No Cats Were Harmed in the Posting of This Post

In Tuesday's blog post, I blogged about how my father in law died suddenly, in his sleep, on Christmas night, 1998. 

"B", my 50 something brother in law who has autism, blamed the family cat, Pepe Le Pew.

Pepe - who looked something like the cartoon cat many of us remember from our childhoods, if you are of a "certain age"- never really interacted with "B". Nor did "B" interact with Pepe, at least at anytime I ever remember seeing. My spouse doesn't remember any interactions, either.

In fact, while my spouse (who is several years older than "B") was growing up, he owned several cats.  "B" never showed any interest in those cats, either.  His mother and father did not keep other pets, so we'll never know if "B" would have made a dog his own, or a bird, or any other animal.

Is this usual for someone with autism?

The short answer is "there is an entire spectrum of differences between people with autism".  But one thing is for certain, in my experience:  the myth that a person with autism can not love, is just that - a myth.  (Something else to blog about, one day.)  They just find it difficult to show it in ways we without autism understand.

The longer answer is:  Some people with autism love animals and interact with them more easily than with people.

This could be for a number of reasons.  Animals do not judge our social behavior.  For a person with autism, the social behavior of other humans is a mystery, many times a painful mystery as he or she is rejected by others for reasons not easily understood.  The love of an animal is unconditional.

And, perhaps, the social behavior of a solitary cat or dog is something that a person with autism can pick up on.

The relationship between certain individuals and people with autism can be legendary, such as the famous professor of animal science who has autism, Temple Grandin.  Ms. Grandin, in fact, is an advocate for humane animal slaughter for those animals who are raised for food.  She even addresses the issue of humane animal slaughter in the context of two major world religions.

She writes extensively on animal welfare. 

And, those are not the writing of someone who does not care and can not love.

But, let us return to the situation, after my father in law died, where "B" blamed the family cat, Pepe.

We still don't know why "B" blamed Pepe.  I don't think we'll ever know. Perhaps this was his way of communicating something he saw that night.  An unusual behavior my spouse remembers from his childhood, watching "B" develop in a way unlike his other brother, was that "B" would blame his hand for misbehavior.  "The hand did it", he would insist.

Perhaps "B" saw Pepe trying to enter the bedroom the night my father in law died. (they probably had the door closed that night as we were there.)  Perhaps "B" (who loves to read about scientific topics) had read about folk beliefs that cats could smother young babies.  Perhaps he thought the cat had smothered his father. I can only speculate. 

It's important to note that whatever "B" was trying to communicate, he wasn't violent.  In fact, I have never, ever, seen "B" engage in violent behavior towards others.

He never tried to harm the cat.  And, I am touched by my readers who worried for the cat's fate. 

So, dear readers, let me assure you the cat in question lived to a ripe old age, unharmed (and probably unloved) by "B". Pepe died of natural causes when he was around 16 years old. In his older years, Pepe didn't stay at home much.  He took up with another neighborhood cat, and (with the owner's blessings) spent most of his indoor time with the other cat's owner.

I'm happy Pepe found happiness.  Sometimes, I wonder if "B" is happy with his present life.

And, one more thing to close this story.

My mother in law never replaced Pepe with another cat. To this day, they remain without a pet.

Rolling on the Floor Not Laughing

I've realized that I've started to take you, my faithful blog readers, on a journey through an experience called "autism" but I haven't talked about one of the most important thing we must remember as we start our journey.

Dear readers, it is all about support and safety.

I asked my spouse when he first realized that his younger brother, "B", was not developing the same way as his next younger brother.

He was about eight years old, and "B" was three.

"B" was not talking. He would throw tantrums. 

Not only that, but he never crawled.

Instead of crawling, "B" rolled on the floor. Everyone remarked about it, but no one seemed to know the significance.

 Now, this would be an indicator that something was wrong, but not back then.

When my mother in law was sure that something just wasn't right, she encountered pediatricians who had not been trained in developmental issues.  This was the early 1960's.  So she knew something was wrong but just didn't know what to do about it.

Why didn't "B" talk at three?  Well, according to his doctor, it was his mother's fault.  She had spoiled him, letting "B" depend on his two older brothers to communicate on his behalf. Did she know there were other mothers and fathers out there in the same situation?  I'm not sure.

There was no therapy the schools could offer. In fact, his right to a free, appropriate public education was not yet guaranteed by law.

Basically, my mother in law made up whatever she did in raising "B" as she went along, as did other mothers of children with what we know today as autism.

Now, the torch is being passed to us, the siblings and spouses.  And, in many ways, we struggle. I thank you for coming along and promise I will be sharing some good information with you during June.

My mother in law, although she didn't know it then, was not alone in her journey, just like we aren't alone in ours.  For a minute, I want to blog about the mother of perhaps the most famous person with autism today, Temple Grandin.  Her mother, Eustacia Cutler, now travels the world, lecturing on various aspects of autism.

This is what Eustacia Cutler has to say, quoting from her foundation website:

"A strong family is the linchpin that keeps a spectrum person from slipping off course. Family care for that person can be a lifetime task—in early years for parents, in later years for siblings. It stands to reason, therefore, that support for all family members in the early years, will build a strong family able to cope with whatever comes—a more humane and less costly solution than 70 years of institutional support.

As yet no autism organization has given full focus to the disorienting impact of autism on all members of the family.

While some families have the strength of an extended family or community support group, and enough money to buffer the non-stop task, most do not."

Families bend, if not break, under the strain.  There is, according to Ms Cutler, hidden domestic abuse.  There is a debate over whether families with a child who has autism divorce at a higher rate than other families. Life can be hard. 

I guess I am still brooding over the incident I blogged about yesterday, where a young blogger caring for her older sister (parents dead) wrote one post and felt she needed to take the blog down, after some less than appropriate comments.

I wanted to thank everyone who commented on my post yesterday.  I will thank you all individually, too. You, my readers, are awesome.

And in the meantime, those who have family members, the sibs the in laws, the caring friends, need to have safe places to vent, to celebrate, to inform.  There are such places.  I will blog about them later this month.   And yes, we do laugh. We do have good days and good times.  But, overall, it can be so hard.  Thank YOU for your support!

I will continue this journey through autism on Tuesday.