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Sorry I didn't post yesterday. But think of it as one less Sue you need to tolerate. :D


" I think she is hiding something. And I'm fully determined to find it out. Secret services know better then to not *bleep* with me."

Bleep. Right then. I cannot believe this person wrote "*bleep*". What. The. *bleep*.

Title: Spectre's and Spectra's
Author: Spectra16. Check the Sue's name below, then cry. This person also proclaims her hate for homosexuals in her profile, asking them "what are you people thinking?" She also hates "hippocrates"; I'm not sure if she means "hypocrites" or the Greek father of medicine.

I now feel as if I have the right to hate this person. And I do. Wee!

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five neutrino shots to the head

Name: Spectra16/Alicia Hamilton, I think. 'Think' because the author never mentions it until the narration suddenly switches over to third person and back again for no reason.
Species: Human/Super super special hacker.
Hair: Not mentioned.
Eyes: Not mentioned.
Markings/Clothing/Possessions: Not mentioned. But there is the bit where she gets dressed in front of Artemis. (o_O)
Does the LEP stand a chance? With her l337 hacking skillz? Nevar!

Origin: Some hacker group. I can't understand what the hell the story is talking about, so maybe she's really just from a pasty middle-aged computer nerd group.
Connections To Canon: None. She goes shopping with Juliet and Angeline, for what I just do not know. She also goes to Artemis's ALL BOYS SCHOOL. WHY DO YOU AUTHORS KEEP DOING THIS? WHAT PART OF "SAINT BARTLEBY'S SCHOOL FOR YOUNGER GENTLEMEN" DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND?
Special Abilities: She made me believe that the "narrator" was a boy for a very, very long time. I'd been skimming at first and had never seen a single mention of her gender. Oh yes, that's good writing all right.
Traits: Being a psycho bitch. She really is. She also seems to take pleasure in pointing out the differences between her culture and anyone else's as theirs is obviously very faulty.

American = normal in her eyes. So please, please spork her.

Final Thoughts: Artemis is such a pervert in this. He's always touching the Sue, sitting on her bed, doing things that our Arty (the true, non-touch-feely one) would never do nor approve of. Why Artemis has been turned into a sex object I will never know.

I didn't understand half of what was happening. The most I can get is this: Alicia/Spectra16/Psycho Bitch is a hacker that Artemis hired. She hates him for some stupid reason that I can never quite fully grasp, but still wants to work for him. This will be known as Plot Point #1: force a shallow relationship between the Sue and Arty by making them inseparable. The hacker uses her not-so-l337 skillz to hack into some dude's computer. Said dude then, I dunno, kidnaps her? Where does he even kidnap her? I cannot honestly understand any of this drivel. What the hell is happening?

The author also says the reviews given "torched her." I checked them and found two very polite people offering constructive criticism. This girl is a *bleeping* weirdo.

Sample:( Her ego is astounding.Collapse )

This should be impossible, but it apparently isn't. It takes some real skillz to make a Sue out of Artemis Fowl II not once, but TWICE in the same story.

Title: Artemis goes to Hogwarts
Author: Roxy

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

three neutrino shots to the head. i can't keep doing "x infinity" and i wuv arty too much to hurt him.

Name: Artemis Fowl II. Because of this story, I now think Arty's name is very Sue-ish indeed. Damn the author, damn her to Hell. *weeps*
Species: Human/Fairy. I ask you, WTF??!?!?!!!?!1!1
Hair: ... raven black, according to the books. Oh, my God, stop making Arty being a Sue sound plausible.
Eyes: A dark blue, again according to the books. Eoin, make it stop!
Markings/Clothing: Abnormally pale, according to - say it with me now - the books. Evil. You are the essence of eeeviiil.
Does the LEP stand a chance? NO. *cries and prays for death*

Origin: Not mentioned. But we all know he had an angsty past, so fuck it.
Connections To Canon: The real Artemis Fowl, who this Artemis kidnapped and is currently keeping in his closet.
Special Abilities: His intelligence and magic. He could only start using his magic after his fifteenth birthday, which - surprise! - is happening that very day in whatever the hell universe the author dreamed up. Isn't that lovely! :D*

*kill me.

Traits: Being outrageously OOC. "He had promised himself that for today, he would be a normal boy, or as normal as it was possible for him to be." This may come as a surprise, but ARTEMIS IS QUITE HAPPY NOT BEING A NORMAL BOY. HE DOES NOT LIKE NORMAL BOYS.* I BET HE WISHES THEY WOULD ALL DISAPPEAR FROM EXISTENCE WITH A SNAP OF HIS FINGERS, ALONG WITH ALL THE EVIL, EVIL FANGIRLS THAT PLAGUE HIM.

*except as sex objects. Stop looking at me like that.

Final Thoughts: Why are Foaly, Julius, and Holly constantly referred to as "the People?" Do they suddenly make up Haven's entire population? Were the rest kidnapped by Fake!Artemis too?

Fake!Artemis is an evil, evil bastard.

He is also, and I want you to get all of this, the following: A Muggle born, a Slytherin, hated by Snape for no fucking reason, but even more so than usual, "Artemis entertained a fantasy about what he would like to do to Malfoy, until he got back," and in possession of "Archimedes, [his own] Australian Powerful owl, ( ninox strenua)." Now, I want you all to listen very carefully to this next bit:

Artemis stopped screeching only because a beak/muzzle was in the way, and it wouldn’t open, no matter how much he wanted it to. Fur erupted out of his skin. He could feel himself changing, although Professor Snape hadn’t mentioned how much pain came from changing one’s shape. He fell forward onto his hands, or what had been his hands. They resembled paws more closely than hands. And then he felt the presence of another mind, of instinct in it’s most basic form. He yelled as it rushed over him, wearing his own mind down, and then there was only the intelligence and instinct of what he had become. A predator of extreme power.

What. The. Fuck. Artemis is not only his own fandom's Mary Sue, he's Harry Potter's as well. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I AM NOT FOWL. I AM BLACK-FANG, LEADER OF THE MESITAR ACUMEN. MIGHTY ONES. PART OWL, PART WOLF. YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I HAVE ALREADY EATEN OR I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU LONG BEFORE THIS.

I... no words. No words. Click the cut below to view the scene in all its debatable splendor.

Sample: ( 'WHY SHOULD I LISTENING TO YOU?'Collapse )</i>
Randomly, another direct quote:

End of Chapter 3
I would really appreciate feed back on this stories. Thanks.
End of Chapter 4

Yes. Well then.


Edit: Because I am a masochist, here is some fanart I did for this story. Yes, I know my drawin' skillz sux0r.

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This one is worse than yesterday's and that is saying something.


Title: ARTEMIS AND THE INCCIDENT IN AMERICA <--- caps lock, anyone?
Author: Elizabeth Ratz

Punishment for the Mary Sue?
x infinity again
there just aren't enough. this is beyond comprehension.

Name: Victoria, but there are a lot more. Excluding Butler and Artemis, everyone is someone that the author knows and is friends with, aka the "AznX Krew." They are all city-wise asshats, by the by.
Species: Human/HORRIBLE ATROCIOUS GOD-AWFUL SELF-INSERT MARY SUE.
Hair: "Short curly brown."
Eyes: "Magnificent brown eyes with brown eyeshadow eyeliner and lipgloss." You put lipgloss on eyes now? My my. I am behind on the times.
Markings/Clothing: Artemis thinks she's "a really cute girl." Right then, Arty.
Does the LEP stand a chance? I... I can't read anymore to possibly know. It hurts. A lot.

Origin: "BUFFALO NEW YORK , INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL 45." Victoria is a stereotypical city girl with her "girls" and "Eminem" guys. I hate her. Kill, KILL.
Connections To Canon: None, thank God.
Special Abilities: Being spectacularly good at guessing things wrongly. "Hey what's your name?? " asked the girl. "Artemis Fowl" he replied weakly. "Artemis? Is that Irish?" ... "Yea actually it is Irish, I just transferred from Ireland." I'm sorry, but last time I checked Artemis was a GREEK NAME.
Traits: ... I honestly can't tell. I can't pick out anything that isn't 2D about this "character." Hell, I don't think she's even 2D, but rather 1D. Can that even exist?

Final Thoughts: Mother of God, kill it. Just kill it. Fics like this shouldn't exist. The author felt like wanking and this was the result. Please, people, when you write something make it a plausible idea. Just because you want something to happen doesn't mean that it can work.

I can't form any mean and nasty words now. I just really can't.

Sample: ( Interestingly enough, someone that I listed as a Mary Sue author tells the writer that this is absolute shit. Needless to say, she had one of the more developed original characters I have thus far seen. Go her!Collapse )

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This is so fucked up that it makes me want to maim, kill, and then eat the world's fangirls - all of them - with a helluva lot of ketchup.

Title:Duelers
Author: Haily-Comet She writes Hamtaro love stories. Enough said.
Summary: Later on in the story, she apologizes for offending the Chinese: Hey! Whassup? More AF writing! I got this ALSO from an anime series! I think it's a cool story! Please, just R+R and if you flame me you are a coward!! I like my characters OOC so DEAL WITH IT!!!

Punishment for the Mary Sue?
x infinity
sweet jesus, it burns.

Name: There are several, but the one that, ahem, "deserves" the most attention is "Sakura Duelist/Yamato/Cherry Blossom." Artemis mistakes her for being Chinese. Every moronic fangirl in existence knows that "Sakura" is Japanese, but the smartest boy in Ireland does not. Mm. Nonsensical nonsense.

There is also the dark-skinned Mexican "Rosio," the typically French "Francesca," and Tomo, who, with his "black hair and chocolate colored eyes," was quickly made to be Sakura's whipped bitch. Sakura is the only Sue of the story worthy enough to have a last name, apparently. Please note that I think these are what their names are. The English is so butchered in this paragraph that I don't know who is who in this garbled mess.
Species: Human/Yugi fangirl. Please, God, kill it.
Hair: Sakura has "black hair." Descriptive.
Eyes: "Full of mischief."
Possessions: The "Duel Cube," which magically creates a duel arena.
Does the LEP stand a chance? No. Sakura built her "Duel Cube" with fairy technology, so it's safe to say that she has evil mind powers that can destroy them.

Origin: As Sakura explains, "We are all foreign and live here in Ireland. We have no parents, for they were either killed, or we were abused. I was abused, unfortunately. We live in a small house and keep the house with money we get for winning the game.”

Sweet merciful God.
Connections To Canon: They know Holly and Foaly, who helped them build the "Duel Cube." Goodness me, I never knew Holly was a Yugi fan. Tell me, does Foaly whack off to Ryou?
Special Abilities: Sakura has the beautiful ability to make me hate her within three milliseconds of reading her name. She can also write Artemis mysterious fangirly emails that he actually wants to read, a great feat indeed.
Traits: Amazo-bitch, I'm guessing. But the writing quality is so poor that I can't even determine what type of personality she has.

Final Thoughts: Words fail me. This unrivaled shit leaves me unable to make any sort of witty commentary. I'm not sure what's worse, the author crossing over Artemis Fowl with Yu-Gi-Oh or the horrible unedited writing that makes me want to kill myself. "Hailey-Comet" even manages to mangle AOL's trademark "You've got mail," something that just astounds me.

I have nothing else to say. The sample can explain its own disturbing self.

Sample: ( God has no mercy.Collapse )

Title: Artemis Fowl and the Missing Fairy File
Author: SleepyBunny

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five neutrino shots to the head. i'd say more, but i don't want to ruin my bandwidth.

Name: Whitney Devou or something. Her last name is only mentioned in the summary and in a brief email to her friend.
Species: Human.
Hair: "Wavy blonde hair that looked darker on the top." Her highlights are fading, I guess.
Eyes: "Swampy green eyes." Which of course will make you think of Wild Thing.
Markings/Clothing: Not mentioned, but we are told that she forgot her underwear. We are also told that she went out to buy them, with BUTLER.
Does the LEP stand a chance? No. She'd tell them stupid jokes about underwear that don't make any sense and they'd run off, very, very afraid of her.

Origin: She's Artemis's Cousin Kate’s best friend’s daughter who's coming to Ireland for the year. One the count of three, everyone laugh heartily.
Connections To Canon: ... she's Artemis's Cousin Kate's best friend's daughter. Weren't you reading?
Special Abilities: The power to talk about underwear in strange situations and get away with kicking Artemis's shins right underneath Butler's nose. Also, Juliet seems to have the power to magically collect dust now. One minute it's there, another it's gone...
Traits: She's annoying, and Artemis hates her for it. I love you, Arty.

And she's an ass. She really, really is.

Final Thoughts: This story has to be seen to be believed. The paragraph breaks are miles apart, grammar and spelling are BUTCHERED, and the story makes no licking of goddamn sense. "Your Cousin Kate's best friend's daughter?" What the hell is that?

Artemis hates her (good boy, have a boi biscuit), but will undoubtedly fall in love with her. Why? Because Angeline Fowl says so, dammit.

Sample: ( The entire story. Without the giant miles of white between the paragraphs, it's actually rather short.Collapse )

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Bwah! As inuyashasues pointed out, FF.N is back. Aren't we all... happy?



Title: When All Else Fails <--- Christ all mighty, it's a PETER PAN CROSSOVER.
Author: The REAL Ami Potter <--- If she was imitated because of horribly misplaced hero worship, there is something very wrong with the world.

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five nuetrino shots to the head. why, god, why.

Name: Sariah Anastasia Hikari. Oh yes, Sariah sounds very Japanese, mm hmm. Just like Anastasia does. "Hikari" also means light, as just about every fangirl knows, and just about every fangirl uses it for a Mary Sue name. Ya-awn.
Species: Human. But I'm sure she has latent Elven abilities, because they always do. Sadly. I hate you, world.
Hair: "Long auburn hair, which reached to around her elbows, [and is] tied into a neat ponytail."
Eyes: "Stunning blue eyes."
Markings/Clothes: "She was clad in a formal looking outfit : A grey pleated skirt with a pair of grey shorts under it, a white blouse, a pair of solid white socks, and black mary-janes." Oh Lord, Artemis has a Catholic school girl fetish? I can see him dating Britney Spears now, and it's all this author's fault. She also has a "melodic" voice, meaning she could perhaps sing. I can really, really picture Artemis dating Britney Spears now. Oh God, please make the pain stop...

Artemis also describes her to be like "poisoned honey" (he supposed). Kill. KILL.
Does the LEP stand a chance? Of course not! Her nationality is completely different than her name. Therefore she has super secret ninja powers.

Origin: " Well. It all started when I was four, going on five. I was a very late child, and my brother was ten years older than I was. My father and brother were going out. Me and Michel were really close. There was a massicure. On my fifth birthday I had to go and help my mum sort through mangled bodies and try and figure which one was Michel's and Dad's... Ill never forget what they looked like."

She paused, feeling ready to cry, but refuseing ; willing herself not to. Artemis looked on with pity. But why didnt she stay with her mother? Then his questioned was answered.

"Two years after that, when I was seven, our house caught on fire. My mother couldent get out. She died. I ran away because I didnt have any relatives or any family friends to take care of me, and I refused to stay with a foster family. So, ive been on my own since I was seven. "

Oh wah. Boo hoo. I weep crocodile tears for the angsty Mary Sue. Really, I do. :~( <--- my nose even runs in agonysympathy.
Connections To Canon: None. Completely "OC."
Special Abilities: She can make Angeline Fowl think that Artemis actually has an interest in women. The poor misguided dear. She's also Artemis's "peer," meaning that she is every bit as cunning and brilliant as he is.

Pff. I snort at this. When will the authors learn?

Sariah is also good at karate. She "[counts] her blessings she had taken karate when she was little." Wait, when did she do that? Before she was seven? d00d, that means she would be teh SUCK at it. I know that people that begin from an early age are good at karate, but that's because they're constantly doing it. It's not like "Oh, I learned it when I was in the womb, therefore I am GOD at it." Stupid poowizards.

Finally, Sariah can make Artemis stare dreamily at her and stupidly steal items that could never be sold on the black market because of their high profile. As mentioned below, there supposedly is no snag in their "plan," but mm. I think this is a pretty big one. People don't just go and wear the crown jewels everyday, you know.
Traits: Often seen alone, pale and bitter looking, while angsting in the corner. Her life is just so tough. Being a seven year-old druglord wannabe will do that to you.

Final Thoughts: I liked how Sariah's plan "could really work... it was fool-proof. This couldent fail..." But then the author doesn't even describe how it's exactly "fool-proof." What? Shall we fill in the blanks? "Then Sariah and Artemis stole the crown jewels. Hip hip hooray! Hoor-AY!"

But oh, there is one snag. Sariah doesn't have lodgings! Oh noes! Whatever shall they do?

Why, have her stay at Artemis's, of course! Wee, another forced shallow relationship plot point that was only brought into existence in order to serve the author's wish fulfilling needs! I feel so happy now. I think I'll go have a cry (of joy!).

Sample: ( And did I mention the pirates? Yes! Pirates kidnap her!Collapse )

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The author admits that this is a self-insertion, but not a Mary Sue. "Yes, it's self-insertion. But my character isn't perfect; far from it!" Do you want to be the one that tells her it's still pathetic wish fufillment, or shall I?

Title: And then Artemis said, 'Bring It On' <--- do you smeeeell what the Fowl is cooking?
Author: The Penmaster. But her name is Jo, which means ominous and horrible things.

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

three neutrino shots to the head. she made me laugh. once.
The author has also told off someone who wrote pure shite. She is now redeemed in my eyes.

Name: Jo. "She's me."
Species: Evil, self-inserting fangirl.
Hair: Not mentioned.
Eyes: Not mentioned.
Markings, clothes, etc. : A necklace, "dangerously low tight hip-huggers and a tiny crop top," and then later pulls on a sweater. Aw, modesty.
Does the LEP stand a chance? Yes. Jo screams "I am useless! Please save me!" I think the only weapon she has is the power to make people dance. She can also scream "LLAMAS!" loudly.

Origin: A bedroom with peach walls and digital clock. Excitement.
Connections To Canon: ... she's read the first two books?
Special Abilities: Making Artemis Fowl, poster boy for the thin and pale, question the bigness of his ass. Making Juliet dance to Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty." MAKING ARTEMIS FOWL GO CLUBBING IN A TANKTOP. Sadly, the idea intrigues me. I'm a huge supporter of making Artemis Fowl go boi. He also breakdances. What the fuck? She'll also make Holly and Artemis see that they're each other's WUN TWU WUV.
Traits: She's a big eater, does not seem at all intimidated by Butler's very big gun, and likes dancing. A lot. In her cute little hiphugger jeans. Mother of Christ, what is wrong with you?

Final Thoughts: Artemis Fowl dancing to Eminem. Riiiight.

"The Penmaster" seems delirious. This is practically admitted wish fufilment on her part. A Mary Sue is someone who, 99% of the time, can make/force characters to do outrageously OOC things. Artemis Fowl breakdancing - BREAKDANCING - is OOC, obviously, so this Jo person is a Mary Sue, plain and simple. I don't know how the author cannot see that. Apparently she believes she is exempt from Mary Sue-ism, as she is a "flawed" "character." Excuse me, but anyone who wears hiphugger jeans in a fanfic is not going to be seen as "flawed," they are going to be seen as a person who deems themselves worthy of being stunningly attractive in written literature when they are obviously not worthy of being so. Mary Sues deserve nothing, zilch, nada, and zip. Absolute zero.

*breaths deeply* Right then. Please hit yourself with a frying pan.

Jo also manages to snag a bedroom attached to Artemis's. Well, isn't that just hunky-dory. That doesn't seem like a forced relationship at all. After all, after I go clubbing with all my fictional male friends, we always shack up! It's the fashion today, mien Sues! Quick, let me rape Harry Potter!

Artemis also has an old t-shirt of Juliet's from when she was fifteen. No reason is given as to why he has it. I could say something about unhealthy obsessions here, but I think Jo already knows that.

Sample: ( Llamas. Why?Collapse )

For those of you who skipped the LJ cut, thus preserving your sanity, Holly was made to be six feet tall in order to be Arty's WUN TRU WUV.

*puke*

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fede helped me find over forty Mary Sues last night. I don't know how she does it. <3



Title: Artemis has a new partnermaybe a new love yes <--- did that make any sense? Any? Any at all?
Author: hakkou-rain

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

five neutrino shots to the head. ouch.

Name: "My name is Lo. ((pronounced: LOW)) which is short for Lolie ((also pronounced LOW-LEE))." Thanks, I needed that. As you can tell, I am a stupid idiot who could never figure out how vowels and consonants work.
Species: Presumably human, but you never know with those pesky hidden genes. Damn you, DNA.
Hair: "With chocolate hair with a bit of a wave." Hair cannot be described as a flavor. It's like saying "fun-sized" is a unit of measurement.
Eyes: "Big, dreamy brown eyes." Dreamy? Does that mean her eyes are in a constant twitching state of REM? Charming.
Markings: "A pretty thing, she was... [with] a perfect figure." She's simply gorg-e-ous.
Does the LEP stand a chance? Against a beautiful, young, and "impressive" pickpocket/hacker? Nevar!

Origin: Her parents died, so she was dropped off at an orphanage. And then she was magically able to hack into the computer files there, and "the rest is history."
Connections To Canon: "Well, I've known Captain Holly Short for quite some time now, even though humans aren't supposed to know about LEPrecaun. But She and I have a long history. We got into an argument, and As payback, I want to steal some of LEP's account gold. Both you and I have that in common, Artemis. We both like gold. I, being a hacker can unlock the Code. But a little bird told me you could help locating it. Face it Fowl, without me, you've got scrap. Without you, I can't get my revenge."

Puh-lease. If Artemis teamed up with every girl who came his way, they'd start fighting each other to the death over him. Mary Sue cage matches do not please the boy genius, people.
Special Abilities: She can make Artemis completely forget that hundreds of people want to kill him and immediately let her in. From a window. Many stories up. Either she can fly or she has one helluva big ladder in her pocket, I don't know. She can also hug Artemis without him killing her, but it makes other fans want to poke her eyes out with a fork.
Traits: Snappy attitude, one that would probably annoy the hell out of Artemis if she wasn't so gosh darn purty. She also needs a stuffed animal to go sleep with, or else she'll have nightmares. The Angsty!Sue needs a teddy bear to sleep with? The hell? And Artemis just happened to have one. Luuu-cky day!

She's also stupid. Really, really stupid. It makes my head hurt. How anyone could be this stupid shocks and amazes me, and it's only up to chapter two. She practically calls Artemis stupid while she herself wins the award of "Amazing Dumbass Of the Century." He lectures her about health and being "anarexic ((sorry, I dun know how to spell it!))" and she asks if he watches "Springer or something." ... wow. Either this is the author's feeble attempt at making her "flawed" or she thinks it's a really cool "attitude."

Final Thoughts: Artemis asks her to spend the night in his room at the end of the first chapter. Apparently Fowl manor doesn't have any guest bedrooms, or none that are good enough for the Sue's tastes. This sort of glaring oversight happens frequently throughout the story, disregarding cannon, common sense/intelligence, and just plain impossibility in order to force a shallow and stupid connection between Lo ((PRONOUNCED LOW)) and Artemis. And when Butler - it's always Butler. Leave Domovoi the hell alone, bitches - walks on to the scene, he makes the fuckered up brilliant and witty comment of "Artemis, why, I never knew you were smuggling girls into Fowl mannor." I do not understand what it is with butchering Butler so horribly beyond recognition. Do Mary Sues have secret bodyguard destroying powers or something?

Note: This fic is the "remastered, and redone, with a new plot" version of a previous fic, and is "much better than before." These simple, innocent words scare the crap out of me.

Sample:( No paragraphing. None.Collapse )

Edit: Well, fudge. I am an idiot. This wasn't a Sherlock Holmes crossover, I was dealing with all new canon. But, she is still wish fufillment, she still brought Holmes back from the dead, and she is still human/elf. Short and short of it is that she is still very much a Mary Sue.

But fuck, now I feel stupid.


w00t w00t. My first Sue post. Feast your eyes on this little crossover.


Title: Sister. And it's a fucking Sherlock Holmes crossover.
Author: Angel (aisumitsukai at home.com) <--- oh, Lord.

Punishment for the Mary Sue?

two neutrino shots to the head

Name: Elizabeth "Beth" Lestrade.
Species: Human/Elf, which is just mind boggling.
Hair: Not described. Presumably like Holly's.
Eyes: See above.
Markings: None described.
Does the LEP stand a chance? No! She's a super fairy, hyuck!

Origin: As told by Holly to Artemis: 'I'm not an only child. My mother gave birth to another daughter three minutes after me. She was also half human/half fairy. Her name was Elizabeth, we called her Beth. Unfortunately, she took after my father. She was much too tall, with white skin. If anyone found out about this, my mother would be in serious trouble. She froze Beth in a chemical designed by Foaly. It kept Beth alive but unconcious. Mother and Foaly stole her away to New London, where they left her in the Underground. They couldn't really leave a hunk of ice with a two-year-old girl in it on someone's doorstep. Mother died three months later. This all happend the same year my father died. Beth inherited those 'perfect human' genes as well. If we could find her....

Oh, Lordy.
Connections To Canon: She's Holly's half-sister. Sue Alert! Sue Alert!
Special Abilities: She got into Scotland Yard at the age of 19, "'She made Inspector very young.'" Like her half-sister, AU!Holly, she's half human so she's "very powerful." The hell? I was under the impression that humans were completely magicless, shame on me. She also - and I'll say this slowly, so you can get the full impact - brought Sherlock Holmes back to life. Sherlock Holmes back to fucking LIFE.
Traits: Ms. Lestrade seems to lack the ability to swear. Instead, she says "zedding." "Oh ZED! Why did I zedding leave my zedding cruiser at Holmes' zedding house?! Aaaaaaaarrrgh!!!!" I fail to see the charm of the word. She also has the standard "Holly's fiery temper" and the author's love of undoubtedly "kawaii" Ace of Base songs:

*
Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl
You've got the moves to rule the world
That cute inscru-tability
Tokyo girl, you're a mystery
*

Holmes wins my respect in this story by shutting the song off as "he [doesn't] like that song." Of course, he's already badly characterized, but who could have seen that one coming? (Insert your favorite "no shit, Sherlock" comment here.)

Notes: I thought that all of my disbelief had already been thrown out the window upon seeing that Holly had a half-human half-sister and that Artemis was over a hundred years old, that Artemis could not crack a database made by Elizabeth Lestrade despite being able to crack Foaly's own in no time flat, and that the author had killed off Butler - BUTLER - but I was sadly proven wrong. When I read the line "She'd brought Sherlock Holmes back to life six months ago" my disbelief ran away to Broadway, stood naked on a stage, and started doing a fanciful jig. I ask you, is there a God?

Final Thoughts: The concept is interesting, but the execution of it lacks coherent thought. The characters are badly OOC: Watson and Foaly make me want to shoot things, Holmes is missing his special brand of snarkiness, and Artemis is... well, not Artemis. There also isn't a single legitimate reason as to why Ms. Lestrade found it perfectly acceptable to bring a fictional character back from the dead, or even how she did it, and she's such a blinding Mary Sue that it makes my retinas burn. Writing skill, spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. is acceptable. If you ignore the unforgivable utterance of "musta" by Holly and the questionable use of the word "zedding," things aren't that bad ("fucking" is by far a much better substitute). The short and short of it is that if there hadn't been a Mary Sue, I could have enjoyed reading, maybe.

Maybe.

Able to ruin not-too-sucky-fics in a single bound: it's Mary Sue!

Sample: ( Concentrated Sue bits make me go 'Zed you!'Collapse )