Still more jokes

A blonde walks into a library, walks up to the front desk and says to the librarian: "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a large coke, please."
The librarian is stunned and stares blankly back at the blonde, but the blonde thinks that the elderly librarian must be hard of hearing and repeats her request in a loud voice: "I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER, FRIES AND A LARGE COKE!"
"Miss, I'm sorry but this is a library," informs the librarian.
"Oh, I'm sorry." whispers the blonde, and continues in a very soft voice: "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a large coke."

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.   Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.  She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.  Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.   He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.  He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.  She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.  She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q:  My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.

A:  Your husband is clearly devoted to you.  He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing -- your sister.  Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together.  Why not get some cousins involved?  If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A:  Do it.  Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful.  It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin.  Interestingly, men know this.  His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless.  Oral sex is really not that enjoyable for a man.  He just wants to do it because he loves you.  Buy him a nice present, cook him a nice meal, and don't stress-out about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.  Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him.  Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.  The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't get on him about this.  He is under enough stress as it is.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband.  If you must mess with it, do it in your own time.  To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it.  To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is a very humiliating experience.  Insisting upon it, demonstrates to your husband that you do not love him as much as you should, and turns sex into another act of drudgery for him.  Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth.  It was created and fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit.  Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal!

The 5 Stages Of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.  You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.  At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked just outside waiting for you. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH.  You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.  This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.  You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pick-up truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off and began yelling!  "Man, that guy is stupid, I thought to myself as I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.  I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles.  Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper, most of this bumper-to-bumper driving is on an 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.  That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile or 31,424 cars.  Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass everyday day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000 female drivers.  In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan magazine, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, which leaves 449.  According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's leaves 98. About 34% of all females describe men as their biggest problem, that's leaves 33.  According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.  That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past AT LEAST one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.  No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.  He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."  The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.  The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.  Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.  Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"  The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.  Please, go away and leave me alone."  The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.  Please, go away and leave me alone."  A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.  The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"  The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.  After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.  The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.  "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building.  He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.  Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.  Five minutes later, he reappears and repeats the whole thing.  About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?"

The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics.  When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!"
So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:

MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).  Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.  Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.  Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.  Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 lbs. of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 3pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9pm.  Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm.  Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4am.  Set alarm for 5am.  Get up and make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.  Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.  Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.  Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.  Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there.  Get a dime.  Stick it into the cassette player.  Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.  Mash them into the back seat.  Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.  There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)  Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.  Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 10 of the beans.  And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.  You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)  Go to the nearest drug store.  Set your wallet on the counter.  Ask the clerk to help himself.  Now proceed to the nearest food store.  Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.  Purchase a newspaper.  Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child.  Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.  Suggest many ways they can improve.  Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.  Enjoy this experience.  It will be the last time you will have all the answers.