ex_skratchg

40-ish........................................49

Adventurous.............................. Slept with everyone

Athletic......................................No tits

Average looking......................    Ugly

Beautiful....................................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile...................... Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure.................... On medication

Feminist.....................................Fat

Free spirit................................  Junkie

Friendship first.....................      Former slut

Fun............................................Annoying

New-Age................................... Body hair in the wrong

places

Old-fashioned......................     No BJs

Open-minded........................     Desperate

Outgoing.................................. Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate............................... Sloppy drunk

Professional...........................    Bitch

Voluptuous............................    Very Fat

Large frame.............................. Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate.................      Stalker

ex_skratchg

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Labrador Retriever Busts Owner On Pot Charge


GRAPEVINE, Texas -- J.D. the Labrador retriever meant well, but he's landed his owner in a mess of trouble.


Police say his owner was playing Frisbee golf with two friends at a suburban Dallas-Fort Worth course Monday when a police officer arrived.

The officer thought he smelled burning marijuana, so he asked the men for identification and began checking for outstanding warrants.

J.D., apparently sensing the party was over, waded into nearby Bear Creek, retrieved a plastic bag containing pot and brought it to the officer.

The black Lab's 25-year-old owner was charged with possessing drug paraphernalia. One of his companions was charged with marijuana possession. The third member of the party wasn't charged. J.D. was turned over to him.

blue_monkey

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"A Guide To Manipulating The Junior Staff Photographer Into Sex With Your Old, Sorry Ass"
from 101 Common Scenarios You Need To Be Prepared For!

Hey--I'm glad you came. Sit down. Don't take the mints--they're for the children. Alright, listen--I wanted to talk to you about these photographs. These. Right here. I know you took them.

Listen, Todd, I know you think you're an artist or whatever but seriously these are ridiculous. I mean I guess there's some hidden artsy meaning in black and white pictures of parapalegic grandmothers playing poker with midgets. Maybe I'm just not deep enough to get it. I don't know. But between you and me they're stupid. I just haven't got a nice thing to say about them. I really wish I did. I wish I could say I think your career is going somewhere and that you have some hidden talent that's just not palpable to the average citizen. I'd like to tell you that even though the meaning may be elusive, there's a quiet grace in the still silence of inaction that you seem to capture so well.

But I'd be bullshitting you. Seriously. I'd be lying through my botox.

As your friend and editor it's my job to cut straight through the donkyflop and tell you the truth. Sit back down--I'm not done yet!

I know things have been kind of shitty since Rita left. I know the worst part is that she left you to take up with a veterinary student who has the same passion for animal sex that she does. But you can't blame her. The bitch was just plum crazy! She likes dogs better than you. Stop crying! I don't mean to throw it all in your face but stop being such a pathetic whining jackass! It was two weeks ago, for God's sake!

Yeah, we're done. Listen, if you need someone to talk to I'm here. You have my phone number? Great. While we're on the subject, Todd, I wish you'd call me more often. I really kind of like you. I mean I guess you get lonely. And then there's the feeling of sickness everytime you think about Rita having sex witha basset hound or whatever.

Look, I'm going to do you a favor. How does a raise sound? Good. Lock the door.

waffle_party

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This picture make me wet myself with pleasure..... and by wet I don't mean in the good way.




oooooooo yeah

ex_skratchg

One Stone.

This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one
testicle.


After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will ki! ll them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning
Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and there
he
made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love
to
her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after many years away.

Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made
love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't
die!

What is the ! moral of the story?
( You'll love this!!!!) You can't kill two Birds with One Stone