Express Yourself Through Written Word

Right, so, my real name is Ashley. Yeah, it’s pretty common and kinda basic; I’ve had several other Ashleys as classmates (which was quite confusing sometimes when our name was called without our individual last names) and I have an online friend with the same name, who is very supportive and kind, and finds my personality endearing (like my other friends). Online, I go by the name of Luca-Luna J. and I honestly prefer to be called Luna but I’m fine with being referred to by any of the following: Luca, Luna, Ashley, Luca-Luna, Ash, Lulu, and LJ.

I’m from North Carolina; I’m still here, too, and I might just remain here forever. Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe I’ll live in California someday. Maybe I’ll live in Virginia. Maybe I’ll just be in a larger house somewhere here in North Carolina. We’ll see what happens!

My parents and my feelings aren't very consistent; like their behaviors vary, my feelings towards them do the same. They say problematic things when they're frustrated or mad and make me feel bad for thinking the opposite opinions of them (I never voice this so they aren't aware they're hurting my feelings), but just as often, things go well and are nice. They're making me get all confused again; do they display toxic behavior or do they not? Could they be considered abusive at all? I don't know anymore...

Maybe I'm hoping for the best... Maybe I'm in denial... Maybe I'm crazy... I just don't know anymore...

Mental health is...tough to deal with.

My sister and I cried when we told our cousin about our struggles with mental health and our toxic environment. His wife and him were so, so supportive, and both are willing to be there for us as we take our baby steps to getting out of this household together. They, as our individual friends stated to us as well, believe we need to get out of here first before we get any mental help and they are right, as difficult as it is gonna be.

I'm gonna go back to job searching online and work my way into being about to work around others physically. I don't won't anxiety, depression, and abuse to ruin my life any further than it has.

I, and my sister, want to be free. Someday, we will be.

For the first time in a long time, I truly feel hopeful of the future.

My sister and I are finally gonna tell another family member about our poor mental health, alongside the situation we've been stuck in for a long time now: living within a toxic household.

We...are very anxious because we don't see a great outcome from this, no matter what we do, and it all leads to our parents learning of our feelings towards them, which will end in disaster no matter what occurs.

Friends of ours are aware of the situation and advised us the same thing: move out. My sister plans to move out when she graduates, to live with a friend. I am...stuck gonna be here for a while longer, until I get some much needed help for my anxiety disorder and anything else that may be why I am the way I am and feel the way I feel; I believe I may have depression but I'm in denial of that, along with being in denial about my anxiety just getting so out of hand that I just cannot handle being in certain situations (if I feel something may happen, I make an excuse to avoid going) and around certain people (mostly many people, but it confuses me that sometimes I can handle it and many other times I cannot; I just don't get it...).

My sister revealed to me yesterday that the only reason she's still alive is because she's trying to make a YouTube channel, where she can help others by talking of these matters. I think she'll do great.