Fairy Dishwashing Tablets:
“Unfortunately you can’t get your scooter in”.
Somehow Fairy thought the sight of a clearly mentally retarded child trying to force his scooter into a dishwasher would make all the mums in Britain and Ireland collectively “aaaaaawwwwwwweeeee”, then go out and buy the bloody things when, in fact, it was more likely to illicit donations for Down Syndrome Ireland.
What were they thinking? That this shit was endearing? The oh so toothsome Mum at the end smiling wanly at her offsprings monkeyshines when, in reality, she was more likely to break down crying that she couldn’t stop smoking when she was pregnant.
Boots: Pill Swallowing
There are a few things, believe it or not, that I find quite difficult to do. Algebra for example, I just can’t do it. It completely escapes me. Another one, understanding how metal boats float? They’re made of metal! How are they not sinking?!
However, as dumbshit as those mental deficiencies may sound, I can at least hold onto one thing; a rock, if you would, in the ocean of mediocrity I currently find myself adrift in. I can swallow a fucking pill without gurning at the mirror like I was gulping down a 14-inch cock.
This ad raises numerous questions. Is this I-can’t-swallow-this-pill-because-I’m-a-dainty-precious-flower shit supposed to be cute? How do these girls eat? Do I have a 14-inch cock?
The answers to those questions are, in order, I suppose so, they don’t and they call me the Cockan the Barballsian. It’s that fucking big. [A further paragraph detailing my sexual prowess and detailing my genitalia in exact detail has been removed for space reasons. Email me for details]
Clearasil: May Cause Confidence/Rape Part 2
All right, first of all, I am well aware that I did these ads last month. And again, I too thought that I was done with them but then… then they upped the ante. The scene is laid out thusly, a flustered looking professor stumbles over a sentence in a half full class of college students. Then, like a flash, our hero stands up and, with the glare of the room on him, demands that said professor imagines him naked before turning to the clearly terrified girl next to him, whom he also demands to imagine him naked.
The idea of the ad, again, is based on the idea that, thanks to Clearasil, this previously shy boy’s inner douche was revealed to the world. The implication here is that everybody with acne is a mere wash of his or her face away from becoming a fucking Alpha Level shithead. Fuck. Off. Oh, and if you’re having trouble with this last bit you should go ahead and imagine me naked. Yeah, it’s that big.
God bothering simpleton Simon Simpkins made it into the press for his allotted 15 minutes this week when he complained in bitter whiny tones about the above sweet wrapper. 
The Abyss 
