2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011Collapse )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010Collapse )

I had a minor meltdown Saturday night from all the things I wrote about earlier that day. I'm feeling somewhat better now, partly because my repeating to myself, "it's okay to fail, it's okay for things to fall apart, you can always put them back together again" finally sank in, partly because the "scary" professor gave me good marks on my first paper despite my mistakes (and told me exactly what they were), and partly because yesterday ( I contradicted my sociology professor and ze didn't react negatively at allCollapse )

I also realized that part of the reason being around lots of people is bothering me is that I cannot communicate with them all. I've gotten used to at least having the option of discussing meaningful things with everyone I meet and thus mutually breaking down the initial stereotypes. Now I often sit in public areas at school where hundreds of people flow in and out and I cannot possibly talk to them all. I cannot correct their mistaken assumptions about me, nor can I correct my mistaken assumptions about them. It makes me want to wear my thoughts. I think this is part of the reason I used to paint t-shirts in high school -- I wanted a way of communicating SOMETHING true about me with everyone who saw me. And it's the reason I'm feeling increasing urgency about getting some of my tattoos, especially this one that Anita markered on me:

( photosCollapse )

and I have more to say on feeling alienated because of genderqueerness and excited about sharing feminism with a curious person but I have to get back to studying now.

It's been four weeks since I started classes again and it just hit me that this path I've committed to is not what I want for my life. I don't want a safe degree and a good job with a steady paycheck. I want to run away, I want to be free, I want to live on the edges and scrape by, I want to live out of my car, I want to have just enough to survive. At this point though, I feel like I've made a commitment and I have to see it through. But everything about it feels so WRONG. The ridiculous hoops one has to jump through to 'prove' that one has learned, the rating of progress by numbers. I loathe it. I just want to live. Why are there so many damn rules about how to do that?

And for whatever reason, it seems to have set off my -- I don't know what to call it, cisgender dysphoria? -- ( I feel completely alienated and disconnectedCollapse )

It does NOT HELP that people keep faking agreement with my genderfree philosophy and then saying "oh just kidding, I think you're a dumbass/liar/whore." (I'm not kidding or exaggerating) How can I have genuine conversations with people about gender when they either just don't understand what I'm saying or they understand it and don't care about it or they fake agreement to get something and then reveal it for a lie when the attempt fails? Why does no one care that people aren't allowed to be fully human?

I just want to live in a world where everyone is uncomfortable with prefabricated, limited identity and everyone shows their trueself and everyone refuses to rate other people and everyone calls out faking or non-thinking actions. Why is that so fucking impossible to find?

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009Collapse )

I've been listening to this podcast about an orgasm-based community and it's set me to thinking about how I experience pleasure. I've realized that when it comes to intense pleasure or joy of any kind, I cannot relax, cannot let the full measure of the experience in. I mentioned this last year after I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve and felt the heartbeat of the forest -- after the first rush of joy, I shut it off. And I do that every time I REALLY want to connect and have the chance to. Even if it's just connecting with my own spirit through orgasm; I can't seem to relax into it -- it's like I feel a short burst of it and then make it stop before it can radiate through my body or my being. I've experienced a relaxed orgasm once or twice and it's the difference between night and day, but relaxing into it seems terrifying; I've not been able to do it consciously yet. It's frustrating. And it's been bothering me lately that when I'm in Ben's presence, I know the connection is there and every bit as intense as before, but I can't feel it continually. It takes me so long to open up to it now, because it's increased in intensity to the point where I close off preemptively. Just eye contact with Ben is a more intense joy and connection than any I've ever felt, and it's MORE every time. At times of less intensity (like when we're sitting next to each other but talking to other people) I can be fully open to it, but if we're focused on each other I shut down right away (then slowly the connection opens me up again).

( Why would someone who chases joy and connection as I do shut it out when it gets really intense?Collapse )

This is a new realization for me because it's new for me to have the chance to experience connection at this intensity and this often. It's amazing (and amusing) to me to discover new ways to grow in areas where I thought I pretty much 'got it.'

I want to get into therapy again because I feel like I'm starting to climb a really steep hill. I can do it on my own, but the proper gear and rope would really help. Also, I think shutting down when faced with intense joy is just a symptom of a problem which affects me in other areas, and I want to get to the core of the matter. For now I'm just going to remind myself to be open and push past my fear as best I can, and maybe in the process convince my subconscious that I'm not going to be destroyed by too much joy. And I may try (solo) orgasmic meditation, consciously relaxing. I'm definitely going to be more aware of my openness (or lack thereof) and focus on consciously opening my heart.

Knight Of Wands -- Au Revoir Simone
Oh, joy, I can see you
Oh, joy, I can see you
it's all I want
it's all I want

seeing changes everything

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I miss:

-- the girl who glowed with such a sweetness that she made my fierceness feel like it had a purpose, protecting her.

-- the girl who listened to my every hurt and loved me unconditionally. Who hugged me even though she hated touching or being touched, because she knew I needed it. Who shared sacred parts of herself, and taught me so much in the process. Who taught me that God/dess is not a bundle of rules, but a person, a being made of love.

-- the girl who inspired me with her intensity, who celebrated her strangeness. Who filled my life with light just by being herself. Who intimidated me with her brilliance, and coaxed me out of my fear of self-expression by finding the brilliance in me. Who shared my excitement over my creations, no matter how undeveloped or unskilled. (night before last I dreamed that she came to me and said she wanted to be friends again ♥)

-- the family who taught me what family is, who accepted and loved me for who I was, right at that moment. Who encouraged me in selling my jewelry, believing in me and even offering help. Who understood that I had been taught lies and lovingly guided me out of my subconscious prejudice, without judging me.

-- the girl who showed me that I was not alone in the way I sense trees, who unintentionally validated something so important to me.

-- the group who let me see a created family, dissimilar people who banded together to create their own culture, rooted in love. Who accepted me as I am, and didn't make me feel like an outsider despite the lack of history I had with them (quite a feat!).

-- the girl who made me feel connected, loved in a way I had never been.

...Missing You by Jem...
I'll always be thankful for the time we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories just make me fall apart

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

AGH SO FRUSTRATED! I have been inexplicably depressed, off and on (heavy, when on), all day today! What the hell is wrong with me? Stoppit, brain! And I'm starting to get annoyed with my journal for being so freaking depressing all the time. I need to just break out of this!

In positive news: the meetup group now numbers 26 (*shock*), with at least 8 people coming to our first meeting, at 8pm on the 8th day of the 8th month. :D Some of the members seem quite enthusiastic! I was worried that no one would share my vision but several people seem to understand and agree (I'll know more when we actually meet). It's a diverse group, which is very cool. I'm so nervous! I ought to be good at this, because I'm a natural leader and I've had a good bit of practice with Curvygirls, but I'm quite intimidated. I'm afraid they'll either think I'm too sloppy or too structured :-{ *worries* Well, I'm going to "throw things out there and not be perfect and not have answers to anything and see if people understand."

I was driving around the other day and saw a woman driving behind me who looked SO MUCH like Allison. She had sunglasses on, so I couldn't tell for sure until she turned her head to the side -- it wasn't her. But it reminded me of how much I miss her... I wonder if she ever thinks of me.

Lately I've been so full of turmoil... my partner and I in such an intense changing place in our relationship, Hannah and I also in such a place (to the point of reevaluating our soulfriendship), Kazi, SabR, and Brian feeling unable to trust me because I haven't kept open communication with them (it's more complicated than that but I think that sums it up), haven't talked to Kate or 'Kenzy for probably two months, Kat's roadtripping so we've had very limited contact, Meliae is very busy...

I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no one to lean on, so I keep going on though I haven't the strength for it. I just want someone I can tell "I need you" and lay my head on their shoulder and let them carry me for a little while. More than that, I want someone who can hear my voice and know how I'm feeling, and offer me love. I want someone to be stronger than me sometimes. Almost always, when I start to lean on someone even for a moment, they crumple -- it makes me feel like an unbearable person, why is my weakness too much for others to handle? Why can't I be a sad, weak, scared person sometimes? The moment someone shows a hurt in themselves, I feel I have to swallow my hurt and be the strong one, the comforter, the healer. I'm strong but I need support too...

Several times lately my partner has been there for me... I can't explain what that means to me. He's never done that before, not like this. I don't even know how to process it, it is such an alien experience, and I'm so afraid that I'll be too much, that I hold back. I can't cry around people unless I've gone past the breaking point... I used to be able to. I'm afraid of all the hurt in me that I can't express because I have nobody to hold my pieces when I fall apart. I feel like I can't reach out for help any more because my weakness is too much.

And it is like a constant ache that my friends all live so far away. I need arms around me, I need eyes to look into mine so that I can see the love for myself rather than relying on my often-shaky faith. I took a step today and started a meetup group, very intimidating (what if no one joins?), but if there are any people like me nearby, I need to know them. It'd suck if I started it up and then had to move, though :-/ (my partner and I are thinking about moving for his job, and I might go back to college next spring if we move near a college I want to go to)

There are so many words in me. I talk to myself just to let them out... I feel un-LJ-ish because I have unresolved stuff with friends, but I'm trying to put some words here so that they aren't lost.

...The Wrong Girl by Missy Higgins...
And I'm lonely again tonight
I can feel it like a knot in my side
They keep saying this is part of the ride
But I'm not getting stronger