What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

Part 2: my soul parts. These are parts of my identity that relate to my purpose n the world and the way I interact with it.

My soul identites: consent advocate, communalist, social justice activist, polyamorous / relationship anarchist, creativity catalyst, Southern / ATLien, tree-hugger, vegetarian, nudist.

[consent advocate]

consent advocate

This is a big damn deal to me. Most people are really bad at consent because we live in a rape culture. I try to model good consent at every opportunity and I am very demanding of myself not to ever be careless with consent. Why making it safe & comfortable to say 'no' is as necessary as respecting 'no' I don't separate people into rapists and not-rapists, but rather into a spectrum of good at consent to bad at consent, with rapist as a separate category for people who knowingly make a choice to cross someone else's sexual boundary and people who sexually violate others due to not bothering to check what they want. People who do their best not to be a rapist can still be bad at consent! Everyone has to unlearn rape culture. how to be careful w sexual consent: discuss meaning, risk, safeword, triggers, roles, acts, sobriety, needs


[communalist]

communalist

This is what I call my radical anti-capitalist attitude toward money and other shareable resources. I share my resources; I give a portion of every paycheck to resist inequality and support oppressed people; I speak out against economic inequality; I consider the economic cost within my own relationships and events and do what I can to balance them.


[social justice activist]

social justice activist

I resist oppression and work to bring justice wherever I can. I call myself an activist rather than ally because to me, ally is passive: someone who will not attack you nor overtly support oppressors. I consider being an activist to be about taking action, first in self-educating, then in doing what you can where you are with what you have. More than anything else, social justice is about considering the meaning and impact of all my choices and trying to create the least harm and the most good.


[polyamorous/relationship anarchist]

polyamorous/relationship anarchist

I am polyamorous: for me this means being open to multiple simultaneous romantic relationships. More specifically I identify as a relationship anarchist because I will not make rules or commitments designed to protect the relationship at the cost of the individuals. My relationship anarchy: we each only do what we want / my intentions & desires in all connections


[creativity catalyst]

creativity catalyst

I feel that true creativity is sacred, that every human is capable of it (and many other animals are also), and that we need more of it in the world. I try to encourage this both indirectly through my example, (such as by painting on my car and customizing my companion objects) and directly by sharing my creative materials and methods, affirming when people are creative, and resisting when people are derogatory toward art based on its lack of technical skill or for other elitist bullshit reasons. I have catalyzed art in many people even if it was just once or twice, and I want to do it much more. I have needed art catalysts in my life and I want to be that thing that I need to exist in the world.


[Southern / ATLien]

Southern / ATLien

I love Atlanta deeply. A lot of people from other places have this idea that the South is all anti-queer anti-justice tradition-enforcers, but they are flat wrong, as you can tell if you look at any objective measurement. Atlanta, Georgia's capital, has the second highest percentage of self-identified lgbtqia people in the United States, at about 13%.

The best explanation I have ever heard was from a black queer southern woman who said "southerners are just like everyone else, only more so." Here, the bigots are loud, but so are the activists. I would say the majority of southern people I have known are not fence-sitters. You can pretty easily figure out if we are with you or against you, and I vastly prefer that to completely covert prejudice.

I also consider Atlanta and Georgia to be my responsibility in a "take care of your own house" kind of way. I will not abandon it to go somewhere that might be more friendly to me and people like me; I will stay here and make it better.

And I identify with Georgia specifically because of our trees. No other place I have been has had so many trees, and Atlanta's nickname is the City in a Forest. I treasure and worship trees and love that Georgia has so many.


[tree-hugger]

tree-hugger

I mean this literally and figuratively. Literally, I love trees more than almost anyone I know (I only come in second to a professional tree-lover: a botanist/naturalist who has catalogued hundreds of trees in Atlanta and Georgia). I read about them and practice identifying them for fun, I connect with them on a deep level and almost all my travel desires are about trees I want to meet. Figuratively, I try to create as little waste as possible by reducing the waste I create, reusing as much as possible, and recycling carefully.


[vegetarian]

vegetarian

I am a vegetarian because it takes much more resources to raise animals than to raise plants. It is also very very expensive to eat ethically raised or wild-caught animals and I just don't like meat enough to try and keep meat-processing microbes alive in my body, but neither do I want to contribute to harm caused to animals by buying from unethical sources. HOWEVER this is not about right/wrong, it is about reduction of harm. Why I am vegetarian but do not recommend it for everyone and why I won't ever go vegan.

I have learned the hard way how to supplement and if someone can't afford $50 a month in supplements as well as healthy proteins, they can't afford to be vegetarian. And being vegan can be bad for the planet in a lot of ways and is not a nutritionally sound choice for the vast majority of people, since you need either a lot of spare time and research skills or to hire a nutritionist to know how to supplement all the needed nutrients.


[nudist]

nudist

Simply put, I hate being forced to wear clothes and if I could get away with it I would be naked all the time except when it was cold or for occasional dress-up. I reject the idea that nudity is sexual; for me, it is simply the default human state.

I wrote this using a template shared by wildrose and really liked how it turned out! I did not do it about my biofamily, but about my chosen, local tribe.

"Where I’m From"

I am from (reusable) water bottles carried everywhere,
from Cool Beans coffee and Blue Ridge honey.
I am from sultry, sweaty, stretched-out summers where the heat falls on you like a weighted blanket.
I am from the sweet airy scent of silk trees,
the sticky sap of pines and the twilight flash of fireflies.

I am from winter solstice gathers awash in rainbow fairy lights
and well-accepted neurodiversity and bodily limitations
(as will grow among folk who are all depressed, anxious, and/or ADD/autism-spectrum, most with multiple chemical sensitivities and/or chronic pain/illness)
I'm from Georgia and Atlanta, from
food-for-sharing marked as vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, or dairy-free
(checked for high fructose corn syrup, MSG, artificial dyes, and annatto).

I am from Topaz and Kylei and Heather and Allison and Hannah.
I am from social overwhelm and rabbit-trailed conversations, from intense questions and frank observations.
From "how are you feeling?" and "what are you thinking?"
I am from self-built spiritualities, atheisms and theologies which do not match but somehow harmonize with each other.

From the kinfolks who refuse ask for help but have slowly learned to occasionally accept it when offered
and those who run away for fear of rejection
and those who create and customize and build relationships with their things.
I am from lost photos and fuzzy memories, from carefully kept scraps and trinkets, from wild hair and dirty feet.

[the template]
The “Where I’m From” Template
I am from (specific ordinary item)___________________________,
from (two product names)________________________ and________________________.
I am from the ____________________ (home description... adjective, adjective, sensory detail).
I am from the ____________________________(plant, flower, natural item),
the _______________________________________(plant, flower, natural detail).
I am from ______________________________(family tradition)
and ____________________________________(family trait),
from _________________(name of family member) and ______________ (another family name)
and ______________________(family name).
I am from the ____________________________ (description of family tendency) and _______________________ (another one).
From ______________________________ (something you were told as a child) and ______________________ (another).
I am from ___________________. (representation of religion, or lack of it). Further description.
I'm from ____________________________ (place of birth and family ancestry), from
___________________ and ____________________ (two food items representing your family).
From the ___________________ (specific family story about a specific person and detail),
the________________________(another detail about another family member).
I am from ______________.(location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth).

I went to a vigil at the Center for Civil and Human Rights for those slain in the Pulse massacre on Tuesday. I went because Topaz wanted to go, and didn't realize ahead of time but I was expecting it to be dissatisfying and maybe terrible, whitewashed normative cis gay stuff that was all fluff and no meaning. I have not had good experiences at any mass gathering and I expected this to be no different.

Instead, it was profoundly beautiful and very nourishing and actually gave me hope. It was held outdoors despite occasional rain, because there were more than 2,500 people there. It wasn't perfect of course but it had so few sour notes. I was overwhelmed with pride in my city over the fact that we were represented in our diversity -- and not as an afterthought, but truly throughout. The speakers were varied, with Latinx, Black, Muslim, Indigenous, Trans, Two-Spirit, & Jewish speakers as well as white Christian ones. There was Spanish translation over the same audio system (and one speaker spoke in Spanish followed by English translation) and there was ASL interpretation. One person from an Atlanta Muslim organization told us about reaching out to the LGBTQ community in Atlanta and being met with reciprocal concern (that people would use this as fuel for islamophobia) -- hearing that made me cry. And having Amina Abdul-Jalil, a Black, queer, Muslim woman, speak to us was a moment of profound hope for me because I felt such a kinship with her rareness and how she spoke of being rejected from each group for being part of another. "I know what it’s like to feel like you have to choose," she said, and my breath caught with such strong resonance. She also said that prayer was great, but "the work starts after the amen and after the ameen," and we all applauded.

I was also deeply moved and very grateful for the words of Two-Spirit Collective activist & Lambda legal organizer Holiday Simmons, who said "Remember, it was our Christian siblings who wiped out indigenous people in the U.S." It needed to be said, considering that people keep calling this the worst mass shooting in US history when in fact we've done far worse to Native peoples and to Black people. (Pulse Massacre Horrible. Not Largest Mass Shooting in US History. by Sam Diener) Simmons also said "We want to be mindful of using this word 'terrorist.' While in fact this was an act of terror, such words have become inflammatory in these times, and they only strengthen public Islamophobic sentiment."

Some articles with more info: Atlanta Vigil Held Tuesday To Honor Orlando Shooting Victims by Mary Claire Kelly (this one has some wonderful quotes from the speakers at the end). Atlanta 'We Are Orlando' Vigil Conveyed Message Of Inclusion by Lisa Hagen (this one has the quotes from Amina Abdul-Jalil). Atlantans say 'We are Orlando,' demand Pulse shooting not contribute to bigotry by Camille Pendley (this one has the quotes from Holiday Simmons).

I went with Topaz and Serenity, and we met up with Hope and Allison and two of Topaz' relatives. Allison gave me hugs and pets when I got so overwhelmed that I started crying. I felt so full of love and connection and hope at an event with literal thousands of people. I've never felt anything like that except at TBC, and I have never felt that on that scale. I am so grateful to the organizers, so grateful to the speakers, so grateful to Topaz for driving us and paying for parking, because otherwise I could not have gone.

I am behind on LJ, sorry loveys. I really want to make some memory notes -- I didn't talk with anyone about it so I wrote stuff down so I wouldn't forget.

Evelyn came over (quite an ordeal as they went through rush hour traffic) and we had what I am now 95% sure was a date (it's always hard to tell beforehand with non-monogamous people). It was really wonderful in a bunch of different ways.

We hung out in my room, lounging on my bed (which is a comfysack - a giant beanbag that allows for many sitting/laying positions) and talking. I asked about their recent breakup and they told me about it, and when I mentioned a similarity between that and my breakup with Kylei years ago, they asked a follow-up question even after we had rabbit-trailed into other topics. I felt like this showed a depth of engagement with my sharing that I rarely get and really love (I went back and read what I wrote about hanging out with them the first time and they did this then as well).

I had an interesting realization about coffee through some rabbit trail. I realized that as a child with undiagnosed ADD, coffee was the only medicine available to me, and it gave me relief from having to exert so much effort to keep control of my mind. I hadn't realized why I fell so much in love with it as a kid -- I knew it wasn't wanting to be 'grown up' because I never wanted to be an adult (I was given too much responsibility as a child and knew that it would only get worse as I got older). Coffee (or black tea) is a sacred ritual for me because it has this very long-term association with comfort and relief. I feel about the smell of coffee the way kids who felt loved by their parents might feel about their parents' perfume/cologne/laundry smell.

When they arrived and I thanked them for braving the traffic, they mentioned that it was important to them to come here. Later I asked why it was important, and that was a looooong winding trail with many offshoots, but the gist that I got was that I am a catalyst for a particular kind of growth for them and they want that. They mentioned how I am analytical and challenging, and compared time with me vs time with most people as brussels sprouts to candy. This hit a nerve, as people often end connection with me because I am too much work and they'd rather have fun. I struggled for a minute to find words because I really didn't want to start crying but I also really wanted to be open. I want to be desired not just for the outcome but for the process, and I want to be desired for my physical & emotional being as well as my mental being. I didn't really manage to find words, I think I explained about half of it.

We also talked about love languages and caretaking, about our insecurities (me with feeling like people will stop loving me if I stop giving to them). We talked about how we're both very analytical and self-examining but most people are not. I told them I really like how honest they are, how fully they answer my questions. They said they like how I am unpredictable, which I expressed confusion at, and as they explained I realized that I think of myself as predictable because I am, from a macro standpoint, but from a micro standpoint I am not. So, you can predict that if I am given a new piece of information, I will analyse it and use it as a lens in various ways to get new thoughts, but you can't really predict where those thoughts will go. Evelyn said that most people are predictable in where they end up more than in the process and I thought that was interesting.

Don't remember how we got on the subject, but Evelyn feels a sense of connection and responsibility to Atlanta also, which is hugely important to me. I plan to spend the majority of my life in/around Atlanta working to make it better for oppressed peoples, and the white queer flight that I see is upsetting because it feels like a betrayal. This is why part of my identity is being southern and an ATLien with no intention of leaving. My sense of civic responsibility is here. I will not be leaving to find an easier life for myself.

At one point Evelyn was talking about the difference between reading a description I wrote for a cuddly communion and listening to me explain those same things, and said that text is the ultimate Rorschach test, you project onto it your own thoughts for tone and such. I thought that was brilliantly true and said so.

Evelyn played and sang a song they wrote on the ukulele, one that was funny in that almost-painfully-true kind of way. They were so fuckin cute while playing and singing, omfg.

A few times, they referenced 'things they do at the beginning of relationships' which they were doing tonight. I've gotten better at reading these things, I'm 80% sure that was an expression of romantic interest. Still 20% unsure just because indirect communication is so not my skill set, so I have to leave a large margin of error.

We cuddled little bits through the first part, mostly me petting their (incredibly sexy) arms and playing with their hair. After the brussels-sprouts-vs-candy part of the conversation I snuggled up to them with my face in their chest and arms around them and belatedly realized that I hadn't asked first and asked if it was okay and they said yes. Later they mentioned that it felt very familiar to be cuddling with me, and I agreed, and said that that was why I didn't think to ask first before burrowing into them (I am usually cautious and ask before each new cuddle with a new person). I felt a really strong pull to be physically close, and really loved cuddling with them. I spooned them (their idea) and they snuggled into me and intertwined our legs, fitting close. I haven't ever felt such a desire to be physically close with someone other than Topaz, Kylei, or Hannah. When we were talking, I kept wanting to touch their face, especially when they smiled (they have amazing dimples).

I asked if they had any sensitive or triggery places/actions and explained mine, mentioning that my wrists are as much of an ask-first area as my genitals. They asked what I call my genitals, which lead me to explain how I experience myself as intersex. They listened intently and I felt understood talking about my experiences related to my non-physical parts.

They asked to kiss me (again, like they did at the burn) and I said yes and we kissed but it ended quicker than I would have liked. Of course I'm pretty sure all kisses end quicker than I would like as I love kissing so much. Later, just before they left I asked if I could kiss them and they gave an emphatic yes. Then I bumped my face into their glasses and asked if I could remove them and they took them off and tossed them on the couch which I thought was charmingly dramatic. I kissed them and really loved it but was distracted by not having discussed what kind of kisses they like and also not being able to sink into it because they were leaving. I told them that if I was a worse person I would try to convince them to stay longer. I really didn't want them to go!

I'm nervous about being excited because I got excited about them last year and then they disappeared from my life for eight months. I'm tired of investing in and then losing people. But my gut is saying that they aren't going to vanish soon, so I will just enjoy the connection for now.

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011Collapse )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010Collapse )

photopost! I'm getting my confidence back at last ♥





( 36 photos from many different daysCollapse )