| I don't know if anyone still reads this, but I think I'll try. |
[Jan. 10th, 2012|02:03 am]
the Chronically unlovable
|
Hi,
Well, in case no one reads this anymore and I'll just be sending this out into cyberspace without hearing from anyone, I won't talk too much about myself for this first entry. However, I do want to write here some more later, if you all don't mind. My name is Dawnielle. I'm a 28 yearold female. I've been single for the last... what... 16 months or so now almost, since september of 2010. My long term fiance, who's name is Herbie, and i had been together for almost seven years. To make a really long story short, he changed overnight into someone I didn't know anymore. He started becoming friends with a girl who used to be one of my best friends. They would talk and hang out a little at first, then over the period of about a month, she was staying over at our place so she didn't have to go back to her place almost every night. Never mind the fact that she lived three floors above us in the apartment building we lived in. Herbie would sleep on the floor of the bedroom he and I shared and i was supposed to share the bed with the girl who had been my friend. Her name is Chanelle. Anyway, i tried to talk to Herbie about this and about how we weren't spending any time together anymore, but he didn't seem to care. They kept spending more and more time together. Chanelle was deathly afraid of anything sexual, so I knew they couldn't be having sex, but Herbie was still cheating on me emotionally. He never admitted his feeling for her to me during our relationship, even though I asked him several times if he had them. He is so unaware of what his feelings are himself that I honestly think he didn't know that he liked Chanelle because he couldn't admit it to himself.
Chhanelle is a Seventh Day Adventist and started getting Herbie into that particular denomination. I am a Christian, but of no particular faith. He ahd been one up until the whole sevehth Day Adventist thing came up. Once she gave him a book to listen to on the subject, he couldn't put it down. He kept asking her questions about it and I grew resentful that they were spending so much time together and so much time talking about God, when he'd never been that into it before. A light switch had been flipped and he was completely the other way from how he had been previously. Again, i tried to talk to him aobut this whole issue with Chanelle and God. Herbie said I was making things up. For me, it was like watching someone slowly die and knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop it. Chanelle went home to visit her family once and the Herbie I had known previously started to return.Without Chanelle around, he was forced to spend time with me again. I got a little of my hope back abut us. September of 2010, Herbie told me that he wanted to get baptized and join the Seventh Day Adventist religion. He said I could join if I wanted. I said no way!! I had gone to a couple of church services to try to be supportive of him and had not agreed with their beliefs. He said fine, if I didn't want to be a part of the religion, I had to leave. i asked why. He said because we needed to be married so that we would not be living in sin. I said we couldn't get married. Herbie had made a bunch of really bad business decissions and we'd just gotten out of debt from those. I told him it would be pointless to marry at that point. We are both blind and when you're blind and choose to marry, social security takes away half of the money that each of you gets. Herbie didn't see my reasoning. He said fine, if I didn't want to marry, then I needed to move like now and I had two weeks to find a place. I looked everywhere in Minnesota where we were living, but there was no way I could find a place in Minnesota in two weeks. So, I called my mom and asked her to help me get a moving truck to haul all my stuff back to the washington/Oregon area where I grew up.
I left Minnesota and have been here in Oregon for the last year and a half almost. Though, I've been wanting to move back to Minnesota since I left it. The main reason is independence. I don't have a place of my own here and so I have to live with my mom and her husband. I had been on my own since I was 19, and m mom and her husband live way out in the sticks. There's no public transportation out here. My mom's husband is incredibly controlling and he controls what my mom does and does not do in mostareas of her life. Unfortunately for me, this includes me and how much time she spends taking me places, even if they're places I need to go. I have grandparents and my best friend and her family around here as well, but none of them live on bus lines. So, I feel very trapped. I've had one guy I was interested in over the summer, but he's decided he doesn't want a relationship. I'll write about him later. i am bi and I have a girl i've liked for years. She likes me too. However, she lives in Canada and this just makes it harder for us to see each other. She's very emotional and I'm not, so this makes it hard for me to relate to her. We have a lot of other differences that I don't think would work well in a relationship. As for Herbie, he called me on Skype in May of last year with Chanelle to inform me that they are married! So, yah, that's me in a very, very tiny nutshell. Nice to meet you all and thank you for reading, if you do.
Dawnielle |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2010|10:59 pm]
the Chronically unlovable
|
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
Well hey, I guess I am here with you. I have never been single before for any real length of time, but I need to be and so far it sucks. I just don't know what to do with my self. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|01:33 pm]
the Chronically unlovable
|
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
oh man now i've seen it all! public displays of affection running rampant in the computer lab! there has to be rules against this or something. Is no place safe from this scourge!?! i come to type a paper in peace and all i get is the equivalent of "no your shmoopie!" (Seinfeld reference) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|02:23 pm]
the Chronically unlovable
|
| [ | Current Music |
| | Teach Me Not To Love You - Triumph of Love | ] |
So I have been spending a lot of time with this one guy lately, even though I've been avoiding getting into a relationship for a long time, but I just couldn't get past him. I really enjoy spending time with him and I do want something to happen with him relationship wise eventually, but a two weeks ago we decided not to rush into anything and just stay single. So I suppose you'd consider it a casual thing.
But the past couple of days I've felt kind of akward around him, which hasn't happened before and now I'm stressing about it some and I really hate the feeling. This is one of the exact reasons I didn't want to get into anything: all the worrying and effort all for something that is not necessary right now.
I hate that. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|08:10 pm]
the Chronically unlovable
|
Sometimes when I think about it, it's not so bad being single.
All you have to worry about is yourself, which is a full time job in my case.
There's a whole lot less drama.
You don't have to worry about being used or heart brokened.
And if you go to a party you can make out with whoever you want (not my thing).
Oh my fucking god I'm an idiot. |
|
|
| Guess I should say hello! |
[Mar. 5th, 2005|11:22 pm]
the Chronically unlovable
|
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | placebo - 20 years | ] |
Umm.. Hi :)
I'm Rachel and have literally just stumbled across this community. I live in the UK and am 20. Don't exactly know what else to say other than I love music, photography and believe it or not.. people! (I'm not snobbish or icy, promise!) I've been single forever and...um.. Hello!
*** |
|
|
| Hi |
[Mar. 3rd, 2005|11:05 am]
the Chronically unlovable
|
I was looking around, and saw this community, and thought I'd like to holler random isolation-related statements to. But not today, because it's been plaguing me long enough and I don't want to make myself ill again.
I will ask this, though: is anyone else disturbed by the way people completely turn themselves off after yo've poured your heart out to them? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2005|06:32 pm]
the Chronically unlovable
|
Yeah, so I can understand that you're leaving and you won't really have much time to bother with me especially with your new girlfriend. That's cool,
I understand that you in fact don't want to bother with me at all, I don't really like it, but I can understand it and accept it,
However,
Was it really necessary to not give me a decent goodbye? All I'd ask for would be a short conversation where you didn't try to point out my every flaw to make me feel bad and a nice hug goodbye. I'll never see you again and all I got was a phone call that I initiated to find out you'd already deleted me from your life where any real talk was avoided.
I just thought that after we've been a large part of eachother's lives for 2 1/2 years, despite the bad things, as friend or more or less, why did I not deserve a short, neutral goodbye?
That is all. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2004|11:53 pm]
the Chronically unlovable
|
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I'm really happy I'm so useful. Who knew I'd be so fucking handy? It's not like I have feelings or anything. So go ahead tell me you care and love me, trick me into making you feel like your shit don't stink and then fucking slap me in the face when you tell me "I love her". That feels really nice. Truely, it does. I think I like it. I like being used, I like being sucked dry and lied to. The truth hurts. So please, anyone, if you need a stupid girl that will believe every word you say then get in touch with me. I'll be dumb enough to give you my everything until you don't need me anymore. At least I found my purpose.
The only thing love taught me was how to hate. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2004|05:25 pm]
the Chronically unlovable
|
Alright, I don't know who reads this anymore, but I feel a need to post this.
Even when you haven't technically been 'with' someone for a long time, if you still really care about them and they cut you off it hurts a lot. The passage below is from Bridget Jone's Diary and explained to me why my self-esteem has been so down lately. I feel better lately though, especially after reading the book. Thanksgiving gave me a good break and I barely thought about it at all, how about that?
"When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts which adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed-over British Rail sandwich?"
Oh, bloody hell, I'm pathetic. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
