Getting in to Trouble

New homework

jennimoo — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 16:18:16 GMT

My emotion journal homework is finally done! I will drop all ten pages of emotional craziness on here later, but put it on private to spare you all my crazy.
This week's homework is 10x harder, and also 10x more awesome, and finally, just annoying.
I have been tasked with performing a personal ritual to acknowledge my grief, but in doing it, J gets to take all his crap and leave so that I can worry about myself and not have my grief continue to be hijacked my his issues. That's the 10x harder part.
I did have an interesting moment with the therapist when I was trying to explain to her that I needed to have a sense of personal safety in order to participate in my rituals, and she was confused. I will admit that I have been jealous of the Christians for the past few weeks. It would have been lovely to just fall on my knees and drop my problems at the feet of my imaginary friend. However, Pagans do the work and deal with the consequences. I would think she would be happy about that, since she would be having to convince a Christian client to pick it all back up and acknowledge they still have responsibility to themselves to process and learn. Anyway, I ordered a book of goddess poetry to give myself something to focus on during meditation, since I have too many flashbacks to concentrate anymore. I'm hoping that helps. I have a ritual that I wanted to use when we buried the baby, but I couldn't even speak. I am very tempted, tonight there is a 100% chance of rain, I would love to be able to be outside, reading the ritual and being washed by the storm.
The 10x more awesome part is that I am supposed to be on the hunt to find and do little things that make me happy. I think I may embrace a flair for the dramatic and use the window markers to write the happy things I find around the bathroom mirror so I can see myself surrounded by them. I won't call it a working, since the last working I did ended in catastrophe.
The annoying part is that she wants me to go to a support group. None of the groups I could find are in any convenient location, or at any time I can attend. So it seems as though I will be giving up and evening or a weekend and driving miles to experience other people who are just as fubar as I am.

Sometimes I watch Ghost Adventures

jennimoo — Sun, 16 Sep 2012 03:51:49 GMT

In the hopes that it will be the episode where a ghost finally appears and slaps the shit out of those idiots.

NEVER AGAIN

jennimoo — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 14:58:36 GMT

Will I shrug my shoulders because we are out of granola bars and grab one of Jason's fiber bars on my way out the door to spend hours with clients.
No one was harmed but me, but it was a lasting sort of trauma I will remember for a while.

Denied

jennimoo — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 01:22:46 GMT

Rejected from the PhD program this afternoon.
Time for plan B. Anyone got a plan B?

LiveBondage

jennimoo — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 21:46:43 GMT

Anyone notice LJ is promoting a gift of a heart wrapped in Japanese bondage on the front page?
Or was that just me?

Boobs

jennimoo — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 22:42:46 GMT

They are awesome, but sometimes annoying.
That is all.

Some days

jennimoo — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:33:11 GMT

I am just not sure I am going to make it.

Would I regret it if I just walked away from a PhD?

Can my life, my body and my marriage handle another year of grad school and a year of internship?

What if I don't get an interview? It would hurt my feelings, but at the same time it would make some things easier to decide.

WTF

jennimoo — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:53:35 GMT

What? Two posts on Twilight?
Yes. But still far apart.
What the fuck is this series about? I can't bring myself to inflict that sort of brain damage on myself when I have Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and Christopher Moore available to read, but seriously what the fuck is going on in those books? This is what I have garnered from passing statements that have begun to concern me.
Vampires who sparkle (okay whatever)
Obsessive emotionally abusive relationships highlighted as romantic
Bestiality (Uh, these books are for teens)
A vampire eating someone's uterus?

Seriously, what the fuck?

I am such a bad Bi.

jennimoo — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 13:53:29 GMT

A friend tells me the other day she wants to have the symbol for Bisexuality tattooed on herself. My first response? "Jesus don't do that, it is fugly!"
My second and more appropriate response had to do with getting through her phase of questioning and making sure she wasn't a lesbian before branding herself as Bi.

Just getting my troubles organized

jennimoo — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 16:31:40 GMT

I've been rejected by two of my three grad schools. I knew before that I didn't plan for rejection, so I started to try to, and found some options. One is working for CPS while the state helps pay for my education. I'm just not sure that's an option for me. Another is changing my focus, choosing a school that doesn't offer my program and working with a distant advisor.
So I looked at some other programs I'd be open to, but applications aren't open until next year. My job isn't going to last that long unless I do something radical to change it, and honestly, I think I had my hopes so high to be home with the baby, I'm not sure I can even fathom it right now. That's an awful lot of pressure to be accepted by the last school, which happened to be the number one school on my list and the Human Sexuality mecca.
So now I get to figure out what kind of compromise I am willing to make with my dreams. That stinks.
Bubba had a small tumor early last year. I elected to have it operated on, and it was a terrible experience. They took a huge amount of skin from her, she had to go to the vet over and over, and was just a huge ordeal. So when she had another one show up before the wound was even healed, I made the decision to not have any more treatments. Kitties have an expected survival of three years after diagnosis, and she's already 15 years old. I didn't want to put her through that to extend her life by maybe a year or two. That's no life and I wouldn't want it to be done to me.
So the tumors have been coming and going, but now there is one that seems to be staying. She's been barfing a little, and I'm worried that she's getting uncomfortable, even though it's only been a year.
I've been on hold for the pediatrician for 20 minutes now because the baby is sick and has a fever. I called the advice line at 8am, and their advice was to call back at 9 because they weren't nurses. Even without a medical education, that was pretty bad advice.

Gender Socialization

jennimoo — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:25:57 GMT

::sigh::
I'm doing my best to not enforce gender socialization on Alex.
And on my way home, we've been listening to a children's CD. He likes it, it keeps his attention, but as I'm listening, I'm thinking, "these are all GIRL songs". Sure, they are Pagan, so I expect a goddess slant, and I want my son to respect the female origin and power of healing, creation, etc., but I think even if I had a little girl, I'd be a little steamrolled by the vajayjay level going on.
We need some male influence here. Let's have some songs about dirt. And odes to smacking yourself in the head with things.
And poop.
All while being educational.

Because I am stupid

jennimoo — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 04:49:23 GMT

I am now on facebook.
Like I have nothing else to do, and I can totally keep up with my e-mail as it is.

Unnnnhrrrrgh.

jennimoo — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 04:54:33 GMT

The baby slept so well Sunday night, it was luxurious! I got up three times, once to pump, once to feed him, and once to feed the cat, since if Mommy's up, somebody's got to be eating, right? Then last night I was up with him four or five times again. He went back down most times without a fight, but it's still not the greatest sleep. Then today I had to give training to the Spine Consultant training. I sound so intelligent talking about physics and radioisotopes on no sleep. Seriously? I can barely say radioisotopes I'm so tired. I actually told people if one of them could fit themselves in the microwave, I'd talk about non-ionizing radiation, otherwise they were on their own.
I'm trolling for a sitter, I want to go to my company holiday party, and I think we'll be able to find someone, but I'm sad. We had a ton of fun at Pcon the year before last. I got into the absinthe, got a little more than working drunk (hey, it was my first time, what can I say?), and had fabulous monkey sex with my hubby in our hotel room during our lovely weekend away. This year we have no room, no sitter, and I have no idea what the half life of absinthe in breastmilk is, but I'm guessing a bit. All we have is a big ole bottle of booze. Damn!
Anyway, I'm off to bed. I've still got points left for the day, but I'm too tired to go find something to eat, so I'll just have to try harder tomorrow.

They're coming....

jennimoo — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 07:08:57 GMT

There was once a time when I thought I had a few too many kitchen towels. How quaint. I just did a load of baby laundry that had 14 kitchen towels in it.
Just to catch up, I've finished my grad school applications, so everyone send your good juju there. They are to public schools, so competition is tight, because it's a full ride if you get accepted. I did find out about a program that will help me pay for school while I work if I don't get in. Unfortunately, the indentured servitude is for CPS. I can handle a lot of pretty terrible crap, but hurt kids are just not my bag. :(
While I wait, my inlaw are decending on my house for Christmas. Is it just me, or does anyone else see the irony of me having to host them for a holiday I wouldn't be celebrating if they weren't here? Either way, it's going to be fun, and only slightly irrevrent. Did I mention the vacuum cleaner broke?
Oh well, I'm taking my Mom's advice, and just pointing at the baby any time they start to notice a mess.

I'm so ashamed.

jennimoo — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 06:53:20 GMT

I made a defective pie.
My Mom left some store bought pie crusts in my fridge in a can of pumpkin on my counter, so I thought, what the hell?
Apparently my kitchen is punishing me.
From now on, I promise to stick to sweet potato pie with a home made crust.
Secretly though, it only took me 10 minutes ot make it with the store crust, but one of the defects was that the crust sort of fell off one side, and was hanging down off the pan like one of those overly stretched tribal earlobes when I looked in the oven. Gross.
I guess I'll have to console myself by eating some pie.

Where's Mommy?

jennimoo — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 06:30:21 GMT

It was a game, now it seems to be the theme of my life.
I've found out just how hard it is going to be to take the baby to daycare and pick him up. Also that babies don't sleep in any sort of regular pattern, except when its something you don't want them to do.
I've learned that being an only child married to an only child can be problematic.
I'm struggling at work, but apparently I'm not allowed to talk about it.
I suspect this stuff has been this bad all along, but at the moment, juggling it with trying to finish my grad school applications in record time has just pushed me over the edge.
Gasp! That's right, I'm downright cranky.
So I'm going to bed. Hope everyone has a happy turkey day and safe travels. I'm going to be thankful for the extra sleep.

Naps are lovely

jennimoo — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:38:23 GMT

Not so much for me, I've never been able to take them, but the opportunity to have two free hands is just such a treat. We're going to go have pictures taken this afternoon/evening, that should be a fun trip out of the house. We were supposed to go to the ocean this weekend, but it was so cold we opted not to, so I've just been stuck here for WAY too long. Unfortunately, Jason's car died again, so I don't have much access to my wheels, and it's kind of a pain.
The baby has developed cradle cap, and somehow we have no baking soda, so I need to manage to get to the store this afternoon so I can poultice him before his bath. No reason to pay a pro for pictures of a gross, flaky baby.
I think I'm going to make an attempt at going to the gym this week if I can. Jason isn't happy with the idea of me bringing the baby and just putting his car seat by the equipment, but since he's not willing to give me a break, he will just have to learn to deal with it. If the baby cries, I'll pick him up and take him out of the gym, I know no one wants to have a crying baby during their workout. It's not like I want to go at lunch or after work, there's only like 4 people in our gym at 2pm on a weekday and 2 on Sundays. I've been taking walks with the stroller, but they just haven't been enough to help me lose weight compared to being stuck on the couch for hours nursing.
The baby is a fashion disaster today. He woke me up at 6am by throwing up on me, twice. (We co-sleep, for those who didn't know) I got up to change his pants, and found out that when Daddy last changed him, he'd peed all over the changing pad, and Daddy never cleaned it up, so I had laid him down in it, and now he needed a new outfit. Jason and I finished dressing him, and then by the time I went to pick him up, he had peed out of his diaper and all over his clean clothes. I finished getting him dressed, and between him outgrowing things and the laundry not getting folded last night, he's wearing a blue patterned nightie with puppies on it, a brown bib with a corduroy bear in a different pattern, purple Halloween bat socks Arlynne got him (they rock) and a pink and blue beanie from the hospital. I believe they refer to it as "a hot mess". I'm taking pictures of it for his blog, it's bad enough it needs to be preserved for posterity.
For those who don't know, he's got a weekly picture gallery going on over at the pregnancy blog. http://peanut.magiclamp.net/

.

Moooo

jennimoo — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 21:14:07 GMT

Ice cream anyone? Ar, you want some fromage?

New Drinking Game

jennimoo — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 02:20:24 GMT

Every time Sara Palin says "Large energy producing state", you must drink.

Joys of parenting.

jennimoo — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 05:05:06 GMT

Apparently the great joy I was missing from my life was having someone to throw up into my pants at random intervals, with no warning.
Actually, its not that bad. I went to the Dr today for my follow up. Some nerve damage they expect will heal over time, and I go back in 4 weeks for an ultrasound to see if the cysts are gone.
My Dad is coming next week. I am getting desperate for company, but I'm really not sure I'm that desperate.
Left handed typing while breast feeding is too hard, so that's it for now.

Look what I made.

jennimoo — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 04:42:28 GMT

I'm so exhausted, I can barely function. He's pretty cute when he's not crying though.

Oh yeah-
22 hours of labor, 7 of them pushing
8lb, 7oz
8-8-08 at 8:49 pm
Alexander Ian Robinson

Fucking Ow.

jennimoo — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 07:26:52 GMT

So here we go...

Gross

jennimoo — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 04:45:54 GMT

I think that's the key word I'd have to use for just about every pregnancy symptom I've experienced.
Today I had a sign that things were probably getting started. Nice to see, right about the time I started feeling like I would be pregnant forever or I would explode in the next week or two. Not going to tell you what it was, because really, you don't want to know, and the best word I can come up with to describe the event?
Gross.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to get a pedicure so my toes are ready to stick in someone's face, and maybe shop for one more piece of furniture. Last night was a complete drama-fest, complete with drunken monologues, so I may just end up sleeping in, but I hope not, I was insanely bored just sitting around today.

Rhapsody

jennimoo — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 07:18:40 GMT

Something about the name of the site implies I should be having a good experience shopping there, yes? That would be wrong though. I was kind of happy I found a few songs I haven't been able to get anywhere else, some obscure gospel, a few brand new ones that just make me happy. Get about ten of them in my cart and go to check out? They disappear. Then, when I try to add them back, I can't. Each item I put into my cart erases the item before. And just to make it exceptionally frustrating, the site has repeated errors when I try to hear clips and put things into my cart. So I went to the help thing to see if they were working on the site or something, and the thing is designed so that once you go to the help site you can't get back to the main site. These people just really don't want my money!
Other than shoppus interruptus, I had a big day. We went to Great America for my company picnic, and then this evening we went out with some friends for dinner. I left Jason with them to finish a well started lush, they seemed to be doing pretty well when I left, and I got a drunken call a few minutes ago from one of them. I'm crossing my legs and hoping the baby doesn't show up tonight. I don't want 15 drunk people gaping at my hoohoo, since they are all closer to the hospital than I am.

No news is no news.

jennimoo — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 21:08:58 GMT

No baby yet, although I had an experience yesterday that let me think that maybe things might be getting started. Who knows, I've never done this before. My contractions slowed down a bit yesterday, probably because I spent three hours sitting on my ass and not moving. I'd been pretty active up till then, I finished up two classes to transfer for my degree, did my homework for my one remaining retard-fest, I mean on-line class. (This week's topic according to the reading; The connotations of homophobic slurs used by children at a pre-pubescent stage and the social implications of the creation of homophobia-phobia. The best response so far? " I don't think calling a kid a faggot will make him gay, even if they say it like 20 times like the guy in the article. Maybe it's different in Australia, but like, that wouldn't happen here".) I did see a ray of hope from one respondent, who said, "I don't know what a Poofter is, but I know what a Chink is, so I'll use that to leverage my response." Hooray! Hooray for reading carefully and applying it to your own world experience! I loved reading your response!
I've made the mandatory trips to Target, and even hit Costco so we'd have snacks and water for the delivery and to keep our stand-in labor coaches happy while they watch me complain and push a football out of my butt. Now I'm down to assembling furniture and trying to get the room ready. I have SO much to sort. My Mom is proud to be a member of the Grandma Brigade, and just wants a list of what I need done so they don't wake me up while they are doing it. Amusingly, she says all you need are a few clean outfits and blankets to get you started (check), some diapers (have lots of disposables from friends, check), and the bassinet. Um yeah, I can see the little frilly part of the bassinet sticking out from the piles of stuff waiting to be sorted and assembled. I guess I've got my work laid out for me.
Anyway, I'll be escaping babyland to go to Lammas dinner at Victoria's tonight, hope to see most of you there.