Honoring these hands

Honoring my hands today.

 I have moved into reading, composing and posting here on blog these days. This is from a relatively focused life making things with my hands over many years. In the last 12 years before my final retirement I would wake up at night thinking about creations in clay, and how to sell them. The latter was not half as much fun, nor as therapeutic as the former.

Now I comment on blogs of my friends with whom I catch up frequently, and am among the few bloggers who reply to comments. It has to do with time available, and maybe lack of other interests to pursue. 

I'm basically an echo of my former self. My word-finding ability to express myself usually happens eventually, or I can find a work-around. But my hands will continue to shake more and keep me from doing much but typing on keyboards…avoiding all hand activities which most creativity depends upon.  Even mouse-movements sometimes are difficult. This is the life with Essential Tremor.

I think this leads me to take some photos of my hands and do some grief work - which I may or may not share here. But it has been interesting to go back through a few folders to capture what these hands were doing. The photos miss the actual creativity of my clay work, painting watercolors, and fiber work, like knitting or quilting. But here's what I've found. (Just in the last year.)

Now...as I started this process. Just the right hand for now.

My right pinky finger has begun to bend in a new way from middle knuckle in the last year, and I often have painful joints. I was recently examined at Asheville Arthritis and they say it's osteoarthritis, which still means only pain relief to consider, but nothing will stop it from continuing.

Dec. 2025, these hands show their bones and veins!

Just one glove for this iPhone photographer at the Christmas tree store in November 2025. I can usually capture a photo but have a lot of trouble writing texts on the phone. Thank heaven for audio dictation even with all it's glitches.

In Aug '25 I pushed myself to go see these waterfalls with friends, with my handy walking stick. (Next month I was in the hospital for second time in 6 months with pneumonia!) Having Bronchiectasis means my lungs work harder and cause almost constant coughing to clear the mucous.

July 2025, many Sunday mornings I met friends for coffee and pastries at Four Sisters Bakery, where eating outside was enjoyable. So far I can hold a cup without too much shaking, and most bites of food arrive in my mouth on my fork. Finger control seems to be the worst of my Essential Tremor so far, which is slowly deteriorating, though they work better in mornings than evenings. Drugs do not help though they did for a while! Now I have to balance breathing needs with the shaky fingers in considering drug help.

April 2025 saw me in Colorado and Utah with son and his wife...and borrowed a walking stick for short hikes. Mainly out of breath from the altitude and recovering from first hospitalization for pneumonia in March. (But I  had skipped quite a few years since last time, so I guess that's a good thing.)

A very small silly goal was to make a snowball on the way to Telluride...where snow was still piled next to overlooks.

And this was the take home antibiotic which I carried with me to Colorado, recuperating and yet having a wonderful time. 

So I'll stop with my hands of 2025. Maybe share some more sometime down the road.

How do I feel about the loss of hand-usefulness? I'm sure not happy about it. As an artist all my life, I've had a screeching halt to my creative loves. But I can still see what I like, and for now taking photos can convey sharing beauty with others.

I finally started telling staff at a doctor's office that I have a disability in that I cannot fill out forms (which they want me so much to do!) I'm going to start asking for that to be flagged on my charts.

 I have a daughter-in-law who also has hand difficulties as a result of an accident when she was in her teens. She has proved she can do just about everything as a loving wife and mother of three beautiful daughters. So her drive and positive attitude are an inspiration for me.

Coping. That's the term I think I've embraced as a senior. Coping with life's many changes. Reduced expectations definitely. But finding small things that are satisfying, and sharing gratitude.

I'm perhaps a bit foolish in some of my decisions, but am not going to skip the wonderful times I can have because of my weaker systems. It's strange to find oneself at 83 with some things that still work fine, and others that have decided to just go kerplunk! 

I'm very very grateful for the muscles in my legs which now allow me to climb a flight of stairs, without having to pull myself up with the railing. That's a big accomplishment at this time, and I owe it mainly to staying with my son over Thanksgiving where I had a bed and bathroom on the second floor of their home.  Plus I try to climb a flight of stairs every other day. I still get out of breath, but the handrail now is just in case I should trip.

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I did a quick search and found that exactly two years ago I had an Occupational Therapy evaluation of my hands, so here's that post, though really not that interesting.

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More thoughts of eternity

So skip this if you don't want to think of inspiration.
Skip this if you want to look at the funny papers...
and not consider the divine.

The good thing about my thoughts on eternity are that I won't use the G (od) word once.

I even will refrain from calling the Source of all by any name besides that.  I like that Jews don't have a name for the eternal one that is spoken.  Kind of smart.

Anyway, in a group last evening, I shared a couple of really important (for me) thoughts.  They were maybe considered by others, but quickly the topic was changed.  I think I may have gotten off into my comfortable place, but the others weren't there with me.  Happens a lot.

I have a watercolor which I painted on the wall where I usually see it when I first wake up in the morning, and when I go to sleep at night (when I can't really see it because it's dark then).

The painting has a pair of hands posed as if in prayer, within a circle.  Then above the hands and touching the tips of the fingers is another pair of hands, also in a prayer position, but facing downward.  They are both my hands as model.  They both are within the circle.  One pair has thumb closest (the bottom set) and the other has pinkie showing close to view.

For me this always was just a pleasant picture, reminding me of the circle of connection between what I know and what I don't know.

But in the last week or so I've become more aware that people do pray with fervent desire, even yearning in their hearts.  I may have prayed like this during crisis, but I seldom do it as part of my daily meditation.  I spend most of that time being empty of thought, and listening for something, which I don't think is considered prayer.

So back to praying and yearning for something from the Source.  I realized that perhaps the Source of all could have similar feelings toward the people praying; that the infinite all knowing might be yearning for us to do/say/think/be as much as we might be yearning for Source to do/say/think/be.

So when I look at the painting now I've got a different slant on things.

Today I noticed how much love I feel toward my small animals.  It's similar to parental affection and perhaps replacing that since my kids are all grown and not part of my daily life any more.

  Again the big jump to thinking that Source of all might feel the same love and affection toward the beings that walk around on earth.  This is very much like my sense of Buddhist  reverence for all life.  But it goes one step further in having that emotion of love shared equally but magnified to include me.  Am I loved in the same way that my animals are by me?

When was the last time you felt like you were embraced in love by a diety?  I gotta say most of my sense of love has been from humans.  I feel that the beauty and blessings and grace from a divine source are part of my existence, but that love, mmm, maybe not so much.

I can't say I've ever thought "well, that experience sure says that the divine loves me."  Unless it was the kind of "I must be loved or I wouldn't have had that experience."  No, really never felt love from the Source...warm fuzzy comforting.  Nope.  Missed out there.

There's more, but I'm tired of writing for now.  I'm not posting my picture of praying hands meeting hands from "above".  I don't want it out there in the land of internet.  It's too personal.