How has death touched your life, and what lasting impact has it had?

I've been lucky enough that no one who I was very intimate with has died. But the deaths that I have experienced all touched me with this singular feeling: a wish that I had reached out more while they were still here.

[Carol]
Other than relatives who I didn't have any real connection to (biological grandparents), my first loss from death was in March 2012, when Carol died. I knew Carol from the six months I lived at Serendipity, when we often attended the same family dinner. We hadn't been close then or been in touch after I left Serendipity, but Carol had made me feel included and cared about and as a proxy parental figure that meant a lot. I felt sad but grateful to have had the short time to know Carol.


[Laura]
My first lose of a close connection to death was someone I met through livejournal, Laura (musicandmisery). Laura died April 2, 2013, and I found out through facebook, which I was grateful for because there was no way for me to learn about it through livejournal and the idea of just never knowing is horrific. It was a shock to me because Laura was so young and we hadn't been in good contact for a year, so I didn't know what was going on (I think health problems?). Laura's sister friended me on facebook afterwards and we sort of vaguely interact here and there -- I think for both of us it's a kind of connection to Laura.

I had had Laura on my short list of people to meet, but I never had anyone to go with nor the guts to try and plan a trip to New York alone -- and even if I had managed that I wouldn't have had the money before it was too late. I still ache over that missed opportunity because Laura was really special to me. I can't explain why mostly because my memory is terrible, but it feels like we just felt the world in the same way. We both are the kind of person to cry at human kindness, even between two people we don't know and can't really relate to, and twice as much between other animals. And that's not something I have often had in common with people. I think if we had lived near each other we would have spent lots of time together.

We also have the same birthday, so every time our birthday comes around I think of Laura. And there was this mega-adorable little kid on MasterChef Jr season 5 who reminded me SO MUCH of Laura in smile and spirit that I cried. A quote from that kid: “You gotta stay focused, you gotta stay true to yourself and you gotta cook your heart out!”


[Vanessa]
Then in February 2016, there was Vanessa, someone I met in college who I felt admiration for and wanted to be friends with, but I never got up the courage to really express that, and then she died. I learned this when I went to her facebook with the goal of reaching out and saw the wall filled with "gone too soon" messages. I felt really overwhelmed with "why didn't I reach out sooner" then. Vanessa was also very young, in her early 20s still I think.


[Papaw]
Then March 27, 2017, Topaz' Papaw died. (his funeral was actually on the same date that Laura died) He had lived a full life and was in failing health so it wasn't a surprise but he was someone I felt a deep and intuitive connection with and I felt so sad that I had never tried to connect on more than a friendly-stranger level. Shortly after I met Topaz' family I hit the lowest point of my life so it took a while before I could even think about connecting with strangers, and after that I felt it wasn't allowed because I'm used to everyone being bloodist (saying that family isn't yours unless you are related by blood), and by the time I felt like I was allowed, he wasn't able to connect on a mental level due to Papaw's dementia. I feel like there was a sliver of time when I had a chance but I didn't realize it and I hate that I didn't realize it. I felt so grateful to at least be able to connect in our own unspoken way though.


[Memaw]
Then November 26th of 2017, Topaz' Memaw died. She was a fierce and accomplished person who fought for an equal rights amendment and wrote a book about her life. I admired her and wished I had had the chance to connect with her more. Her dementia progressed on a similar timespan to Papaw's but was more external and had a lot of emotive aspects to it, so it was harder to handle. But it was so sweet and she was so supportive of me and Topaz.

When I first met Memaw, Topaz told her that we were partners and she was openly and comfortably supportive -- she later forgot, but knew that we were best friends and expressed strong support for that as a valid kind of family, which meant just as much to me honestly. There isn't societal oppression of best friends, but all my life I have felt that my greatest loves were treated as unimportant because they weren't romantic nor blood-linked nor legality-linked, so I have deep personal feelings of being marginalized in that way. I felt like Memaw saw us in a very true way whether she remembered we were romantic or not. I wished I'd had the chance to get to know her before dementia put the possibility out of reach.


[Saleena]
On March 28th, 2018, Saleena died. They're someone I saw at least twice a month from summer 2009 to spring 2011. After that we drifted, but I always meant to pick up again. I had wondered about how Saleena was and how their life was going several times in the months before they died and I regret thinking "I'll have plenty of time." Saleena was near my age so I never expected her to die so soon.


At some point during the past decade two of my aunts died, but I saw them only a few times in my life and never really had a chance to connect with them. They never reached out and I didn't either. Last year or maybe the year before, my last biological grandparent died but I never had any connection with her either, so I did not care.

I'm not including deaths of other beings, but trees, cats, and fish have also left little scars on my heart, usually with the same wish that I had made more time for them. You'd think with this constant refrain I'd reach out to people all the time but I still procrastinate constantly.

Doing this prompt has made me realize that of all the deaths that impacted me, most of them occurred in the same calendar week - between March 27th and April 2nd. and two more happened right before that in the same season. I suddenly have more understanding of why late March through April has been hard for me the past few years... I also broke up with Kei-won-tia in 2015, had a hiatus in my most important relationship in 2016, and broke up with Evelyn in 2017 all in that same time period. I'm feeling a little more self-compassion about my lack of productivity in the past 2 months now.

Now that I am fat (by most assessments) I feel that people don't see my glamour, my unearthly ethereal magic, anymore. I realized this when watching The L Word again and seeing so many of my movements in Jenny -- the way ze puts hands on hips, or gestures, or tilts zir head, or moves zir eyes, or touches others, or responds to touch. I feel a strong resonance with that character for a lot of reasons, but I hadn't thought about the fact that a big part of that feeling is in the glamour that Jenny carries (at least in the second season). And I realized that most people see fat as the opposite of magic, and in the same way that some of my relatives can't see my grandmother's features reproduced SO CLEARLY in my cousin's face because of a different eye shape and skin color, fat is just such a dominating feature to the average person that they couldn't see similarities between me and Jenny even if we were exactly alike except for fat and hairstyle.

This hurts because my glamour (and I'm using this word in the fae sense not the fashion sense) is a vital part of me. I know that it has not decreased; if anything it is more than it used to be, yet people don't react to it. I used to feel people notice it, interact with me as though I wore it like a cloak. I could sense them enjoying it, or being mystified by it, or feeling drawn to it, or being scared of it. But then again, these were always fleeting feelings. Most of the time I did not feel that people sensed it at all. I think there was really just one short bit of time where I felt my magic was treated as a vital and omnipresent part of me on a regular basis, and that was the summer and early fall when I lived at Serendipity. I think it was because deliberately interacting with magic was important to everyone who was close to me at that time.

I don't really know. Even when I dress to my fullest self, in a way that I feel makes my magic very obvious, people notice my fat first and feel embarrassed for me, like I "don't know better" than to wear things that neither smush nor hide me. If I wore the same style of things as a thin person, people would understand that my choices are deliberate and they might think I am very weird but they wouldn't see me as clownish or failing to be something else. People see my body and either make me invisible or project their shame onto me.

Obviously all of this could be entirely wrong, as it is my perception of other people's perception of me. But the point is that I feel that my fat obscures my magic and grace for many people, and that makes it hard for me to connect with it.

( blatherings about happiness over LJing againCollapse ) I'd forgotten just how RICH it is to write here, and how wonderful I feel when I look at my journal and see my thoughts painted out and framed. It's been bugging me for a long time that I haven't been writing but I just haven't had the pull because most of my LJ inspirations have also been posting less (or moved to dreamwidth, which I could just never get into because I couldn't take my custom style with me and I'm so attached to it). Now I've been talking to Hannah, which sort of puts me in the right mindspace for writing, and I've gotten back in contact with Aurilion, who is writing (♥ ♥ ♥!!!) in the style I do, which makes me feel all kinds of fingersmacky.

( talk about stressCollapse )

( talk about body changesCollapse )

Also Serendipity has adopted Kanika, or perhaps the other way around. I went to visit this weekend and 'Nika had pretty clearly decided that Arizona is zir new person (though ze was excited to see me and went back and forth, so I've not been forgotten), and as they were willing to keep zir, it seemed right. I'll miss zir a lot but I know ze will be happier in one place and I'll probably keep being a tumbleweed so it would just stress us both out.

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010Collapse )

( Arizona and I go to Big Trees Forest Preserve (zir first time there)Collapse )




( photos from when Arizona and I took R to Pagan Pride and then dressed up for going out (we went to Colab because the club was too crowded)Collapse )

So much has happened recently, agh, I keep wanting to write and being either blocked or too busy. I'm blocked right now, thus this is rambling.

( friendly terms with ex-partner and ex-partner's exCollapse )

School is going decently and I'm not too freaked out about it anymore. My car desperately needs to get in the shop (ze's guzzling a quart of oil for every two gallons of gas :-<). Home is lovely... I haven't been spending as much time there but when I get to spend time with my people it makes me very happy. Last weekend Arizona and I took R (the oldest kid) to Pagan Pride festival and it reminded me so much of spending time with my lil sis when ze was younger <3 I love this family so much. G (the five year old) talks to me now of zir own volition (which means I'm officially Cool). And P is so full of questions about everything! Ze knows that being queer is pretty important to me and so ze brings it up with questions whenever ze can think of them ;-)

Speaking of which, I went to my first Pride the other day and was very disappointed. I think I might have felt differently if I'd gone on Saturday to the Trans March and the Dyke March, but I just went to the festival and saw only one booth that seemed even genderqueer-friendly. Arizona (the same person I started dating in May, going by a different name online) and I agreed that probably it's much more fun if you go with a bunch of queer friends, but it's not a place to discover community (which I was subconsciously hoping for). BUT. Two weeks ago Arizona and I went to a Feminist Outlawz Queer Pride dance party which was OMFGGGG amazing, art and feminism and queerness and genderfucking <3 And it reminded me that I need to make more of an effort to get down to Atlanta because the community I'm looking for does exist! That was a big deal for me because I went without having someone as my tie-in, you know, the person who is already connected to the community and acts as a bridge? and yet no one kicked me out, heh, and now I feel much more confident about joining in on things that before I felt I needed someone to bridge me in on.

My romantic relationships are all in pretty major flux at the moment... I don't have the time to write about them right now but I think that I'm weaving threads that are going to last a very, very long time in my life pattern.

I'm sorry I've been so absent from LJ lately -- my life's just so crazy busy! I've started school (this is my third week) which has been one problem after another with financial aid and scheduling and transcript fixing, but seems to almost be settled now. I really love the intro-to-sociology professor and science 1102 professors I got, as they both passionately care about their subjects and teach creatively. I'm terrified of my developmental psychology professor because ze has created a billion hoops to jump through just to pass, and seems more invested in molding professionals than in imparting knowledge. I like my philosophy professor but I find it hard to learn from zir teaching style -- ze's not very organized in the way ze lectures. It's interesting to be getting back into school, this time with actual studying skills and motivation to learn for itself and not for grades.

I've also been very caught up in my relationship with Kyle. ( It's really complex...Collapse )

And then there's Serendipity! I'm living with (and working for) Anita & Chip & Christa & Kim & their kids now, and that's been an adventure too. I moved in six weeks ago, I think? and I just unpacked "for real" this week. I'm not quite finished (the walls are naked and there are no fairy lights up) but my room looks mine now and I feel home. (I still feel the need to live with my little sister at some point but this feels like exactly the right place for me right now) Kanika seemed instantly comfortable with it (it has such a lovely energy) though ze has yet to get along with any of the other creatures. I've been going 3-4 times a week with Anita and Christa (and occasionally Kyle) to work on painting and fixing up their old house so they can rent it out, and I love that too. I enjoy projects that feel like genuine collective effort, and being able to contribute to the household is really important to me.

So much has been happening I don't really know how to even sketch it. frecklestars came to town for a conference and I got to spend a day with zir, which was really beautiful and amazing. We'd been friends for like three years online and I was sooo nervous about meeting zir but it was just easy and sweet and I adore zir so much! I feel sure that if Kay lived close ze'd become one of my lifesharers (need to write about that term and what it means to me). We're both very busy though, so I don't think it'd work very well to interweave our lives more right now, but after this visit I feel sure that we're going to become closer in the future. Ze also seemed to really enjoy everyone at Serendipity (and vice versa) and got along famously with Kyle (I see them as having a very strong soul connection) so I am hoping ze'll come visit again as soon as ze can ;-)

I wish I had more time to communicate online but I think my LJing is going to be sporadic for a while, dunno how long. If you need to pare down your list to people who communicate pretty regularly, I understand if you cut me and I won't be upset. I'll just unfriend back and then if/when I start posting more regularly I'll add you again and you can decide if you want to start up again at that point.

photopost! I'm getting my confidence back at last ♥





( 36 photos from many different daysCollapse )

I know I haven't written in ages upon ages -- there has been just SO MUCH happening I've not even had the time to check my email. And I JUST realized that it's been an entire MONTH. I thought it had been two weeks because my life has practically been on fast-forward. I've been sick for the past three weeks or so, I think mainly because of the pace of life. It seems to be settling some now and hopefully that means I'll recover.

So, I moved in at Serendipity on the 18th and I've started working in exchange for room and board (mainly helping to fix up their old house so it can be rented out). I'm nervous about it because having business arrangements with people I care about has mostly led to broken relationships. But I do have the one example of that NOT happening (the Wynnes) and this feels more like that than the others did, so I'm hopeful that this will turn out to be mutually beneficial and not slanted one way or the other. It helps that they have experience with this sort of arrangement.

I want to write about the incredible beauty of love and change but words are so damn pale and my heart spends itself all day long in the unspoken poetry of kissing and biting and caressing and hugging and eye contact, and yes words but they're not the kind that drip glitter and petals -- they're the kind that build glorious-but-sharp castles out of shared pain and joy, desire and wonder, fear and hope. They're salted with tears and spiced with blood. Everything is so complex and blended. I live in constant sharing -- what are you thinking? what are you feeling? with almost never a serious refusal/absence of answer (Arizona WILL answer "nothing" when ze wants to tease, which is pretty much whenever the answer involves desire :-p). I've yearned for that for so long, so long. Daily communication, especially the sharing of emotional reactions, is so important to me. You know how my yearly Hannah-visits were such a source of joy and growth for me? this is like that, only with more people and for a longer time (I'm soooo yearning to have Hannah and Nick come meet everyone, oh so much).

And I've not written about Kyle really at all yet!

We're about 6 weeks into this unexpected ebullient mutual orbit (we'd seen each other maybe three times and never had a real conversation before the spontaneous hang-out which ended in kisses and my heart flinging itself at zir and three days later love-confessions). Kyle is... incredible. Kyle has what I think of as a tumbleweed spirit* -- ze has wandering feet and a passionate love for chaos (whether fortuitous or no). Holding zir hand and walking is an invitation to adventure; I'm so thrilled to have found a wildchild who wants to share life with me (for my heart is a child that stumbles lonely for the arms of the wild). We are strays and if you feed us we'll keep coming back but close the door behind us and we panic. We've been smiled upon by the Deity I've yet to speak of here. I know that ze is one I can nestle under trestles with and one I can make the most ridiculous 'mistakes' with and one who also sees that beauty in the dark and the dirty and the broken. And ze's a bard, and I mean that in the truest and most sacred way. Ze wears zir violin nearly everywhere and offers gifts of living song to anyone who shows an openness to receive -- and sometimes just to Music, and every now and then to Love. And oh, I've never met anyone so clearly and constantly open, seemingly down to core. The amount of bravery in that absolutely breaks my heart (in that way that only the most intense beauty can). How ze came to practice openness/honesty so constantly without any encouragement I cannot even understand but I am so grateful.

[*edit note]
*edited after I learned that "gypsy" is a racial slur.

( more list form posting -- the 22nd through the 28thCollapse )

my life has gotten even MORE insannnne and at this point I'm going to have to start posting outlines in order to get anything down. This past timespan has been just... massive. And there is so much I haven't said!

( the 11th through the 21st in list form!Collapse )

( disjointed ramblingsCollapse )

Also I haven't really taken ANY photos in AGES. My confidence got shaken and now I'm afraid to take portraits and I haven't been out in nature lately. It's really bothering me. Which is part of the reason I miss Hannah, because Mx. Clickyclicky is quite shutter-happy and it's easy to make photo-taking normal for me when it's normal for someone around me. I think I need to set some sort of challenge for myself to get me back in the habit. Maybe "every day, take at least three photos of each person I see." Even in bad lighting. Yes. I'm going to get myself out of this funk. I don't promise to share any though -- we'll see if I can manage some improvement on the CRAP I've been producing lately.

I'm going to put this whole post under an LJ-cut so it looks all tiny when really it will be EONS LONG.

( Serendipity hosted a memorial weekend partyCollapse )

This weekend my car would not start and then the power went out at my apartment (it's still out) so Anita and Christa drove me to the interviews I had set up (!) and then I stayed at their place for three days.

I love interacting with the family -- words pale, really. Anita's family consists of three other adults (Chip, Christa, and Kim) and three children (R (age 12), P (age 11), and G (age 3)). They work together in this matter-of-fact way that I wish I could put into words. I'm sure they have their frustrations and resentments like any family but those things don't stop them from functioning together as a whole in a really beautiful way. And things I wouldn't normally enjoy (like cleaning) become meaningful and satisfying because they're part of the flow of the family working together.

Even though stuff keeps happening to get in the way of creating the life I want (like car fail and power out!), I'm starting to have more hope about it. I WILL find work and living space and I will become settled and self-sufficient. I am finding the tools I need and putting things in motion. And Ben and Nicole have been so amazingly generous as to offer to let me stay with them until I get my feet under me. I'm grateful and also very curious as to how that will feel... it's been a plan of mine to NOT live with a lover but life had other ideas I suppose ;-)

Last Thursday evening I invited myself over to Anita's and ended up staying until laaaate Friday night. (it all kinda blurs together now so this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness) I can't even express how wonderful it was to spend time with zir and zir family! They all have this very accepting and flexible attitude -- they don't feel like the kind of unit that defines itself by what it is not. Which is pretty rare, I think. I haven't felt so welcome by a family since I lived with the Wynnes. Being welcomed by a group of individuals is different -- it's like the difference between a bunch of hugs from different people and a group hug. And everyone is just so warm and kind and willing to connect, which is something I've NEVER experienced from a family before. And they share that sort of respect and understanding with their children that means the children follow direction without resentment -- WONDERFUL. (I'd started dreading being around children because without that, the children are either rotten tyrants that I wanna smack or cowering subjects whose parents I wanna smack) And last time I came over I was wearing my free hugs button and both P and R shared lots of hugs with me which was sooo sweet. I really really like everybody in the family.

At one point Chip did a tarot reading on me, sorta -- on how I'd affect the family. It was really interesting and spoke to me pretty clearly of how my life has lead me to this very point and even though everything is so freaking INSANE, it's on the right track. I didn't really understand how it pertained to the family (except for Anita) but I was impressed with the meaning that I took from it and I kinda want to get Chip to do another reading for me but I don't know if I actually want to know answers (that's always my quandary with divination). :-p

Christa took me to lunch on Friday and we talked about all sorts of things -- mainly about zir history and my plans (if they can be called that, heh) for the immediate future. It kinda amazes me just how at ease I am with zir. Usually I hate talking to people about what is essentially my failure to be independent (so far), but ze's just so completely nonjudgmental that I actually felt comfortable. We drove around and picked up the kids and then all went to dinner (somewhere with vegetarian options, just for me :-O).

and oh yeah, ( I spent time with Anita!Collapse )

Monday after borderpagans Chip and I had a really interesting conversation about ethereal connections -- ze doesn't sense them in a visual sort of way but in a kinesthetic way, which I'd never heard anyone describe before. I talked a little bit about the five parts of a person, as I see them, and ze spoke of chakras, and in the discussion that followed I had a clicking-into-place moment where I finally figured out a way to describe how I see the chakras interacting with the ethereal self. It's as if the five parts of a person are layered one over the other, and the chakras are bars that stretch through the ethereal and physical self and affect a person. And a person can connect through each chakra on every level -- body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit. Which expanded my understanding of ways one can connect! ♥