too young to be post anything.

3:46am: yesterday was tough, it needed to happen, but I would rather it not have affected me.
I'm a poor writer today...
I'm feeling a 'rains it pours' wave rolling in and I'm going to have to use will power and sobriety to maintain calm and collected.
I don't want the water, I'm not fucking thirsty, but my eyes are drying up and crave a little moisture.
did anyone get that?
hardly a point to that one.
fuck it, I'll make a point up,
hey you, yes, you in the home on wheels in which resting bodies lay accross each other like a good day at the shooting range.
please get to your town of no one safer than I'm picturing in my rotten imagination.
is it awkward that I wish you were here?

12:59pm: nothing but a boring shade of blue...
it's been a while since I've jut sat and written anything about the happening s these days.
It's been an eventful weekend, and a whirlwind week before that. I can start with today because it holds the most recent appeal . I started the morning beautifully, waking up in a fully made bed from the day before an hour before my alarm clock went off. I was smiling, which I almost never do in the morning. The day went smoothly, cutting and coloring hair while taking pictures on the computer and having girl talk with 15 yr old girls with loud and loose mouths. Three of my favorite clients in a row, work wasn't work at all really. the giggle fest was over and I was left with a random day of running into friends who've moved away, falling asleep in east van on friends couches and unbelievably cute text messages. after bowing out in an altered half sleeping state I tried out the art of long distance phone calls. I have to admit, I'm so incredibly awkward, but I'm hoping it holds a certain element of charm.
let me explain, I started the weekend on the thursday with the last set of a sold out show to young teens who all knew all the words to songs that have only had a week long life span. showing up with a bag of things to cut hair that look like tools for slitting wrists , I had one small purpose and not an once of extra energy. I had to spare everything I had fighting with the prince on the front steps of the morrissey, which ended in a bag of things being left in the hallway. my mood went from excited to damp at best, but I pulled on and cut the nervous locks with wet eyes and a runny nose.. god gave me the worst sleep imaginable that night. work was a sick day and I'm sure there are some people out there who are fiercely angry but they should be happy I ever make it there with how I've been feeling lately. the day was satisfying and the show that night blew me away, so much so that I have no clever descriptive ways to phrase it's excellence. most memorable voice since the Constantine's . after a failed parking attempt at the morrissey, yes two nights in a row, there was the worlds most terrible goodbye followed by the most movie-esque chain of events.
Now there are two people out there who'll likely never see the end of brick, I hear it's epic.
that's about as good as I can tell a story right now. I'm tired and my ears are ringing with songs ohia, over and over and over, even on the way home, which took way longer than it should. I felt as if I was truly apart of people's days, over hearing everything and letting smiles go like fireworks four times too many down in english bay.
it's sad when the only thing that spoils your mood is blenz's wireless being down.
it's sad when the thought of having to go to work in two days can make you just want to curl up and not go out. It's something about salon life that makes my toes curl. I love so many of my clients, and cutting hair is something I'm so thankful I can do for money, but it makes me panic. I've never been fond of this city, I don't want to feel like I owe it anything, and thus I'm going to plan some trips with option hunting in mind. remember ontario friends how i've promised over and over about how my next trip was for you? well my next trip is for you. Christmas will by about taking in my family, and taking out my friends. I know I'll be so broke it's unreal but at least I'll get to see my friends for who they are instead of on tour, and the cities from a perspective as if I lived there. I can't wait for you polluted alleys, I can't wait for you white christmas.
and on that note goodnight.
see you all, soon enough.
-jesse

9:47pm: I am smitten in all the wrong places. today was counter productive, and I need to stop treating it as if it was a day off because I definitely still worked over six hours, which is closer to a full day than a half and thus was not a day off. I'm getting sick again, my joints, my bones, I'm a little over 60 inside, but at least I fit into my new jeans. my new roommate is the nicest, sweetest dude I could ever think about living with, but I still can't get over moving rooms, and I have no idea how to make my furniture fit in the new one.... what else, I'm in an internet cafe, I'm going to new york on valentines and I want to go to the arcade with craig.
I hate having a nap and waking up after dark, it's 2:00m in this head of mine.
<3

11:26am: my kitchen is lime green.
jon mcrae is my new roommate.
I now live in the small room.
xo

10:25am: thorugh all the late night bullshit.... ps. I still need a roommate.
who needs anyone else when you look like this.?
heh.


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6:23pm: "hey, Stabbing Westward was a cool band... i wonder if they're on itunes?" - thanks micah

11:58am: please? I love you?
Hi, my name is jesse upton crowe, I need a roommate...
I'm a hairstylist and you're going to get free haircuts, I also like singing, playing keyboards, and dancing all night long....
I need someone who doesn't get lazy about cleaning up after themselves, doesn't mind having a few random out of towners stay the night every once and a while and doesn't mind seeing me in my underwear while talking to my mom on the phone.
I live at pacific and bute in the west end. the apartment is called the royal mansion.
rent price is 625 a month, half months rent damage deposit, and if you have a kitty or puppy, it's another 625 deposit on that. I refuse to deal with telus so if we want the internet, since my roommate is moving out, you'd have to be the telus account person, or we could get rogers or something.? I don't know... what else.
yup that's it... if you want pictures, I'll send them later.

ALSO EASTVAN'R'S
Jessi anne reeves of veneration fame (and my top 8 fame) needs a roommate on 10th and frasier, ALSO doug, of being awesome fame also needs a roommate at (about) 10th and broadway which is basically the sweetest house...

if you know anyone. drop my/us/them a line
-jess

10:00am: I've stayed home another two days in a row.
why even bother?
I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure I'm the queen of bringing down the party.
or at least I'm treated that way lately.

9:30am: i guess my life is fine, I paid my rent out of my hair extention money, but at least my rent is paid. I couldn't afford a buspass, or even a ferry pass, but at least I'll get some excersize. I didn't get a phone call back to go out last night, but at least I got my house cleaned. it's hard to find a possitive this early in the morning. I'll be yawning until the sun is fully up, even if I've already been at work for hours. as far as I know things are fine, people asways ask me about it, the why's mainly, and I never know what to say...

8:53am: you put on that look, that says this little star wishes she weren't single.
nothing is the end of the world. I always have to give myself that reminder as I wake up, the wrong way spread across my bed, spooning sencelessly with my computer. I'm far more tired then I should be this morning. I slept a good seven hours, but it was one of those sleeps where I was trying to force keep myself awake, as if I was waiting for something exciting in the late night. I was blatently ignored. not the end of the world, not at all. yesterday at work I commited to buying the scariest tool I could imagine. I bought a 150 dollar straight razor, this is just a blade on a stick, no guard no nothing, it's a wierd power to hold. I have a head ache this morning. I know I've got a day of colour and it's going to be mellow indeed, but it's still I big day to think about. ten hours. I'm ranting away here, I'm not sure what my point is.... I wanted to wake up into a conversation, fuck waking up alone.

11:03am: hair cuts, get em while they're hot
hey kids, this is pretty last minute but I need a hair model for an advanced cutting class at 2:00 on monday. any of you long haired girls out there who are cool with having some layers and bangs, could be the proud owners of a brand-new free haircut! models still have a lot of say, you don't have to worry about us over riding your ideas, or having crazy haircuts you don't want, we still treat you like a regular client.
so get your fanny's on the phone.
604.733.7246
jesse, rain boutique.

9:32am: I'm currently wondering what I did while I was drunk....
I think I'm getting dumped tonight.
fuck.

10:14am: awesome, it's kind of like my 21st birthday but less drinks, less fun and I'm pretty sure my "boyfriend" is pissed off at me...
wicked, I love drinking, it really brings out attractive qualities in me and makes me a fun person to be around. I find it really fun to puke all over myself and my floor and possibly garett when we both have to work really early, I mean, who wouldn't? what I love best is how I'm now going to work ten hours worried that someone I care about is pissed off at me and by the time I get off work, I'm sure he'll be out at a party somewhere and I'll stay home....
fuck you gin and tonic,
fuck you beer,
fuck you morrissey.
we won't be seeing you later.

-jessica

10:29am: only the internet saw my awesome make up yesterday, today I'm going to try to replicate part of it, though it's going to be hard since my powder smashed last week and my face is a total disaster. ha ha ha. last night was a fun night in, got back in the habit of writing a little bit, ranted to dorian about ranty type things and made plans for rants in the "RL" on sunday. I have way too many plans this week, morrissey is supposed to be tonight, though I don't think I'll go because this is garetts only night off for over a week before he starts doing the two job thing at AA, yes this is finally validation that he's good looking, ha ha ha, and now I'll get deep V's at cost, not like I didn't already, but still. yeah, so that's tonight and beers at the irish heather, where I've never been on wednesday with sasha, then maybe reworking the morrissey in there later this week, thursday maybe?
yes, nicola and jessica's awkward party 2006!
today is jam # one, metro town date, and hair extentions.
epic.

5:53am: big day.
see for your self!
we did our make up fixed our hair got larry and travis and thomas involved said bye and now I'm at home all by my lonesome!

10:33am: I didn't dream last night, which is likely for the best seeing as ak my dreams lately have been fucking wierd and vivid enough to mess me up for the next couple days. I'm feeling healthier, in a better mood, ready to work, which are all good things. My limbs no longer all feel like they are bruised, good times. last night I stayed home, listened to old AFI over top of the miss murder video and went to sleep at 11. I don't feel like I missed out, but I did miss garett in the mix. awe.

9:54am: my wrists feel like filtered jello and my shoulders like cement.
I can hardly lift my purse, but it's mind over matter, and knowing that once I get to work, I'll likely stop hating my life helps, but it doesn't help me get there. I am a panic, I need some pills, I need good nights sleep, I need a good long hug from the boy I like too much, I need to sing like no one can hear me.

1:22am: tonight in a nutshell.
talked to kyle on the phone and told him about my dream he was in, ranted on the internet about how none of our friends have changed and how it feels odd to be watching it from cities outside of saskatchewan.

said good bye to my mother and took silly pictures in the kitchen.


then I got in touch with the event planners and got fancy, I realized I didn't want to go out, so I took a few pictures and washed off my make up.


I spent the night on the computer with my best friend.

11:32pm: I'm in a terrible mood, there is no real reason for it I'm sure, though I've been waiting a half an hour for a phone call that I'm not sure I'll get... last nights dream was wierd, so I called kyle, who was in the second part of the dream to talk about the fact that he must still ring some importance to me, he's a darling to say the least. a hard shell to crack though, and I wish I lived in edmonton some days so I could at least get to do so every once and a while. the other part of the dream was frustrating and disconcerning... it was one of those realy vivid dreams, and no one wants one of those when it involves watching your love intrest and 'boyfriend' making out with one of your friends. shivers. shivers.
it's one of those days where i thought if maybe I looked good and dressed up more than usual I could fool myself into feeling well, but my make up smudged and this shirt isn't fitting, please please let the phone ring and end my useless complaining.
I love you.... can I have some lemonaide?

10:27am: my dreams had a few parts.
on a night like a friday, one where everyone goes out, gets drunk has fun I was to meet you at a house party. from what I remember it was a birthday for a girl we both know and love, but in this case of drunken truth, you and her were caught kissing on a day bed in the basement of the gathering. I pulled you off side and proclaimed that I didn't care, that you two loved each other that you would have more fun together and on that note, flew home to saskatoon....

...this flight was an odd special charter in which we borded a boat with only eight other people including kathy mary-rose (my mother) and a few members of the canadian congress. tired and lacking politeness I stretched as far as I could, laying out in the floor with my feet much to near the people of importance, only kathy noticed and I was given a light scolding as the plane nose dived right to the fringe festival...

...I remember when I wore all black, had black hair and wore dark clothes, I thought I was the only one who did but aparently broadway ave, the street of the hip in my home town had reverted back to my high school days and sprouted gothic clothing stores everywhere. I was getting phonecalls gallore while floating down the street on a giant balloon, to check stores out and to offer aproval. sara and I snuck into a coffee shop where we ate free cheese cake before we wondered next door into a corset and dress fitting room. there I was eye to eye with my first love full on with davey havok hair down long on one side and eyeliner too thick to see his eyes...

...somehow my dream ended by riding "the zipper" a ride that was always at the saskatoon ex. with kyle and my mother as I screamed that I was going to puke.

10:55am: I have the internet, I can sit, on my computer, which I bought for myself, anywhere in my house, which I picked out, on the couch which I stopped in a window and drink coffee off my thrift store coffee table over a cup of saskatoon's own rostery coffee....
I love you home.
and connor and katina move in next month, garett is taking me for dinner and maybe someday I'll get a raise.
who wants a singer for a band? that's all I need.

3:08am: you're a needy girl.
oh jesus, where to start. I was really busy today, too busy, like to the point where I had no breaks and no food until my color processed at 7:30, which was infact painful. mstrkrft was useless and limerick was over by the time I showed up. ok, so it wasn't an eventful night, but what is in vancouver these days. I'm still really insecure in the grey areas, I'm going to have to start faking it or I'll fuck up my deal with my fake boyfriend.
full day tomorrow and then my family gets here, i'm really excited.

11:04pm: I had a secret day off today. I spent the day cutting hair, including my own and visiting the doll at work.
I'm really tired, uncreative and I have a plus 2 to shine and no friends
sweet

12:28am: jesse crowe.

let me fix both you and your boyfriends.

1:01am: lately I've been in happy situations with no real means of taking that in and being happy. i've felt like a wall, a shell being tossed around to fun places, pretending to party faking smiles and tearing up in phone calls. I don't really get it because everything I can think of is on an up sweep. My job is going well, my house is empty but at least mine I love the time I'm spending with a certain dollfaced lad, but I'm constantly trying to shake this nervous cough. I'm trying to find a route, a place to be next year, so I made a list of 50 things I want to do by summer next year. I am only going to post things as I complete them but the rest is truly only for me. I'm hoping by being a bit more productive I'll take my nights off as golden evenings to make love to check marks and narrow down this daunting scroll.
I haven't been able to be by myself, it's a problem, it's a head ache.
I'm going tomorrow to buy new shoes and jeans, and fucking god damn shopping therapy is going to feel good.
i love you.
goodnight.