Oh guys. Things are so shitty right now, and it's so weird, because there are so many places in which they aren't shitty, and so I focus on that a lot. I've realized in the past few weeks, that the best way (for me) to deal with all of these things that are beyond my control is to find and hold on very tightly to my safe spaces. Besides my home, my classroom, right now, is one of my ultimate safe spaces.

Seriously. I really wish you guys could hang out in my classroom. We are at this amazingly comfortable place in our community relationship and we laugh so much. Part of it is that we really know each other now. Part of it is that I make silly, random mistakes and I share them, I laugh at myself. They get my humor in a way they didn't four months ago, and they're so damn excited about all of the things we're learning.

There was a moment today when I'd picked them up from Music class and we were walking back to our classroom. We were passing the office and a parent was leaving. One of my students noticed, paused, and gestured for them to go by. ♥ I walk at the end of the line so I can monitor and watch them, and I had this moment where I watched this line of glorious, amazing children walk down the hallway and, seriously, my heart. It swelled and beat and all they were doing was walking down the fucking hallway. But it was this little moment of realization that all of the sweat and angst and love and energy I poured into the classroom for the first seven weeks is coming back at me in waves of amazing beauty -- all the time now.

When I'm teaching a new math learning activity, I'm not thinking about my miscarriage or worrying that I'm not going to get pregnant again. When we're out at recess and running around, or huddling together and just laughing and shivering at how crazy the wind is, I'm only thinking about the children right in front of me (offering me pretend hot chocolate or tea -- well, and I'm offering them pretend chicken soup with rice in exchange) and not about some of the other tough things going on.

Teaching is exhausting, truly, but for all it takes out of me, it gives me so much back -- they give me so much back. I keep thinking: "well, yeah, things are pretty shitty right now, but I can get through fucking anything if I have these amazing children with me."

♥

So that's where I am right now. Not anywhere clear, but here. Breathing. And thankful. I hope you all are as well. *so much love*