Caller: “I’m calling because I bought that mobile Internet thingy from you a couple of days ago.”

Me: “Oh, hi, sir? Are you the one doing the cross-country drive in the RV?”

Caller: “Yeah! You remember! I got the internet thingy because I still wanted to get my local channels from [Hometown].”

Me: “Yes, I remember I helped you download their app.”

Caller: “Yeah, but it ain’t working! I think you screwed up the Internet settings!”

Me: “Oh no! What’s the issue you’re having?”

Caller: “I wanted to watch [Game Show], and it usually starts at five, but it’s not on yet!”

I check the time, and it’s 5:15 PM.

Me: “Have you started your journey?”

Caller: “Yeah, a couple of days ago! I’m in [Other State].”

Me: “Oh! It’s 4:15 PM there right now, sir.”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “[State] is in another time zone. If [Game Show] is on at five at home, it will be on at six where you are.”

Caller: “But that messes with my timing. I want it on at five! Fix it!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that can’t be done. It’s a matter of time zones.”

Customer: “Well, I waive that time zone thing! Change it in the settings or something.”

Me: “I can’t, sir.”

Customer: “Then let me talk to your supervisor. I’m sure he can do something about it! All these modern technologies with all these extra features I didn’t ask for!”

Some friends are playing a quickfire name game. The category is firsts and seconds:

Me: “First president?”

Friend: “George Washington!”

Me: “Second president?”

Friend: “Oh… uhm… Alexander Hamilton?”

Me: “No. John Adams.”

Friend: “Ugh, who knows stuff like that?”

Me: “First man on the moon.” 

Friend: “Christopher Columbus!”

Me: “…” 

Friend: “What?” 

Me: “The moon.”

Friend: “Yeah?”

Me: “You think Christopher Columbus landed on the moon?”

Friend: “Yeah!”

Me: “No, it’s Neil Armstrong.”

Friend: “Whoever that is.”

Me: “I guess there’s no point in asking this, but… second man on the moon?”

Friend: *Blank look.*

Me: “Buzz Aldrin.”

Friend: “See, now I know you’re yanking my chain because that’s the spaceman from Toy Story!”

As all my other friends are laughing:

Me: “I don’t want to play anymore…”

I’m a visitor on Big Island in Hawaii. I swing by a convenience store and find myself giggling at a sign on prominent display at the checkout, containing some bullet points:

Sign:

• Hawaii is a state in the United States, so you’re still in America.
• Yes, we accept US Dollars, because this is still America.
• Thank you for saying our English is good, because… still America.
• If you’re not from the USA, this sign does not apply to you.

Me: “Funny sign.”

Cashier: “It’s not meant to be funny. It’s a vital PSA.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Cashier: “Jokes on me, I guess. Half of ’em can’t even read anyway…”

I work for a tour company a little north of Yellowknife in Canada’s Northwest Territories. Most of our tourists come in the winter for the northern lights and to have a wintery experience, but we have plenty of nature and beauty to see in the middle of summer, too!

Tourist: “If we wanted to visit [region], what time would we need to start heading back to Yellowknife to be in time for the fireworks?”

Me: “Fireworks?”

Tourist: “The Fourth of July fireworks, silly! That’s tonight, right?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am. This is Canada.”

Tourist: “Canada is in North America! America!”

Me: “July 4^th is a US holiday, ma’am. We don’t celebrate it in Canada. Also, good luck seeing fireworks when the sun sets close to midnight.”

Tourist: “Midnight?! What!”

Me: “Is it your first day here, ma’am?”

Tourist: “We… we got in yesterday.”

Me: “And you didn’t notice the sun setting very late?”

Tourist: “I thought they were, like… practise fireworks.”

I explained a bit more, and she finally seemed to understand how far north we were, and that Canada is not the USA. I also had to explain why there wasn’t snow on the ground when it was 25°C/77°F outside.

A customer once asked me where the peas in a bag of frozen peas were grown. I flipped over the bag and told her.

Me: “Brazil.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Me: “South America.”

Customer: “What… like… Louisiana?”

Me: “No, that’s South USA. South America, you know, like below Mexico.”

Customer: “Don’t be stupid. There’s nothing south of Mexico.”