...one of these kids is not like the other ones....

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halloween night
stephen c. byrne hosts comedyworks open mic halloween night with derick lengwenus, math boylan, de anne smith, andrew searles, kris bonaparte, kwasi thomas, rodney ramsey, adam susser and more. only three bucks.

9pm. 31 october. 1238 Bishop (below st. catherine)
514 398-9661

www.comedyworksmontreal.com

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for $8, how wrong could you possibly go on a sunday night?

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The Unofficial Carlos Mencia Fans Community
You hate him?
You love him?

The Unofficial Carlos Mencia Fans Community here on LJ was lucky enough to have the one and only Carlos Mencia join them! Yes, you heard it. The REAL deal has joined the Unofficial Fan Club, here on Livejournal.

Why don't you come join us today as well?

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How's this one?
From my most recent journal entry. Comments please.


I was at a movie tonight and ended up having to murder the four asswads who were sitting behind me. On my list of most-hated things, people talking during movies comes right after children's beauty pageants and right before world hunger. I was at a movie with a friend and these four wanks sit down right behind us, which was particularly annoying being that the theatre was fairly empty. Do people always have to sit right behind me or right in front of me when it's fucking empty? Anyway, these four dinks just wouldn't shutup, making 'not-remotely-funny' jokes and carrying on random conversatons. After about a half hour of this, I decided it would be in my best interests, as well as the best interests of the other movie-goers, the theatre and the planet earth if I turned around and showed them why I was voted 'most likely to become a wicked ninja' in high school.

This is how it played out:

The Ninja With Giant Ninja-Balls
by PartyNerd2000

Cast of characters:
1. PartyNerd
2. Megajugs McSluttyBroad (Some girl at the movie who wanted to do me)
3. ShittyPants McGee
4. Tits McGillicuddy
5. Fatty Arbuckle
6. WiggidyWack McWhiteBoy
7. God

Act One - Scene One

PartyNerd is watching a movie. Four asswipes are being loud and annoying. Partynerd stands up and takes off his fishnet tanktop. His abs are fucking amazing and cause three women in the theatre to have projectile orgasms. PartyNerd turns to the shitty fuckwads and flexes his huge pecs.

Partynerd: SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIEHOLES!!

ShittyPants McGee: Holy crap! That guy has six nipples!

Tits McGillicuddy: I'm a fat hunk of shit!!

Partynerd does a palm thrust into the chest cavity of Fatty Arbuckle and rips out his heart. It is horribly clogged with movie-popcorn butter. Fatty keels over and spills his junior mints and extra large pepsi on the floor. As he dies, it is clear he regrets speaking during the movie. WiggidyWack McWhiteBoy stops speaking on his cell phone, stands up and puffs out his chest.

WiggidyWack McWhiteBoy: I have a small penis!!

PartyNerd does a series of lightning fast roundhouse kicks to WiggidyWack's head, initally straightening his sideways baseball cap before shattering his skull. He follows this up with a devastating nipple-twist/suplex to Tits McGillicuddy who (with a mouth full of popcorn) repents his movie-talking sins just before PartyNerd puts him in a headlock, flexes his biceps and pops his head off like a bottle cap.

ShittyPants McGee tries to run, but Partynerd is too fast and sexy and moves like a ninja or more accurately, like the king of ninjas or at least someone who trains new ninjas how to be more kick-ass.

ShittyPants McGee: I only talk during movies because I'm a dumb pile of crap with a FUBU sweatshirt, sideways baseball cap and a 1987 Honda Prelude I put a spoiler on so I could pretend I was in The Fast and The Furious. God, I want to suck Vin Diesels balls!!! Please forgive me.

PartyNerd briefly contemplates forgiving Shittypants, but instead decides to front kick him in the nuts six thousand times.

PartyNerd sits down and enjoys the movie. Everyone in the theatre applauds and throws roses at him.

God: You fucking rule!!! Teach me how to be such a wicked ninja!!

-THE END-

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I am the funniest man alive
Cool group. Great idea. As it turns out, I am like the funniest person ever. Check out my latest livejournal posts to verify. If I'm wrong, tell me. I'm dead serious -in that I'm hilarious, that is.

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..............New Guy Here.................
Hello everyone. Im glad i found you guys. I'm new to the stand up world. I've barely just looked into it. I have always been considered "the funny guy" but though ive never told jokes on stage, i still know that being funny on stage is a completly different world. I have been in numerous plays before (the crucible, hamlet, little shop of horrors, ect..) and have had a balst doing it but the world of stand up has always been something i have been interested in. In fact, about 2 years ago, i was in class when my teacher told me to come up with a 5 minute stand up routine and perform in front of the class. I bombed so bad. I remember getting up there in front of a crowd no larger than 10 people and I did not know what to say. The teacher told me I had to stay up there for these 5 minutes which seemed like 2 hours. I've heard that almost everyone fails their first time in front of a crowd and i really wanna shoot for this.

I have been studying comics for a while now and i want to get started writing my own stand up, turning it into a routine, ect. But i am completly lost. PLEASE, if you have AOL, AIM, and if you wanted to, instant message me...... my screen name is...

Whammx

)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()())()()()()()())

Im barely just starting out and any help from you would be greatly appreciated. Thank You, and lets be funny!

Current Mood: awake

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new guy, new bits
I've been doing standup about a year or so now and I'd like to hear the opinions of other comedians as far as my material is concerned. Any way on to a joke i think needs work.

I may not look like it, but I work out. I have some free weights at home but not much else. For the majority of my workout I use what I like to call the "poor man's stair-master", you may call it an escalator but you know potato, potato. Any way here's what you do, Go down about halfway and start walking up at a steady pace, if people get in the way consider it extra resistance, when you reach the top or bottom then you know your done for the day. I like to call it the " I hope security doesn't catch me again" workout.

Current Mood: happy even if my eye itches

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So, I think gay people have it rough. Cuz there are still people out there using the term gay in a negative context. Like "that's stupid" turns into "that's so gay." I've decided I'm going to change that. Let's use another group of people who have no control over the way they are... "you are actually wearing red with brown.... that's so paraplegic!" What? was that over the line? okay... "you hit a parked cop car? what's up, dinner-plate nipples?"

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stand up material
Hey all im kind of new to the stand up world. I live in the philly area, and i have to be honest the comedy scene really is not that great. So I saw this community and thought it would be a great place to post some material and get some feedback.

- I dated this fat chick for awhile, which kind of limited what we could do in bed. One night she whispered to me,"how bout i get on top tonight" and i was like no thats ok if im goign to die having sex its goign to be with someone much hotter than you.
- and she was always claiming to be on some kind of diet" Im on atkins, Im on the south beach. I don't understand why im not losing weight it says i can have a sald for lunch and a chicken for dinner. Yeah well i don't remember reading the section where it told you to pour a gallon of ranch on your salad and eat a bucket of the colonols original recipe.

-I can't believe we have never heard any stories of car accidents due to someone staring at a billboard. I mean using your cell phone in the car is against the law, which would make more sense if i didn't pass a billboard telling me how much of a distraction using my cell phone is.

- I always see interesting billboards, one of my favorites was this one from mcdonalds. The sign said Mcdonalds all new premium salads, and thats not really the funny part although come on who are they kidding what do we think they have wolf gang puck back there making our salads. so thie sign said mcdonalds all new premium salads, whats next valet parking. Now theres a scary thought cause come on lets be honest has any one ever walked into MCdonalds and saw any one working there and thought gee i would love to let that person get behind the wheel of my car.
- Cause really theres only three types of peopel that work at MCdonalds. First theres the 14 year old who just got there working papers, full of zits and can barely see over the counter and this is the only place that will hire them. Next we have the 18-20 year old recent high school graduates who just barely passed with a c- average can't even get into community college and this is the onyl place that will hire them. they also think that there in the managerial training program, but lets be honest they have a better chance doing jello shots off pamela andersons chest than becoming a manager of anything. and the 3rd group that works at mcdonalds is the senior citizen whose 65 just forced to retire from his job he worked for 25 years, doesn't havea dime to his name and this is the only place that will hire him. and they never let the senior citizen work behind the counter, they are always relegated to cleaning the floors and the counters. and of course they are always in a bad mood, and i can't say i blame them because if i was 65 and had some 14 year who has worked there for 2 weeks is now tellign me to go clean up the bathroom cause soem fat guy just vommited up his big mac all over the floor. Yeah i don't think id be in such a chipper mood either.
- So the bottom line is that if you ever find yourself woking at mcdonalds theres a good chance youre life has taken a few bad turns.


- any way theres some stuff id love to get some feedback negitive or positive

Dave

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Sex in the Olympics
So I was getting bored watching the olympics today and this surfaced. Enjoy, feedback or comments good or bad are appreciated....

I don’t know how many of you keep up on sports but the Olympics are going on. Yeah, the Olympics don’t get much attention anymore. NBC, which puts the games on tv, they’ve been looking for a way to get ratings up. Well, I thought of an idea to pitch: Sex. Have the olympic committee make sex an event. First off, think of the demographic that’s watching the games right now: older people with nothing better to do. Add sex and every single male on the planet would be watching. Think of the events they could have: one-on-one, tag team, freestyle, team competition, etc. And after a team competes in wouldn’t be weird for them to pat each other on the ass you know, they just got done doing the dirty. And you know, why shouldn’t sex be in the Olympics or considered a sport? Sports require stamina, endurance, hand-eye coordination, some amount of flexibility, etc. People pay to watch , and the better you are the more you get payed for performing. Plus the commentary for it would just be priceless: “Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to the 2004 Olympics in Athens. With me here today is Ron Jeremy, the retired 5 time gold medal winner. The first team in the freestyle competition (Big Johnson and Pu Tang) is out on the mat warming up. Now Ron, what’s the background on these two.” Ron: “Well Jeff, Big Johnson is a veteran in this event. As many of you know a bad case of ghonoreah kept him out of the 2000 games but he’s fully recovered and back in action. As for Pu Tang, she is here while under investigation for using performance enhancing drugs.” J: “And here they go....look at that form Ron, absolutely stunning. He obviously knows what he’s doing. And, OH MY WORD! They just pulled off a Korean Crotch Hopper, a move that is at the most extreme difficulty and never before pulled off in competition. Lets see what the judges think....

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Funny(?) Story
Hi, I've never actually done standup before but there's an amateur competition coming up and I'm thinking of entering just for kicks. What follows is an anecdote (or, more appropriately, a combination of several) that I'm thinking of using. It's in the middle of an unfinished routine, which is why the abrupt start.

( Why I Hate Public RestroomsCollapse )

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Cross-posted to standup:
I've been toying with the idea lately of hitting a couple of places around town with impromptu comedy sessions and trying out some of my material. I've never done it before, though, but I have noticed that what's funny in a written sense comes across very differently than it does being spoken.

So I've tried to write a few monologues that adhere my strongly to my "spoken voice", but like I said, I've never done it before, so feedback is welcome. I also decided to de-lurk with a subject that's rather sterile, just because I'm kind of easing myself into the whole process.

( It occured to me the other day that bears are some of the most misunderstood creatures on the planet.Collapse )

Anyways, keep making with The Funny, everyone - it's been extremely inspiring.

Current Mood: nervous

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I could use a little help.
I am a comic in Austin, TX. Every week before the open mike at a local club there is a half hour show called Spite Club where they pit two local comics against each other and the winner of the contest gets his bar tab paid by the loser. It consists of three rounds; insult, trivia, freestyle.

Insult, is where we trade insults and the audience reaction tells you when it is a bd one and you get a strike against you. First comic to three strikes loses the round.

This is the round I need some help with. I am going up against a middle aged hippie. This guy is a major pothead, and a lover of bacon. I have a couple insults ready, but am running into a block on getting a full list of insults.

I was hoping that those of you on the list, (yes I am speaking to both of you), might have a few general insults or some specific to a stoner that eats a lot of bacon. It's a one time contest, and you can have your insults back after I am done with the show. But if you have any good ones, please post them here, and I will be happy to try them out for you and even report back on how well they do.

So come on guys, lets get us a hippie!

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Hi there! I just flew into this community from Oregon (yea yea, arms are tired and all that jazz) and I wanted to post something I'm working on for a later point in time....

So, there's this book out now diagnosing corporations as sociopaths. I want to know if this really suprises anyone. Anyone else here work for a corporation? Yeah? Well, as you know, "corporation" comes from "incorporate", meaning "to suck the life out of"......

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So Googles new email called Gmail, scans through your email for key words and then puts up advertisements in you browser based on what you're emailing about. Kinda sounds like they're spying on us, right? What if we were to write:

"Hey Nate, you after you help me lower my mortgage rate by refinancing, would you want to look for some sort of penis enlargement, or we could get a university degree online, or perhaps find me some viagra somewhere..."

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Fishing is a weird term. Fish are the only animal that becomes a verb when you talk about hunting it. Why don't they say, "I'm going hunting for fish."? When we go out with a gun and shoot game we don't call it Moosing, Deering, Ducking, or Bearing. And I know for a fact that OJ Simpson 10 years ago didn't call it "humaning", "personing", or "ex-wifing & waiter f**king her'ing" when he went out with a Rambo knife that evening.

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i was also thinking about cats, and how they have ADD, "was that a can opener...where's my tinfoil ball... my ass needs licking...shit, it's been 3 minutes since my last nap..."

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