[my goals short list]
1. More LJ!
2. Host more gathers. 
3. Work on my journal-book! 
4. Make some fractals! 
5. Be amazing at work. 
6. Be in nature more. 
7. Maintain and develop my relationship with Topaz. 
8. Strengthen my local connections.
9. Strengthen my long-distance connections. 
10. Keep life records.
11. Make new friends. 
12. More physical exertion & stronger muscles. 
13. Be more active with art. 
14. Touch more people and connect intimately with people. 
15. Invest in my home and self-decorating.
16. Reach out first. 
17. Do activism. 
18. Witness more art and write about it. 


I edited them slightly because number 14 and 15 were very similar so I combined those and made a new number 15, because it is a goal I have been working towards which is also important to me.

January successes:

1. More LJ! I had my longest streak in at least a year, 11 days, and I posted an average of every other day. I'm really getting back in again! I was worried I would never manage it.

2. Host more gathers. It was only one gather which was only me and one other person, but still definitely progress! And I did a lot of work on my crafting stuff organization, which gets me closer to being able to host more.

3. Work on my journal-book! I have decided to include my life timeline on this one, which was the thing I worked on this month. I created the event pieces for 2006 and the first half of 2007, and I attached them to the pages. Describing them would be a LOT of typing so I don't think I will post them, at least not in detail. I may take an overview photo.

5. Be amazing at work. I had my performance evaluation and earned full marks, plus praise on my interpersonal skills (which honestly I would not have expected since I can be so clueless, but apparently my empathy shines through). I feel like I am really making great contributions and I think everyone on the team wants me here.

7. Maintain and develop my relationship with Topaz. We started going swimming together once a week, which has been a great time for us to play and talk and simply share space in a place that is relatively stress-free. We can put aside the other responsibilities because they are impossible to do at the same time and because we are being productive by exercising our bodies. The pool where we swim is heated (otherwise HAHA AS IF I would swim in winter!) and it has a "lazy river" with a current. One of our exercises/games is running through the water while the other person holds on to us and gets a ride. The extra current makes it way more fun, and it is still a workout to try to go faster than the current!

8. Strengthen my local connections. I hosted a hearts and crafts gather and attended one that Allison hosted, which together was spending time with Quinn, Allison, and Sande. I also had an 11-day streak of snapchatting daily with Kylei, which was a lovely way of connecting, and have been snapping pretty regularly with Quinn and Jackie.

9. Strengthen my long-distance connections. I have been snapchatting with chillychilly22, Sunny, and a little with Donovan (mostly me sending stuff). I have been reading my lj friends list more regularly and I'm starting to feel close with some new-ish friends, which is exciting!

10. Keep life records. I have been doing my daylio twice a day every day this month! and I also saved my dreams a number of times. mega fail on writing down my best/worst/weird but I will try again.

11. Make new friends. I added a bunch of new people on LJ and I think some of us will become real friends!

12. More physical exertion & stronger muscles. I achieved my activity goals 16 times! Very proud of that and I am starting to feel much stronger, and it takes longer for me to get worn out. I still sweat a ton but it takes more exertion before I start sweating. Most days my activity is a brisk 1.5 mile march while carrying about 20 pounds in my backpack. I may add ankle weights starting next week just to increase my lower leg muscles.

I've also been swimming once a week with Topaz -- we play the sleigh-pulling game I mentioned and also I generally just keep moving the whole time I am in the water, which is about 70-90 minutes. I like to do this thing where I spin around in the water without touching the bottom and without my head going in, which is both fun and challenging. I have already noticed significantly increased strength in my core from that! Afterwards I am ravenous but also feel good in every part of my body. I love that about swimming! It is the only exercise that easily uses my whole body, yet I never feel exhausted in a bad way after. I just feel relaxed and sleepy, like after a great massage.

13. Be more active with art. I have been posting photos and fractals on instagram, with image descriptions. It has been very rewarding!

15. Invest in my home and self-decorating. I've done a lot with this! I made my bathroom acceptably tidy and clean, and organized a good 75 percent of my craft stuff. I got some more baskets so I should be able to have it all looking very neat the next time I attack it. I had a lot of craft stuff at Topaz' which still needs sorting, but it should be easy now that everything has a potential home.

I've been keeping my room relatively tidy and I even FOLDED MY CLEAN CLOTHES and put them away. I made a hanging rack for my winter scarves because they are too heavy for my light-scarf rack. I re-organized my clothes so that it is easy to create outfits, and I have been self-decorating (putting together an intentional, creative outfit) every day since I did that (as opposed to just grabbing something work-appropriate). It makes me feel good to self-decorate and soon I plan to take photos of my outfits (on me) and share them.

16. Reach out first. I have been pretty great about this, but I need to set a limit because after a certain number of times of me reaching out and not getting a response, I feel unvalued.

17. Do activism. My activism this month was mainly writing about consent violations, vaccines and anti-autism attitudes, and my sexual identity, but another significant part was writing image descriptions on my instagram. I feel passionate about making visual art accessible to people who are blind or who have low vision, and I think that sharing my art in an accessible way is a good way to push the culture toward that. I also have instagram post to my work facebook, where all my biofamily and family-in-love are, and I hope to increase awareness of the need for a described internet this way.

Goals I missed in January:
4. Make fractals.
6. Be in nature more. 
14.  Touch more people and connect intimately with people. 
18. Witness & write about art.

I'm gonna try to do at least a little more of these this month. I'm reeeeeally hoping that my car doesn't cost too much to fix, so that I can buy Chaotica for rendering fractals without the program crashing.

It's been over 6 months since I last did this... I have dealt with a lot of loss, but some healing has happened in some relationships too.

[not friends with Heather or Cass any more]
I don't think I posted about Heather and Cass. Cass did something I find profoundly unethical and harmful and then refused to take responsibility or make change, and Heather supported Cass in that choice, so I'm not friends with either of them any more. If I can't trust someone to be ethical, I'm sure as hell not going to invest in them. I consider Cass an unsafe person and I don't say that lightly. I couldn't post about it because it was still in semi-active conflict until a few months ago, and I just haven't known how much to explain. But I'm just going to leave it at that, so this can stay public. If you are connected to them and feel you need more details let me know and I will figure out if there is more I can share privately.

I find the loss of Heather so huge and intense that it makes me a little nauseated to think of it and I have mostly been avoiding thinking about it. Heather has been a major force in my life for years and I had expected that she would always be. But for me, if you value maintaining your connection with someone over holding them to a standard of bare decency, that's a fundamental difference that I can't get over. If my most cherished person did what Cass did I would have told them "act better or get out of my life." I have broken up with people for far milder breaches of my core values (usually lying). I just don't value loyalty above ethics, ever, and I can't understand or empathize with that choice.


[reconnecting with Kylei]I made two plans with Kylei in September; the first time we went to Fernbank Forest (an old-growth forest in the middle of Atlanta) and just walked around and talked. Kylei expressed that they now appreciate that I was trying to warn them that they were getting lost / burnt out, and I was glad they said that because it made me feel trusted again and like they value my input. Near the end of our walk Topaz met up with us and then the 3 of us went to my favorite organic vegetarian-friendly restaurant. We laughed a lot and it felt so nourishing and healing after the painful, wrenching fall-out due to their breakdown at the end of 2016.

Soon after we made another plan; I went to their house and we just hung out and talked a lot and ate and cuddled. (Cuddles make connecting so much easier for me. When I can't cuddle someone I feel like I have to be "proper" in a way, like there is a barrier between us. I am really frustrated that that is true but it's not getting any less true.) It is a testament to my social overwhelm that I only realized from writing this that it has been three months since then and we have yet to make another plan. We've texted a little bit since then and while we may not be super close right now, I feel we have healed the rift and I am really happy about that. Kylei is coming to Solstice and I'm so glad.

[connection w Serenity is strained due to my need for alone time at home]
Serenity and I haven't really talked in months, mainly because I never want to talk when I am at home and both of us are rarely up for making plans to go out lately. I've also realized that I really need to live alone for at least a year, because the amount of social I have to give to work is still near my max capabilities after a year of adjustment. So I talked with them about it and they said they'd work on finding a new place for them and Lily.

I think if I am able to spend one stretch of at least 18 hours each week with no risk of human interaction, I will be much more capable of many things. I really want to have more active local connections but I always have to initiate, and I only have so much energy, so I need to increase that energy. Other than with Topaz I haven't planned one-on-one friend-time in the past 2.5 months. I was doing pretty good at twice a month until it started getting cold and dark.


[summer blips of social]
At some point this summer I met with Katie, which was delightful but bittersweet because I found out they were moving, and then before I even realized it they were already gone (in October). I was disappointed with myself for not reaching out again and missing the opportunity to see them again before they left. I feel such a strong connection to them but because they are not connected to anyone else I know (which would keep them in my peripheral vision, so to speak) I keep forgetting to reach out.

In August I did get to meet a new friend for coffee (the one I thought was gonna be my writing buddy earlier this year). As usual it was great for sparking new thought pathways but we haven't really talked since then. Unfortunately when it is extra lovely to spend time with someone, I am extra disheartened when they vanish, though I know logically I shouldn't be. And it is hard for me to believe someone enjoys my company if they never request it -- and then if I don't think they want to, I'm not going to try to change their mind.


[Anika and I are working together to stay active with writing]
I've been having a little more regular interaction with Anika via text since we started prompting each other at the beginning of October. I appreciate the creative push and the sense of shared reflection, and I like that I feel more connected to them and to LJ. I'm glad that they texted me when I did my "I'm drunk ask me questions" thing at the beginning of September. We talked out a good bit from the last friend break-up though I'm still hazy on a good bit too; ultimately it lead to such a lovely thing (for me at least, and I hope for them), being able to write again.


[Evelyn reached out then vanished again]
Evelyn reached out recently which was surprising. I was pleased for a minute but then they didn't reply to my response so I guess they're still not up for time together or anything like that. Ah well, at least I didn't get my hopes up this time and have to deal with a crash. Doing better about managing my expectations there.


With several friends I think there is a lot of emotional support they need that I feel kinda bad that I can't provide but at the same time, I don't have the emotional stamina to do more than two social things a month right now so it's probably best. I know me, I'd shoot for the moon and land in a pile of cactus, damage myself getting out, and then be useless for months. I've become much more protective of myself than I used to be and it is becoming easier to acknowledge and center my own needs in my life. I look back on the amount of emotional labor I used to do as a matter of course and it's like that was a different person because I so can't imagine doing that. It looks like torture.

[loss in my family-by-proxy]
My lover's grandmother went into the hospital 2 days before thanksgiving and died the Sunday after. I feel for Topaz and their family about the timing, because they all value that holiday, but I feel glad for Memaw about how wonderful her last day was. She got to go home, see all her friends and family, have ice cream, and get fussed over. I'm sorry that I wasn't there because I would have liked to say goodbye but at least I do feel sure that she knew I loved her.


[Topaz]
My relationship with Topaz is better than ever, same as last time I wrote about our relationship. I marvel over it often. We just passed our 5 year mark. I am so fucking lucky! I'm amazed that a single relationship can be simultaneously so comforting and so growthful. It's like getting into a ideal-temperature bath and relaxing and then getting out and realizing all of your muscles have been worked out. It's like taking a super-comfortable nap and waking up feeling like you had a 3-course meal of perfectly-prepared nutrition. The only drawback is that being with Topaz is addicting so it's easy for me to default to spending all my free time with them, which leaves no time for other friends and alone time. I have to be careful about it, but luckily they are very supportive of that. When I say I need time alone, they help me stick to my decision by actively encouraging me.


[time with Allison and Topaz]
I didn't have any one-on-one friend time in November but I did make a group plan with Allison and Topaz -- we went to the Fernbank forest which was gorgeous and amazing as always. I really adore Allison and I like the feel of hanging out with them and Topaz together a lot because the conversation is very lively and I can interrupt without anyone going silent, and I can talk unedited without any fear that if I mis-speak I won't be able to fix it. And I can just listen and not be bored because the conversation stays meaningful and creative. Earlier this year the three of us watched the eclipse together which was the perfect experience for that! I loved all the joy and wonder we shared.


[impressed by Sande]
In September I made a plan with Sande; we went out to an Ethiopian restaurant and ate and talked and it was a nourishing communion though I felt guilty that my brain was so fried I could only hang out for a little over an hour. Sande has accomplished so many major life changes in the past year that it is amazing and definitely impressive. I'm hoping we can spend more time together in the future.


[building connection with Quinn]
In October, SAD hit and I didn't manage anything until the very end of the month when I made a plan with Quinn; they brought a project up to my house and we crafted together. (I had invited Serenity and Sande as well but they couldn't go) I interact with Quinn probably more than anyone else except Topaz because we send our snapchats directly to each other and chat responses (mostly about cats). They've become a real bright spot in my life and I'm glad to be building a friendship with them.


I talked with Allison, Sande, and Quinn about doing a twice-monthly creative gather and we planned the first one already! I reached out to them because they are the locals that I feel like are most likely to really show up -- but even if it's just me and one other person some weeks, that will keep me motivated. I really hope this will help me to work on my long-term creative projects which always feel too big and I hope I can develop closer connections with them through this also. I'm going to start creating a book from my LJ. Every time I think about this I get a nervous-happy flutter in my chest, which I have never gotten for a creative project before. I've been super happy before, but never this fear-spark anticipatory.

My relationship with my body is decidedly better. I have been eating more often instead of fasting all day and having one uncomfortably large meal; I have been getting about 6 hours of sleep on work nights which is not ideal but is worlds better than the 4-5 hours I was getting; and I have been power-walking while wearing a heavy backpack 2 to 3 hours / 4 to 6 miles per week. I already feel much stronger and more myself, after just 2 weeks (I started 3 weeks ago but skipped a week during vacation). This weekend I got myself a mi band (a $30 version of the fitbit) and I'm excited about being able to track my activity and heart rate. I am so motivated by creating charts and graphs that it's ridic.

My relationship with my inner self is also much improved by the amount of writing I have been doing lately. I love riding the bus because it is far easier for me to concentrate on writing or reading LJ there than it is at home!

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

Part 3: my heart and spirit parts.

How I understand the world and express myself (heart): these are parts of me that form my lens for understanding myself and my tools for expressing myself.

[atheist / nontheist Quaker spiritualist]

atheist / nontheist Quaker spiritualist

I'll work backwards on this one: I am a spiritualist because I believe in finding meaning in things that are objectively meaningless. If I find a perfectly heart-shaped rock, I choose to assign the meaning that I am on the right path and the universe is affirming me. If I find a phallus-shaped mushroom, I choose to assign the meaning that a benificent magical being is jokingly reminding me of a dream I had once. If I want to make a change in my life I will write a spell and chant it because when I do that, I get what I asked for -- I don't care how it works and I'm not gonna disbelieve in my own experience. I don't care if these meanings only exist for me.

I'm a Quaker because I believe that everyone has the ability to find truth and create meaning. I value the same things that Quakers do, particularly equality and community. I love that Quakers literally will put their bodies on the line for equality, and are careful to consider it in their organizing: it's not just lip service. I love that Quakers believe in consensus decision-making and reject the practice of outsourcing their responsibility to a leader, whether religious or political. I feel very nourished by the Quaker practice of unprogrammed communal worship/meditation with optional sharing (if someone has a realization which may be helpful to others).

Technically I believe in what I call gods, but what I think many would not. I believe in ideas as forces of their own, which are created by shared thought. Sometimes these ideas can feel very person-like and some people can interact with them in beneficial or harmful ways; I call these deities. Deliberate worship is the most effective way to make one but it can be done accidentally, and most often is. I think the flying spaghetti monster has been made pretty real, which is hilarious. Other accidentally-created gods are every person depicted on money, many military leaders, everyone who has had multiple biographies written about them (including and especially hitler), the victoria's secret angel (who people worship by torturing their own bodies) and infinite others, some living only for a few weeks.

I choose to worship certain deities that I resonate with, and I have had strange and wondrous things happen as a result. I don't care if I am making it up and it is not true for anyone else: it is true for me and I like it, so I retain it. Deity worship is not a pillar of my belief system but it is a very soft warm rug that I sometimes lay on.

So if I believe in gods, by my definition, why am I an atheist? This one evolved very recently - as in, after I started writing this post. I was talking with a friend about why they don't consider me a theist, and why atheism is an important perspective, and that made me realize something new to me. Previously when discussing this I got stuck on the fact that I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in believing in gods, but while that is true it doesn't mean there is no harm done. An appeal to authority reinforces all appealing to authority, which I do not want to do. Since I think that I both believe and don't believe in gods, I have a choice to make identity-wise and I choose the anti-authority identity. I'm not yet sure if non-theist or atheist is more true of me, so I will keep both for now.


[energy-weaver]

energy-weaver

This relates to my spirituality: I sense idea-things in and on people that I can interact with if I choose to. Sometimes this is highly metaphysical; I might feel a string tied around someone's wrist or a shard in someone's energy center, when those don't exist in a visual reality. Sometimes it is more physical; I might feel static 'in' someone's head when they have a bad headache, or I might feel body parts that don't physically exist (one of my exes had dragon wings).

Weaving energy is when I do something like take the shard out of someone, or pet their wings. Some people can feel this when I do it, even when they have their eyes closed. People have told me that my energy weaving has eased their physical pain or soothed their emotional distress. One person thought I put a heated pad on them when it was just my hands. Another told me that I made a migraine go away at a point where medication usually would not work. An insomniac fell asleep as I worked on them. I haven't yet tried it on anyone who couldn't feel it, though it varies in effectiveness.


[color/light worshipper]

color/light worshipper

Light was my first word, and my first love. Color is an illusion created by the absorption of light, so I love it as an expression of light. I love light and color very much, and for me it ascends to worship because I make it a central aspect of how I design my space, clothe my body, and choose and customize my companion objects (like my water bottle and car). I also worship by creating art: light through photography and color through mixed media and digital art.

I also worship light through awed contemplation: I gaze at reflections and refractions of light, especially colored light. I love everything that glows in the dark. I love fairy lights and black lights and color-changey lights. I love everything that glows or shimmers, everything transparent and colorful. Glass connects to this because of the way it can hold light, cradle it, focus it, split it, direct it. I love all transparent glass and to a lesser extent translucent glass.


[photographer]

photographer

To me, a photographer is someone who documents life for the sake of memory and/or sharing truth or beauty. So people who take photos for money are not necessarily people that I would call photographers. I am not as much of a photographer now as I was years ago, but I am trying to be. I am more myself when I am a photographer.


[jewelry maker]

jewelry maker

I've been making beaded jewelry since I was about 8, and making complex, unique jewelry since I was introduced to nylon-coated flexible wire at 19 (15 years ago). I haven't done much of it in the past 3 years, but I am still very passionate about it and I generally don't wear or gift jewelry that I didn't make. I've played a little with natural stone beads but glass is my medium of choice. I make necklaces designed with reflected symmetry, with shape as much of a player as color and texture. I make earrings of many types but my favorite involve making a wire shape from which strands or chains dangle: I call these "chandelier" style earrings.


[digital/fractal artist]

digital/fractal artist

I have been using photoshop since about 2004; I am extremely good at photo editing and am skilled at graphic design as well. I fell in love with fractals after discovering them on deviantart, and began making them myself in 2012. I identify as a fractal artist because I feel that I have a distinctive style to my fractals and I feel that I can express myself in fractals more than I can in any other medium. I identify as a digital artist because most of my photos are digital as well as my fractals and I do post-work that is also digital.


[coffee clergyperson]

coffee clergyperson

I used to call myself a coffee snob or coffee geek but clergyperson is definitely more accurate. I know a lot -- a LOT -- about coffee and I love it dearly. The preparation ritual adds to it for me, whether I make it myself or go to a temple and pay for service. I have worked at a number of coffee temples and I have my own shrines at home, at work, and at Topaz'.


Inherently me (spirit); these are aspects of me that I think would always exist -- aspects which come from the truest part of me, which have existed as long as I was cognizant and which have never changed, even though I might not have specifically identified with them in the past. Everything else about me comes from these parts.

[curious questioner]

curious questioner

I think the very most core trait of mine is curiosity -- even more than justice, even more than love. One of the few stories that my parents tell about me as a child is when someone was reading a book to me and I asked "what's that?" so many times that the person reading to me got impatient and just started telling me before I had a chance to ask again.

I question everything and everyone as much as I can. Anyone who knows me at all, if you asked "who (among those you know) is the questioner?" I would instantly come to mind. Being asked questions -- real, meaningful questions that only I can answer where the person is invested in the answer -- makes me feel more loved than almost anything else.


[growth-seeker]

growth-seeker

This is a key part of my identity because it informs everything I do. I seek to grow and learn in every way I can, at every opportunity. I made a decision to consciously develop into a continuously better self 19 years ago and I have maintained my success. I don't have any particular aim, as long as I can always look at last year's self and notice improvement.


[content creator]

content creator

It took me a while to realize that most people don't do this. All my in-person friends were crafty and all my internet friends were writers and mostly artists too, so when I randomly met someone who didn't create at all, I thought they were the oddity. I've since been exposed to more normates and I would guess that at least the majority of USians don't create anything at all.

But content creating is something so necessary to who I am and who I have always been, even since a child, that I don't feel capable of relating to someone who does not create anything. I mean, even creating memes and putting rhinestones on your phone case counts to me. Writing reviews about media counts, making meals from random ingredients counts. Creating solo I can relate to in a distant way but I relate best to people who create content that is intended for sharing, like LJ posts or artwork that they share online and/or in person.


[critical analyst]

critical analyst

I analyze everything, both personally and academically. I'm really talented and skilled at using data analysis programs, and I have an intuitive understanding of statistics and surveying. I make spreadsheets for fun. I really love analytics. I also believe in critiquing media and human behavior, and I do both pretty much constantly. I don't really have the ability to turn this off, and I find it baffling (and very unappealing) that others just absorb and experience without analyzing.


[writer]

writer

I am a writer because I am not whole when I don't write. Writing is something I do to understand myself, to keep from losing important parts of me into the dark tangles of my memory, and to help others understand me, as well as to teach and explain things. I have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn't like writing/reading or isn't comfortable with reading/writing, it will be almost impossible for us to maintain closeness because so much of me is lost if a person tries to separate me from my LJ. In any lifetime with this level of sentience, I feel sure I would want to use shared symbols to record things I think, feel, and learn.

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

Part 2: my soul parts. These are parts of my identity that relate to my purpose n the world and the way I interact with it.

My soul identites: consent advocate, communalist, social justice activist, polyamorous / relationship anarchist, creativity catalyst, Southern / ATLien, tree-hugger, vegetarian, nudist.

[consent advocate]

consent advocate

This is a big damn deal to me. Most people are really bad at consent because we live in a rape culture. I try to model good consent at every opportunity and I am very demanding of myself not to ever be careless with consent. Why making it safe & comfortable to say 'no' is as necessary as respecting 'no' I don't separate people into rapists and not-rapists, but rather into a spectrum of good at consent to bad at consent, with rapist as a separate category for people who knowingly make a choice to cross someone else's sexual boundary and people who sexually violate others due to not bothering to check what they want. People who do their best not to be a rapist can still be bad at consent! Everyone has to unlearn rape culture. how to be careful w sexual consent: discuss meaning, risk, safeword, triggers, roles, acts, sobriety, needs


[communalist]

communalist

This is what I call my radical anti-capitalist attitude toward money and other shareable resources. I share my resources; I give a portion of every paycheck to resist inequality and support oppressed people; I speak out against economic inequality; I consider the economic cost within my own relationships and events and do what I can to balance them.


[social justice activist]

social justice activist

I resist oppression and work to bring justice wherever I can. I call myself an activist rather than ally because to me, ally is passive: someone who will not attack you nor overtly support oppressors. I consider being an activist to be about taking action, first in self-educating, then in doing what you can where you are with what you have. More than anything else, social justice is about considering the meaning and impact of all my choices and trying to create the least harm and the most good.


[polyamorous/relationship anarchist]

polyamorous/relationship anarchist

I am polyamorous: for me this means being open to multiple simultaneous romantic relationships. More specifically I identify as a relationship anarchist because I will not make rules or commitments designed to protect the relationship at the cost of the individuals. My relationship anarchy: we each only do what we want / my intentions & desires in all connections


[creativity catalyst]

creativity catalyst

I feel that true creativity is sacred, that every human is capable of it (and many other animals are also), and that we need more of it in the world. I try to encourage this both indirectly through my example, (such as by painting on my car and customizing my companion objects) and directly by sharing my creative materials and methods, affirming when people are creative, and resisting when people are derogatory toward art based on its lack of technical skill or for other elitist bullshit reasons. I have catalyzed art in many people even if it was just once or twice, and I want to do it much more. I have needed art catalysts in my life and I want to be that thing that I need to exist in the world.


[Southern / ATLien]

Southern / ATLien

I love Atlanta deeply. A lot of people from other places have this idea that the South is all anti-queer anti-justice tradition-enforcers, but they are flat wrong, as you can tell if you look at any objective measurement. Atlanta, Georgia's capital, has the second highest percentage of self-identified lgbtqia people in the United States, at about 13%.

The best explanation I have ever heard was from a black queer southern woman who said "southerners are just like everyone else, only more so." Here, the bigots are loud, but so are the activists. I would say the majority of southern people I have known are not fence-sitters. You can pretty easily figure out if we are with you or against you, and I vastly prefer that to completely covert prejudice.

I also consider Atlanta and Georgia to be my responsibility in a "take care of your own house" kind of way. I will not abandon it to go somewhere that might be more friendly to me and people like me; I will stay here and make it better.

And I identify with Georgia specifically because of our trees. No other place I have been has had so many trees, and Atlanta's nickname is the City in a Forest. I treasure and worship trees and love that Georgia has so many.


[tree-hugger]

tree-hugger

I mean this literally and figuratively. Literally, I love trees more than almost anyone I know (I only come in second to a professional tree-lover: a botanist/naturalist who has catalogued hundreds of trees in Atlanta and Georgia). I read about them and practice identifying them for fun, I connect with them on a deep level and almost all my travel desires are about trees I want to meet. Figuratively, I try to create as little waste as possible by reducing the waste I create, reusing as much as possible, and recycling carefully.


[vegetarian]

vegetarian

I am a vegetarian because it takes much more resources to raise animals than to raise plants. It is also very very expensive to eat ethically raised or wild-caught animals and I just don't like meat enough to try and keep meat-processing microbes alive in my body, but neither do I want to contribute to harm caused to animals by buying from unethical sources. HOWEVER this is not about right/wrong, it is about reduction of harm. Why I am vegetarian but do not recommend it for everyone and why I won't ever go vegan.

I have learned the hard way how to supplement and if someone can't afford $50 a month in supplements as well as healthy proteins, they can't afford to be vegetarian. And being vegan can be bad for the planet in a lot of ways and is not a nutritionally sound choice for the vast majority of people, since you need either a lot of spare time and research skills or to hire a nutritionist to know how to supplement all the needed nutrients.


[nudist]

nudist

Simply put, I hate being forced to wear clothes and if I could get away with it I would be naked all the time except when it was cold or for occasional dress-up. I reject the idea that nudity is sexual; for me, it is simply the default human state.

If you run out of room, feel free to comment!

I made myself a new spiritual tool. (I'll try to get a good photo of it soon) It's a set of reflection beads (like prayer beads or meditation beads, but not from any religion). I made it with 80 beads: 11 spring-green translucent prehnite beads for my core values, 22 glow-in-the-dark light green & clear glass beads for my desires, 13 white moonshine beads for my gratitudes, 13 shimmery grey-violet glass beads for my people, 11 green kyanite beads for my deities, 8 kambaba jasper beads for my nature elements, and 2 large prehnite beads for the quality I am most trying to develop (to be reflected on at the beginning and at the end). I made a little booklet to go with it, where I wrote down little verses which I will read aloud and reflect on (and hopefully eventually memorize but I'm doubtful).

My core values are the thing that started all this off: justice, growth, creativity, connection, curiosity, openness, honesty, action, reverence, respect, thoroughness. (the details on my core values verses)

[desires, gratitudes, people, deities, nature]
I also came up with 22 desires, phrased as thank-yous. These are things like "thank you for tangible, memorable spiritual interactions."

Gratitudes I plan to do on the spot and varied each time, and they'll probably be things like "the sweet warmth of the sun." I will say a thing I feel grateful for and rest in that for a moment.

People will vary over time, but at any one point I will have a certain set of names, and do a little gratitude/well-wishes for each person. I made up a new set of paper coins which I will draw from them each time.

For deities, I looked up traditional honorifics and titles, used some of those and interpreted from some old ones to make new ones that were more suitable for me. I listed out a good number of their titles, thanked them for their attention, and requested their blessings and promptings in the ways that I felt they most care about. I included Bast, Nuit, Geb, Hapi, Renenutet, Ma'at, Taweret, Hathor, Shiva, Jesus, Aphrodite (in no particular order).

For nature, I wrote little four-line poems of praise for the 8 aspects of nature that I most connect with: fungi, trees, wood violets, witchgrass, moss, stones, fruits and vegetables, and vines (in no particular order).

Disclaimer: I'm gonna phrase things emphatically but I do not feel that this is the best route for everyone or that everyone should do this. Take what works for you, leave what doesn't.

The first step is to consider your emotional reactions in order to find your core values. A core value will infuriate you when someone else violates it, and cause you to feel great distress when you violate it. If you get angry when someone else fails to signal in a lane change, but you don't feel equally bad if you fail to signal, that is not a core value violation it's just an inconvenience. You can start with a list of things that infuriate or disgust you to see done, and then cross off anything that you wouldn't be deeply stricken with remorse if you did it. Include things you think are obvious, such as killing or torturing.

Once you have this list, go through and check for things that aren't values, but you have accepted as values because you were told over and over that there is a right and a wrong answer. You can tell these because violating these things usually causes no real harm - for instance, putting the toilet paper roll on where it rolls off the top rather than the bottom. These things that seem like values can also simply be leftovers from coercive education convincing you that it is wrong to mix up "your" and "you're" when in reality it's just not abiding by unnecessary dogma. However, you may simply have some problematic values. If you feel it is morally wrong to use grammar that violates the rules, then that could be one of your core values- it's just that your value shows you are an elitist. I would not recommend trying to strengthen such a value.

Next look for common themes. If your list includes shoving animals, grab-handling children, and hugging people without asking, there is a theme there of respecting bodily autonomy which is very important to you. Try to group your list into 8-13 themes, and then define these so that everything on your list is included. So, in this example, I would define the value for these three things as 'respect' meaning 'considering each being to be the only valid authority on how their body should be treated and requesting permission prior to any touch' and I could add to that definition if I saw other violations of respect on my list, such as pressuring people into activities or ignoring what they want. I might add "...and being careful not to infringe on their will."

The above part I did almost two years ago, and the below part I did a few months ago, then attached them in a booklet a few weeks ago. This has been a very long project!

Next, come up with a sentence or paragraph that describes the relationship you want with your value. Here's my template (if you want to use/modify my template for your own values that is fine with me; just don't copy my own specific values phrasing that I wrote on my cards).

In the name of [value], I contemplate [important things about that value]. I seek to [do an action that expresses this value] and [another action that expresses this value]. I question [aspect that contradicts this value] and check [something that helps me determine how close I am to my aim]. I seek [value], I create [value], I embody [value].

THAT was a really REALLY cool exercise for me. I feel like I gained a lot of clarity on my values by doing it. For instance, I realized that consumption is often the opposite of creativity for me, and to maintain my core value of creativity I need to be sure that I am not consuming too much of things that reduce my creativity (such as shows that don't make me think).

[photos and descriptions of the core value pages in my chant book]

[general image description: all of these photos show a long rectangle of handmade paper, white with bits of greenish brown stems scattered throughout. The papers have been perforated with a needle along the short left side and are attached as a booklet with thick waxed thread. At the top of each page in shimmery vivid violet ink is a set of symbols: magical lettering which I created for ceremonial use. The main section is in shimmery spring green ink, and then the last three phrases are in shimmery bright scarlet ink.]


In the name of justice, I contemplate all forms of oppression and hierarchy. I seek to uproot oppressive ideology and dismantle oppressive structures. I question my behaviors and check my assumptions. // I seek justice // I create justice // I embody justice.


In the name of growth, I contemplate my progress and seek to develop any mediocre skills and to cut out habits that prevent my becoming a more productive person. I question my habits and practice my skills. // I seek growth // I create growth // I embody growth.


In the name of creativity I contemplate my consumption and expression, and seek to create and share more than I consume. I question if what I consume will help me create, and I check for a balance. // I seek creativity // I create creativity // I embody creativity.


In the name of connection, I contemplate my place in the web of life, and seek to empathize with those near and far and to nourish my connections with all beings. I question my first impressions and follow my yearnings. // I seek connection // I create connection // I embody connection.


In the name of curiosity, I contemplate my recent sources of learning and seek to discover new knowledge and understanding. I question everything and check for new perspectives. // I seek curiosity // I create curiosity // I embody curiosity.


In the name of openness, I contemplate my sharing and seek to be vulnerable and offer sharing which will allow me to be known. I question my reticence and check for the edge of my comfort zone. // I seek openness // I create openness // I embody openness.


In the name of honesty, I contemplate deception and confusion, and seek ways to express and explain that honor truth. I question my hiding and check for clarity. // I seek honesty // I create honesty // I embody action in honesty.


In the name of action, I contemplate my risks and opportunities, and seek to take action in whatever ways I find. I question my stagnation and check for more chances. // I seek action // I create action // I embody action.


In the name of reverence, I contemplate the magnificent importance of all objects. I seek to honor objects in all my uses and to recognize their magic. I question my casual interactions and check my stewardship. // I seek reverence // I create reverence // I embody reverence.


In the name of respect, I contemplate consent and autonomy. I seek to avoid exerting unasked control over others and to avoid causing damage to others. I question my influence and check my effects. // I seek respect // I create respect // I embody respect.


In the name of thoroughness, I contemplate my recent projects and seek to do all I do to the best of my ability. I question my methods and check my work. I seek thoroughness, I create thoroughness, I embody thoroughness.


So then, after all this I recommend writing, printing, or recording them in a way you can keep with you. Try to read or listen to them daily with full attention, thinking about how they apply to your life right now.

A friend asked me what nourishes me in friendship, and after thinking on it, this is how friends can nourish me:

1. self-care/growth/awareness. This is far and away the most important, the thing that nourishes me most in spending time with someone (whether virtually or in-person). A person can be the best person in the world, but if they aren't good at self-care it will not nourish me to be around them. I think this is partly because I sense the care that they need and I have to practice a lot of self-discipline to be around them without trying to fill that hole (a vast improvement over my previous self, but still an intense and draining struggle for me), and that struggle gets exponentially harder the more I care about them. So the skill of self-care prevents me from feeling a constant drain (due to that internal struggle) in their presence.

But the other side of that, growth, is actively nourishing to me when it is shared with me. When someone has been, for instance, going to therapy regularly and learning new skills that they are applying in their relationships or their daily habits, I can feel that and it subconsciously nourishes me. (or if they have simply been taking a walk everyday because it helps them feel mentally clear and less anxious, or they've been reading more, etc) Further, if they describe it to me, it nourishes me more because I learn more about them as they learn about themselves, and I also learn about myself as they share. Sometimes this is because they share something that teaches me something new, sometimes it's just as simple as noting my reaction to a particular aspect of something and realizing something new about myself from that.

I often spark this on my own by asking questions that prompt self-reflection and growth, but that is usually a much much smaller nourishment because it requires energy to put in. If I ask a simple question and then the person makes explores it carefully and thoughtfully, that can be really nourishing, but that requires a certain mental habit of critical analysis and a level of practiced openness that most people don't have, so it is rare.

2. shared passion and enthusiasm. This is more complex than it seems at first glance, because it involves the other person not only understanding and caring about the same thing I care about, but expressing that emphatically and emotionally, 'hyper'ly even. And this could be anger, joy, excitement, shock, wonder, etc, any passionate emotion. Kylei has always nourished me in this way, because Kylei is very VERY good at being enthusiastic and loud about it. On the flip side, if I share something I feel passionate about with someone and they have a calm or flat reaction to it, I will feel drained by having shared with them and will wish I hadn't, because if I had instead written about it I would have had a better reaction just from myself re-reading it.

3. creating together. I find creating to be nourishing in itself, and when someone creates with me I feel extra nourished because I feel like they are investing in their self-care/growth as well as my self-care and growth. Conversely, if someone sets the intention with me to create, and then doesn't, I sometimes feel worse than I would have if I had just created alone.

4. spiritual working together. This can be incredibly nourishing but it requires number 1, 2, and 3 or it takes more energy than it gives.

5. asking me meaningful specific questions. This can be nourishing from anyone, but has far more impact if the question is one that I hadn't considered, and/or if it is about something that I am currently positively emotionally invested in. (being asked about things that I find stressful is draining, not nourishing, though someone who is really good at questioning can sometimes make an overall nourishing conversation out of it) Vague questions like "how are you?" are not at all nourishing because they take so much work for me to organize my thoughts and answer. (my ADD-PI means I hate vagueness in general, btw)

6. cuddles/focused touch. This can make me feel REALLY nourished BUT it is only good for me if the person is 1) good at self-care AND 2) is good at noting my reactions and adjusting for the comfort of both of us AND 3) is generous. I am very physically sensitive and it is easy to make me feel bad, and if I give a lot of cuddles without also getting them it rapidly gets more draining than nourishing. I like drinking and cuddling because I get numbed and then it is not distressing to the point of emotional suffering to have someone brush a sensitive place accidentally. Otherwise, I exclusively give (which I do really love when it doesn't happen too often) or do some specific and boundaried touch (like let them rub my feet or pet my hair).

7. gifts of effort. This can be things like driving to see me when you live far away, or doing a chore I hate doing. But if you don't ask if I want it and get a yes first (or ask if I have a blanket answer for that particular thing), it can be upsetting, because I want to be able to measure my gratitude against your effort. If it is going to take a lot out of you but only give me a little, then it is not worth it and if you do it I will just feel bad for your loss rather than feeling happy for my gain.

Things that have low to no nourishment value for me: activities which don't involve the previous things (so, going to the movies together would not nourish me unless we deconstructed it after or something), people expressing empathy/sympathy for my negative feelings (I want them to care, but I'm okay just trusting that they care unless I am in a desperate place and if I am there, I will specifically request support), being told nice things about myself, being listened to without feedback. These are all nice and certainly don't have a negative effect, but they are not things that have a large emotional impact on me.

I went to a gathering called "birds of a feather: artists and crafters" which was really great because it made me feel validated in my art/craftwork somehow, I think because people had such varied things that they referred to as their art or craft and I realized that oh yeah, I actually spend a lot of time and energy on art. I'm not sure if I've explained it before, but I host crafty parties at my house at least once a month, where I invite lots of people to come and use my materials (or bring their own if they prefer) and create. I come up with a theme to help get people's creative thoughts flowing, and sometimes lead "how tos" for projects I want to do if others want to do them too. This is a really important part of my life, because I feel very deeply that everyone is creative: some people just haven't found their medium yet. And if you aren't sure if you're going to make something you like, it can feel like a waste to buy materials for it: this way people get to try things out that they might otherwise not do. I started doing this because I find it much easier to motivate to do art with other people being creative around me, I find it easier to use materials if I know they are shared (if they're just mine I get fretful about 'wasting' them), and I wanted to encourage people to create. I continue doing it for all those reasons, but it has become vital to me because it has changed the way I look at life. I used to see a problem and think "oh it would be nice if there was an item to fix that" and now I create something instead. I used to look at an art project and think "oh that's cool" and now I actually try doing it myself. Crafty parties have given me the skill of changing my world. Before crafty parties I had painted a little bit, drawn a little bit, sculpted a little bit. Now I've made cupholders for my car, a plant stand, a mixed media art piece, a lamp (which is not finished yet but will be awesome), wall scrolls, suncatchers, art tins, tiny sculptures, a jacket for my coffeecup (which needs a redesign), tie-dyed clothes and a hat, paintings that I actually REALLY like, a wax drip painting, large wearable wings, woodburning, and I've started on a room divider made out of cd cases (that got stalled because I need a better glue) -- there's probably other stuff I'm forgetting, too. And others have made so many interesting things! So the "artists and crafters" talk made me realize how important that is to me and how positively it has changed my life.

Next was the opening ritual which I really liked. The person leading had us gather in a circle and hold hands (if we wanted: the relevant bit was the circle) and then say things that we had overcome in order to be there. It was pretty powerful and after thinking about it I said "fear that the magic would be gone" and the person next to me squeezed my hand, others murmured in agreement, and I felt understanding reach out to me. Then we were told to break up into small groups and tell people what we hope to get out of the conference, which made me realize I had no idea. The conference snuck up on me this year, and I didn't mentally prepare. I felt a bit adrift, but also completely open to whatever.

Lately I've been spending a lot of time alone, because I was trying to get out of the habit of spending 6 nights a week at Topaz' house so I took a week of staying home, and then the icestorm added more to that. And with enough time alone, I've gotten creative things done that had been lacking for YEARS.

I met up with Kylei for lunch yesterday and while we were talking about this ze said, "of course, you're an introvert!" and I said no, absolutely not. Being alone for a large chunk of time is not sustainable for me -- after that week alone I went out in a frenzy of social activity over the weekend. The key for me is to have uninterrupted alone time, where no one is making demands on me for any interaction. This is part of the reason I cannot stand to have people randomly call me (unless it's an emergency or I know they will be okay with me being like "can't talk now bye" *click* with no pleasantries), and I don't usually engage in random IMs -- though texting is okay, because it doesn't demand (most people don't expect an instant response). If I have a free moment, it's usually in my planned alone time, and I want to be writing or editing photos or resting my brain. I like social and alone pretty much equally, I just can't stand for them to mix into slush time. I think maybe it has to do with my ADD, I hate feeling torn between two intentions because it makes my brain freeze up where I cannot think or feel or be present. I have to place events into a box in order to be able to fully engage.

I really hate that introvert/extrovert binary, anyway. I feel like it justifies the fact that socializing is worse for some people. Social is more stress for some people (like me) because it comes with shit like sexism and racism and ableism and etcccccc. That's not an orientation, it's a billion effects of all kinds of things, and the primary issue is oppression! I'm sure that if we lived in an equal society, some people would still prefer majority alone time. I'm also sure that a giant chunk of people would suddenly love gathers so much more. People ask why if I want social, I don't go out to get it but want to bring people to my house instead. It's because I make my house a safe place. People know that if they say something problematic, they might get called on it (depending on my energy levels because that takes a LOT), and they will definitely be outside the norm, so they're a bit more careful. When I go out to a gather, even a gather of good-hearted spiritual or hippie people, it takes about 10 minutes before someone says something sexist or fatphobic or ableist (those are usually the first ones I hear because I'm white; but I have noticed that in a mostly white group if one or two people are of color, the racist remarks start happening, or if someone is read as trans the cissexist ones start happening). I go from feeling happy to feeling like someone stepped in front of me with their face 8 inches from mine and shouted "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE," then turned around laughing and happy and everyone continued like it didn't happen. They don't even know something bad happened, and I have to try and build my energy back up after it got so wretchedly shut down. And since I've not been there often enough to build any social capital, I don't feel like anyone will listen if I say "hey, bitch is a gendered slur, using it contributes to oppression" etc. So then what? instead I make my own spaces when I can, and if I have an abundance of energy or a designated driver, I go to other spaces (if I am drunk I can talk back to microaggressions).

[introduction]
Starting on January 30, 2012, I began leading what I call intimacy practice. I've now done it at least 30 times, I'd say, and given talks about building intimacy at Alchemy (the Georgia burn), TBC (a queer conference), and APW (a polyamory conference). I feel like I have a good enough understanding to summarize it so that it can be truly open-source.


[why *practicing* intimacy is needed]First I want to explain the point of an intimacy practice.

Most people don't create intimacy deliberately; instead it exists in their lives if they spend lots of time with someone (family, coworkers, high school friends, etc) or go through shared transformative experience like visiting another country together -- because this kind of intimacy is expensive in time or in money (or both), it's considered something you can't create on purpose. But if you want a relationship (friendship or romance or family/tribe) to have lasting intimacy, you have to both/all invest in it. It's not any more natural for intimacy to continue unfadingly on its own than it is for a pendulum to keep swinging just as hard without being pushed again. If it continues, it's because you are creating it.

So if you decide you want to have more intimacy in your life, how do you create it? It's simple, but not easy: find someone who also desires to create intimacy through honesty and openness, and practice together. General ways of practicing this are:


[11 ways of creating intimacy]

1) Uncomfortable conversations. Bringing up small upsets or discomforts immediately, discussing them without blame simply for the purpose of sharing. Not only does this prevent them from turning into huge resentments that hurt everyone, but it gives small amounts of conflict intimacy. Handling conflict with kindness can be every bit as intimate as the most intense sex.

2) Meaningful communication. Talking regularly (I prefer daily) about all the emotionally impactful things in your life: including and ESPECIALLY small impacts. If it's something good, it's pleasure-sharing intimacy like sex is. If it's something bad, it's conflict intimacy like an argument -- with no risks to your relationship. If it's neutral, it's not usually emotionally significant, but if it is, it provides history for greater understanding. Don't just share the ones that go with the image you like: share the ones that make you "look bad" or "sound bad" too. We all have evil bits and sharing them is an excellent way of working through them. also, see #1. Your relationships with people who mean a lot to you are full of emotionally significant experiences you can share, whether those experiences are past or present.

3) Shared emotionally significant experiences. This sounds simple but there are many ways to do it that don't often get considered. Going to significant places (like your childhood home, places you had "firsts" or places that make you feel a strong emotion) and/or sharing media that has deep meaning to you (like watching a movie you resonate with and explaining why, or reading each other's beloved books). Also, anything that brings you great pleasure or creates conflict within you will be intimate if shared: if you both really love roller coasters, that's emotionally significant. If you both really hate something (like prejudice or pollution), work against it together.

4) Creating together. This can be cooking or painting or gardening or whatever: it's intimate like making a baby, but with less mess and stress.

5) Asking prying questions (with consent). It makes it easier for the other person to share, and it helps you to think more carefully about what they say.

6) Silent prolonged eye contact or silent focused synchronised breathing. (not relevant to everyone due to neurological/breathing differences) This is hard for most people, but has a lot of potential for connection.

7) Focused, undistracted touch. I think this is part of the reason people like getting tattoos and getting their hair done: it's a completely focused touch. Casually holding someone's hand doesn't offer the same intimacy as holding someone's hand, gazing at it and stroking it. Massages and grooming each other also work. Sex can fit into this category, but often doesn't because desire is very distracting. I think that sensation play and BDSM play can offer this intimacy.

8) Sharing spiritual and/or altered-state experiences. I know this doesn't work for everyone, but if you DO have a belief in spiritual things and/or if you use mind-altering drugs (including alcohol, obv), sharing them is intimacy. Talking about experiences is intimate and sharing experiences is even more so. This sort of reiterates #2 and #3, but I think it's worth its own number because (for me at least) that is harder and more rewarding than most shared topics or actions. And you don't have to have the same beliefs for the talking to be intimate. If they're not far off from each other or you're quite creative you can make shared experiences as well.

9) Sex. IF you're sharing things that feel vulnerable or meaningful, and you're thinking about what you're doing; sex is not inherently intimate.

10) Silliness! laughter exercises and other playful things that you'd be embarrassed to do in front of most people are excellent for creating intimacy.

11) Expressing or meeting needs. When you express a need, you are sharing that you are vulnerable to this lack, and that vulnerability allows for intimacy to open up. A great way to do this is to ask if anyone has access needs that could be met by others in the space. Meeting a need can also be an intimacy.

With intimacy practice, we use several of these methods. Occasionally #1 or #6 or #7, always #2, #5, and #10.

How an intimacy practice runs:

We start out with silliness: this is because you don't have to think about it, and it's a very quick way in to feeling close and vulnerable. In person we use laughter exercises: we make up silly poses and with noises or fake laughs we start ourselves into real laughter. When we meet online we do things like make faces or take turns doing impressions of animals. After we've loosened up enough, we usually move to truth-or-truth (a very simple game I invented).

Truth-or-truth is a question game: the goal is to satisfy curiosity and to encourage people to share important truths about themselves. (You 'win' if your question makes everyone go "ooooh, good question" or if your answer makes everybody sit in reflection for a minute) The rules are simple: Either ask someone a question or pick a questioner and a questionee. Whoever answers then gets to do the same. If a question is ever too invasive (rarely happens) or too simple, the person being questioned can ask for another question. If you get picked as a questioner, you have to ask the question (it can't get passed twice). Bounce-backs are only allowed once (if Reva asks Cam a question, Cam can then ask Reva a question but after Reva answers, Reva has to pick someone else to ask next). I hope I explained that well enough, it's super simple if you watch it being played.

After truth-or-truth, we usually start heart circle. Each person takes a turn setting the guidelines for responses (usually people ask for others to raise their hand if they have a comment, or wait until the end), and then they share whatever is on their mind/heart lately. This part is timed, based on the number of people and amount of time we have left for the session. This is usually pretty intense; knowing that people are really listening helps you to share more than you otherwise would, I think, and knowing that no one is going to interrupt you and go off on their own stuff is also freeing. It's essential that this be a non-judgmental space -- I've been lucky with my people but I imagine that in a more average group, a facilitator would need to be prepared to interrupt if someone began responding judgmentally.

Then if we are in person, we usually have a spiral hug, which is where we hold hands in a line and one end of the line stays still while the others spiral around until they're in a clump of hug. We stay until someone says "break" -- usually the person in the center but sometimes someone else who got uncomfortable. Everyone who wants a turn in the center gets one. If we are not in person, we usually blow kisses and make hearts with our hands and say I love yous (we're an effusive group for the most part). Or we wrap our arms tightly around ourselves with hands on our shoulders and squeeze.

Please feel free to use anything or share anything from this post as long as
1) you do not profit from it or charge for it. Adding a paywall to this would be gross. Don't do it.
2) credit me for the original and provide a link ( tinyurl.com/intimacypractice ), and
3) if you change anything when you repost, clearly mark that part as your own edit, whether you add or take away.

Also please feel comment anything that you think would be a good intimacy practice exercise.

I've been creating a lot more art (making fractals and editing my photos), sharing it on flickr and deviantart and tumblr; it feels AMAZING to be sharing my creations again. I've also been making mix CDs for people which is a big damn deal because instead of starting a creative project, doing a few and then getting burnt out, I actually finished the first set and offered to add people to the list! The second set isn't done yet but I am motivated to do it still. And I've been sending out postcards to scold my homophobic ex-church and to show love to my friends. And I actually reached out to new people on LJ in an effort to build a home here again (hi people!). It's weird to have an active friends list all of a sudden, even weirder that it's all strangers. I think the last time I added new people had to have been at least two years ago. I hope at least some of these new connections turn into friendships because I know that is what will most help me to write. And while I am enjoying making visual art, I need to be writing. I need it because it is my memory, my sense of self.

I wish I had a better memory but if I didn't have livejournal and photos, I would remember so little of my life. It's like my memory is 2D and I have to see something flat for it to be saved in my mind -- I can't even remember people's faces unless I have seen a photo of them and then I only remember the photo. I find that pretty tragic because I love faces so much. And it's worse when someone is not okay with me taking photos -- I'll respect that but it means they don't exist as a visual in my mind. Photos taken by someone else will work, but they feel like borrowed memories, like a memory of seeing someone through a window while I stand outside.

Anyway, this creativity is so wonderful to me, I hold it like a kitten to my chest. It's such a relief because it has been so long since I had the energy to do this. There were five months last year -- including four in a row -- when I took NO PHOTOS AT ALL. More than a month where I take no photos is dangerous, because I have to be intensely depressed for that to happen. I look back and feel sad for myself, lost thing that I was. Also I think that I need to live alone for as long as possible, because it's so freeing to be able to just go spend a day alone if I need to, and no one questions it or gets hurt by it, that's just the default. I have so much more energy when it isn't being spent on daily managing of other people's feelings, and since I am currently not at all good at resisting the pull to do that, I need to avoid situations of temptation.

spirit: the part of things which is the ethereal blueprint for them, the perfect core. I believe plants, minerals, animals, humans, stars, places, bodies of water, and everything else each has a spirit. I believe that all beings can commune with other beings through this core-self. I believe all beings are part of a whole self -- we are just the limbs of a much larger creature. I see humans as also having soul and heart, and of course mind and body. I feel that some non-human beings also have souls, but I'm not sure what the pattern is there.

magic: the ability of individual consciousness to affect the pattern of the universe. I believe that thoughts and emotions are magical; words are the manifestation of these things and as such can draw even stronger patterns -- especially in Naming. I believe in the use of symbols in ritual; physical representations of thoughts and emotions provide a focus that strengthens the magic. I have used my thoughts, emotions, words, and ritual to affect the pattern of my life and seen amazing clusters of "coincidences" as a result.

critical analysis: accepting and/or dismissing nothing without careful examination for the assumed meaning and possible purpose. I believe every piece of knowledge must be reshaped in order to make it part of oneself; without this, one's mind is just a collection of other people's thoughts (it's the difference between building a structure from gifted materials, and just leaving the materials in a haphazard pile. The second is not very useful). I believe every person has something I can learn from them, and I believe in taking every opportunity to find those things.

mindful touch: touch that is full of awareness. I believe touch is sacred and find thoughtless touch to be upsetting most of the time; it feels like a desecration. I believe touch requires consent, always. I want to be touched by people who are aware of my desires, my reactions, my body, my boundaries. I do my best to touch people only in ways that please them (not just in ways that don't bother them); if in doubt, I will not touch.

asking: questioning instead of assuming or accepting or wondering. Asking for what I want; asking if I have interpreted correctly; asking why a pattern exists; asking myself how I can change a harmful pattern; asking to help others learn about themselves; increasing openness through invitations to share.

( bold emotion, creating/living art, colors, nudity, giving, self-love, coffee, & Georgia.Collapse )

( disjointed ramblingsCollapse )

Also I haven't really taken ANY photos in AGES. My confidence got shaken and now I'm afraid to take portraits and I haven't been out in nature lately. It's really bothering me. Which is part of the reason I miss Hannah, because Mx. Clickyclicky is quite shutter-happy and it's easy to make photo-taking normal for me when it's normal for someone around me. I think I need to set some sort of challenge for myself to get me back in the habit. Maybe "every day, take at least three photos of each person I see." Even in bad lighting. Yes. I'm going to get myself out of this funk. I don't promise to share any though -- we'll see if I can manage some improvement on the CRAP I've been producing lately.

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and SakkaCollapse )

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ...Collapse )
polyamorous: ( ...Collapse )
partnered: ( ...Collapse )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ...Collapse )
curvy body-positive: ( ...Collapse )
fiercely individualistic: ( ...Collapse )
feminist/equalist: ( ...Collapse )
nudist: ( ...Collapse )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ...Collapse )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

since Hannah's going to BE HERE in 13 hours (!!!) I'm going to post a bunch of recent stuff to clear the way for new stuff. I'm quite proud of some of these self-portraits.



( leafshadow portraitsCollapse )



( tree honorCollapse )



( 'The Kaylene' in Berries for roina_arwenCollapse )



( four from two days agoCollapse )

I'm sharing part of a series of nude self-portraits I took back in March. I'm very very pleased with how they came out.

( artistic nudityCollapse )

belated Happy Birthday to katielilie and Happy Birthday to thesaj!

curvygirls has a theme going this month called "Their Favorite Part." Basically, our friends tell us what their favorite part of us is and why, and we post their reasons along with photos. SO!

What is your favorite physical feature of mine and why? (face/hair excluded) if you need photos to decide, here's my gallery. :D

1. 2. ( more, plus names of speciesCollapse )

And for anyone who likes them, ( curvygirl icons! )