relationship. I love it! I will have it enlarged and placed among my other photos of me and Bill that I have placed around my open area in my kitchen and sunroom and living room that give me so much comfort when I see them.
I was blessed for almost sixty years loving and living with this exceptional man. I look forward to the day when our spirits reunite for eternity. That is one thing I am certain of.
I almost forget today was his birthday, then earlier this morning it just came to me. I think that was Bill reminding me. As I have said, Bill communicates with me almost daily by telepathy.
I always made honored Bill on his birthday by giving him a specialized birthday card. We stopped exchanging gifts years ago but we always exchanged cards. Bill loved receiving and reading the birthday cards that I sent to him which I always signed "Love, Pots."
Rarely a day goes by that I don't grieve for the loss of Bill in my life. But as each day goes by, I realize that he is in a much better place now. I also know that his spirit is awaiting my spirit and we will soon be reunited for eternity.
Happy birthday Bill! Love you! Pots.
Bill Kelly, January 13, 2021 (one week before his stroke on January 21, 2021)
At end of Bill's life he could not see me because of his macular degeneration. He only had peripheral vision. All he saw was my shadow. I could no longer look him in his eyes. I missed that. But Bill knew I was with him, taking care of him. One of the toughest things for me to deal with when Bill died was that I could no longer take care of him. It took me several months to realize that he's being taking care of now by forces much stronger than me and that he is happy. Reunited with his dogs and his family and friends. I know he awaits me. And he will see me again and our love will be eternal. This earth is just a way station.
On November 18, 1978, at the Jonestown settlement in Guyana, 909 people died in a mass murder-suicide orchestrated by cult leader Jim Jones. The majority of the victims, including more than 200 children, died from drinking a cyanine-laced fruit drink.
The other thing that always puzzled me was how many Germans were fooled by Hitler. I always figured it was a combination of stupidity (ignorance), racism and hatred of anybody different from them. Perhaps the biggest factor were those people in positions of power and influence who knew better who, through their own avarice (greed) and cowardice permitted Hitler to come to power and destroy Germany.
Now I understand.
As I type this blog entry I realize that almost all of the Republican members of Congress failed in the oath to the Constitution of the United States when they took office. They lied. Their first priority is staying in power. They are also cowards because they know what Trump and his thugs are doing to the United States is against the law and yet they do nothing.
Perhaps the biggest disappointment is the so called "Supreme Court" of the United States. Three Trump appointed judges (who should recuse themselves when any case appears before them that Trump brings) are corrupt and dishonest. They lied at their Senate hearings and now bend over backwards to give Trump any slim excuse to continue on his law breaking actions. They know better yet they do noting but enable Trump and his thugs.
Thomas Homan, the thug director of ICE has been reported to accepting a bag of $50,000 cash to use his influence in the Trump administration to get people jobs. The corrupt FBI killed that investigation. This is just one example of the blatant corruption of the FBI now.
For those of you who are reading this blog who reside in countries outside the U.S., I know it looks bad. But I'm telling you, you don't know how bad it is to actually live here in the United States and see our constitutional protections chipped away at every day by this criminal presidency and enabled by a coward Republican Congress. It looks and is bad now and will probably get worse but I a convinced that this too shall pass. I don't know how exactly but I have hope. I think the United States democracy is being tested now. A stress test.
Interesting times folks. I never imagined the greatest threat to democracy in the United States would come form within but here we are.
Last night I stayed up late to watch the Jimmy Kimmel Show live. I'm so glad I did.
My belief in the fundamental right of all Americans to free speech was reinforced by watching his show.
When I first realized that Trump and his thugs were now attempting to muzzle Jimmy because The Big Baby got his feelings hurt, I thought "Here we go, Disney is caving just like the law firms, ABC, colleges, Republicans in Congress, et al". I was sick to my stomach. One thing I always took for granted as an American was our right to free speech, no matter who didn't like what we speak. Of course there are limits as the right of an employer to fire their employees for inappropriate speech. Also limits like not hollering "FIRE!" in a crowded movie theater. But the fundamental right of free speech, just like I'm saying that Trump is an wannabe dictator and the greatest threat to our democracy since the Civil War.
The Jimmy Kimmel Show returns tonight. It seems that Disney (Bob Igar, president) is losing so much money by cancelled subscriptions to their cable channels (Hulu) that he decided to bring the Jimmy Kimmel show back. The public has spoken where it hurts these companies.......MONEY.
Now, the question is does free speech return? I suspect at least with Jimmy Kimmel free speech will return at least in his show.
Brendan Carr, the FCC commissioner who made the mob threat "We can do it the easy way or we can do it the hard way" in which Bob Igar (Disney president) and Disney obeyed in advance, is now trying to gaslight us by saying he didn't say what he clearly said last week when he made the threat to take away ABC's license unless they cancelled the Jimmy Kimmel's show because Jimmy hurt Dear Leader's feelings with his monologue that showed Dear Leader's lack of remorse for the death of Charlie Kirk when asked how he was holding up, Dear Leader quickly pivoted the question from the reporter to showing off the constructions of his new four hundred million dollar ballroom at the White House. Long sentence there folks, but you get the idea we're in Never Never Land these days.
I just heard that California governor Gavin Newsom as his guest tonight for his return show. Should be interesting folks. I will tape it and watch it later.
We live in interesting times folks. Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think there would be so many cowards in this country who would so easily obey in advance to a would be dictator. Not only the cowards but so many stupid people who support The Convicted Felon.
As a final thought, take John Oliver's recommendation on how to deal with bullies like Trump and FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr.
Alright folks, I'm going to engage in a little free speech here in my blog.
I was encouraged this morning when I turned on "The View" and the women on the panel addressed the Jimmy Kimmel suspension. I was concerned that since "The View" is an ABC (Disney) owned show, that they too would be muzzled. Thank God they weren't. Whoopie explained that the day after Jimmy Kimmel's suspension by Disney, they didn't respond immediately until they had time to digest (my words) what happened. Then their Friday show was a repeat. Today they addressed the elephant in the room. Free speech is alive and well on their show and they assured their audience that they will not shy away from this issue. Thank God! I was so relieved. I believe once you have lost a platform like "The View", that they would give in to the bullying and intimidation that this gangster president and his enablers are perpetuating on us, the we would be pretty far down the road to just another banana republic ruled by thugs and criminals.
Now to address the troll who left this vile comment on my blog about "Free Speech" last week.
First, I believe in free speech and I believe in her right to express her opinion, vile as it is. Yes, it is a woman. I've been blogging for twenty years now and I've had my share of trolls. I discovered years ago this one persistent troll was a woman. This I believe is also a woman. Her name is "Melissa". She found my blog through my comments left on Spo's blog. She used to leave occasional comments on my blog but her comments turned ugly when I posted an anti Trump and MAGA post, which I will remind her is my right to do as a citizen of this country. A right guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution. Since then she has left her hateful comments, which she has a right to do (free speech) but I also have the right to delete her comments. This one I'm not deleting because I want the world to see what people like me, who love the United States and believe in the Constitution, have to live with.
I copied an image of her comment (she left it under "Anonymous", coward that she is) but it may be too small for you to see. I'll retype it. See below:
"You do know ABC could have moved him to Hulu. You hate this country so much go live in Canada. But your cheating ass won't do that....I have forwarded. your blog to the Immigration Dept :) Why should we allow you to bring Pat if you hate this country?"
Okay, let's dissect her comment. She states "You hate this country so much....". No sweetheart, I love this country. That's why I am concerned that the Convicted Felon who occupies the White House and thug enablers are trying to take away our constitutionally protected right of free speech.
Check our the second statement she makes "Your cheating ass..." Where does that come from? Oh, she's making a statement about my personal life which is none of her business. Who in the hell is she to pass judgment on my personal life? It's none of her goddamn business what living arrangement Bill and I had worked out. NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS.
Then check out the threat she makes about "turning in" my blog to the Immigration Department. She's going to "turn me in." What's this? Nazi Germany?
When Bill and I lived in Pennsylvania, new neighbors moved to the property adjoining ours after we had lived there for about eight years. When the wife and her mother found out that Bill and I were "gaywads" (their term), they "turned us in" to the local police department. Yes, they literally bragged to their friends that they "turned in those fags." You know what happened? The police chief, who ironically was named Ray Copp, laughed them out of his office. He asked them "What did they do?" She said "They're gay." He then asked her again "But what did they do?" She repeated "They're gay". When he threw her out of his office she tried the Crying Routine. The false tears didn't work this time which obviously had worked before. Then a few days later she had her kids and two other neighborhood boys stand on the border between our properties and yell "Fags get out of here!" I heard noise up on the border and opened the window to hear clearer but Bill said "Don't. Just ignore them." Bill came from that Old School of hiding. Not me. I came out at twenty-one years old and I wasn't going to go back in the closet for anybody, especially a homophobe bitch like that woman and her mother. When I opened the window and heard what they were yelling I called the police immediately. A few minutes later I watch as the township police car rolled up their driveway. The dad realized what was happening and scooped up his two kids and the two neighborhood boys took off running through the woods to their home. The officer knocked on their door and talked to her (I assume because the dad took off in his car with the two kids). I don't know what he said to her but a few days later I received a hand written note from her kids and the two boys (they were all in the ten to twelve year old range) apologizing for their hate speech. Apparently the woman learned that it against the law in Pennsylvania to harass your gay neighbors. From that time on Bill and I never had a problem with her in the next eight years we lived next to each other.
I've always stood up to bullies. From my school days to my Army days to my adult days and even today, when I'm old and feeble, I will not be intimidated by anybody for just being and exercising my right of free speech on my blog.
Of course there are limits to free speech. You cannot yell "FIRE!" in a crowded building but one can express their political opinion. This woman has a right to express her opinion about me and Bill but she doesn't have a right to have her kids stand on the border between our properties and have them yell homophobic slurs at me and Bill, disturbing our right to have a peaceful home. Ironically Bill and I moved out of Philadelphia after hearing about another gay couple's house being harassed on a regular basis by homophobes in the nearby Irish American neighborhood. We thought if we moved in the middle of the country we would have peace from that hate. Oh how wrong we were.
Where I live now, in coastal Delaware, I haven't encountered that much homophobia. Oh yes, I have encountered some. A few years ago Pat and I were walking down a street in Rehoboth Beach and a carload of young guys road by and shouted "Fuck you fags!" It wasn't like Pat and I were holding hands (we weren't of course, Pat would never do that). We were just two men walking down a street talking. Ask me how many times in my life I've experienced young guys riding by in a car shouting "Hey fag!" Many, many times. Once they even tried to run me off the road in Provincetown as I was walking on a country road to the motel where my friend Bob and I were staying. When I lived in center city Philadelphia and left the gay bar late at night to walk home; the usual ritual was a group of South Philly kids would show off for each other by riding by and shouting "Fuck the fags!" I imagine they're still doing that. So I'm used to the hate and vitriol. You wouldn't think I would have encountered that in such so called friendly places like Center City Philly, Provincetown and Rehoboth Beach but folks, I'm talking from experience. Homophobia is alive and very much continues to be with us.
I'll tell you what's really funny. Pat likes Trump. Yep, he likes Trump. But we don't talk about it. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels. I am a firm believer in his right to have his own opinion. And he feels the same way about me. Just as my very good neighbor Bob M. feels. Bob M. is a widower like and and very Trump (has a hat, bumper sticker and sign in his garage.) But Bob respects me as I do him. And he respects my right to have my own opinions and to express them as I do his. We just don't discuss politics. Now my brother Isaac is another matter. We haven't spoken for several years now. He's deep into the Cult. The last time we spoke was when he was screaming at me that George Floyd killed himself and not the police officer who knelt on his neck for almost nine minutes, choking George Floyd to death. Isaac is lost to The Cult. I can't help him. He will go to his grave with his delusional lies.
To sum up, I realized that the advice is "Don't engage with the trolls." I don't directly engage with them. And as I mentioned before I've had my share of trolls on my blog the past twenty years. But I feel better now having exposed this particular one, who is so hateful that she felt she had to make her pathetic attempt to hurt me and Pat. Why? Because she doesn't believe in the First Amendment just like the Mob Boss who presently is inhabiting the office of the President of the United States.
Jon Stewart has a succinct message for CBS and ABC who are all too willing to obey in advance to Trump and his enablers who are in the process of taking away our First Amendment rights.
Look at what I discovered on You Tube. By the way, since the MSM is now being compromised I'm watching my You Tube channel much more. This is where I'm getting my unfiltered news and opinions.
I'll be posting more of The Real Texas Paul in the future on this blog. He says so well my feelings exactly on the current political climate many of us are suffering through. And he does it with humor. Humor that Trump and his enablers are trying to snuff out by attacking our First Amendment rights of free speech.
The Jimmy Kimmel Show was put on indefinite suspension last night because of a comment he made about the MAGA Republicans looking for someone other than themselves to blame for Charlie Kirk's death. After Jimmy made that brief remark he followed it with a reporter asking Trump how he was holding up following Charlie Kirk's death. Trump briefly said he was holding up well then quickly diverted the reporter's attention to the constructions of his new ballroom at the White House. Trump didn't like the satire showing that (perhaps) he doesn't have much empathy for others but is more concerned with his latest vanity project. That angered Trump so he got his appointed head of the FCC to put pressure on ABC and Disney to fire Jimmy Kimmel. Disney and ABC obeyed in advance, doing what so many others in the MSM (CBS, Washington Post, ABC, law firms, colleges, etc) are doing; putting their bottom line before Constitutionally protected free speech in the United States.
We are at a tipping point friends. I never thought I would see so much cowardice of those in power in my lifetime as a United States citizen. Free speech is something that I always took for granted and what made the United States an exceptional country on the world stage. Turns out that was a fake too, just like all reality shows.
This is a video that I had secretly set up of me visiting one weekend with my friends Bob McCamley and Ed Cage. Both Bob and Ed have passed on many years ago. Even Bob's black Lab Bonnie, who you can see in this video, has passed. Only I have survived. In not too many years I will be joining them in Heaven. Heaven, where Bob and Ed (just friends, not lovers) are living now.
Bob was my best friend since my Army days (March of 1960). I've know Ed since my high school days 1957. I miss their friendship. Oh how often during the ten or more years since they have died I wish I could have shared some of my experiences with them. They left this earthly live but I have continued to live and learn.
These days I have two new best friends. Glenn and Pat. Both met via this blog.
One day all of us will be together.
I wrote this blog today because I wanted to refresh my day with pleasant memories from my past. I wanted to take a break from the present political climate in our country.
Yesterday I did something I've been putting off for years. I cleaned out my freezer chest.
What a job that was!
Of course it took a lot longer (several hours) than I had anticipated.
What pushed me to clean out my freezer chest was the ice buildup was too much. I had to get rid of that ice buildup or eventually I wouldn't be able to close the lid.
I'm ashamed to admit it but I found frozen food Erin 2018! I tossed it all out on my compost pile at the edge of my property. Beef stew, raw chicken breasts, chili, frozen veggies, banana bread. You get the idea.
Last week I cleaned out my refrigerator during that drama. Now I have a cleaned out freezer chest. I feel like a tremendous load has been taken off of me. And of course I have vowed never to let that happen again and I'm serious about that.
I don't freeze meals anymore. Whatever I make, I try to eat it within the week I make it. The main things I freeze now are meats that I get on sale. Have you been to your local supermarket lately? Of course you have. Unbelievable the prices. Sure, there's inflation but you can't tell me that the food producers aren't taking advantage of this situation now and raising prices even more than their costs. I haven't eaten steak in over forty years but I was shocked when I saw two New York strip steaks for sale last $19.98! Last night I had a breaded chicken cutlet that I brought on sale for $5.82. It was marked down from $9.51 because it was near its expiration date. There were four of those breaded chicken breasts. Yes, I'll get four meals for $5.82. I wonder how families with modest incomes manage.
One thing about my major clean out yesterday, that is one less chore the administrators of my estate will have to do. Next up, cleaning out my garage. Bill had so many poisonous sprays out there. I don't believe in spraying poison in my yard or air. The only exception is hornet nest spray. When Pat comes down hopefully next month, we'll tackle that challenge.
Bill and I used to enjoy our trips to B.J.'s Wholesale in Millsboro.
I remember the last time I took the trip with him, I knew it would be our last trip.
Bill enjoyed those trips because he got to spend more one on one time with me. It's a long trip to Millsboro. Takes about forty-five minutes each way. It's also a pleasant trip through the Sussex Country countryside.
When I go to B.J.'s I always stop in the nearby Petsmart store. I like to see what cats are up for adoption. Oh how I would like to adopt one (or two) but it is not to be. I'm too old to adopt a pet. For one reason I can hardly take care of myself let alone a pet. And I need my sleep and I would get much sleep with a cat. I already tried that and it didn't work. I had a cat for one and a half weeks, and although we bonded, I had to give her up mainly because I was afraid Bill or I would trip over her and I couldn't afford to let that happen. At the beginning of this blog is my latest visit. If I won the Power Ball I would open a cat sanctuary. I love cats. Even if I got a cat, I live alone and I fully expect another visit to the hospital is in my future. So I just make do with visits to Petsmart.
I knew the traffic would be heavy today but it was heavier than I had expected. I do not like to travel in heavy traffic but southern Delaware has grown so much in the past ten years, this is becoming the norm.
This is what I got at B.J.'s today. Super expensive Panera soup ($15.96) but good. I did get $2.00 off. Just a year or so ago I was able to buy Panera soup for $8.00. They have doubled in price.
Tide powder soap. That's gotten more expensive now too, $32 for the box. Remember, B.J.'s is wholesale. Wow.
Also some strawberries. I was going to get peaches but they are off the chart expensive and it's always a roll of the dice to actually have them ripen. Usually they're mealy and not juicy at all. They look like peaches but they're Frankenstein Fruit. Just like those tomatoes you buy in the winter. They look like tomatoes but they have zero taste.
I found those Portuguese rolls! I love Portuguese rolls and they are reasonable. Only $4 .99 for ten rolls! Much cheaper than rolls that I buy at Food Lion or Weiss Markets and they have that unique Portuguese taste that I love. I never did like Wonder bread, even as a kid. Tasted like nothing. You're chewing air. But I love Portuguese rolls which I discovered in the Seventies during my many trips to Provincetown, Mass. which has a large Portuguese immigrant population.
Another plus I found that pumpkin roll. I like to have a treat before I go to bed and I find this annual fall treat pumpkin roll hits the spot perfectly. At this time of my life I don't even like the cakes I make myself. I've lost the taste for many things I used to love. I also like that bag of mildly (some say "plain") seasoned frozen chicken. I'm not into cooking much these days but I do like to eat good food but not overly spiced and especially the one with all that garlic powder. I like garlic but garlic powder makes me sick.
And last but not least, I got a tub of hummus. That's always a bargain at B.J.'s. The regular stores charge $5 for a small container of hummus. I can get this party size container for $5. I eat hummus every day. I love hummus. My digestive system loves hummus too.
Just that little shopping cart cost me $98. And this at a wholesale store!
Figure it out folks, I'm living on a fixed income now. The prices keep going up. I'm starting to feel the squeeze. And here I thought the Orange Menace was going to bring the prices down. Of course I am being facetious (flippant).
Other than the bumper to bumper traffic, today's trip was well worth it. But I do miss Bill riding shotgun. We used to have many such trips together. However, I still sense that he was with me today. In spirit.
The only time I ever carried a gun. 1960 During my three year enlistment in the U.S. Army. This picture is from Fort Devens, Mass. where I attended a six month school for Army Security Agency training. This is a "Battalion Parade" for our battalion commander and his wife. During one of the parades I threw up and dropped out of the parade. I thought for sure I would be court-martialed but no one bothered me. I was sick as a dog. I'll always remember the battalion commander's wife and her soft and filmy flowery dress moving gently in the wind that summer Friday afternoon (yes, I even remember the day of the week).
Me (right) September 1962 at the rifle range at Fort George G. Meade, Maryland for our annual qualification. This was the last time in my life that I held a rifle in my hands. Yes, I did qualify. To my right is Jim Harris of Binghamton New York. He was one of my good friends while I was stationed at Ft. Meade. I lost touch with him after I left the Army in January of 1963. I've often wondered if he is still alive. Every body else I knew from that period of my life has passed away. Seems like I'm the only survivor. I was at Ft. Meade for two and a half years. Bill told me he went through Ft. Meade in 1962. Interesting we came so close and didn't meet until two years later at a gay bar in Philadelphia. Life is interesting.
Yesterday Charlie Kirk, the well known and very popular right wing (Conservative) influencer of young people who, perhaps was responsible for electing the worst president in U.S. history was shot dead yesterday. He was at a college event in Utah.
Charlie Kirk was a hateful, homophobic, racist (and all the other bad adjectives) man of thirty-one years old. He was married and had two young daughters.
Even though I disagree with almost everything he endorsed, including stoning to death homosexuals ("because it says so in the Bible" says "Christian" Charlie Kirk), killing him is not the answer. I condemn this murderous act one hundred percent.
Also, even though I disagree with almost everything he espoused, I believe he had the right to say those awful things. That's because I live in a county that is supposed to extoll free speech even though you wouldn't know it these days with Trump and his thugs in power, unchecked by the cowardly Republicans in Congress and the conservative majority on the Supreme Court.
This violence has to stop but I doubt that it will.
Bill wrote this birthday card to me for my 80th birthday in November of 2022.
When Bill wrote this birthday card he was legally blind. He had macular degeneration, the dry kind. He could not see out of the center of his eye. He could only see peripheral vision. Thus, Bill wrote this birthday card when he was blind.
In our fifty-nine years together we had long since discontinued giving each other presents on our birthdays and Christmas. We had everything we needed, material things. And we also had that most precious commodity of all, love.
In place of gifts, Bill always prized the cards I gave him. He looked forward to them. I have saved them all. He also shopped for cards to me. I will always treasure them because of the notes he wrote on those cards. Bill only wanted one thing in life, to be with me. He wanted nothing else, just to be with me and love me.
As I've written about many times before in this blog that I've been writing for over twenty years now, Bill and I began our relationship as roommates. A living arrangement of convenience. He traveled a lot, sometimes three months at a time he would be gone from his apartment. I wanted a job in Philadelphia but I didn't make enough money to support myself. He urged me to live with him. He told me he loved me but I couldn't assure him that I would love him equally back. I was twenty-two at that time and just out on the gay scene the previous year. He understood that and often said "A caged bird doesn't sing." He just advised me to be discreet in my "adventures." And I was. Ours was a mutually beneficial arrangement for both of us. I took care of running the household and Bill took care of the handyman (he was an electrician) functions.
Of course what eventually happened was over the years I actually fell in love with him. That was the time I was going to leave him for another man and he asked me "Please don't leave me." I remember the time and place. We were outside during a warm summer day and he was cutting back some daylillies. I went out to tell him that I was making arrangement to sell the house and get an apartment to move in with "Harold". By the way, in retrospect that would have been a gross mistake. A disaster. Bill literally save my life. That's another whole story that I don't want to go into. But when I told that to Bill, he looked up from what he was doing, looked me in the eye, and said "Please don't leave me." Even as I say this my heart aches. It was then the thought struck me "What was I thinking? I can't leave Bill." It was then I realized I loved Bill more than life. I just could not imagine my life without Bill in it. Sure, we had arguments, sometimes pretty loud but never anything physical.
When I first moved in with Bill, he supported me. Now I was supporting him. Both financially and emotionally. Financially was the practical side but emotionally, that was even more important. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night wondering how Bill was managing. And more than that, I loved this man. A life without Bill? Impossible!
Even today and like many days since Bill died a year and a half ago, rarely a day goes by that I don't feel waves of sadness and loneliness because of how much I miss Bill in my life. Foolishly I wonder "Whose taking care of Bill now? Are they taking proper care of him?" Of course They are because he is in Heaven. Bill is in Heaven with our dogs, his friends and family waiting for me. He is well taken care of until our spirits reunite in the Afterlife.
On my birthday this year, I am planning on marrying Pat. I love Pat. I love Pat a lot. However, it isn't the same kind of love that I loved Bill. But that doesn't mean I love Pat any the less. It's just a different kind of love. Pat doesn't have to be with me all the time. Although we talk several times every day on FaceTime and get together at least once a year, we aren't dependent on each other the way Bill and I were.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am so fortunate to have had Bill in my life. To have his love for almost sixty years, incredible. Especially the last three years of his life when I was his full-time caregiver. What a privilege. A gift.
One day, in the not too distant future Bill and I will be together again and that will be wonderful.
Bill Kelly, River Drive (now called Kelly Drive after the brother of Princess Grace Kelly, John Kelly who often jogged here parallel to the Schuykill River in center city Philadelphia. He (John Kelly) died while on this drive during one of his daily jogs - so much for jogging). Bill is pictured with his Chevrolet Corvair. The year is about 1966, ab out a year after I moved in with Bill. The beginning of my life with Bill. The next fifty-nine years were a dream, which I sorely miss so much now)
The last week has been very stressful for me.
I think I had a panic attack this morning. All this sturm an drang is resulting from my recent problems with my refrigerator and HVAC system. Two different problems. Funny thing, about a month ago I was thinking things were going too smoothly in my life. I anticipated problems ahead and sure enough these past two weeks have proven that to be true.
The refrigerator situation is still not fixed. I cannot go into the details at this time because of privacy.
The HVAC situation I can go into with a very simple statement. My longtime HVAC company has been grossly overcharging me for years. Thousands of dollars. Of course I dismissed them after the latest attempt to overcharge me and I now have a new HVAC company. Of course I feel like a sucker that I let this company overcharge me for so long. This last time I just had enough. It just didn't make sense. Now I'm embarrassed. I feel like those old people who have been duped into losing their life savings to a pyramid scheme or an Internet romance. I feel so foolish I didn't see this coming.
Basically, the company I've been using since 2010 was an employee owned company. I had service agreements with them. Never a problem. I felt smart that I was taking a pro active approach to maintaining my system. I was paying about $260 a year for a service agreement. For years it worked. Occasionally a small part had to be replaced but mostly, they just checked my system and that was it. Then about three years ago things started to go downhill. Every time they came (twice a year, once for the heat and the other time for the air conditioning), there were always charges in the hundreds and thousands of dollars. Three years ago I had to replace my whole system for $11,000. This is my third system since I moved to this brand new house in 2005. For comparison I lived in our Pennsylvania house and never paid anything for repair of my heat pump. NADA. Nothing. Here, I'm on my third system. Then last week when the serviceman appeared, he said I needed to replace (at least) three items. One for $400 and the other $480. Another (motor) for $1,520 and the fan for $500. Nothing was itemized like it was in the past. With my service agreement I was supposed to receive a 15% discount. The first time I received one of these sticker shock bills I asked "Is my discount in there?" I was told "It's in there."
Last year I cancelled my plumbing service agreement after the service man said he could "get me a good price ($3,000) to replace three of my four toilets. This came up because they had replaced Bill's bathroom toilet (Bill fell on that toilet and broke it) with one of theirs which was better than my three other builder grade toilets. What? Why would I want to replace my other three toilets? I don't even use those bathrooms. That plumber also charged me $777 for replacing a pipe in my bathroom. I thought that was a little pricey but what do I know? I'm not a plumber.
So with this latest attempt of overcharging me for jobs that probably didn't need to be done I did some research. I found out that this company is no longer employee owned. I also found out that the repairmen work on commission. AH HA! So that's it! This reminded me of when I lived in Pennsylvania and we had to get our cars inspected TWICE a year at an authorized dealer. Of course every time we went to the dealer, there was always a charge. ALWAYS! In the hundreds of dollars and sometimes thousands. EVERY TIME.
In Delaware, they do car inspections differently. Once every TWO years and at a state owned facility. The twenty year I've lived here I only had to pay ONCE to have a left rear turn signal replaced (the light had burned out). Pennsylvania has since reverted back to annual car inspections but still at an "authorized facility", which proves that lobbying works. When I bought my 2010 Subaru at the dealership here in Delaware I initially was going to my dealer every time to get my oil changed and for inspections. You guessed it. Every time they always found something "wrong" that resulted in bills for hundreds of dollars. About six years ago I stopped going to the dealership to get my oil changed, I go to a local guy. I only get charged for the oil change. No "You need new brake pads" or other things that I had no way of checking did I really need it or not?
I probably shouldn't be this way folks, to get this upset over knowing that I've been taken advantage of by my service company for the last several years. I feel like a fool. I should have known better.
I'm an honest person. My integrity is one of my most important values. I don't cheat people. I don't plan how I'm going to cheat. Perhaps that why I hate Trump so much. Why I don't get along with my brother. He's a cheater. Of course he's also a Trump supporter which is no surprise. I know that's a horrible thing to say about my brother but it's the truth. My other brother, who died a few years ago, wasn't a cheater. I've always been ashamed that a blood relative of mine, my sibling, is a cheater. Much as I'm ashamed that I permitted myself to be taken advantage of by this service company. My late friend Bob McCamley said something to me many years ago that shocked me at the time but now I realize in one respect he knew me better than I knew myself. He said "Ron, you are the most naive person I've ever known." When he told me that I didn't know whether or not to be offended or take it as a sincere observation from a close friend of mine.
I'm far from a perfect person but one thing I am not is a liar, cheat and thief. Unfortunately too many people in this world are just that. One thing I realized many years ago is that the world is made up on wolves and sheep. I'm not a wolf but I would like to think I'm not a sheep either. Life is a challenge and as I wrote in my previous blog, life is about learning. I'm still learning folks. And I'll still be learning until the day I die. But you know what folks? I spent my whole adult life with that man in the picture with the Corvair and now I will spend the rest of my life with another man (Pat) who are both honest and loving men. In that respect I am very lucky.
I look at my pictures of Bill and talk to Pat on FaceTime during times like this when I am so disgusted with some of my fellow human beings.
I have. Many times. Especially since Bill died. My purpose of life seem to have ended.
When Bill first became ill (January of 2021), I thought I lost him after he was airlifted to the Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia. I found Bill on the floor that morning, unconscious. I never thought I would see him alive again.
That evening while checking my mail I found a note from Glenn M. He was the longtime partner of Mike W., a longtime follower of my blog. He informed me that his Michael had died. He wanted me to know. I was so distraught that evening I called Glenn and thus we began a mutually beneficial friendship to this day of emotional support. During one of our many Zoom conversations I asked Glenn "Do you know why we're here?" He immediately answered "To learn." Immediately that made sense to me. "To learn." None of this we're here to praise God. We're here to accept "the Lord" Jesus Christ as our savior. This is some big test that if he don't pass we're going to burn in Hell for eternity. All that nonsense never made sense to me. But "to learn", now that made sense.
Indeed as I look over the past eighty-three years of my life I have learned a lot. I'm still learning.
Today I found this You Tube video while perusing my You Tube account, where I spend a lot of my time these days. After listening to this video, now my life makes complete sense. This woman has the answer and it is very simple, the purpose of our life is to LEARN TO LOVE. This is a little more than just "to learn." LEARN TO LOVE.
No judgment. No test. Just learning to love.
I remember when I started out my life I was mostly about myself and just surviving. Starting out as a gay man I already had a major strike against me. Then to have a father who consistently belted belittled me, I thought I was worthless. But I had this drive to survive. I never once gave serious thought to drowning my life in drugs or alcohol or self pity. Well, maybe a little bit of self pity. I'm good at that.
From the time I was twelve years old I knew I had to get out of the chaotic family life I was trapped in. I knew that wasn't my goal in life. I wanted more. What to do though? I wasn't particularly smart or talented. I didn't have the benefit of family wealth. Like millions of others of my ilk during the Forties and Fifties, we were literally dirt poor. We (my two younger brothers) didn't even wear shoes in the summertime. That was for school. Hard to believe? It's true. The only people poorer than we were "The Coloreds" who lived in the alley behind us on Washington Avenue. I remember once when I accepted an invitation from Gracie Styer to visit her home after school one day, one of my few black (a term that was not used in the Forties and Fifties) classmates. I was shocked at the shack her family lived in on Cox Alley, the street behind our apartment building. "Street" is a quaint term, it literally was an alley. I thought my family lived in a dump, hers was even worse. I was shocked that her family lived in such a place, little more than a furnish dog house. But I'm drifting down another lane here as I am wont to do when reminiscing about my early life.
At around twelve years old I knew I had to escape that life and........what? What I remember at that time was that I just wanted to live in a regular house with a back yard like most of my classmates. The three blocks where I walked to elementary school I would pass their houses with envy. They had a backyard where they could play. They didn't play down by the railroad tracks that smelled of tar like me and my friend Chubby did. As I got older I realized that, like Cinderella, I wanted to meet my Prince Charming who would sweep me away into that life.
Ten years later, at twenty-two years old, I did meet my Prince Charming when I met Bill Kelly
Bill Kelly 1976 (we met in 1964) in Philadelphia,, PA
at that gay bar in center city Philadelphia. Ironically, at that time I didn't realize he was my Prince Charming. I thought he was just an older man (Bill was thirty-five years old) who was attracted to me. We began a friendship but I made it clear to him that I wasn't in love with him but only considered him as a good friend. I moved in with him when it was mutually beneficial to both of us. He traveled a lot with his job at RCA then General Electric, sometimes for three months at a time. He wanted someone to watch his first floor garden apartment in Pennsauken, New Jersey and I needed a place to stay when I started my $70 a week banking job across the Delaware River in Philadelphia. It was an arrangement that worked for both of us.
In the ensuing Fifty-nine years we lived together I had several serious affairs that almost ended our relationship but Bill always stuck with me when those foolish affairs ended, always badly. Bill literally saved me from ruining my life on more than one occasion. So many times. Just a few of the names I almost left Bill were George Vishinsky, Brad Corrill, Bob Murphy, Paul Bickerstaff, and Harold Harnish. Yes, I'm naming names. All but Paul and Bob have died. Coincidentally Bob Murphy, also the name of my straight neighbor, now lives nearby in Rehoboth Beach with his husband. Last year he took me out to lunch (first time he ever paid for a meal with me) after not seeing me for forty-five years. He's happy with his partner. I'm happy for him. I have seen Paul on Facebook. He lives in Florida now but doesn't post too often. Those other guys, if I had left Bill and lived my life with them I would have literally ruined my life. Oh did I ever learn. I thought I loved them but they didn't love me. For their own reasons they all initiated a relationship with me, not me with them. Through it all though, Bill was there for me. My steady pillar.
Last February of 2024, when I spent the last three days of his life with Bill at the hospice center as he was dying all I kept saying to those who were trying to console me was "He put up with me!" Even as I say that now, I tear up. "Bill put up with me!"
Here he was my Prince Charming all along and I didn't even know I was living with him.
Bill awaits me in Heaven now. I don't know when I'll die but at eighty-four years old, it can't be long now. I look forward to when I pass on and spend my life with his spirit in eternity. In the meantime, I have learned how to love and I will love Pat
Pat and me in Palm Springs this past February. This is where Pat will eventually live after we get married. I'll stay here in Delaware. I'll visit Pat, especially in the winter!
all my remaining days. Loving Pat is different than loving Bill. With Bill, he was like a father or older brother figure to me when we met. Of course that changed over the years to the point that I was his full-time caregiver. One of the if not the greatest privilege of my life, caregiving for Bill there remaining three. years of his life. Pat is like my little brother I never had. Yes, I did have two younger brothers but I was never close to them. One has died and my other brother is still alive but lost to the MAGA world. I haven't talked to him for years and I doubt if I ever will again.
With what time I have left in this world I am going to use what I learned in my life and that is to LEARN HOW TO LOVE (the meaning of life), and just love Pat with all I can give him.
Pat is a pure sole. So good hearted. I think he loves me but not in the same way as Bill. He's quite content to continue living by himself and that's alright with me. I want him to be happy. Because I love him. At this point in my life, it's not about me but about who I love.
Pat just called me on FaceTime, as he does every day for the thirteen years that I have known him. I don't think we have ever went one day without talking on FaceTime. We don't see each other in person as often as we did when Bill was alive and I had a part-time job that I could afford to take the four trips a year that we got together. It's interesting because when I was with Bill he always wanted to be with me in person. Sometimes too much, I felt smothered. But with Pat, he doesn't have that interest in being with me in person. He's a loner. But we all need somebody in our life even though we live alone. Actually I'm a loner too, it was an anomaly that I was able to physically live in the same house with Bill all those years and of course I miss his presence in this house every day. I didn't realize how good I had it. But I think if Pat and I lived together 24/7, it wouldn't work.
We're brought up to believe the ideal living arrangement is the nuclear family. Man, woman and 2.3 children, preferably a boy and a girl and a dog (or cat). But love comes in all forms as I have learned in this life. This is what I have learned.
It took a while but now I know my purpose in this life. Oh yes, we live many lives but that is a subject for another blog post.
This time his visit to the American Consulate was successful. There was a brief moment of trepidation, he was asked to provide a means of support once he got married to me and lives in the United States. Then they realized that Pat is retired and has his own means of support (retirement income).
There is still one more step Pat has to take until he can make the trip from Canada to Delaware. He has to get a physical. He'll call today to schedule a date for this last hurdle.
This has been a long slog folks. I began assembling the paper work last August. Then Pat had to assembly his own booklet of paperwork. I can see now why some people just want to walk over the border to the US. What a long and tortuous process this has been. But at least we're finally getting somewhere. Once he completes his physical and passes (I hope!) then his passport will be returned to him with the K-1 VISA stamp. Then we have ninety days to get married.
Right now I'm planning on November 9th, my 84th birthday, for our marriage date.
Pat going to bed in his hotel room the night before his interview at the American Consulate in Montreal. P.S. (He was never able to get to sleep)
Pat just left this morning for his six hour trip to Montreal. This time he has an original copy of Bill's death certificate.
His appointment at the American Consulate is tomorrow morning. Hopefully everything goes smoothly and he can get his K-1 VISA.
I started this process last July. It's a long slog to marry a foreigner. You can't believe the paperwork both of us have had to submit. Also fees, on both sides. Lots of hurdles and hoops to jump through.
If all goes well today and he gets his approval to marry me, we'll have ninety days to get married. Right now I'm planning out marriage on my birthday, November 9th at the Georgetown DE Sussex County Courthouse.
Yesterday I had an appliance repairman take a look at my old refrigerator. Just to be on the safe side. I don't want my refrigerator conking out again.
He took a look and yes, it will malfunction again. He ordered a replacement part and will install it when he receives it.
I'm still glad I'm keeping my old refrigerator though. Not only is it cheaper to replace the part ($330 including labor) it is a lot less than the $1,704.98 I was paying for my new refrigerator. Also, I had a suspicion that the new refrigerators aren't as well made as the one I have now. My appliance repairman agreed with me.
I pulled the plug to defrost ice that had built up in the rear of the freezer. My purpose here was since I thought my refrigerator was dead, why not make it neat for the mover? Previously I had pulled my refrigerator out from the wall to vacuum any dust buildup. I also vacuumed the vent at the bottom where the coils are. I didn't take off the cardboard covering. But I vacuumed as best I could through the openings.
I left the refrigerator off all night. The next day I plugged it back in. I don't remember why, perhaps curious as to what would happen. The lights were always on in the refrigerator even when it wasn't providing cool temperatures. Nothing happened.
For the rest of the day I returned to my regular routine then when I came in my kitchen for lunch I heard the motor running! "What's this?" I thought.
I opened the refrigerator door and sure enough, my refrigerator was cooling! Hallelujah!
OMG! Is my refrigerator really working? It seemed so. I went to my AI app and asked what happened. I explained what I did, vacuuming the coils and turning my refrigerator off. Here's the answer my AI (Gemini) gave me:
Who knew? I backed in to my fix. But you know what? I think Bill helped me. Bill's been helping me solve problems since he passed away almost a year and a half now. I really believe this.
This morning I called the Home Depot hotline and cancelled my order for the new refrigerator. I wasn't totally happy with getting a new refrigerator anyway. For one thing I like my old refrigerator. And, unlike many of my friends, I've never had trouble with my ice maker in the twenty years I've had this refrigerator. I think everybody I know has had trouble with their ice make at one time or another.
Another thing, I don't think the new refrigerators are as dependable as the old refrigerators. Never in my eighty-three years on this planet did I have a refrigerator die on me. This was a first. I've gotten new refrigerators but that was just because I wanted a newer refrigerator or in the case when we sold our Pennsylvania house, I bought a new refrigerator to make the kitchen more attractive to potential buyers. Also, this new refrigerator I bought has sharp edges, not rounded one like my present refrigerator. And just one more thing, I'm saving money ($1,704.98) which I can use for other expenses which I'm sure will crop up in the future. But just to be sure, I contacted a repairman that is highly recommended on the NextDoor app to come and check out my present refrigerator. I would like to keep this refrigerator until I make my exit. Let the new owners of this house buy a new refrigerator.
