| April 29, 1997 |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|12:00 pm]
Pansy Is Pissed.
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| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
Journal Entry
It is one thing to have heard Miles swear that he would never become a Death Eater in the emotional wake of his parents' and sister's demise.
It is quite another to have heard a known Death Eater -- Moon, that great git who was a seventh year when I was a first -- say that his associates were greatly displeased that he "fled to the Orient" ... and that blood traitors would suffer for it.
I was certain the moment that they noticed Cho and myself in the pub that we were not going to survive the night. Now that I'm safe in the castle, the thought that he is still in danger, even as far away as he is, makes me feel quite ill. I sent him an owl, which is the only thing it's in my power to do, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
Cass said that Miles wasn't likely to get into trouble .. I hope to God he's right. |
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| April 14, 1996 |
[Aug. 14th, 2004|11:29 am]
Pansy Is Pissed.
|
| [ | music |
| | "Feelin' The Same Way" - Norah Jones | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
The nightmares have returned.
In the wake of Megan Jones' death in Hogsmeade, and my own offer to patrol with the other volunteers .. I've woken up three nights in a row, hearing Viola's screaming in my mind. I should probably go see Madam Pomfrey.
I feel woefully unprepared for patrolling duties in Hogsmeade, and yet .. with all the work I've done with Bill, I know I'm probably better prepared than most of the prefects. God help us! I could die. We all could.
I don't know exactly HOW I'm going to keep my promise to Miles. Staying safe would have been keeping to the castle and the grounds, not putting myself in front of Merlin knows who in Hogsmeade. And yet .. I had to do it. I had to do something.
I can only hope that I remain unharmed, and that he'll forgive me if I don't. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2004|11:51 pm]
Pansy Is Pissed.
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| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
School is fine.
My mentoring sessions with Bill .. are fine.
Even this anniversary ball next week will be fine, because even though a certain unsociable prat will be in China, my best mate has asked me to go with him. And I always have fun at dances with Draco.
Oh, and I got a letter from Miles today, in which he informs me he is "quite serious" about me.
...
I think that may be unsociable git language for "mine, so bugger off".
At least, I hope it is. |
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| February 5, 1997 |
[Jun. 5th, 2004|01:56 pm]
Pansy Is Pissed.
|
| [ | mood |
| |  listless | ] |
Journal Entry
He came to see me, the night that I wrote that journal entry .. he collaborated with Cho to surprise me on rounds. And then I ended up spending the night with him in the Prefect office.
I'm sure my parents would suffer a fit of apoplexy if they knew, and yet .. I could not care less. Even five days later, I remember what it felt like to wake up in the middle of the night, with his arm around my waist. I wouldn't tell another soul -- I might never even mention it to him, but in sleep, unguarded, there was no harshness or solemnity, just .. Miles. And his expression, his face .. it sounds ridiculous to say he was beautiful, but he was. Is.
And I told him that I loved him. Kind of. Because he was still asleep, and I didn't say it very loud .. but it felt so right to say that if he heard it, the world probably wouldn't end.
(Oh, bloody hell. I better ward this journal better. Thanks to him, I know how to do it, too.)
I miss him. |
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| January 30, 1997 |
[May. 30th, 2004|08:18 pm]
Pansy Is Pissed.
|
| [ | music |
| | "Broken" - Seether | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  empty | ] |
Journal Entry
Oh, sweet Merlin.
The legal proceedings against the man who killed Viola, and the Bletchleys.. they're done, and he's been found guilty, and he's been sentenced to receive the Kiss.
And it doesn't feel like things will ever return to normal again. Viola will never come home, never go to Hogwarts or be sorted Slytherin or deb or be married. And I miss her.
And .. I miss Miles.
He's on his way back to China - probably gone even now. He was there, at the trial, you know. We had a lovely moment, even in front of my parents. He wanted to say something to me, but I think I was afraid to hear it, because I ran away .. nothing so embarrassing as actually fleeing, of course, but anything he said would have made me cry even harder. And the eyes of the wizarding world were on us, and that would have been unseemly.
But I stayed awake half the night wondering what he would have said - and ended up crying myself to sleep. I looked an absolute fright when I woke up this morning.
I am going to miss him. Horribly. I don't even know when I'm going to see him again, and that hurts almost as much as the other. |
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| January 27, 1997 |
[May. 27th, 2004|08:36 am]
Pansy Is Pissed.
|
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
Journal Entry
Things have been so bloody .. weird lately between myself and Miles. It's so strange; one night I sought him out after a ... meeting with Miss Brown, and end up sleeping at his flat. The owl I sent him went unanswered, though I saw him a couple days later for his birthday, so I didn't think much of it.
I owled him again, trying to find out what news of the trial as the Prophet hadn't given ANY useful information and my father wouldn't tell me a damned thing, just "concentrate on your studies".
When he finally owls back, what does it say? "Concentrate on your studies"!!! (And yes, I KNOW he also sent along some information. Not enough to cause trouble with, but .. at least it was something.)
Concentrate on my studies, feh. I'll concentrate on my studies, all right. Even if they're not specifically the studies I'm getting graded on at end of term. Professor Mister We Bill is a kind of teacher, right?
It's infur frustrating that I have a Weasley teaching me what I very well could be learning from Miles. I know he's busy at work, and I'm fairly sure that he wants to make sure I don't get hurt. But I think about what being unaware did for Viola .. and Miles' family .. and I wonder if not learning these things is the more foolish choice of action.
I will learn these things. Even if I have to be nice to a Gryffindor and a Weasley.
Even a Weasley who is rather cute, if it weren't for the red hair. |
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| January 4, 1997 |
[May. 4th, 2004|11:30 am]
Pansy Is Pissed.
|
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
Journal Entry
I am going to corner Millie on the train back to Hogwarts and tell her that this is All Her Fault.
I was in such a mood when I owled Miles yesterday .. seething with rage over that stupid Gryffindor bint and her presumption that I would go against Cassius' wishes and sneak her in to see him. Was also slightly upset because I had spoken with my father about certain .. plans .. and got rebuffed.
And then I got an owl in return, asking me to meet him in Diagon Alley.
He took me to the place where he eats his lunch every day, and after we ate we went for a walk in Muggle London. And then my life changed.
I told him what I was planning on doing - that when I got back to school I was going to find someone to help me improve my Defense skills, because I just couldn't sit around doing nothing anymore, not after seeing Cass and Celia hurting so damned much. And his words to me, when I challenged the statement that he was concerned at the thought:
"I'm telling you because I worry about what might happen to you."
And then he made me promise that I would be cautious.
I promised. And then I kissed him.
I had to .. the way he said those words, the way he held me without hesitation. All of it told me (not in so many words) that whatever I was feeling, he very likely returned it. And I just couldn't NOT kiss him.
Whatever happened between us last night, it was real - Miles said so - and that I would do anything, I believe, to keep my promise to him.
I think it was much more than a promise to be careful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|09:22 am]
Pansy Is Pissed.
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| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
I can barely get my mind around all that's happened in the past four days. My mind is spinning.
Came home from Hogwarts on the train as usual. Celia's parents weren't there to meet her at the station, so I invited her home with me.
We got there, and MILES was at my house. Talking to my father. And they informed me that the Death Eater that murdered Viola and Constance and Mr and Mrs Bletchley had been caught, and was now in Ministry custody in Azkaban.
He stayed for dinner, and as I saw him out and wished him a Happy Christmas, he .. kissed me.
And then, the next morning, we found out that Mr and Mrs Warrington had died in an explosion at the Paris Portkey office, on their way back home to England to meet Celia at the train. Cass came by to take his sister with him to his flat, and their faces .. oh, Merlin, their faces.
Why? WHY US? Why are purebloods dying? What have we done to bring such suffering down upon us?
...
Purebloods are dying just as heinously as muggleborns. Somebody needs to do SOMETHING.
I need to do something, or else I'm going to go insane just thinking about it. |
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| December 21, 1996 |
[Apr. 21st, 2004|01:45 am]
Pansy Is Pissed.
|
| [ | music |
| | "Kiss from a Rose" - Seal | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  wibbling | ] |
Journal Entry
I think Millie manipulated Miles into attending the party at the Malfoys' this evening. She said something about part of my birthday present being at the party .. and then nothing, until her knowing look toward him as we were saying goodbyes.
It makes me feel very uncomfortable, the idea that she might have done that. And on the other hand ..
I kissed him. I KISSED him, in front of everyone that was there .. I don't know if it was a bad idea or not, but I wasn't really thinking about that. I thanked him for my birthday flowers, and he said that I didn't have to. And then I kissed him as though I had every right to do it.
It was wonderful and frightening all at the same time.
But by the same token, the closeness with which we danced .. he held me danced with me held me as though he had every right to do it .. and I didn't see reason to complain or distance myself.
It makes me wonder if he's even now at his flat, just as awake and confused and pleased as I am. |
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| December 15, 1996 |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|05:05 pm]
Pansy Is Pissed.
|
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
Journal Entry
...
If it weren't for the fact that my cloak still showed the signs of being in the snow this morning, I'd think it was all a dream. Pleasant, yes. But real? It couldn't have been.
No. The fact that he wouldn't let me run away couldn't have been real.
The fact that he took me back to his flat - HIS FLAT!! - couldn't have been real.
The fact that he held me let me cry all over him ABSOLUTELY WASN'T REAL.
But .. my traveling cloak was still wet this morning. If I'd never left the castle last night, why would it have been wet? I must therefore conclude that it was no dream.
It felt wonderful - as wonderful as it can feel when you're heart is breaking again. Does that make sense?
And have I just buggered up something rare in the process? |
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