Nobody in our school was out as gay. At least as far as I know. Early to mid 1970s. Small town. Esoteric town, to be sure. But not a place where it was particularly safe to be different from the what people were familiar with. I’m sure there had always been gay guys but there was no role for
out gay guy. Anyone opting for the role would have had to have created it from scratch. I can sure relate to that.
I have to go farther back. Valdosta Georgia, before our family relocated to Los Alamos. A bigger city, although no metropolis and also in the old south.
I had met Malcolm in seventh grade at Valdosta Junior High. We’d been in some youth church group which is where he knew me from. I don’t know, Methodist Summer Youth Program or equivalent. He did one of those “Hey, I recognize you” things, and although I’m slow to recognize people out of context, I thought I’d for sure seen him before, so when he explained, it fit.
Malcolm liked to talk to me, and early on seemed to find it amusing to try to shock me.
“Let me tell you about these people” was Malcolm’s general presentation.
“These people like feet”, he’d tell me. “Like they’re hot for it, you know? And they hang out around libraries...”
Malcolm, I think in retrospect, probably quickly reconfigured his estimate of my sophistication and experience. Way downward.
“Do you know Betty Johnson?”, he asked me. “She’s in our classroom for homeroom. Do you think she’s cute?”
I always had, since fourth grade. Betty had it.
“Well would you ever want to stick your hand up inside her skirt and feel around?”, he posed.
“Eww, I’ve known her for a long time, that’s creepy.”
Malcolm insisted, “She would. You don’t believe me? She would. She’d let you do that. Or somebody. But it could be you. She’d like it for the same reason you would.”
It’s not like I hadn’t read about it. That the girls have these same feelings for us like I did for them, interest in the shapes and textures and wanting to touch or perhaps to be touched like that... of course I hoped I was correctly connecting what I’d read about to what was personally true for me.
And yeah, I was a really näive twelve-year-old kid. Isolation does that to a person.
The way Malcolm was describing it back then... he was like a bridge person, honestly, echoing a lot of the things I’d overheard the
boy boys say about girls; and still at the same time he made more sense to me. Nobody’d ever asked me about whether I’d want to put my hands up inside some girls’ skirt or not. Not that directly. I mean, not without mockery and talking about it like it’s dirty, the way the boys talk. Definitely not Betty Johnson. Or... maybe Betty Johnson. It really changes how you think about it if you think maybe they want it to happen. Malcolm was saying the girls liked it. But deep inside, part of me still worried about being a pervert, a creep, wanting to touch girl parts. I mean, I started having those feelings when I was just barely out of kindergarten, so I started off very self-conscious about it. From the grownups, I’d learned, back then, about how babies are made, they explained all that. And I’d heard stories and seen movies about people falling in love. But nobody’d ever bothered telling me anything about having an appetite for someone else’s body.
Yeah...so, Malcolm. We hung out during recess at Valdosta Junior High. I really didn’t have many friends so someone who wanted to hang out with me and be company, that was nice.
One of the interesting kinds of people Malcolm told me about at some point were boys who got fantasies about other boys, and wanted to touch them. Wanted to do sex with them, he told me.
My seventh grade self looked back blankly. I held up my hands and banged my index fingers, left and right, into each other, tip to tip. I told Malcolm, “That’s not possible, it wouldn’t work!”
Malcolm shook his head. “One of them goes up the butt of the other one. Like being with a girl. It feels a lot the same”
I ewwed a face at him. Gut reaction.
“Well they also lick and suck. With mouth and tongue.” Malcolm looked back at me, confident and gentle. “I’d like to do that if you’d let me.”
“Ha”, I replied. “I’ll pass.”
So that was my first real-life first-hand experience of gay guys. Totally
not some creepy invasive thing where one guy has a lot of power over the other. Or some creepy salivating begging person who just seems pathetic to you. Or any other stereotype, really. We were both fascinated by difference. He had a lot of interesting tales to tell. I hadn’t thought about sexual variation as a plot device for a story, but yeah it was intrinsically fascinating. Got me thinking more about where the way I was might fit in to all that.
He hit on me. Yes, that happened. He didn’t act like I had no choice, or he was entitled, or fawn at me like oh please, I need this from you. He was okay with it not being something I wanted.
I mean, like, how much more respect does a homophobic hetero sissy guy like me need?
* * *
After eating lunch, I walk back toward the nurses’ station. I see Penelope is on shift. I nod to her and she comes to the counter.
“Hi! I... have a request, and I’d like you consider whether it’s appropriate,” I tell her, somewhat primly. “I want a chance to read my chart. I could either discuss it or not discuss it with the people who’ve, you know, written in it, I’m okay either way. But I want a chance to see myself through the eyes of the Elk Meadow staff, the way they talk to each other about me and from how the entries are written, how they feel about me and my progress and my goals and so on.”
She contemplates for a moment, and I watch her face below those red bangs. Then she tells me, “It’s not really appropriate. We’d have to censor or, you know, be careful how we said things if we had to take how you’d feel, thinking about you reading entries about yourself in your chart, having to take that into account whenever we were writing them. Honestly, I don’t think it would do you any harm, you personally. But if we let you, how would we defend not letting everyone else do it? And most people, you know they couldn’t deal with reading their own charts. Let’s get real.”
I nod, not in agreement so much as in acceptance of her logic.
But if patients don’t have the background for understanding the material the professionals put in their charts, they should be taught. It’s not right to take away patients’ involvement in their own care by not bothering to explain things. You don’t tell your heart patients they have “a heart problem” and will be taking “a red pill” every morning. You show them the x-ray, the lab tests, you tell them the explicit diagnosis and what it can mean if not treated and the prognosis if it is. You give them the name of the medicine, you show them the PDR entry for it, and all the possible side effects, and you discuss all this with them.
It isn’t done the same way in psychiatric settings in particular, because it’s about how we behave. They don’t expect us to have...what’s their term for it?
“insight into our illness”. And also, I think, because their diagnostic categories aren’t based on quantitative lab results. Their diagnostics don’t rise above opinions. Okay, pattern recognition, to be fair, I’m not saying they aren’t the opinions of educated professionals. But the profession starts with pathology assumptions when trying to make sense of the behavioral patterns they see among people who are in any way different. So the patient often ends up being “helped” by someone with the attitude “who you are is all wrong”.
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My first book, GenderQueer: A Story From a Different Closet, is published by Sunstone Press. It is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble in paperback, hardback, and ebook, and as ebook only from Apple, Kobo, and directly from Sunstone Press themselves.
My second book, That Guy in Our Women's Studies Class, has also now been published by Sunstone Press. It's a sequel to GenderQueer. It is available on Amazon and on Barnes & Noble in paperback and ebook, and as ebook only from Apple, Kobo, and directly from Sunstone Press themselves.
Links to published reviews and comments are listed on my
Home Page, for both published books.
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Index of all Blog Posts
Thursday ✎ Shivers & Shudders [DW]
Jul. 9th, 2026 08:42 amToday's theme is shivers and shudders. Let's run our beloved characters through the gamut of chills and thrills! Not everyone gets goosebumps, y'know, but we sure can try to give 'em some! Physically shaking and quivering isn't strictly necessary, of course, just a certain category of responses to stimuli. Is it fear? Excitement?
Spidey-sense?Anticipation? Arousal? The indoor A/C or the outdoor weather? Up to you.Feel free to add specifics to your prompts, like whether you'd prefer a gen fill over something shippy, or if you have a squick or trigger you hope to avoid. Original fiction, fanfiction, and fanfic crossovers are always welcome. ~_^
Just a few rules:
No more than five prompts in a row.
No more than three prompts in the same fandom.
Use the character's full names and the fandom's full name
No spoilers in prompts for a month after airing, or use the spoiler cut option found here. Unfortunately, DW doesn’t have a cut tag, so use your best judgment when it comes to spoilers.
If your fill contains spoilers, warn and leave plenty of space, or use the above-mentioned spoiler cut.
Prompts should be formatted as follows: [Use the character's full names and fandom's full name]
Fandom, Character +/ Character, Prompt
Some examples to get things started...
+ The Hobbit and/or The Lord of the Rings (book or movie 'verse), any +/ any, feeling the presence of the Ring (and not understanding what it is?)
+ Andor/Rogue One (Star Wars), Cassian Andor +/ Erskin Semaj (+ Mon Mothma + any), more than enough excitement for one day
+ author's choice, any +/ any, Character A can't stop shivering and Character B helps
We are on AO3! If you fill a prompt and post it to AO3, please add it to the Bite Sized Bits of Fic from 2026 collection. See further notes on this option here.
Not feeling any of today’s prompts? You can use LJ’s advanced search options to limit keyword results to only comments in this community. Fret not, DW members; we are working on a way to search through old entries for prompts for you! As of right now, the best way to search for a lonely prompt on DW is to search the community’s archive, which can be found [[HERE]].
While the use of LJ's advanced search and DW’s archive are options, bookmarking the links of prompts you like might work better for searching in the future.
As a friendly reminder about our schedule, Lonely Prompts and sharing completed fills are encouraged on Sundays, while new themes and prompts are posted on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Saturdays are a Free for All day. We'll share our posts on DW and LJ for everyone's convenience. Keep an eye out for notifications!
If you have a Dreamwidth account and would feel more comfortable participating there, please feel free to do so… and spread the word!
tag=shiversandshudders