My emotion journal homework is finally done! I will drop all ten pages of emotional craziness on here later, but put it on private to spare you all my crazy.
This week's homework is 10x harder, and also 10x more awesome, and finally, just annoying.
I have been tasked with performing a personal ritual to acknowledge my grief, but in doing it, J gets to take all his crap and leave so that I can worry about myself and not have my grief continue to be hijacked my his issues. That's the 10x harder part.
I did have an interesting moment with the therapist when I was trying to explain to her that I needed to have a sense of personal safety in order to participate in my rituals, and she was confused. I will admit that I have been jealous of the Christians for the past few weeks. It would have been lovely to just fall on my knees and drop my problems at the feet of my imaginary friend. However, Pagans do the work and deal with the consequences. I would think she would be happy about that, since she would be having to convince a Christian client to pick it all back up and  acknowledge they still have responsibility to themselves to process and learn. Anyway, I ordered a book of goddess poetry to give myself something to focus on during meditation, since I have too many flashbacks to concentrate anymore. I'm hoping that helps. I have a ritual that I wanted to use when we buried the baby, but I couldn't even speak. I am very tempted, tonight there is a 100% chance of rain, I would love to be able to be outside, reading the ritual and being washed by the storm.
The 10x more awesome part is that I am supposed to be on the hunt to find and do little things that make me happy. I think I may embrace a flair for the dramatic and use the window markers to write the happy things I find around the bathroom mirror so I can see myself surrounded by them. I won't call it a working, since the last working I did ended in catastrophe.
The annoying part is that she wants me to go to a support group. None of the groups I could find are in any convenient location, or at any time I can attend. So it seems as though I will be giving up and evening or a weekend and driving miles to experience other people who are just as fubar as I am.

In the hopes that it will be the episode where a ghost finally appears and slaps the shit out of those idiots. 

Will I shrug my shoulders because we are out of granola bars and grab one of Jason's fiber bars on my way out the door to spend hours with clients.
No one was harmed but me, but it was a lasting sort of trauma I will remember for a while. 

Rejected from the PhD program this afternoon. 
Time for plan B. Anyone got a plan B? 

Anyone notice LJ is promoting a gift of a heart wrapped in Japanese bondage on the front page? 
Or was that just me?

They are awesome, but sometimes annoying. 
That is all. 

 I am just not sure I am going to make it. 

Would I regret it if I just walked away from a PhD? 

Can my life, my body and my marriage handle another year of grad school and a year of internship?

What if I don't get an interview? It would hurt my feelings, but at the same time it would make some things easier to decide. 

What? Two posts on Twilight? 
Yes. But still far apart. 
What the fuck is this series about? I can't bring myself to inflict that sort of brain damage on myself when I have Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and Christopher Moore available to read, but seriously what the fuck is going on in those books? This is what I have garnered from passing statements that have begun to concern me. 
Vampires who sparkle (okay whatever)
Obsessive emotionally abusive relationships highlighted as romantic
Bestiality (Uh, these books are for teens) 
A vampire eating someone's uterus?

Seriously, what the fuck? 

A friend tells me the other day she wants to have the symbol for Bisexuality tattooed on herself. My first response? "Jesus don't do that, it is fugly!"
My second and more appropriate response had to do with getting through her phase of questioning and making sure she wasn't a lesbian before branding herself as Bi.

I've been rejected by two of my three grad schools. I knew before that I didn't plan for rejection, so I started to try to, and found some options. One is working for CPS while the state helps pay for my education. I'm just not sure that's an option for me. Another is changing my focus, choosing a school that doesn't offer my program and working with a distant advisor.
So I looked at some other programs I'd be open to, but applications aren't open until next year. My job isn't going to last that long unless I do something radical to change it, and honestly, I think I had my hopes so high to be home with the baby, I'm not sure I can even fathom it right now. That's an awful lot of pressure to be accepted by the last school, which happened to be the number one school on my list and the Human Sexuality mecca.
So now I get to figure out what kind of compromise I am willing to make with my dreams. That stinks.
Bubba had a small tumor early last year. I elected to have it operated on, and it was a terrible experience. They took a huge amount of skin from her, she had to go to the vet over and over, and was just a huge ordeal. So when she had another one show up before the wound was even healed, I made the decision to not have any more treatments. Kitties have an expected survival of three years after diagnosis, and she's already 15 years old. I didn't want to put her through that to extend her life by maybe a year or two. That's no life and I wouldn't want it to be done to me.
So the tumors have been coming and going, but now there is one that seems to be staying. She's been barfing a little, and I'm worried that she's getting uncomfortable, even though it's only been a year.
I've been on hold for the pediatrician for 20 minutes now because the baby is sick and has a fever. I called the advice line at 8am, and their advice was to call back at 9 because they weren't nurses. Even without a medical education, that was pretty bad advice.