Exhausting

Blister on palm of hand

 Just finished a few minutes ago getting Bill ready for his day. It's not getting any easier folks.

This morning was especially difficult because I have a blister on the center of my left hand palm. That was as a result of a wart being burned off yesterday at my dermatologist's office. It hurts like Hell. I can't pop the blister, I have to let it heal on its own. This makes it difficult for me to hold onto Bill's hands when I pull him up from his recliner that he has slept in overnight. A blister on the center of your left hand palm makes every thing more difficult. And it hurts like Hell.

Seems like I get one thing fixed on me which always results in pain I have to endure. I have the constant respiratory problem that I've had the past few years. Phlegm builds up on my throat that I have constantly clear. My nose runs constantly. 

My legs are weak and getting weaker. When I bend down to help Bill put on his daily change of Depends I need the help of his walker to get up. And that's getting harder as my arms weaken. My legs have been weak for years, that's why it's so hard for me to walk up stairs.

Now there is a new problem. I have to give Bill pain pills three times daily for his arthritic pain. Already I'm cutting them in half. He's always had trouble swelling pills because of his narrow esophagus. I may have to cut them in quarters. At least that's one problem I don't have, swallowing pills. 

I'm tired folks, tired, tired, tired.

What keeps me going, the carrot at the end of the stick, is that someday I may be able to retire to that beautiful home in Palm Springs. No more snow, no more pain, no more housework, no more lawn work, no more caregiving. 

I'll say it again and again, I'm thankful that I have Bill here at home and able to be his caregiver. I'm luckier than most because my caregiving responsibilities are minor compared to many other caregivers. And I am caregiving for a kind and gentleman who knows who I am an appreciates my caregiving for him. 

Both my brothers were caregivers for my Mother. I knew my turn was coming.

When my friends Bob McCamley and Wayne "The Cajun" Juneau needed a caregiver to take them out of the hospital when I visited them, I demurred.  I've always felt guilty about not taking them into my home even though the hospital wanted somebody, anybody to release them from the hospital. I knew that I couldn't do it because I was already taking care of our whole household if not physically taking care of Bill. But I always knew I would "get my turn." It's "my turn" now folks. And I'm here to tell you, it isn't easy. And please, no suggestions to hire somebody to come in and care for Bill. I can't afford it and Bill wouldn't stand for it. 

I go one day at a time. If I get through the day I count that as a winner. Then tomorrow it starts all over again. It would be nice though when this blister pops. It hurts like Hell.