We’ll see how this goes…
As I write this, it’s just about to turn into 2025, and it seems as opportune a moment as any to write a few thoughts on things, and life in general. You see, right now, I’m at a rock bottom (Yes, again!). Not in a ‘threatening to do anything silly’ kind of way (although I’d be lying if I said certain thoughts don’t creep into my brain briefly on occasion, but I’m assuming that’s normal for any intelligent person who finds their back against the wall, and overcome by what appears to be unmanageable), but I’m definitely in a dark place, and I need to talk honestly. Still with me? (I know, I started off this blog a bit heavy handed. I’ll try and go easy hereon in.). I’m sure there are others who feel similarly though, particularly at this time of year. Think of this as a way of letting you know you’re not alone, and thoughts are nothing to be scared of. I think it’s just the mind looking for options in times of desperation. I’m currently in the midst of finding the right medication, and the right people to talk to, though. But for now I have to go down this public blog route, as I’ve found other avenues have become untenable over the years. I won’t go into great detail about the ‘other avenues’, but certain ‘accepted’ methods I’ve found are just not for me. Not saying they’re not for other people, just not for me. I’ve struggled with my mental health most of my life, and indeed, recently got a medical diagnosis saying as much, for what that’s worth. But I’m getting it addressed, that’s the main thing. Hopefully that comes with solutions. I also find it hard to talk to close friends,the prevailing attitude being ‘it’ll get better’, but it’s hard to believe that while you’re in the thick of it.
I’ve had quite a few years, and where I’m at now is not where I thought, or hoped rather, I’d find myself at 54. I don’t need to get into lurid details, or go over old ground, or, God forbid, bore anyone, but those who know me know I’ve struggled with, particularly, alcohol abuse, but with an underlying restlessness that existed long before drink ever entered the picture. As I write, I’m only 2 months dry, after a relapse that began this time last year. I say ‘dry’, rather than sober, as it’s another accepted ‘wisdom’ that someone off booze who’s not on a program is a ‘dry drunk’. I feel differently. I think a dry drunk is more someone who stops drinking because they HAVE to, not because they want to, and your ‘program’ is certainly one option, but as I said earlier, not one for me. I’m reluctant to get into the workings of these things, but suffice to say it wasn’t a place I felt I could be honest, and indeed my candour was an issue for some involved. Programs, Religion, Scientology, etc., I’m sure it all ‘works if you work it’, but I’ll leave it at that. Please, just… if you see me, ‘get a meeting’ doesn’t work on me.
So, where to now? As I write this, I’m on a laptop that’s on its last legs, with a space bar that only works if you hit the left hand side of it, so this is taking longer than it should! It still may be a long blog, but I’ll try and break it up with some recent artwork if that’s the case.
As I say, it’s been a few years, even this last year has been a tough one, aside from my own stupid behaviours etc. I’m still in a constant financial crisis, I’m THIS close to getting into difficulty with my current accommodation situation. After 4 or 5 years homeless, I still find myself in an ‘institutionalised’ set up of sorts, despite it being an unshared space now. I’m still answerable to certain people, and unwittingly crossing lines I didn’t know were there. It’s a hairy moment in my life, I’ll not lie. I feel trapped here, yet lack any resources to ‘move my shit’ if it came down to it. Or anywhere to move it to. I hate where I am, but need it, at the same time. I just feel somewhat controlled / watched / not as free to live as I’d hoped to be. I seem to love the sound a ‘final warning’ makes as it whizzes over my head. Also, just an hour ago, I could hear a young couple from the laneway under my window arguing loudly and with expletives, about the ownership of a ‘pipe’. This happens a lot. I also, about a week ago, narrowly missed a rock to the head from some young locals, and I have a history of taking rocks to the head. Ah, Dublin…
I AM aware, by the way, that there are others in worse situations. This isn’t an ‘I have it worse than you’ piece. I’ve lost some good friends this last year or so, and my thoughts go out to their loved ones. It does make me wonder about getting older now. It’s bad enough seeing famous people you’ve admired since childhood dying off, but then you get to an age where it starts becoming people your OWN age (AND younger), and you have to wonder is this what the future holds? You’re almost bracing for it without realising you’re bracing for it. You also worry about your own future, particularly as an ‘uncoupled’ person. My da didn’t have the best remaining years to his life, and the fear is following the same route. Particularly as I’ve no kids, and not likely to now. I’ve seen a few grizzly situations for others these last few years I don’t fancy emulating. Hey, I never said this was gonna be a cheery end of year blog. In fact, I feel I warned you adequately… (cotd)
I also find it hard finding something to strive for, something bigger than me, which is important. I think this is the first full year I haven’t gigged as a comedian in 20 years, and I’ve all but given up on that as a pursuit, or as a way to engage with the world as honestly as I could allow myself. It’s not something I did purely for entertainment purposes, I’d always hoped certain outlooks would be of some help to SOMEone out there. I dunno. I just recently had a conversation with a comedian friend who thinks I may not be done with it yet, but I feel, thanks to a heady cocktail of wine, frustration, and my own hubris, I’ve burned a lot of bridges with people. Or revealed Psycho Bob. Also, there’s a lot less money in it than there used to be. But this is where I’m at now. Not just with professional relationships, but friends and family too. It all seems unfixable. And the older you get, of course, the less time ahead you have to let things settle, but let them you must. Oh, to be 27 again.
I don’t have answers. It’s, as I write, 3.30 in the morning. I’m in my sitting room, on my seventh cup of coffee, staring at half-arsedly scrubbed walls and ceiling, before I attempt to repaint the place, under orders from management. I’ve never painted an apartment before, the ladder I have isn’t quite tall enough, and my arms and legs ache almost instantly once I’m up it. I dunno HOW I’m gonna get this done before my next inspection, which is any day now. If I cry and paint simultaneously, is that multi-tasking? I also have to be up in 6 hours and I’m a long way from sleepy. I did an ‘all nighter’ the other night for the first time in years, and it’s messed me up considerably.
I’m sure I’d a lot more I wanted to say. I was starting to feel a bit better as I was writing, but now I’m winding down, and looking around my flat, I feel the dark descend again. It’s an ongoing battle. In a world of people telling you to ‘cheer up’. I could just do with a turn in my luck (no no, UPwards, Universe!). I was kinda hoping 2025 would be my year, but I say that EVERY year (as do most of us). I’ve a lot ahead I’m not yet seeing solutions for, and a lot of my energy goes into trying to fight off the blind panic which, in turn, prevents you from dealing with ANYthing. I’d only gotten out of the hole I was in, and I don’t think I have it in me to fall back in, and recover again. I’m just too old and too tired at this point. A bit of me thinks / fears there will always be this struggle. Of course, expecting it manifests it, I guess. I just feel like a kicked dog sometimes, unable to trust in things. I’m also quite unsure of a lot of my decisions and choices, or if I even have it in me to be happy. But maybe I wasn’t put here to be happy.
Anyway, that’s been 2024. The world appears to be in quite some political turmoil at the minute, and I think to a certain degree a lot of us suffered mentally since the whole lockdown thing, that we’re being TOLD we’ve recovered from. We haven’t. We are living in ever ‘interesting’ times, it appears. Also, Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who and comic books are all poop now. Hope 2025 is better for all of us.
Rob
Some more art:
R's Website 
