I worked the IT helpdesk at my office complex. I had a ticket assigned to me where I had to phone the user and check if the problem was fixed. I called him to ask.

User: “Oh, I’m driving at the moment.”

Me: “Ha, I guess that means you can’t check your computer. Can I schedule a call with you for when you’re back in your office later?”

We scheduled it for that afternoon. After I ended the call, a bunch of managers jumped on my call notes.

Manager #1: “It’s unacceptable that the ticket is still active.”

Manager #2: “It looks bad for our metrics.”

Me: “He was driving!”

Manager #1: “Then you should have cancelled the ticket because the client was ‘refusing assistance’. This really doesn’t look good for your numbers.”

Me: “Is my job to fix people’s computers? Or is it to make the stats look good?”

Both managers had to think about that for a minute, which was worrying in itself.

I used to work in a trendy bakery in a rather pretentious area. During this time, being gluten-free and/or vegan was all the rage, and sharing your meals on social media was just about becoming popular. Because of this, we offered our signature cupcakes in both gluten-free and vegan options.

Customer: “Can I get the gluten-free cupcake with the vegan frosting?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, ma’am. One negates the other?

Customer: *Blank look.*

Sigh…

Me: “The vegan frosting isn’t gluten-free, and the gluten-free cupcake is not vegan. Combining both means you have neither.”

Customer: “Combine them anyway. If I eat them separately, I can still tell people I ate a gluten-free and vegan snack!”

I sigh and look at my manager, who nods and does it. After she leaves:

Me: “Do these people genuinely not understand how we can’t see right through their fake allergies and diets?”

Manager: “Wait until this afternoon. We’re gonna run out of the gluten-free cupcakes, and the customers asking for them will just go ahead and order a regular cupcake. Like why order the gluten-free one in the first place then?!”

I work in a store that sells a lot of non-precious gems. My manager is talking to an angry customer. The customer storms out in a huff, then the manager walks over to me, looking tired.

Manager: “Can you put a sign up next to the Tiger’s Eyes?”

He points to a bowl of chatoyant gemstones. Their brown to yellow stripes give them their name.

Me: “Saying what?”

Manager: “That these are not real tiger’s eyes and no actual tigers were blinded in the sourcing of these minerals…”

Me: “I’d ask if you’re joking, but I know you’re not.”

Manager: “Thanks.”

Me: “While I’m at it, shall I make a sign saying that the moonstone isn’t stone from the actual moon?”

Manager: “Yeah… at this rate it’s gonna be needed.”

Returning to my work floor, I got on an elevator along with several coworkers.

Me: “Third floor, please.”

The coworker next to me, standing closest to the buttons, proceeded to look waaaaay up to the ceiling. She stood on her tippy toes and tried to push the third-floor number that was on top of the elevator doors, showing what floor you were on. 

Everyone tried not to be rude, holding in their laughter. Well, they tried. 

After the second time she tried to reach for the number on top, another coworker of mine shook her head.

Other Coworker: “No, no, honey… bless your heart.”

[Other Coworker] proceeded to push the right button on the elevator.

Coworker: “Oh, you can push those buttons too?! I didn’t know!”

Me: “Yeah, those are much easier. Are you new here?”

Coworker: “No, I’ve been here a year. Why?”

Customer: “Is the nicotine gum meant to help you stop smoking, or start smoking?”

Me: “Stop. Definitely stop.”

Customer: “Awesome! That means I can go straight to cigarettes, and if I get addicted, I’ve got the gum to make me stop!”

Me: “Uh, well, if you don’t already smoke, then—”

Customer: “—Marlboro, please! I don’t know what one I like yet, so give me one of each!”