Starling Lives

Quit Lurking my page.
get a life, honestly? its been more than a year.
quit trolling my shit.
jesus man. come on, Im over it, so shouldnt you be?
Its no business of your who I like, what so ever.
what does it matter, what have I honestly, EVER doen to you, to warrant that kind of inconsideration.

this might be to complicated for your drug riddle brain to understand.
so I'll bring it down to your level.

My life, not yours.
GO AWAY.


so have you liked booked marked my page or just memorized the URL?

I know now, I see. I know, Im sorry, Im gonna try. why should he mean so much? he shouldnt.
Im blowing it out of porportion to fit my insane little fanasties.
It absurd. Though I hurts to know everyone thinks I leave, but Im absolutly positive that wouldnt happen. it feels like we're all having such a hard time being friends lately.
why is that?

thanks alot imagniation.

Jeremy's back and honestly, Im hardly interested.

The frist day back was okay.
I said something stupid that I feel really really bad about(Allie forgive me.)
But other than that it was fine.

I resolve to get an awesome grade on my SAT so I can hopefully get a scholarship to Portland community college.

Amanda, Allie, Hayden and yes, Jordan are all in my 2nd hour art. and Im loving it.
Im fairly nervous to take on my own projects and be 100% responible But Ive pretty much been an independent student since sophomore year..
blah blah blah, Huff's already mad cause we are electric, Amanda and I when we get together, its nonstop fun.

Jordan sat next to me today even though knows other people, God bless 'em.
blablah swoonswoonswoon.

This entery is about nothing.

Im so beyond bored.
All I can do is think about the hour and a half phone converstion we had, maybe he'll call me tonight.
Im porbably getting my hopes up and majorly overthinking everything.

spit it out bro. I need to know. I like him so much.
and Im trying really hard not to use the L word.

but, Im infatuated and my heart hurts.
Im heart thuds next to him, and my stomache feels sick, in a good way.
he smells wonderful, and his eyes are too blue from me to function.

I absolutly apologize for always writing about him. but he always on my mind.
I tried so hard not to like him so much, total and complete fail.
Im sure I wont beable to have a relationship with anyone till Im over him.
which wont be till I hear a "no, i dont like you."
which shouldnt be long now.

I lied, I still do like him, I like too much. Keeping my feeling from him is hurting me physicaly.
I cant keep my eyes off yours and my mind off you, every song reminds me of how much I like you and how long I've been waiting.
we're on the brink, Im coaxing you slowly, Im trying so hard just tell me. yes or no, anything would be better than not knowing.

New years actually turned out to be a lot of fucking fun.
Thanks to Roxanne and Allie.

Im frustrated and Im loving this song Blaze of Glory right now.

I dont even know how I feel about Jordan anymore, its hard to like someone you know will never like you. Im sure I'll always harbor these feeling because I never directly heard a no... but for now, its as good as done. But when she and him break up it will probably be back full force.

What I do know is I get my kirks from someone new. Hahahaahah

hopefully this dream will come true, but knowing my luck with boys...

maybe that will be my New Years resolution.
make some boy like me? I'll have to work on it.

things to change
-Lose weight
-get healthy
-calm down and understand
-write more
-read more
-work on my art
-practice Accodrian more often.

Its been pretty fucking shitty.

everyone ditched out on our New years plans, and Im so mad.
I was stuck making all the plans to begin with aand had to deal with changing everything every ten minutes with no help, I was just expected to get it together. everythings been terrible. and I absoulutly despise today.

I got a truth box telling me Im fake, and Im pretty sure I know who sent it.
I've been lost, Im losing it, this is not what I needed right now.

my last couple weeks have been stressful with trying not to burst into tears over everything.

Roxannes the only one whos comeing over but I wouldnt doubt her not being able to either.



-whats up with you? you've been acting fucking weird. I really think we need to talk.

So its offical, I look better naked then i do clothed.
thats good I suppose, if I had a boyfriend or something.
but I dont, and its hard to get one when you feel like absolutly all of your clothes are ill fitting.
the only thing that fit right are socks.


anyway chistmas was cool, I got pajams and bath stuff. And a book on Chaplin. I love it, oh I love it. I cried reading it, I just love him
its so hard to belive I'll never meet him (agian?)




-god I like you so much its positvly unbearable, I just want to tell you to get it over with, but Im not sure how that will affect our friendship.
--oh, I miss you, I never see or talk to you, but I do try, its like we're not even friends anymore.
-we're close agian and its awesomeee.
-we're drifting too, but we're both trying to stop it.


it seems I can never be close to everyone at the same time.

Today, I was sitting in my 5th hour waiting for class to end, pining, when I thing "hey, let me put my ipod on shuffle.
I'll skip some songs and the one I land on will tell me exatly how Jordan feels about me."
I know its stupid, but also I told my self that if its not good, I'll stop, i'll face the facts and get over myself.
But as I let my finger up, the song is 'You are the everything' by REM.
I was so happy, but I just cant leave it there, what if its a fluke?

so I ask, when will me and Jordan get together, and the song?

'it wont be long now' by the beatles.


so thats the stupid story of something that made me incredibly happy. The universe says he like me.

Thats rap for dang,
Tonight was so much fun, I hung out with the hottest possible boys, of like all time.
Max hugged me and I loved it, hes so cute and he can wail on his bass. Ian, Patia, Jordan, Kirk, Brandon, Chris and every other FUCKING hottie in the area was there tonight.

brandon carnes band brought tears to my eyes, they made me quiver and I coulnd stop smiling, I knew every word to every BC song, and the whole thing was just magical.

and then I realized, that totally, and competly still adore him, even though I know its the most lost of all causes.

it was all I could do to keep myself from burrowing my head in is neck and cradling his head in my hands.
I was having the hardest time not doing it. Like when that peice of candy lures it to you even though you just had some.
I wanted to kiss his neck and push his hair form his face.
fuck, fuck, fuck.

I want Kirk, and max, And brandon, And Chris

Im pretty sure Brandon was staring at me during Chowder (who were amazing by the way)
I was soo happy. to night was so much fun. I pretty much like everything right now.



Now if only my dad would buy me those boots....