I'm laying in bed about to turn the TV off so I could get to sleep when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I look up to my one and only window and theres a man with his hood up on his hands and knees staring at me!

[about 2 minutes prior]
So I had just went upstairs after telling a friend of mine goodnight via text because I heard the dog barking and I figured I should check it out. A neighbor of mine had told me that he had seen a man prowling the neighborhood a few days ago.. I looked in all the windows and everything looked ok. So I went back downstairs in my dark basement room with the one window at the very top by the ceiling. Shut the lights off and about turned the TV off when I saw him. I froze deer in the headlights style, because evidentally I am a huge baby like that. He was on his hands and knees which for some reason makes it creepier. He crawled in the snow towards my egress window.. so I grabbed my phone and called 9-11. At this point I am too afraid to go upstairs because the light bulbs on the way upstairs are burnt out.. and yet again I am a BABY. So I called my mom [lol] and after she woke up I ran up the stairs. We waited until the police got there and after about 10 minutes and after some loud noises they came strolling back up to the front porch with the man I had seen in my window. They asked the normal questions like if I knew the guy and if I wanted him on my property. [me, "HELL NO!"] The cop then explained that he was going to jail for the night but how low his bond was and that his parents were probably going to bail him out. They said they had asked him and he admitted he had been here "peeking" several times before. So hes probably seen me naked plenty of times. Oh and the frosting on the top of the cake? He lives on the street right next to mine! great. Needless to say I love that dog I once didnt like so much and I will be sleeping A LOT less than I already was.

Let me also remind whomever is reading this that about 6 months ago my mother came to the kitchen to get some water to see a man in the kitchen heading towards the basement but once he saw her he ran out the back door. My mom said it looked just like the man they caught tonight. yet again.. GREAT.

I dont really know what to do anymore.

Current Mood: scared shitless

"..and addicts are not reckless and dont care. Addiction is a disease like cancer or like depression. Maybe if other people who are fortunate enough not to have an addicting personality and have those good copeing skills didnt treat addicts so harshly than they would be more apt to get help for themselves. Instead addicts hid at home and in streets where they are accepted.

I am a recovered perscription addict. I went to a live in rehab facility for 15 days. I get really upset when I think that people who just dont know any better think of me as this reckless, unintelligent monster who cant control my impulses. Thats just simply not that case. Like other addicts I just needed help to get to a sober state of mind and find ways to deal with life that are healthy. We need to stop judgeing everyone else who isnt like us and instead take the time to listen to them."

Current Music: biitcchh I got money to blowww
Current Mood: vocal

hmmm well something just really upset me.. but my phone is dead so I cant call anyone, Steph is sleeping so I cant talk to her about it, so I am LJ-ing.

Stephanie has a bf who she IMs with all the time.. well he just sent her an IM while I was on the computer.. and I happened to see at the top a part where she said "hopefully Rachel wont be here". :[?? Umm isnt she the one that asked me to come up here with her? [Mt. Pleasant] If she wanted me to leave wouldnt she just tell me? Guess not. Well I feel dumb. Chris said he wanted me to come over today at like 3 so I guess she will just have to deal with me until then.

anywayyssssss update on the whole rehab thing.. umm I went to rehab lol. but it was good for me. I needed it. and I have been doing really well since then. Drinking of course but I haven't touched a drug since and I haven't had the desire to either. I feel a lot more in control and level headed. It makes me wonder if I was even an "addict" in the first place.. shouldn't this be more difficult?? I guess I shouldn't jinx myself.. forever is a long time. But yes I have been drinking and in rehab they told us if we continued to drink that it would just replace the original addiction but I have honestly been drinking less than I did before. I no longer drink every night or try to. I only go out when there is something in particular going on, not for the hell of it. I am actually pretty proud of myself, even though no one else is. Idk why I expected anyyone to pat me on the back for overcoming FUCKING DRUGS but I should have known no one was going to give a damn and that if I wanted a pat on the back I was going to have to be the one who does it.
EDIT: I just realized today is my 30 days clean mark. Yaay for me!!

I am talking to Chris again. Long story short I missed him [and seeing as I deleted his phone number last time we got into a little argument..] I couldn't call him. I decided to facebook message him one day, but when I got on facebook to do so he had already sent me one. So I hungout with him yesterday and was very nervous because I hadent seen him in a while and I was really worried it was going to be awkward or idk.. I just thought something was going to go wrong. Well it went quite the opposite.. I was very comfortable and he re-reminded me why I like him so much in the first place. There is just something about him that makes me feel.. hmm I really dont even know a word for it.
which is good, and bad.
I am finally single and HAPPY about it. and I have been talking to this other guy who is smoking hot. I really dont want to go back to being the person I was being with Chris before.. where I missed him when he was gone and I couldnt go to Mt. Pleasant.. and then I became this jealous bitch. like a literal bitch.
but I get to see him later today and then I get to see Lauren.. so thats good. You have to take life head on.. so here I go.

Steph, Cadence, and I went out to O'Kelleys and the Wayside last night.. it was fun but I havent been that drunk in like 2 months. I danced my ass off which I needed pretty badly, spent waaayyy too much money as usual, [why the fuck was I tipping $6 to the bartended? Who the fuck was I trying to show off to?], and started the habit of ordering vodka and cranberries which is a lot more slimming than bud lights all goddamned night. mm vodka. anyways I now have a slight headache which is only going to get worse, I think I may still be a bit intoxicated, I have a bruise on my leg, and got into a small fight with Stephanie last night about God knows what.. I think I said something rude to her and she didnt like it. Oh drunkenness.. how I have missed how interesting you can be without xanax. Seeing as Lauren will be bar-tending tonight I think I will have to go for round two.. see who else I can piss off. There is no reason to drink in Saginaw.. so I might as well get it done in Mt. Pleasant and Alma right??

I lost a total of 5lbs now in like a few days over a week. Im pretty excited about that and it may just be in my head but I can see it. Hopefully I stop making excuses for myself like "its the winter, I always gain weight" and just fucking continue eating better. I feel thinner today and I need to take my diet supplements now but I cant see them helping this hangover.. that is the thing I miss most about xanax.. pop two and your hangover is gone.

I think I am just babbling at this point. Guess I had a lot in my head that needed to come out.

Current Music: Bad Romance -Lady Gaga
Current Mood: headache

I am at a loss for words.
I mean literally, I have gone over, and over the dictionary in my head and I can't figure out with correct thing to say.
yet actions speak louder than words.
And when it happens, you best believe you'll know it.
and so theres nothing more to be said.

Current Music: Black and Blue -BMTH
Current Mood: creative

fuuuuuuccccckkk.
All I do is fuck up over and over and over again.
I cant do anything right.

Current Music: weeezzyy
Current Mood: disappointed

well I went out to eat with Alex[Alister] last night. Then we went to some group thing, and then went and stayed at his house in Owosso. Hes got a nice hottub here too [: [NO I am not a slut thank you so no thinking that way.] And tonight hes taking me to Grand Rapids for the biggest bar night wooooooooo. Hes a bit to christian for my taste sometimes, [Im actually listening to Red a christian rock band right now LOL.] but thats ok I probably need some religion in my effed up life. And we have good conversation. He's a generally fun person to be around.
Well this guy if you all don't remember is Danielle's Ex whom I lived with the both of them in Ohio at one point in time.
Danielle is also that Ex Bff of mine that left me in Standish with no way home.

Payback's a BITCH.

Current Mood: devious
Current Music: Breathe Into Me -Red

well I dont give a fuck what any one says but I am going to DOT for treatment. I am too fucked up. I just dont no when to go and i dont want to lose my job.. [my manager is beautiful]. cant do this again by my self again. and I miss my ex bf like crazy. I dont know why but I thinkn about him all the time. I am high as fuck and going to bed. I have no money and my life SUCKS. thats its.

Current Mood: high
Current Music: I remember -Deadmau5

I dont think I have been this upset in a long time. I am literally sick to my stomach and I am having a very difficult time stopping myself from vomiting.

at the moment my current dilema is that my mother said I could have MY bonds. I am in a bad financial situation seeing as I no longer have any sort of a family; they all just left me to carry on with their lives. I needed the money to get my car fixed so it would be easier for me to get a job in Bay City. Well come to find out my mother paid off a bill of mine without asking me first. with MY money. and then continued to tell me that I cant drive my car without insurance. OH so now you want to be a part of my life? when you can control what I can and cant do? but yet she already sent someone to start working on my car... why is the fuck would I pay to get my car fixed if I am not allowed to drive it? and I am sorry are we forgeting I no longer live with you and that I am not a child and I make my own decisions? she also involed my father and my step-mother who a few months back told me to kindly FUCK OFF and have yet to contact me since. Why would I want them involed? so she basically threw my money at me and told me not to contact her anymore. in the process of throwing my money at me she lost $50. thanks.. like I didnt need that.

on top of that I am a drunken idiot and in the past 3 days I manager to ruin anything that ever could have happened between Chris and I. Im not getting into specifics but needless to say I have no choice but to scurry away with my tail between my legs. and if you know me well I NEVER do that especally when it has to do with a boy.

in general I am just depressed at my situation as a whole. I live in a city I hate and have the worst luck getting a job. everyday I wake up wishing I hadent. I have lost most of the material things that I thought were important to me. I am trying desperatly to get back on my feet but its proving harder and harder as days go by. I no longer take xanax ever but I think I am going to need a few if I want to make it through the rest of the night.

the only option that gives me even a little bit of hope is I do have enough money to get to Florida to stay with Missy. There I can start over completely and hopefully make due with what I have. I have yet to talk to her though.

its getting to the point where I think most of the time I am better off dead.

Current Mood: depressed

so its pretty effing lame that the Residence Inn hires me and tells me that I am going to start this last saturday.. I meet all the managers and go pass my drug test.. and then bam they get new management and everything gets all fucked up.
so here I am waiting for this mothereffing phone call tell me whether I am going to start anytime soon or not.
Pending whether I have to work or not, Chris is going to pick me up Tuesday and take me out to eat. I know its kind of a lame thing for me to do to him, but I am making him pick where we go so that way I can see if he knows what I like yet or not. He says he has an "idea" of where, which means hes not going to tell me until we get there. but anyways I am going to stay in Mt. Pleasant until thursday, and then hes going to drive me back to lame ass Bay City. but at least I will spend most of this week away from BC.
I am really starting to like him. He seems almost too good to be true sometimes [besides the living distance]. But then again.. I get bored pretty easily. we will see.
I am in Saginaw visiting my mother for the first time in like over a month. been here for a couple of days. its just nice to see the house and have HBO and Showtime lol.
oh well I guess thats it for now.

Current Music: Get Out -The Vines
Current Mood: anxious

I'd have to say taking myself off of xanax was a hell of a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. and I couldnt be happier.
one day I just decided that if I dont buy it at all then it wont be there for me to take. [hello obvious]
so I didnt take buy any and kept breaking the one I had left into smaller and smaller pieces only when I absolutly had to until there was none left. and then I realized I didnt need it anymore. simple as that. why did I do this a long time ago?
I mean dont get me wrong, I had a lot of problems sleeping and I twitched A LOT. Esp when I was sleeping. and I was pretty down on myself for a week or so. but how I feel now is completely worth it. I had to relearn how to do anything from getting ready to getting drunk without xanax which was a little odd but now hard. I mean I was on it 24/7 for over 9 months. no wonder this year went by so fast.
I have taken xanax twice since I have been off it which has been quite sometime now. I am positive I wont relapse seeing as I am afraid to take it. I dont want to risk going down the road of addiction and terrible choices ever again.
needless to say I am proud of myself.
I did try acid though. and its nothing you would think it would be like.
its really hard to sum up in words. its the most insane drug I have ever tried in my entire life and yet the most beautiful and eye opening one as well. Id probably do it again but maybe not as much this time.
I had to see blake fucking hall when I did it and that was a complete buzz kill but whatever.

anyways enough about drugs.
Bay City fucking sucks. I am happy everytime I come to Saginaw. I never thought I would ever say that.
I got a job as a front desk representative at the Residence Inn. I just need to get my car fixed and save up a little bt of money and then I am going to move back to Saginaw in some shitty little apartment. But at least I can say it is MY home and I will be back in my hometown.

oh and of course there are plenty of cute boys in  life [:
I must say for the circumstances, life is going pretty well right now.
now back to getting ready for this Mary Kay party so I can get my free facial.

Current Music: Im not bald, Im just taller than my hair -Siren the Escape
Current Mood: content