| Date: | 2005-04-18 12:59 |
| Subject: | Mydia |
| Security: | Public |
'Tis I,  wolfychan, the very original Sueslapper, back in action after nearly a year's hiatus. Without further ado: Mydia! A Mute Sue!
TITLE: Silent as the Grave
CULPRIT: YouaretakingmeoverandIlikethat
SUMMARY: "Mydia has sworn herself to not talking. She speaks to others in different ways, she had witnessed something horrible and feels immense guilt is there someone to make her talk again? Based on the Movie! Please read and review. ;)"
BEST LINE: "He asked looking over, at first it wasn’t ringing any bells and I soon nodded, Norrington James." We've had Misspelled Monkeys, now here's a Reversed Reptile! Or something.
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank.
NAME: Mydia. EYES: Not described. HAIR: Brown. DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: The ability to whine for hours without even making a sound. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: An indulgent, hovering nursemaid of a friend named Karen. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Her parents were murdered when she was 10 and she hasn't spoken since. She's not in a special home or anything and although she claims to be 20, she seems to still be in high school. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Runs into Will Turner, gets rescued by him, and has dinner with him, all for no apparent reason. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Communicates through clever hand gestures and annoying eye-rolls, but for some reason, she doesn't use American Sign Language and she doesn't carry a notepad. THE "PLOT": Mydia and her almost equally Sueish friend Karen are watching PotC when hurricane alarms go off. Then the hurricane winds do a Wizard of Oz on them and they're in Port Royal. Will Turner appears, does nothing special, and disappears. The girls instantly get a job at a clothes shop and sell Elizabeth's dress for Norrington's promotion ceremony. After working for about 20 minutes, the girls are paid off with 25 shillings, which works out to about $200. Pretty good pay for less than a day's work by two completely unskilled young girls. They go and eat dinner, which is smoked salmon, which is convenient because everyone knows there are lots of salmon in the Caribbean. Then they get a room and sleep. Gripping, I know. Then it abruptly switches to Mydia's POV, and the angst is poured on in buckets. After she whines to the audence for a while, a guy comes in and halfheartedly sexually assualts Karen, but Will appears and fights him off. Karen then conveniently disappears so Will and Mydia can have a lovely incongrous romantic dinner together. NOTES: Mydia goes on and on about how being mute makes her miserable, sort of missing the point that she could just talk whenever she wanted to. Being a stubborn-ass attention whore isn't a medical condition. And despite thinking exactly like a highschooler, she claims to be 20 years old! Her parents have been dead 10 years and she's still going on about it like it was last week. I understand having your parents murdered would be traumatic, but for God's sake, you're alive, freakin' do something with that life. EXCERPT:( This chapter was called 'Todo we're not in Kansas anymore.' Todo.Collapse )( More Mydia MiseryCollapse )
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Just when you thought the Caribbean was safe, shy_dramaqueen is back with partner-in-crime elila. Three Sues are ready for their slapping, so let's get this shit over with!
(Warning for immature potty-jokes. The Suethor started it. We were drunk, but what's her excuse?)
TITLE: the blackness of all and the absence of the shi(f)t-key, aka Shit Happens
CULPRIT: smac
SUMMARY: three gurls.. all daughters of the govener.....then all go wild when pirates show up in her town
BEST LINE: "Sarah and Jill looked out into the bay the shit was only about 50 feet away from the dock." Also: "When the girls set foot on the shit all went quiet."
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank.
She gets off easy for being hilarious. We suggest a bit of rum before reading, as it seems to have amazing effects on the fic's entertainment value. NAME: Jill, Nicole and Sarah (last name may or may not be Shore), as well as their cat, Booger EYES: Are used to ogle "tanned skin guys" loading the "intercept". No descriptions. HAIR:Nicole: "Her brown hair up in a curled bun"
Jill: "Her golden hair framed her hair in little ringlets".
Sarah: "Her rich brown hair was up in a curly messy bun with a few strands framing her face." DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: None yet. I shit you not. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A luxurious bed each on Jack's ship. Because they just have beds standing ready for random whores Sues. Nicole: "her green dress shimmering in the sunlight".
Jill: "her dress was a shade of gold".
Sarah: Is naked? And hot. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Daughters of some unknown "govener" and a dead woman. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: One word: Parley. Ripoff much? SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: To invoke the right of parley and make it mean that they can demand anything they want from the pirates when they do. THE "PLOT": So... yeah... plot? We don't need no steenkin' plot, we dah shit! *coughs* Sorry. Some girls are bored and want to become pirates. Then pirates attack, the girls invoke the right of parlay and are taken aboard Captain Jack Sparrow's ship. In exchange for keeping the girls on board for a while, the pirates agree to stop this robbing-the-town-nonsense. NOTES: That's it. We hope it's never updated. Ever. As soon as she got help with the spelling and grammar, all her fics took a turn for the worse.. EXCERPT:( The Sues are hotCollapse )( Beware the giant text block of D00M and shitCollapse )
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| Date: | 2004-09-05 18:33 |
| Subject: | Catherine Costa |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  distressed |
shy_dramaqueen once more braves the Seas of Sue.
TITLE: Catherine Costa
CULPRIT: Jelli-baby
SUMMARY: Today is not my day. I killed Elizabeth Swann and her body was taken by pirates. Now Will, Sparrow and I are chasing after the pirates to retrieve her... the only thing is, Will doesn't know she's dead, and it was meant to be their wedding today... No, seriously. Would I make this shit up?
THE VERDICT
Ten lashes in the public square.
NAME: Catherine Costa EYES: None mentioned HAIR: None mentioned DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: A cut in her cheek. How very kewl and tomboyish. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Pintel's pants, an unrequited crush on Will. Go Will! And Elizabeth's dead body according to the summary, but it hasn't entered the story yet. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: No idea yet... OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Has a crush on Will. Is on the same ship as Norrington, I don't know why. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: The ability to survive a fight with pirates without killing anyone. Because killing is bad. She just wants to live, dammit! Excuse me while Mr. Head and Mr. Desk have a short but passionate affair next to the keyboard... THE "PLOT": THe first chapter is of the "by not mentioning names I make you curious so you'll keep reading"-kind. Mysterious Female (MF) comes to the Caribbean, meets Jack and goes to see Will. Will isn't in his smithy, so she writes a note and tells the air how sorry she is. This chapter is written in third person while the rest is in first person, so I suppose this isn't our Sue. You can never know with Sues though. Tense is optional anyway. Pirates are coming! We're somewhere in the past now, and Norrington kicks Sue down to the kitchen (*cheers for Norrington*) so she won't get hurt. Down there she meets the cook, Pintel, who gives her his pants and shows her a different way to the deck. Because she wants to fight! Only she doesn't want to kill or hurt anyone, just parry until they cry "uncle" and drop their weapons I suppose. Then - OMG*gasp*!!11 - she sees Will! He saves her life, she fawns over him and he politely turns her down. Yes, we have an in-character Will here, believe it or not. This, along with good grammar and spelling, is part of what saves this Sue from more slaps. NOTES: This is well written and potentially interresting. It's the fighting scene that puts me off. Sue needs to use more reality in her tea. EXCERPT:( Sue's teacher forgot to tell her that in a real fight you actually want to cause damage with the pointy end of the sword.Collapse )
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| Date: | 2004-06-09 19:03 |
| Subject: | Rea and Kia |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  bouncy |
shy_dramaqueen has Sues enough to go around. Two big fat ones, a bonus-Sue and a bonus-Stu. Who wants to know what baby-Stus taste like, eh? Red meat or chicken?
TITLE: Family Ties Everyone now: "uh-oh..."
CULPRIT: DaydreamBeliever14
SUMMARY: "Ladies Kea and Ria, of Port Royal, are women determined to find and stop the man who is blackmailing Kea about her past, even when they had to become pirates. The only person who knows who and where to find the blackmailer is the one and only Captain Jac"
BEST LINE:
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank.NAME: Lady Kea Renee Arthington and Lady Calandria "Ria" Nerissa Morgan. Bonus Norrington's-Sister-Sue Ariel and Ria's Son-With-Jack-Stu Jeremy. HAIR EYES PRETTYNESS: ( Let's just take the whole BS...Collapse )OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A pirate ship each, with crews, just hanging around Port Royal, waiting for the ladies to fancy a bit of pirating in between their ladieness. Kea has a ruby pendant that "would [become warm] whenever something in her life was about to unfold." Ria has a ring she got from Jack. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Both are probably from London, and Ria's family is dead. They now live together - two single girls and a baby - in Port Royal, and belong in the upper crust there. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Ria is Jack's 509.840th true love. Norrington has a crush on Kea, Gilette on Ria. They are friends of the Turners. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: They are captains of each their ships and unbeatable in sea battles, it seems. And they are the best pirates Norrington has ever seen. You know, it is pretty rude of him to call them pirates after they fought off the actual pirates attacking Port Royal... THE "PLOT": The ladies go to a ball, Norrington and Gilette dance with them, there are pretty dresses involved. Suddenly pirates attack! Oh no! But fear not, the Sues have ships in a secluded bay, ready with crew and everything. They ride to the ships, sail out, save the day, go back to the bay and go home. The next day they go back to repair damages and such, and a ship with black sails crash into them. Women... can't even park their ships properly. It is - *drumroll* - The Black Pearl! Bet you didn't see that coming! Ria and Jack banter before he goes into town, and Ria loudly declares to Kea that she doesn't love him. In the next chapter they have a lot of dull guests, and after that Kea remembers all the good times and hard breakups and such she and Jack had. She then finds a letter with a drop of plot: blackmail. An unidentified person - who definitely can't be the person Kea is thinking of even if he has the same three initials - demands some unnamed item for not telling on her. Then they go to visit the Turners. NOTES: It is actually pretty well written. But this is my image of the uber-Sue. She is pretty, she is smart and witty, she has an exiting past, she has a perfect best friend, she has an exciting secret life, she pines for her love... And there are two of them. Couldn't it at least have been "Sue and her sidekick, Mary"? No, they are equally Sue. EXCERPT:( Not Sues. Really not.Collapse )*** ( I am Sue, see me pine for my canon-raped lover.Collapse )
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| Date: | 2004-05-28 16:55 |
| Subject: | You |
| Security: | Public |
shy_dramaqueen has another You-Sue. The little vermin are everywhere!
TITLE: The Two Sides Of Jack Sparrow Part 2
CULPRIT: ares kid
SUMMARY: "Jacks come back, asking you, will and elizabeth to go on an adventure with him. How will you cope being on the same ship with the man that left you, wothout saying good bye and leaving a letter? Please r&r. Sequal to The two sides of Jack Sparrow. Jackyou"
BEST LINE: "Even though at the begging of his story you had been in a good mood, while listening to him blabber on you got lost in your thoughts and became in a very bad mood."
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank.NAME: Your name, I guess. EYES: Same as you HAIR: Look in the mirror DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Hates dresses, they make her faint. Maybe not a feature, but she is pretty feature-less. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Canon. Sue ownz0rz it, controls it and ridicules it. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: You are some random Port Royal inhabitant and a friend of the Turners. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: You were Jack's Tru Wuff in the story before this, but it is eighteen chapters long and I'm *not* going there. Apparently, he left you (Go Jack!) after the last story ended. You are still Jack's Tru Wuff as he confesses to you while you're out cold. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Able to make people laugh for the stupidest things, and at ridiculous length. THE "PLOT": Jack comes to Port Royal to take Will on an adventure. Elizabeth and you-Sue go with them even if Jack dumped you two months ago. Predictably, the adventure is smothered under angst and confessions. You are knocked out during a storm, and Jack tells you how much he loves you while you're unconscious. That's it. Three chapters - and that's it. NOTES: Bored now. EXCERPT:( Jack arrives, there is tension and a pretty dress.Collapse )
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shy_dramaqueen, who has now learned the difference between pedophilia and incest, and will never let Norwegian media brainwash her again, is back with - you guessed it - a Sue. And that sentence was so long it almost awards a good ole' hooker-slap.
Have you all seen that movie - "Pirates of the Caribbean", wasn't that its name? - with the three big characters and the other important people and a lot of less important ones without whom the movie would nevertheless be a little more boring? That was a good movie, wasn't it? Did any of you feel that there was a character to much, or that anyone lacked that should have been there? I'm sure you did. The whole thing would be so much better if Elizabeth brought her little sister along! What with her being an only child and everything.
TITLE: Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl There is something familiar about it... no, don't tell me, I'm sure I can remember...
CULPRIT: lulugir715
SUMMARY: "Elizabeth has a 13-year-old sister, Margaret Swann, who go's with Will and Jack to save her. How will things turn out? Trust me, it's better then it sounds. Read and Review."
BEST LINE: The movie had a lot of good lines. They don't get better by being stolen by a Mary-Sue.
THE VERDICT
Ten lashes in the public square.
NAME: Margaret Swann EYES: Brown HAIR: "shoulder length, slightly curly, dark brown hair" DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "at the age of thirteen my body had matured." Well... that happens of course. Right? OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A good chunk of the canon characters' lines, a corset. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The Swann gene pool. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Elizabeth's boring and useless younger sister. Jack'd better not be lusting for a thirteen-year-old again in later chapters... SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: The ability to be an utterly useless tag-along who does nothing to make the original story better. THE "PLOT": Margaret listens to Elizabeth sing the pirate song. Margaret is also scared when Gibbs does his hangman-impression. Margaret discovers the boy in the water along with Elizabeth. Margaret watches Elizabeth find the pirate's coin. Margaret and Elizabeth are told to take care of him. Really, you can just imagine that a girl was hovering around off-screen all through the first scene, she does nothing of importance. All lines from the movie are recited. Ten years later. Margaret doesn't have any piratey dreams, but gets a dress from her father to wear to the ceremony, just like Elizabeth. She gets to wear a corset at thirteen, even if her father has said earlier that she'll have to wait till she is fifteen. (How old was Elizabeth in the movie? I understood that it was her first time, since she was so surprised. Or maybe she was just choking, hard to tell.) Margaret gets to look pretty because she'll meet General Rolling's son at the ceremony. Only courting is indicated, though, so I'm not pulling out the perv-card. Elizabeth thinks it is "wonderful" that her little sister is forced into a corset. They meet Will, who is like a brother to her. Oh shoot, now all the tension about whether she will steal him or jump Jack is gone... After the ceremony she hides behind a pillar as Norrington tries to propose. When Elizabeth falls, she runs down to the docks to save her. (She probably knows a shortcut that no one else thought about.) Jack has already saved her, though. Margaret proceeds to steal most of Elizabeth's lines, and then she is held hostage by Jack. Afterwards she runs to the smithy because Will'll probably find Jack because he is good with a sword. Makes sense, no? No. Anyway, she hears the fight, she calls for help, they find Jack knocked out, blah-blah-blah... Then there is the whole pirate attach, a maid brings Margaret to the fort, Elizabeth stays behind to fight. Um... yes... In the morning, Will agrees to let Margaret go with him to rescue Elizabeth, because she is as good with a sword as him. Riiiight... NOTES: It is the movie with an added brat. It is really all the slaps you can throw at her for swimming in the shallow end of fanfiction with no originality whatsoever. But she gets two. I'm guessing she downloaded the script somewhere, because all the lines seem to be correct with regards to grammar and spelling, while the narrative parts have a few errors. And maybe fanfiction.net screwed up her paragraphs, because she mostly gets it right, but occasionally it is horribly wrong. So, two slaps. Enough to get her attention and make her realise that she deserved it, just like with Jack. :-D And there are four stories on ff.net called "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl". This one, one starring Elizabeth's cousin, one that is even less original (the movie as a book, heh...) and one with Jack's vile mother... I want to read the last one! EXCERPT:( An exerpt? What, you didn't watch the movie?Collapse )
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shy_dramaqueen with some incestuous Jack for you.
Yesterday's sue has gained some constructive criticism, and three new chapters, but though the author thanks the reviewers, claims that there's almost a plot coming up and explains that she writes pointless chapters on purpose, I'm not reading another three angsty pieces.
TITLE: Where do I belong? Oh, poor thing. Do anyone have any suggestions...?
CULPRIT: Clueless-Patty ... nah, too easy...
SUMMARY: "A 13 yr old girl named Mira or Jess is constantly beeing beaten by her parents. Her life sucks. But when she is taken back in time, will she finally find out where she belongs? Will she find true love? JackYou"
BEST LINE: "Watching his hips sway and his backside too." Fragmented sentences should be used with care. They can bite. Or at least make your story bite .
THE VERDICT
Keel-hauling. And we've got lots of barnacles.NAME: Mira or Jess. That's your name. EYES: "dark chocolate eyes" HAIR: "you tie your brown hair and take a look in the mirror. Your hair reached your bum" DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Her hair? OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Dresses. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The future. The one we like to refer to as the present. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Jack lusts for that sexy little thing. With emphasis on "little". SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Making Jack the kind of pervert we all want to castrate. Yes, that kind. That's the reason why this gets five slaps. It would get five stabs in the crotch if that was available. Any fic that makes a canon character lust for a minor, deserves sporking, slapping, maiming and brutal, violent and drawn-out death. THE "PLOT": After being beaten to death and beyond by your parents (not really. Fifteen minutes of being beaten with a thick stick and then have a bottle smashed over your head just means you'll travel back in time, not die. Don't try this at home, kids.) the you-Sue wakes up on the beach in Port Royal. Will finds you and offers you to live with him and Elizabeth. Our wonderful modern feminist Elizabeth insists that you wear a corset, but you refuse. Then you hear voices in your head, and brush your pretty hair. Brief angst over how long it is. After a few months of happiness, you now know everyone in Port Royal. You angst over having lost your parents, whom you loved even if they tried to kill you. The author notes that it is probably less love and more respect. You see a dark shadow sail into a cove. It is the Pearl. Even if this is a you-fic, the POV now changes to follow Jack, as he sneaks up on you. It is a bit weird with omniscient first- and second person fics... Since Jack is so trustworthy, you walk together untill you reach a ledge. Jack climbs down and makes you jump into his arms. He then carries you through the city, and you fall asleep in his arms for no reason at all. (It can be read like his smell knocked her out, if you squint...) When you get to Will and Elizabeth's house, you refuse to let go of Jack, and he has to carry you to the bedroom. I think this would be a good time to repeat that you are thirteen years old! You still won't let go so the poor captain has to sit in the bed with you in his arms all night. When you wake up, he is asleep, and you decide to split before he gets "perverty again". Again? Again? No, no, I refuse to believe it, you bloody well slept all night and I don't want to hear any other claims. However, Jack is holding you so tight you can't get away. He mutters somehing about you being a good whore and I hope to any god or devil that might be lurking around ff.net that he is talking in his sleep. You want to get dressed and Jack wants to watch. Yes, Jack wants to watch a thirteen-year-old strip for him. I would feel cleaner right now if I gutted myself. But you, being the good little whore girl that you are, refuse. NOTES: Could someone pat me on the head and say that it is a troll? EXCERPT: ( Elizabeth would of course encourage the use of corsets.Collapse )( Captain Sparrow: carrying Sues around since... wait, when the hell did he start doing that?Collapse )( No. No. NO!Collapse )
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Hello. This is shy_dramaqueen hijacking sueslaps for a while. I can't promise regular updates either, but I'll drop a few horrors on you now and then.
A warning in advance: I'm Norwegian, but I do use the spell-check unlike so many suethors. Give me some leeway, though. ;-) Be nice. NO FLAMES PLZKTNKZ!!!11fish1111
TITLE: Every Time you breathe another Sue is born.
CULPRIT: sPaRkLiNG-dIaMoND34
SUMMARY: "WillOC. Jack has a daughter who can enchant anyone in her presence with the power of song. Will, is heart broken after Elizabeths death. Full summary in side. Please read and review!"
The "full summary inside" is "Jack has a daughter who has the power to enchant anyone with her voice. It has been two years since Elizabeth died and Will is heart broken still. What could happen when these two unlikely people meet"
BEST LINE: "‘I can’t fall for her, I can’t I can’t I can’t’ but it was too late, he already had." This is approximately twenty-six seconds after he sees her for the first time. Her thoughts two seconds later are equally hilarious: "But I can’t, no he can’t be interested in me, but I can make him, no I can’t if he falls for me that has to be natural I can not under any circumstance enchant him, but his eyes, they are enchanting me. How can I feel this way?? What is it? It can’t be no its not, is it..?"
THE VERDICT
Marooned--without rum.NAME: Aurora Anelei’ Sparrow EYES: "She remembered everything about her mother, her long golden hair, her sparkling blue eyes and her melodious voice. She had inherited all of the features" HAIR: See above DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "but her voice was something that no one else, not even her mother could ever have. Her voice could enchant anyone who was in her presence. It was a miraculous thing; an amazing gift but it could also be a curse." Da ANGST! Also, she can climb up and fix the sails, which no one else on the Pearl can do. How did they ever manage without her? Literally?OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: The Single Tear TM, a really bad short-time memory since she apparently has to ask Jack several times where they are sailing to and a piano. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Jack's daughter. Her mother died two years ago, and she met Jack two years ago. What are the chances? OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Jack's daughter. The widower Will Turner's twu wuff. ("Now, do you little fangirls think this anger you have against a fictional character can be caused by penis envy? Or are you just plain bitches?") Oh, and Elizabeth died two years ago. A lot of stuff happened two years ago, apparently. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: She has a good song voice. Yeah, we wish that was all there was to it. It is, of course, a Sooper Speshul song voice. THE "PLOT": Mary-Sue is standing on the deck of the Pearl, randomly semi-angsting and crying a Single Tear over her mother who died two years ago, and thinking about her nice daddy Jack and all the fun they've had together, catching up on her childhood and such. Jack comes up, she askes where they are going (for at least the second time), and Will explains that they're going to Port Royal to visit his old friend Will. Will's wife died two years ago, probably ripped in two when canon reality was ripped inside-out and the Sue was born. Jack leaves her again. She angst over having to go below deck when the view is so beautiful. Yes, there will be a lot of really really pointless angst here. In the smithy, Will angsts over the death of his wife. Then he hears a lot of noise and runs out to see that the Black Pearl has arrived. In broad daylight. And they are rowing towards the shore. And everyone seem very exited. Will actually realises that Jack is very likely to get the well-known short drop and sudden stop if he is caught. As they walk ashore, he notices that they are bringing someone speshul with them. Will and Sue meet, fall in love and angst, which in the world of Sues equals a packed plot. Ana says that Jack wants to meet Will, but can't come to him because then he'll be hanged. His crew and daughter apparently risked nothing by coming to get him. Nah. The evil arm of the law only wants Jack. On the ship, Will notices that Jack isn't drunk. (Um... I didn't think Jack's drunken behaviour in the movie came from actually drinking, but from things that had no reasons, as Gibbs so eloquently put it.) Then Will angst and cries over Elizabeth's death, and there seems to be some strange circumstances involved. I stick with my explanation: the birth of a Sue is unhealthy for canon. Jack tells Aurora's story, which involves a wishy-washy Jack and the idea that pirates can't have feelings. She randomly met Jack in Paris, and in two years she has become the best pirate evah. Then the telephone rings. No, wait, sorry, Sue's voice rings. Do beautiful voices usually ring? Sounds like a shrill soprano to me. Anyway, she sings and the whole crew wants to have sex with her, except for Jack because he is her father. He stops her, she notices the world around her, flirts with one of the enchanted crew and then rams his head into the wall. You heard me. SHE knew what her voice does to people, SHE chose to sing anyway, SHE made the crew lust for her and then she cracks the poor guy's skull. Jack is proud. Will decides that he needs a new start, and joins the crew. Will and Sue goe to the smithy again to get Will's equipment. Yes, he is just packing up and leaving. Sue challenges him to a fight, and the winner gets to "inflict whatever they want on the loser". Gee, the tension. Sue wins the duel, then has a vision of Norrington ordering an attack. (It isn't as if the guards of Port Royal would have noticed the Black Pearl hanging around so close that half the city had seen it, nooo...) They get aboard the ship, and kiss. They both angst over being in love for three days, and then talk. Will finds it amusing that Sue is short and small and perfect. Actually, I think that is pretty hilarious too, but the amount of perfect sues in the world takes the snap out of the fun. Will confesses his love, Sue confesses her love a little later to make room for angst. They decide to keep it a secret because of the evil daddy Jack. Jack randomly mentions that Sue is the only one who can untie one of the top sails without getting killed. Because the rest of the crew are clumsy landlubbers, dontcherknow. Never been clinbing those tall wooden thingies on the boat in full storm, nope, not them, she's the only one. She climbs up. There is Drama. Afterwards she is carried to her bed and there is some hot smooching and awkward attempts at humour. Sue tells about her speshul voice, it is all a load of crap. They go ashore in Tortuga, and Will leaves Sue to go look for a present. Surprisingly, Sue is attacked by a non-gentleman. Will saves her, hands her a sword, and then she scares them away. It is specified that she didn't as much fight them off as scare them. Yeah. Will has found a sapphire necklace for her. In Tortuga. Where people have jewel shops. Because it is such a safe place. They come back to the ship, and find that they are alone. That's right, Jack left the ship unguarded in Tortuga. They have sex. Sue tells about her angsty past. Then comes guilty angst over keeping the secret, a battle in which Will is hurt, another vision where the Sue realises that she is pregnant, angst over the vision and general angst. She tells Will about the pregnancy, then they tell Jack. Jack is upset. Sue angst alone in the rain and conciders suicide because no one will notice especially not Will who declared his undying love for her half a minute ago. Will stops her, she has a vision of him dying, and then her tummy hurts. She looses the baby. Everyone declare how much they love her. She comes home to where she used to live with her mother, and has a lot of random flashbacks. And the twentieth and at the moment last chapter ends there. NOTES: Despite mixed homopones, numbers and some other oddities, you can at least get the impression that a spell-checker has been involved. A confused one. So I put away the barnacles and didn't put in the fifth slap. The problem with this fic is that it is so extremely boring. It has no plot apart from wuff and some random angsty situations. And I don't get much romantic fluffy feelings from this because, well, it just happens. Abracadabra, we're in love. Now let's have sex and angst. And have mysterious pointless visions. EXCERPT: ( Chapter One: Sue ahoy!Collapse )( Chapter Three: Nah, they'll never become a couple, nope.Collapse )( Phonecall from Hell. No, wait, she's just singing.Collapse )
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This is almost certainly a trollfic. And it isn't really even a Sue. But I had to do a report on it. I just HAD to. Because if I'm going to be the resident psychiatrist of the PotC fandom, this is one hell of a textbook case.
Why, you ask? Because Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom eat Keira Knightley. And they have sex, but that's almost incidental.
TITLE: Crash-Crush
CULPRIT: Myr
SUMMARY: "A flight to the location of filming ends in the most horrible fashion imaginable for the POTC cast on an island in the middle of nowhere."
BEST LINE: "If you haven’t been saved by the time I’m dead, I want you to eat me."
THE VERDICT
Keel-hauling. And we've got lots of barnacles.
NAME: Keira Knightley EYES: Brown HAIR: Brown DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Her meat "resembled chicken a bit, though it hadn’t the stringy quality." OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Tender flank steaks and a juicy rump roast. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Well, she's a very pretty girl who, astoundingly, is younger than I am, but has been in considerably more A-list movies. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: She's, um, REAL. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Going well with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. THE "PLOT": Pirates of the Caribbean is shooting in the Caribbean and Johnny and Orlando are very much in wuv. (Kate who? Vanessa what?) They get on a plane, in costume, to fly to a shooting location, and the plane crashes on a tiny deserted island. The pilot, Jonathan Pryce, and Mark Allen Wagner (Orlando's stunt double) are killed instantly, and Keira has a severe head injury, but Johnny and Orlando are fine. No one else was on the plane. Johnny and Orlando do their best to take care of Keira, even making a little tent-shelter out of her dress, but she's still very badly hurt and keeps calling Orlando "Will." However, she's lucid enough (or messed up enough) to demand that if she dies, the men eat her to survive. Then she croaks. Orlando insists that they should "burry" her, but Johnny knows that they must eat her, because they've been there three whole days and that's far longer than two grown men in good health can go without food. So he takes the body away and tells Orlando that he's "burried" her. But then he comes back with some meat and tells Orlando that it's rabbit meat, and they make a nice feast out of it. They get over their grief really fucking fast and get down to the important business--screwing like the rabbits Orli thought they were eating. They eat some more Keira Tartare and Orlando kind of catches on, but it doesn't really upset him. They screw some more. On the fifth day they're rescued, and Orlando reflects that icky as eating Keira was, it was necessary to keep them alive. Dude, it was five days. I've gone four days without eating and I'm just a weak little girl. I was kinda woozy by the end of it (partly because of the reason I wasn't eating: a massive case of dysentary), but it didn't put me on the brink of death. NOTES: It's actually quite well written, except for a few lapses in grammar and the mysteriously consistent misspelling "burry." And, um, the eating Keira Knightley. I wonder if this is sort of like Elizabeth-bashing, only taken to a new and horrifying level. Oh, and I should mention, I lived on a tiny tropical island for two years, if you were wondering why a girl from Walla Walla would've had dysentary and know a whole lot about coconuts. No lie. Kwajalein Island, in Kwajalein Atoll. If you scroll down to the picture that says ""Old Housing" Duplex", that's my old house. (The right-hand half, anyway.) So I know my tropical island survival shit. EXCERPT:( Coconut-related implausibilities.Collapse )( They're eating Keira Knightley. I'd say something witty but I can't. They're EATING KEIRA KNIGHTLEY.Collapse )I'm not excerpting the sex because it's passably well written if you ignore the situation, except that it's on the beach and they use no lube. Ow ow sand-up-the-butt OW.
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Well, shiver me timbers, it's our very firstest Canon Sue! There's also an original Sue and Stu scurrying about in this story, but I thought the defilement of our good Captain's character was so gut-wrenching that it should be the focus here.
TITLE: The Sparrow's Lament: Broken Vow
CULPRIT: Ricechex
SUMMARY: "CURRENTLY ON HOLD. Capt. Jack Sparrow is broken hearted and drowning in rum. Who can save him from himself and the memory of the one he loved? Sounds cliche, I know."
BEST LINE: "But I don't have a heart anymore, love," he whispered out to sea. "Not since you left. You took everything. Everything, except my name."
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank.
NAME: Jack Sparrow EYES: "dark" HAIR: "many thick, dirty braids throughout his long, almost black hair" DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Beads, goatee, bandanna, you know the drill. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A heaping serving of angst, with a lightly whipped topping of self-pity, served in a tangy depression sauce. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Well, he used to be a pretty cool guy, what with the piracy and the adventures and the swashbuckling and whatnot. But he had a relationship with Anamaria and then they broke up and now he's just a whiny shell of a man. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: He is canon, sort of. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Crying like a little girl. Drinking to escape his woes. THE "PLOT": Jack is staggering around Tortuga drunk and depressed because Anamaria has left him. It's been three or four years, but he's still moping around and hasn't been sailing or working or anything, just living in a shack in Tortuga and being drunk and unhappy all the time. I'm not sure what he's doing for money, but I'm afraid to ask the author that or she'll probably turn him into a male prostitute or something for added angst. A Marty Stu named David shows up and is described so prettily that I think for a moment that this is going to turn out to be a slash story. David suggests that Jack ought to start up another pirate crew, but Jack brushes him off, preferring to whine about how much he misses Will in an even slashier way. A Sue shows up, knocks Jack over, and picks his pocket. Jack whines some more and drinks some more before seeing the Sue again in a pub. She pickpockets someone else, holds Jack at gunpoint, and reveals her name. Ariella Turner. She's a green-eyed redhead, which is quite impressive for the child of two brown-eyed brunettes. Blessedly, the fic ends at this point. NOTES: I believe it was araeph who coined the name "Jack Sap-arrow." It certainly fits here. God, if you want to write romantic angst about a character, why would you pick Jack? Much as I despise Elizabeth-leaves-Will-and-he-angsts fics, at least Will has canonically shown himself to be capable of going a little crazy over a woman he loves. Jack is capable of pissing off whores, betraying whoever's necessary in order to get his ship, and acting goofy and nonchalant even in the worst situations. The man is many wonderful things, but tragically romantic (at least about women) is not one of them. EXCERPT:( Jack needs Zoloft.Collapse )
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First of all, check out this comic, for a little spoof of modern Mary Sues. I'm not sure why Johnny gets to wear normal clothes and Orlando is still in pirate drag, but whatever. It's a cute comic.
TITLE: Girl From The Future
CULPRIT: RoCkInCuTiEeM
SUMMARY: "Ch. 3 is up! A snobby punk girl from 2003 somehow goes back to the 17th century and stays with Jack Sparrow on the Black Pearl as they go to the U.S to try to get her back to her own time in California. My first PoTC fic!"
BEST LINE: "Oh yea when I lyk put lyrics on when Trinitie stops 2 talk or do sumthin else it will be in [] and if sum1 else sez or does sumthin it will be in {}" Read. A. Book.
THE VERDICT
Marooned--without rum.
NAME: Trinitie Turner EYES: Not specified HAIR: Not specified DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: One lone, solitary brain cell. But we think it's faulty. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A television and boombox. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The summary pretty much sums it up. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: In a pleasant surprise, Jack can't stand her any more than I can. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Reciting vast swaths of ctrl-c, ctrl-v'ed Simple Plan lyrics. THE "PLOT": Trinitie Turner is a snotty rich kid with a boyfriend named Alex Sparrow (OMG teh synchronicity!). She's practicing with her Simple Plan cover band when she, along with her TV and boom box, appear on the Pearl. Because she is a huge dumbfuck, she just keeps singing and finishes her song, then realises where she is. Because he's somehow managing to not be an idiot, Jack orders his crew to put her in the brig, but she starts singing again and manages to knock out an entire obviously copy-and-pasted song. Jack eventually gets sick of this and gets Pintel and Ragetti (!) to lock her up. But he doesn't know how to turn the boom box off, so he just leaves it running and Trinitie starts singing another song, which mercifully isn't written out. That summary was roughly as long as the fic, but contained more punctuation. NOTES: Does this pass for literacy these days? ("These days?" The author's only three years younger than me!) This is some of the worst writing I have ever seen. It just fails on every imaginable level. There are no paragraph breaks, but the chapter headings and postscripts are on seperate lines, so clearly the formatting problem can't be blamed on the author's computer. And... you know how author's notes in the middle of stories are annoying? This story basically is an author's note. It is the ultimate triumph of telling over showing. This doesn't read like a story; it reads like someone IMing me and telling me what their story idea is. But hey, Jack's in character! That's the only reason it avoids the Five Slaps. I've actually inserted paragraph breaks into the excerpt below to try and make it legible. EXCERPT:( F U CN RD THS U R A SUTHRCollapse )( I'm trapped on a pirate ship in the 18th century and they want to lock me up! I better start singing!Collapse )NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN REVIEWING STORIES: Please don't abuse the authors of these stories without offering some sort of concrete criticism. If you want to tell them "You suck because your characterisation doesn't fit with the movie, your plot is implausible for the time period, and you need to work on your grammar," that's cool. But just saying "you suck" is pointless. If you don't give reasons why they suck, they're just going to write you off as a random troll, and the chance of them improving or taking down the story as a result is exactly zero.
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| Date: | 2004-05-18 01:13 |
| Subject: | You |
| Security: | Public |
First of all, I must pimp this because it is brilliant. Mina the underaged Depp-fucker gets her comeuppance, and it makes me very happy.
TITLE: Your Dreams Coming True
CULPRIT: Mayya
SUMMARY: "YouJack fic. Somehow, Jack Sparrow ended up in your bathroom. Based on my little daydreams ;)"
BEST LINE: "And only the fact that you start to think of ways to make him jealous proves that you’re head-over-heels in love with him." Someone's got one fucked-up definition of love.
THE VERDICT
Marooned--without rum.
NAME/EYES/HAIR/DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: [insert yours here] OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Some frightening neuroses. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Typical obnoxious modern high schooler. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: You can summon PotC characters by daydreaming. You have sex with and pledge deeply creepy love to Jack, bash Elizabeth randomly, and cause Jack to punch Will unconscious. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Being a sadistic bitch to friends and enemies alike for no reason. Making Jack go so far out of character that I was considering reporting him as a Sue as well. THE "PLOT": You, like all modern Sues, are pathetically obsessive about the movie. (Pathetic obession will become a recurring theme in this fic.) So obessive that you routinely try to summon Jack Sparrow in your bathroom. One day, when you're coming home from school and (of course) home alone, it works. Jack appears in your bathtub and is extremely nonchalant about being suddenly separated from his ship and crew and everything he's ever known. Your first priority upon seeing a fictional character materialise in front of you is, of course, to order him to take a shower. Because Jack always obeys orders from random teenagers, he agrees, and you take his clothes and throw them in the laundry. Which is, of course, a contrivance to have him come out of the shower and not have any clothes to get into. So you end up sitting around in your bedroom with him wearing naught but a towel, drinking rum together because Jack must always drink rum. You kiss him and explain the history of movies to him, and I'm sure he so totally understands what the hell you're talking about. Jack gets cuddly with you while you watch Pirates of the Caribbean together, and you smooch, but then your mum comes home. ( It gets worse. Don't it always?Collapse )NOTES: There once was a pirate called Jack Who always ended up in the sack. For fangirls, voracious, Don't stop at "flirtatious," But move straight along to "attack!" If you didn't pick it up from the plot summary, this fic has a patently offensive view of relationships and gender relations. Romance seems to be about posession rather than affection, and "you" are massively sexually manipulative for no good reason. Man, the longer I run this journal, the less I feel like a fanfiction reviewer, the more I feel like an abnormal psychology student in way over her head. EXCERPT:( The underlying psychology of this fic is extremely disturbing.Collapse )
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TITLE: Lost At Sea
CULPRIT: Spike Hearts Hoobastank
SUMMARY: "The crew of the Black Pearl find a pirate girl in the middle of the ocean the gives Jack a run for his money. Does the Black Pearl reall need TWO insane pirates?"
BEST LINE: "She wore an ivory colored shit, brown pant, leather boots, a long black cloth ties around her thin waist and an old straw hat on her head."
THE VERDICT
We'll let you off with a warning.
NAME: Mayella James Smith. How come they're never named something even vaguely appropriate? I'd love to read about a Sue named Anne or Carol or Lucy.EYES: "cerulean blue eyes," even though the fic later says she only has one. HAIR: shoulder length, "bright blond" DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: A "P" brand. An eyepatch over her right eye. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A glass eye, which is green. I'm not sure why one would have a glass eye and an eyepatch at the same time. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: She ran away from boring ol' home and became a pirate at age seven. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Gets picked up by the Pearl after she's shipwrecked, and hangs out with Jack and Anamaria. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Acting exactly like a female Jack. THE "PLOT": Mayella is seven years old, and her dear old dad was executed for piracy. She wants to be a pirate herself, which horrifies her mother, who of course wants her to be a Proper Young Lady. Mum gives Mayella the mildest excuse for a scolding ever, which causes Mayella to throw a huge hissy fit involving running up to the attic and then jumping out the window. Mayella runs down to the docks and gets in her dad's old boat, which is still there even though he died four years before, and sails off into the night because it's completely reasonable that a seven-year-old could do that. Fastforward, and Mayella's twenty-three, singing the damn "Yo Ho" song, and floating around on a shipwreck. Jack rescues her, and they chat affably about how they're both pirates. She shows him her "P" brand and claims she got it when she was seven, which makes me sad because that's just sick, man, branding a little kid. The author's notes are becoming a significantly larger part of the text than the actual story. Some lines are ganked from the movie and Mayella just kind of hangs out on the Pearl and the fic ends. NOTES: This story has some priceless malapropisms. Shows you what you get when you use spellcheck without paying attention. The "ivory shit" line won because it's Teh Pottie, but I have to give honourable mention to where Mayella wishes Norrington would take "a long stole off a short peer." However, this is my first one-slapper. The writing is readable and has a sort of cheery quality, everything except the seven-year-old bit is plausible, and there's no cheesy romance. Even the Norrington-bashing isn't grating because it's not overdone or even necessarily OOC, since he's being seen from a pirate's point of view. Considering that the author's only 14, I think it's a reasonable effort. But I'm still gonna mock it, because that's what I do. EXCERPT:( The world's most talented seven-year-old.Collapse )( She's exactly like Jack, except female and her name isn't actually Jack.Collapse )
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First of all, something cute and not horrible at all. Now, back to your regularly scheduled horrible. Double Sue today.
I have a question for the people who read this: would you rather see stories that have Mary Sue-ish characters but are still readable, or the real OMGWTFBBQ's? I have way more fun with the latter, but if people'd rather see stuff that might have been written by a human... I live to serve.
TITLE: A Dream Come True
CULPRIT: crazyslashwriters They don't have any slash stories posted, by the way. Stupid false advertising.
SUMMARY: "Two 20th century girls get the shock of their life. (Liz ran off with the commodore after it didnt work out with Will)"
BEST LINE: "The guys looked at them and Jack said, "Holy Shit you brought a lot." "
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank.
Sue #1NAME: Jekyrah Raven. No, really. EYES: "sapphire blue" HAIR: "long extremely curly black hair" DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: a "pierced naval with a black stud thingamabobber" OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A guitar and a sword. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: A modern girl who just randomly falls onto the Black PearlOBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Sleeps with Jack and gets pregnant with his kid. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Playing the guitar, being boring. Sue #2NAME: Sage Raven. EYES: "emerald green" HAIR: "short curly brown hair" DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "eyebrow earrings" OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Art supplies and a sword. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Same as sis. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Sleeps with Will and gets pregnant with his kid, and gets engaged to him. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Drawing, being boring. THE "PLOT": The two Sues are swordfighting when they suddenly go from the 21st century to the Pearl. Somehow, they're able to send themselves back to their time to pack up some clothes and knicknacks, then appear back on the Pearl again. Jack declares that Jekyrah will be sleeping in his cabin (well, he calls it a "room," but that's just because he's stupid), and Sage will be sleeping in Will's cabin. It seems like it would make more sense for Jack and Will to share one cabin and the sisters share the other, but that's Earth logic. Then again, since the sisters can time travel freely anyway, actual Earth logic would dictate that Jack order them the hell off his ship because they're just useless deadweight who'll be a burden on him and his crew. Sage cooks dinner for the crew while Jekyrah plays guitar for everyone. Then Jekyrah changes clothes in front of Jack because she didn't notice him in the room, so he runs up and kisses her. Before things can get too heavy they go down to the galley (excuse me, "dinning room") to eat, and after dinner Jekyrah suddenly falls into a massive angst attack about how their father killed their mother in front of them. But he didn't go to jail because it's not like murder is illegal or anything. Everything's incomprehensibly boring for a while and the Sues just kind of hang out while the author describes their outfits in ridiculous detain. Jack asks Jekyrah to be his girl, and she accepts, and they kiss again. I think they have sex, but it's kind of unclear; she just sort of stands in front of him and pulls her pants down and then there's a merciful fade-to-black. Meanwhile, Will asks Sage for permission to court her, which is granted, what a shock. They kiss a whole bunch. Six months later, the girls are still on the Pearl, and bloody nothing has happened in between, certainly no piracy or anything like that. Jekyrah is pregnant with Jack's child, and Sage with Will's. There's a certain eerie symmetry to this fic, isn't there? Will and Sage decide to get married. Oh, and if you were wondering where Elizabeth was, she's disposed of in parentheses in the fic's summary. Doesn't even merit a mention in the text, poor girl. At the very end of the fic, they find a weird little boy who just materialises in Jack's cabin, which is apparently some sort of massive interdimensional waystation considering the number of people who get teleported there on a regular basis. Then, and here's the bizarre part, Jack says the kid is Bootstrap. Even though it's a little kid! The hell? NOTES: I don't understand this fic at all. The sisters can go back to the 21st century any time they please, but they choose to live on a pirate ship? And the pirates don't mind? And these two girls, who can't be more than 18, are totally happy to be pregnant? Even in the 18th century when childbirth death rates were astronomical? This fic is really, really boring. It hits amazing new highs in boringness. It's so boring it's actually interesting that something could be that boring. EXCERPT:( We can have medical care, good nutrition, and prospects for education and careers, or we can have HOTT GUYZ! Well, that's an easy choice.Collapse )( What say we contrive ourselves up a spot of angst?Collapse )
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| Date: | 2004-05-16 14:40 |
| Subject: | Mina |
| Security: | Public |
The Pit was being difficult, so this is what you get. Be warned that this is smutty. Also WRONG. I recommend taking some Bleeprin right now. It takes some time to kick in, and if you wait til you're done reading this, it'll be too late. It's fucking funny, though. This is the first story I've read that made me literally spit water on the screen. Don't drink and Sue, folks.
TITLE: Give Me Tonight, Mina
CULPRIT: SerenityBloom Good God.
SUMMARY: "just a one-shot smutfic i wrote for my friend and her obsession with Johnny Depp. summary? the right song, the wrong atmosphere, and two loveless individuals make for an interesting night in his hotel room."
BEST LINE: "…Johnny, what about your kids?"
THE VERDICT
Keel-hauling. And we've got lots of barnacles.
NAME: Mina EYES: "earth toned shades", whatever that means. HAIR: "Cascades of blonde silk" DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: OMGHERLOVEISSOGREATBEAUTY OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: "She had [Johnny Depp's] heart, she had his mind, she had his body and she would have anything else should she simply ask it of him." And a really annoying "devlish smirk." And a hymen. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Junior high school, probably. There is no way this chick is legal. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: She dances with Johnny Depp at a party, they're madly in love, they screw. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Replacing Johnny Depp with a dimwitted, lovesick pod person. THE "PLOT": Johnny and Mina are at a party in a hotel. Johnny's mad with lust for Mina. They dance together to Evanescence's "My Immortal." Because this is the mostbestestsongever!!11!1one!, it creates even more magical chemistry between them. Meanwhile, Orlando is off dancing with his new wife, Serenity. Gack. Mina and Johnny go up to his hotel room, and she confesses her love for him. They have the kind of stomach-turningly bad sex that only a virgin can write, which includes the taking of her virginity. Johnny pretty much offers to leave his girlfriend and kids for Mina, but she gets to be noble and say "We don't want to hurt anyone." Finis. NOTES: I have mixed feelings about RPS. On the one hand, it kind of creeps me out, but as long as it's two famous figures together, I think the fantasy/reality line is still strong enough for comfort. I do not have mixed feelings about RPS Mary Sues. They scare the shit out of me. I know fantasising about celebrities is fairly normal, but going into extreme detail about it in a public forum is not. Masturbation is supposed to be private. EXCERPT:( Oh, come on, Johnny Depp is NOT an Evanescence fan.Collapse )( This is the wrongest smut scene since Tifa screwed a chocobo.Collapse )
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First, some bonus badfic. This isn't a Sue, but... good God, man. That's just not right. I do believe I will vomit now.
TITLE: The Girl, The Pirate and The Ship
CULPRIT: misswildfire
SUMMARY: "JackOC fic. Young girl goes back in time and lands in Jack's bed room. Warning, this story has sex in it maybe even rape, I don't know where this story is going yet so read and find out!"
BEST LINE: "He cautiously walked over, with is hand on the hilt of his cut glass." Ow.
THE VERDICT
Ten lashes in the public square.
NAME: Camryn "Cam" Cortez. Named after Carmen Cortez from Spy Kids, for no discernable reason. EYES: " ‘he most beautiful grey eyes I’ve eve’ see’ in me life." They turn "really dark" when she holds the magic book. HAIR: "a rich auburn that goes down just past he’ shoulders." DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: All your great beauty are belong to us. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A magic book (actually, it's Jack's, but she picks it up) that makes her go all spooky and pass out. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: A modern girl who crashes her car into a tree and wakes up on the Black Pearl. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Jack shares a bed with her, makes people think she's a whore, and gets smoochy with her. In that order. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Giving Jack the worst accent ever. THE "PLOT": Camryn is a 19-year-old modern girl who's late for work because her car has the sort of engine problems that only sound reasonable if you've never driven a car in her life. Her car finally starts, but whoop, she crashes it into a tree. She wakes up on the Pearl, in Jack's bed. Jack informs her that she has a choice of sleeping with the crew or sharing his bed, and she of course chooses to sleep with him because contrivance is our friend. Needless to say, she wakes up with Jack's arm around her, but she protests she doesn't enjoy it, no, not one bit. I am so sure. Cam picks up a book in Jack's cabin, gets some sort of poorly described spooky feeling, and passes out. Later, Cam is walking around the ship with Anamaria, when she overhears Jack telling Gibbs "Aye, she's not a whore." Through the magic of contrivance, Cam hears it as "Aye, she's a whore," leading to much angry weeping angst. Oh, and she slaps Jack for it. Must always slap Jack. But after a week goes by of Cam sulking and avoiding Jack, he finally explains what he really said, and it makes everything better. They have a really gross kissing scene, and the fic ends. NOTES: There are a lot of POV switches in this fic, which makes it a little confusing to read. But what really gets me, and what makes an otherwise inoffensive Sue worthy of two slaps, is Jack's accent. Who the hell drops the "t" off the word "the"? How would you even pronounce that? The way I see it, there are two ways to write an accent. The correct one is to just say that the character has an accent but spell everything they say the standard way. But if you must do the phonetic thing, at least make it phonetic! Say the lines aloud in a Jack accent, then write down what you hear yourself saying. Yeah, I realise not everyone can imitate accents, but if you can't do it verbally, why are you so sure you can do it written? Whatever method you use for creating accents, I can assure you that dropping letters at absolute random, not checking if the words created are even pronounceable, is not the right way. EXCERPT:( Bed-sharing and some really stilted flirting.Collapse )( Jack and Cam try to lick each other's tonsils.Collapse )
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This one's my first YouJack, and man, it hurts. I'm only picking it because I'm an incorrigible masochist, plus I wanted an excuse to use the bruiseoriffic "Five Slaps" logo. Because O my brothers and only friends, this is a five-slapper.
TITLE: dream to die for
CULPRIT: pirate blondie
SUMMARY: "You, Claire, are a movie fanatic crazy in love with Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp. but what happens when your dream takes you to a place you could only see on the big screen? DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE! ch 6 is here!"
BEST LINE: "You had begun to call Elizabeth ‘the lizard’ because Elizabeth shortened to ‘Liz’ and you didn’t like her, you came up with a meaner name for her. –mwahahaha-"
THE VERDICT
Keel-hauling. And we've got lots of barnacles.
NAME: Claire Johnson EYES: Not specified HAIR: Blonde DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: MY GRATE BEAUTY IZ PASTEDE ON YAY OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A PotC DVD that someone seriously needs to take away from her for her own good. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: A modern-day girl who also happens to be the biggest geek on the planet. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: She dreams of meeting Bloom and Depp. Not the characters, the actual actors. Then she gets sucked into the movie and becomes Jack's highly hormonal little shadow. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Reciting every line of the movie by heart. Man, I'm obviously a big geeky fan (click here for highly amusing proof), and even I think she's a dork. THE "PLOT": You, Claire, are a freakin' geek who not only has the movie memorised, but quotes it randomly in public. You fall asleep and dream of standing around in a room with Orlando Bloom, very exciting and it rhymes. You literally drool over him and act like an idiot, but he takes you to a room full of cages with beds in them and introduces you to Johnny Depp. Mercifully, you wake up before the hot groupie luvvin' can commence. You wake up in Port Royal, as a matter of fact, on Jack's boat just as he enters the movie. He doesn't really question where you came from, and he just sort of takes it for granted that you'll do everything together from then on, because... because you met, I guess. You know how it is, you randomly run into some stranger, it's only polite to immediately invite them to live with you and share every activity in your life. ( Don't worry, it gets MUCH worseCollapse )NOTES: This author is stupid. I know, that's very mean to say, but seriously. And it's not just because she wrote a Sue; I think that the last two authors I picked on, while they may need to work on their writing skills some, aren't necessarily stupid people. But this one is. I'm sorry. She's just an idiot. Also, this fic manages to combine nearly everything I hate about PotC badfic into one tidy little bundle. There's YouJack, time travel, Elizabeth-bashing, Norrington-bashing, re-used movie lines, obnoxious author's notes, the works. Augh. EXCERPT:( Do Bloom and Depp's security agencies know about this person?Collapse )( No, Jack, don't save her life! Not if it means touching her!Collapse )( Poor James Norrington gets bashed too.Collapse )
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| Date: | 2004-05-14 09:07 |
| Subject: | Melody Kirk |
| Security: | Public |
TITLE: La Isla del Sol de Oro "The Island of the Sun of Gold." Yay Babelfish!
CULPRIT: A lil' like Raven
SUMMARY: "The title means "the Island of Golden Sun". Mostly commedy, adventure, and mystery. Please read and review!"
BEST LINE: "So basically, he was the big cheese. He was even smelly like a big hunk of cheese. How appropriate."
THE VERDICT
Ten lashes in the public square.
NAME: Melody Kirk, nicknamed Sunshine EYES: "bright green eyes, no other color mixed, just green." HAIR: "wavy reddish-brown hair that went a little past her shoulders." DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Blah blah blah greatbeautycakes. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A magical coin from the treasure of the Isla del Sol de Oro. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The youngest daughter of Francis Kirk, the second richest man in the Caribbean. Raised on Kirk Paradise, the second largest island in the Caribbean. After Port Royal. This is the first story I've seen so far with the audacity to go ahead and rewrite geography. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Goes to Port Royal's blacksmith shop and meets Will and Elizabeth for no sensible reason. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Being able to row hundreds of miles across open ocean. THE "PLOT": Melody is 15 and perfect, with three annoying older sisters and a kindly uncle named Malcom who tells her pirate stories. One day Malcom tells her the story of the movie, and she finds a coin in the sand. She looks it up in her handy-dandy pirate reference book, and finds that it's part of the treasure of the pirate Nicolaus Tranjin, who buried the rest of his horde on the Isla del Babelfish. Also, the coins grant wishes. So Melody takes the coin and wishes for an adventure and get off her fictitious island. Melody sneaks away from home so she won't have to go to a stupid boring grown-up party, then falls asleep on the beach. The next morning, everyone on the island has disappeared because of Melody's wish. She decides to go find the rest of the treasure so she can wish them back. So she hops in a rowboat and rows to Port Royal. Once she's in Port Royal, she heads straight for the blacksmith's shop, because... because he's in the movie. There's no other explanation for why she'd think that of everyone in Port Royal who might be able to help her get onto a ship or find the treasure, the first person she should ask would be the blacksmith. The author calls Will "Orlando Bloom" and I grit my teeth a little. However, since Will and Elizabeth didn't get the memo that they were in a Sue story, they actually don't have a clue what Melody is talking about. Melody decides that since some blacksmith hasn't heard of the Isla, it must not exist, so she gets really confused. And then the fic ends. NOTES: I have a suspicion this is a parody, but I think not. Either way, it's at least kind of amusing. Melody may be a flaming Sue, but she's nowhere near as grating as the last one. EXCERPT:( Research schmresearch, I can make up my own geography! Haven't you ever heard of artistic licence?Collapse )( Everyone I know has disappeared. I need magic treasure to get them back. This looks like a job for... a blacksmith!Collapse )
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| Date: | 2004-05-13 23:44 |
| Subject: | Ellie Hones |
| Security: | Public |
TITLE: Fate is what it was, what it is
CULPRIT: Dragonflygirl804
SUMMARY: "Ellie Hones lost the only person she ever loved enough to care about, then her life is turned up side down when she falls in love after so many years with out it. She is pulled back into a life she had always loved; one with thrill and fun involed. She ne"
BEST LINE: "Right at the bottom of the steps was the front desk, ran 24 hours a day. She knew she would have to fake being a clinic clerk top get by; she has snuck into the broom closet and stole a pair of white paints and a white vest, along with a brown hat to cover up her face." Welcome to Tortuga, circa 1725.
THE VERDICT
Marooned--without rum.
NAME: Ellie Hones EYES: Unspecified. HAIR: "Beautiful," and long. Colour unspecified. DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "Slim body and nice curves." Well, it's not exactly distinguishing. At least not in Sueville. OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A map to cursed treasure. No, not that cursed treasure, some other cursed treasure. There's tons of it just lying around the Caribbean, you know. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Her husband died ten years ago, driving her to piracy; she became a sailor on the ship Lady Kalian. Then Barbossa raided the ship and killed its captain. Ellie got away unharmed, but quit piracy and became a seamstress. OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Used to be Jack's drinking buddy, and slept with him. Jack comes back for her years later for no particular reason and, as always, recruits her for his crew. And they very promptly fall in wuv for no real reason. SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Having an unspecified but angstoriffic mental illness, years before the concept of "mental illness" existed. Seeing dead people. THE "PLOT": Ellie was a housewife in Tortuga, but her husband was mysteriously murdered. So she wandered down to the docks and found an all-female pirate ship (oh, the porn possibilities of that, you can shiver my timbers any day, ladies) and joined the crew. Then Barbossa trashed the ship and killed the captain. Jack was onboard for some reason, and he got stabbed in the side, but he couldn't have been hurt too badly, because next thing you know he and Sue are running away from the battle to go screw in the "back room". Real noble, guys. Fast forward ten years, to six years after the movie, as the author helpfully points out. Jack pays a visit to his old pal by breaking into her house in the middle of the night. But he saves her life, because if he hadn't shown up just then she would have suffocated, the story says. I have no idea how or why. Anyway, she passes out, and Jack abandons her, but not before alerting the "medics," who take her to the "hospital." I hope she's been keeping up her Blue Shield payments. ( It gets worse...Collapse )NOTES: Oh my God there are a lot of anachronisms here. Not only does Tortuga have a hospital and paramedics, but it's mentioned that Ellie was on antidepressants. Good God, man, modern antidepressants were invented during my lifetime! And I'm 18! And in case you're bad at math, that means that I was not alive during the early 1700s. Do you see the problem here? Also, this fic has a LOT of Ellie going into spazz attacks and Jack patiently playing nursemaid while she faints and yowls and pities herself. I hate Munchausen!Sues. EXCERPT:( Tortuga has an excellent EMT service.Collapse )( Sexy bandaging and blacked-out sex.Collapse )( Patient confidentiality laws are violated.Collapse )
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Let's kick things off not with a report, but a test. Which also handily doubles as a list of the most common Sue traits in the PotC fandom.
( Are You A Suethor?Collapse )
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tipsy x 2