... no words.
This should be impossible, but it apparently isn't. It takes some real skillz to make a Sue out of Artemis Fowl II not once, but TWICE in the same story.
Title: Artemis goes to Hogwarts
Author: Roxy
Punishment for the Mary Sue?
three neutrino shots to the head. i can't keep doing "x infinity" and i wuv arty too much to hurt him.
Name: Artemis Fowl II. Because of this story, I now think Arty's name is very Sue-ish indeed. Damn the author, damn her to Hell. *weeps*
Species: Human/Fairy. I ask you, WTF??!?!?!!!?!1!1
Hair: ... raven black, according to the books. Oh, my God, stop making Arty being a Sue sound plausible.
Eyes: A dark blue, again according to the books. Eoin, make it stop!
Markings/Clothing: Abnormally pale, according to - say it with me now - the books. Evil. You are the essence of eeeviiil.
Does the LEP stand a chance? NO. *cries and prays for death*
Origin: Not mentioned. But we all know he had an angsty past, so fuck it.
Connections To Canon: The real Artemis Fowl, who this Artemis kidnapped and is currently keeping in his closet.
Special Abilities: His intelligence and magic. He could only start using his magic after his fifteenth birthday, which - surprise! - is happening that very day in whatever the hell universe the author dreamed up. Isn't that lovely! :D*
*kill me.
Traits: Being outrageously OOC. "He had promised himself that for today, he would be a normal boy, or as normal as it was possible for him to be." This may come as a surprise, but ARTEMIS IS QUITE HAPPY NOT BEING A NORMAL BOY. HE DOES NOT LIKE NORMAL BOYS.* I BET HE WISHES THEY WOULD ALL DISAPPEAR FROM EXISTENCE WITH A SNAP OF HIS FINGERS, ALONG WITH ALL THE EVIL, EVIL FANGIRLS THAT PLAGUE HIM.
*except as sex objects. Stop looking at me like that.
Final Thoughts: Why are Foaly, Julius, and Holly constantly referred to as "the People?" Do they suddenly make up Haven's entire population? Were the rest kidnapped by Fake!Artemis too?
Fake!Artemis is an evil, evil bastard.
He is also, and I want you to get all of this, the following: A Muggle born, a Slytherin, hated by Snape for no fucking reason, but even more so than usual, "Artemis entertained a fantasy about what he would like to do to Malfoy, until he got back," and in possession of "Archimedes, [his own] Australian Powerful owl, ( ninox strenua)." Now, I want you all to listen very carefully to this next bit:
Artemis stopped screeching only because a beak/muzzle was in the way, and it wouldn’t open, no matter how much he wanted it to. Fur erupted out of his skin. He could feel himself changing, although Professor Snape hadn’t mentioned how much pain came from changing one’s shape. He fell forward onto his hands, or what had been his hands. They resembled paws more closely than hands. And then he felt the presence of another mind, of instinct in it’s most basic form. He yelled as it rushed over him, wearing his own mind down, and then there was only the intelligence and instinct of what he had become. A predator of extreme power.
What. The. Fuck. Artemis is not only his own fandom's Mary Sue, he's Harry Potter's as well. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I AM NOT FOWL. I AM BLACK-FANG, LEADER OF THE MESITAR ACUMEN. MIGHTY ONES. PART OWL, PART WOLF. YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I HAVE ALREADY EATEN OR I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU LONG BEFORE THIS.
I... no words. No words. Click the cut below to view the scene in all its debatable splendor.
Sample:
Disclaimer; I do not own these character’s. Except Diana Hunting. They belong to Eoin Colfer or J.K. Rowling. I do not own the setting. That belongs to J.K. Rowling. I do however own the mythical creature, Mesitar Acumen mentioned in this chapter and perhaps other chapters. If anyone wishes to know why it is called that, they are welcome to email me. I also own the plot. Thank you to every one who has reviewed me. This chapter is set a month after Mulch and Artemis break into the mining store.
A quick summary; Artemis has just taken Malfoy for a quick flying lesson. This has practically guaranteed Draco as a enemy for Artemis because he hates to be shown up. Mulch has successfully stolen over 7.8 million dollars of precious jewels and stones with Artemis’s help. The police are now looking for them, but have no idea who’s behind it, or even where to find them. He has sent a few choice tit-bits over with Archimedes, Artemis’s Australian Powerful owl, ( ninox strenua) to Hogwarts to help keep Artemis‘s moral up. Enough with the summary, on with the chapter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Artemis drummed his finger’s in a bored manner. He was good at Potions. There was no doubt about it. After all, it was just a slightly more complicated form of chemistry when you got down to the basics. It was more than possible that had it not been for the teacher being out to get him, it would have been his favourite class. Snape choose that minute to enter the classroom, carrying what looked like advanced materials for their spells. He smiled coldly at the group, all of whom were looking decidedly uncomfortable. “I’ve decided that most of you are sufficiently advanced to attempt one of the complicated spells to change a person’s shape. It works on the same basis as an Animagi spell. Therefore, whatever you become when you drink this potion, you will also become should you learn how to master the spell. Needless to say, this spell will not work if you do it incorrectly or if you are not a human. Since we are all human, the only thing most of you will need to worry about if getting it wrong. This potion will be worth a quarter of all your marks and you will be trying it out on yourselves, so I strongly suggest that you get it right" More than one disbelieving look was passed around the classroom. Snape couldn’t be serious could he? It was soon obvious that he was deadly serious as he handed out the required items, waved his wand lazily at the board and writing appeared. Artemis glowered at Snape. He knew perfectly well that this was a lesson for being of fairy blood. He would have to do his best, and plot a way to get back at this imbecile who would humiliate him in front of inferiors. He deftly measured out the required items and placed them in his cauldron. There would probably not be any more to this part of the story, if Malfoy, deciding to show Fowl up in front of everybody, had not dumped a very small quantity of powered unicorns hair in Fowl’s cauldron. Satisfied that it wasn’t enough to kill him (he‘s not that mean), just to stop him from changing, he worked on his own potion. Ten minutes later, Snape told everyone to drink their potions and they would see the results. Artemis glanced at his potion. He knew it wouldn’t work. Was there even a point of drinking it? Yes. He couldn’t show he was different in front of everybody else. Shuddering slightly at the thought of blowing his cover, Artemis drank the potion down. It tasted different to what he would have expected. But then, who knew what to expect? Malfoy managed to control his glee. There was no way Fowl was changing shape. He gladly drank his own potion down.
Snape smiled thinly at every one. “It appears that only a few paid attention to what I was saying. Miss Granger, and Mr Malfoy. Take 10 points for Slytherin, Malfoy” Nobody bothered to point out that this wasn’t fair. They knew it would only result in points being removed from their house. Snape turned to Fowl, delighted to have an opportunity to gloat. Before he could open his mouth though, Fowl fell to the floor. Everyone looked on in surprise as Snape moved forward, presumably to help Fowl up. Suddenly, without any warning, Fowl screeched, raising his head and continued to screech in pure, undiluted agony. Feathers burst out of his face to the complete amazement of everyone. Fur burst out of the skin below his face and everyone watched as huge wings unfolded themselves from his shoulder blades. His entire face lengthened and narrowed, resembling a muzzle, if it hadn’t been for the cruel hook beak jutting out from below the shiny black nose.
Artemis stopped screeching only because a beak/muzzle was in the way, and it wouldn’t open, no matter how much he wanted it to. Fur erupted out of his skin. He could feel himself changing, although Professor Snape hadn’t mentioned how much pain came from changing one’s shape. He fell forward onto his hands, or what had been his hands. They resembled paws more closely than hands. And then he felt the presence of another mind, of instinct in it’s most basic form. He yelled as it rushed over him, wearing his own mind down, and then there was only the intelligence and instinct of what he had become. A predator of extreme power.
Everyone held their breath, as Fowl regained his usual stony composure. He slowly looked around through the eyes of his new shape. Harry very carefully leaned over to Hermione who had changed back, and, without taking his eyes off Fowl, muttered “what is it, do you know?” Hermione was looking decidedly worried, “I’ve read about it, but they’re supposed to be extinct. Forget that, they’re not supposed to exist"
“Hang on,” Ron butted in, “how can Fowl become something if it doesn’t exist?” Hermione shrugged helplessly,
“That‘s not the worst part” Harry never got a chance to ask her what she meant, because Fowl opened up the great wings by his side, reared up so his head was hitting the ceiling, and roared, showing off far too many teeth for anybody’s liking. “Fowl,” snapped Snape, “Stop that at once or I’ll will give you a detention!” The great beast dropped to the ground and looked at him. Then the words, WHY SHOULD I LISTENING TO YOU? presented themselves to Harry’s brain. His ears were swearing that they hadn’t heard anything. Harry looked around to see who else had experienced it.. By the looks of things, everybody had heard it. Just, not with their ears. Snape glared at the creature, “you will listen to me Fowl, or else!” The creature glared back. It was considerably more effective on an owl/wolf-like face. I AM NOT FOWL. I AM BLACK-FANG, LEADER OF THE MESITAR ACUMEN. MIGHTY ONES. PART OWL, PART WOLF. YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I HAVE ALREADY EATEN OR I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU LONG BEFORE THIS. The huge Mesitar arched it’s neck, showing off powerful muscles, before stalking towards the door. Snape pulled out his wand, “Stupefy!” he cried aiming for the creature’s back. The spell hit, right on target. Snape’s triumphant grin faded as the creature turned back, indignation alight in it’s fiery eyes. THAT WAS A VERY FOOLISH THING YOU JUST DID. MIGHTY ONES ARE RESISTANT TO MAGIC. MESITAR ACUMMMEEEENNNNNNN. [no words] Faster than Harry would have thought possible for something so big, the ‘mighty one’ rushed Professor Snape, yelling it‘s war cry. It probably would have done a lot of damage if Fowl’s associate, the big man called Butler hadn’t stepped between the two. Every was surprised at what happened. The Mesitar gave a slight yelp and tried to stop, opening the huge owl wings as windbreaks to slow it down. It managed it just before it hit Butler. Panting slightly, Black-Fang demanded that Butler get out of it’s way. GET OUT OF MY WAY! The giant manservant shook he’s head. Black-Fang screeched and made as if to strike Butler down with it’s claws. Butler didn’t even flinch as the claws stopped a bare centimetre from his eyes. Black-Fang turned his head from side to side, looking at him from one eye then the other. He extended his powerful right wing, and send it slashing through the air, aiming straight for Butler’s unprotected neck.
Randomly, another direct quote:
End of Chapter 3
I would really appreciate feed back on this stories. Thanks.
End of Chapter 4
Yes. Well then.
Edit: Because I am a masochist, here is some fanart I did for this story. Yes, I know my drawin' skillz sux0r.
Title: Artemis goes to Hogwarts
Author: Roxy
Punishment for the Mary Sue?
three neutrino shots to the head. i can't keep doing "x infinity" and i wuv arty too much to hurt him.
Name: Artemis Fowl II. Because of this story, I now think Arty's name is very Sue-ish indeed. Damn the author, damn her to Hell. *weeps*
Species: Human/Fairy. I ask you, WTF??!?!?!!!?!1!1
Hair: ... raven black, according to the books. Oh, my God, stop making Arty being a Sue sound plausible.
Eyes: A dark blue, again according to the books. Eoin, make it stop!
Markings/Clothing: Abnormally pale, according to - say it with me now - the books. Evil. You are the essence of eeeviiil.
Does the LEP stand a chance? NO. *cries and prays for death*
Origin: Not mentioned. But we all know he had an angsty past, so fuck it.
Connections To Canon: The real Artemis Fowl, who this Artemis kidnapped and is currently keeping in his closet.
Special Abilities: His intelligence and magic. He could only start using his magic after his fifteenth birthday, which - surprise! - is happening that very day in whatever the hell universe the author dreamed up. Isn't that lovely! :D*
*kill me.
Traits: Being outrageously OOC. "He had promised himself that for today, he would be a normal boy, or as normal as it was possible for him to be." This may come as a surprise, but ARTEMIS IS QUITE HAPPY NOT BEING A NORMAL BOY. HE DOES NOT LIKE NORMAL BOYS.* I BET HE WISHES THEY WOULD ALL DISAPPEAR FROM EXISTENCE WITH A SNAP OF HIS FINGERS, ALONG WITH ALL THE EVIL, EVIL FANGIRLS THAT PLAGUE HIM.
*except as sex objects. Stop looking at me like that.
Final Thoughts: Why are Foaly, Julius, and Holly constantly referred to as "the People?" Do they suddenly make up Haven's entire population? Were the rest kidnapped by Fake!Artemis too?
Fake!Artemis is an evil, evil bastard.
He is also, and I want you to get all of this, the following: A Muggle born, a Slytherin, hated by Snape for no fucking reason, but even more so than usual, "Artemis entertained a fantasy about what he would like to do to Malfoy, until he got back," and in possession of "Archimedes, [his own] Australian Powerful owl, ( ninox strenua)." Now, I want you all to listen very carefully to this next bit:
Artemis stopped screeching only because a beak/muzzle was in the way, and it wouldn’t open, no matter how much he wanted it to. Fur erupted out of his skin. He could feel himself changing, although Professor Snape hadn’t mentioned how much pain came from changing one’s shape. He fell forward onto his hands, or what had been his hands. They resembled paws more closely than hands. And then he felt the presence of another mind, of instinct in it’s most basic form. He yelled as it rushed over him, wearing his own mind down, and then there was only the intelligence and instinct of what he had become. A predator of extreme power.
What. The. Fuck. Artemis is not only his own fandom's Mary Sue, he's Harry Potter's as well. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I AM NOT FOWL. I AM BLACK-FANG, LEADER OF THE MESITAR ACUMEN. MIGHTY ONES. PART OWL, PART WOLF. YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I HAVE ALREADY EATEN OR I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU LONG BEFORE THIS.
I... no words. No words. Click the cut below to view the scene in all its debatable splendor.
Sample:
Disclaimer; I do not own these character’s. Except Diana Hunting. They belong to Eoin Colfer or J.K. Rowling. I do not own the setting. That belongs to J.K. Rowling. I do however own the mythical creature, Mesitar Acumen mentioned in this chapter and perhaps other chapters. If anyone wishes to know why it is called that, they are welcome to email me. I also own the plot. Thank you to every one who has reviewed me. This chapter is set a month after Mulch and Artemis break into the mining store.
A quick summary; Artemis has just taken Malfoy for a quick flying lesson. This has practically guaranteed Draco as a enemy for Artemis because he hates to be shown up. Mulch has successfully stolen over 7.8 million dollars of precious jewels and stones with Artemis’s help. The police are now looking for them, but have no idea who’s behind it, or even where to find them. He has sent a few choice tit-bits over with Archimedes, Artemis’s Australian Powerful owl, ( ninox strenua) to Hogwarts to help keep Artemis‘s moral up. Enough with the summary, on with the chapter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Artemis drummed his finger’s in a bored manner. He was good at Potions. There was no doubt about it. After all, it was just a slightly more complicated form of chemistry when you got down to the basics. It was more than possible that had it not been for the teacher being out to get him, it would have been his favourite class. Snape choose that minute to enter the classroom, carrying what looked like advanced materials for their spells. He smiled coldly at the group, all of whom were looking decidedly uncomfortable. “I’ve decided that most of you are sufficiently advanced to attempt one of the complicated spells to change a person’s shape. It works on the same basis as an Animagi spell. Therefore, whatever you become when you drink this potion, you will also become should you learn how to master the spell. Needless to say, this spell will not work if you do it incorrectly or if you are not a human. Since we are all human, the only thing most of you will need to worry about if getting it wrong. This potion will be worth a quarter of all your marks and you will be trying it out on yourselves, so I strongly suggest that you get it right" More than one disbelieving look was passed around the classroom. Snape couldn’t be serious could he? It was soon obvious that he was deadly serious as he handed out the required items, waved his wand lazily at the board and writing appeared. Artemis glowered at Snape. He knew perfectly well that this was a lesson for being of fairy blood. He would have to do his best, and plot a way to get back at this imbecile who would humiliate him in front of inferiors. He deftly measured out the required items and placed them in his cauldron. There would probably not be any more to this part of the story, if Malfoy, deciding to show Fowl up in front of everybody, had not dumped a very small quantity of powered unicorns hair in Fowl’s cauldron. Satisfied that it wasn’t enough to kill him (he‘s not that mean), just to stop him from changing, he worked on his own potion. Ten minutes later, Snape told everyone to drink their potions and they would see the results. Artemis glanced at his potion. He knew it wouldn’t work. Was there even a point of drinking it? Yes. He couldn’t show he was different in front of everybody else. Shuddering slightly at the thought of blowing his cover, Artemis drank the potion down. It tasted different to what he would have expected. But then, who knew what to expect? Malfoy managed to control his glee. There was no way Fowl was changing shape. He gladly drank his own potion down.
Snape smiled thinly at every one. “It appears that only a few paid attention to what I was saying. Miss Granger, and Mr Malfoy. Take 10 points for Slytherin, Malfoy” Nobody bothered to point out that this wasn’t fair. They knew it would only result in points being removed from their house. Snape turned to Fowl, delighted to have an opportunity to gloat. Before he could open his mouth though, Fowl fell to the floor. Everyone looked on in surprise as Snape moved forward, presumably to help Fowl up. Suddenly, without any warning, Fowl screeched, raising his head and continued to screech in pure, undiluted agony. Feathers burst out of his face to the complete amazement of everyone. Fur burst out of the skin below his face and everyone watched as huge wings unfolded themselves from his shoulder blades. His entire face lengthened and narrowed, resembling a muzzle, if it hadn’t been for the cruel hook beak jutting out from below the shiny black nose.
Artemis stopped screeching only because a beak/muzzle was in the way, and it wouldn’t open, no matter how much he wanted it to. Fur erupted out of his skin. He could feel himself changing, although Professor Snape hadn’t mentioned how much pain came from changing one’s shape. He fell forward onto his hands, or what had been his hands. They resembled paws more closely than hands. And then he felt the presence of another mind, of instinct in it’s most basic form. He yelled as it rushed over him, wearing his own mind down, and then there was only the intelligence and instinct of what he had become. A predator of extreme power.
Everyone held their breath, as Fowl regained his usual stony composure. He slowly looked around through the eyes of his new shape. Harry very carefully leaned over to Hermione who had changed back, and, without taking his eyes off Fowl, muttered “what is it, do you know?” Hermione was looking decidedly worried, “I’ve read about it, but they’re supposed to be extinct. Forget that, they’re not supposed to exist"
“Hang on,” Ron butted in, “how can Fowl become something if it doesn’t exist?” Hermione shrugged helplessly,
“That‘s not the worst part” Harry never got a chance to ask her what she meant, because Fowl opened up the great wings by his side, reared up so his head was hitting the ceiling, and roared, showing off far too many teeth for anybody’s liking. “Fowl,” snapped Snape, “Stop that at once or I’ll will give you a detention!” The great beast dropped to the ground and looked at him. Then the words, WHY SHOULD I LISTENING TO YOU? presented themselves to Harry’s brain. His ears were swearing that they hadn’t heard anything. Harry looked around to see who else had experienced it.. By the looks of things, everybody had heard it. Just, not with their ears. Snape glared at the creature, “you will listen to me Fowl, or else!” The creature glared back. It was considerably more effective on an owl/wolf-like face. I AM NOT FOWL. I AM BLACK-FANG, LEADER OF THE MESITAR ACUMEN. MIGHTY ONES. PART OWL, PART WOLF. YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I HAVE ALREADY EATEN OR I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU LONG BEFORE THIS. The huge Mesitar arched it’s neck, showing off powerful muscles, before stalking towards the door. Snape pulled out his wand, “Stupefy!” he cried aiming for the creature’s back. The spell hit, right on target. Snape’s triumphant grin faded as the creature turned back, indignation alight in it’s fiery eyes. THAT WAS A VERY FOOLISH THING YOU JUST DID. MIGHTY ONES ARE RESISTANT TO MAGIC. MESITAR ACUMMMEEEENNNNNNN. [no words] Faster than Harry would have thought possible for something so big, the ‘mighty one’ rushed Professor Snape, yelling it‘s war cry. It probably would have done a lot of damage if Fowl’s associate, the big man called Butler hadn’t stepped between the two. Every was surprised at what happened. The Mesitar gave a slight yelp and tried to stop, opening the huge owl wings as windbreaks to slow it down. It managed it just before it hit Butler. Panting slightly, Black-Fang demanded that Butler get out of it’s way. GET OUT OF MY WAY! The giant manservant shook he’s head. Black-Fang screeched and made as if to strike Butler down with it’s claws. Butler didn’t even flinch as the claws stopped a bare centimetre from his eyes. Black-Fang turned his head from side to side, looking at him from one eye then the other. He extended his powerful right wing, and send it slashing through the air, aiming straight for Butler’s unprotected neck.
Randomly, another direct quote:
End of Chapter 3
I would really appreciate feed back on this stories. Thanks.
End of Chapter 4
Yes. Well then.
Edit: Because I am a masochist, here is some fanart I did for this story. Yes, I know my drawin' skillz sux0r.
