| Divorced Barbie |
[20 Aug 2008|09:27pm] |
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for
one of those Barbie 's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater
Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken 's Car, Ken 's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain
made with Ken 's balls.
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[27 Dec 2007|03:33am] |
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'
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| How the fight started |
[04 Dec 2007|12:53pm] |
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems
to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and simply say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started .
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| Newfie legends |
[18 Sep 2007|08:33pm] |
Newfoundlanders had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that Len's father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Len's eyes and said, "Because, ya dumb arse, yur faudder, grandfaudder and great grandfaudder wuz born in January, you wuz born in July."
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| New Boots |
[12 Feb 2007|11:30pm] |
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking
proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over: "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says: "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies: "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought
a hat."
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| Hair Dryer |
[12 Feb 2007|11:28pm] |
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
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| Yup, still going |
[19 Jan 2007|03:53pm] |
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And next...the images. Comic strips, bumper stickers, billboards, Mastercard "Priceless" ads, and just generally funny pictures. (I do have a lot more jokes in my documents folder, but some just weren't that good.)
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| More jokes! |
[18 Jan 2007|08:24pm] |
I'm gonna be busy for weeks. I have tons of stuff. I hope none of these are repeats, but some probably will be.
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a bag of Fritos potato chips:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion - Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too Late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Did this really happen somewhere? My God!)
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Enjoy.
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| New member, hope you like my jokes |
[18 Jan 2007|07:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 giggly |
] |
I have tons and tons of Internet humor saved on my computer, mostly images. I'll post some of the images later. These are behind a cut, just in case anyone's reading at work.
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| While grocery shopping.... |
[14 Dec 2006|11:18pm] |
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says "do you know me?".
To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says... "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery ?"
Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
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[28 Oct 2006|12:38am] |
Neologism....
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you
die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
___________________________________________________________
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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[28 Oct 2006|12:29am] |
Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "Ithink I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shaking the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."
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[22 Sep 2006|01:39pm] |
For Lexophiles-(Lovers of cryptic words)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum Blown apart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. The hand is quicker than the eye; but only noses run.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large
number
of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
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| My cousin just sent me this and it was too good not to post asap |
[11 Sep 2006|08:43pm] |
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil
proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahula, a bottle of Fireball, a bottle of
Spiced Rum, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, and a box of chocolates.
You have no freaking idea how good I feel. Please pass this on to those
whom you think might be in need of inner peace
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| Honeymoon Night |
[06 Jul 2006|06:57pm] |
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John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.
"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.
So he waits.
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said, "You might as well go to sleep."
"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"
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