| dear friends |
[15 Oct 2007|01:51pm] |
Can I just tell you how much I love you guys? To those of you who have recently been there for me or made me laugh or shown me you need me, I am so glad to have you.
If you recently spent your lunch hour lending me an ear, or voluntarily spent 1/2 hour texting me to make sure I was okay while you were out with your friends (both the same person), if you recently commented on my facebook or sent me a myspace message saying hey I miss you, if you agreed to write old school letters because we just don't have time to talk anymore, if you called me the second you got back from your honeymoon in jamaica and told me to chill the fuck out (you have no idea how happy that made me), if you agreed to drive up from provo just to go to a haunted house with me, if you offered to help me move and even brought over a tape measure to make sure my furniture would fit without me even asking you to, if you transported my bed for me (my parents), if you recently bought me a present for no apparent reason other than that you were thinking of me, if you called me for advice and consolation, if you lifted my spirits by instant messaging me with a lot of laughter while you were going through hard times yourself, if you sought me out and apologized for how you treated me four years ago (two people), to 3 of my dearest friends who have been a mutual source of support and laughter this week when we needed it, or if you just plain have been posting bulletins that have had me cracking up (and chances are you have), I want to say Thank You.
All of those things have happened for me recently, mostly just in this past week. I am feeling much happier and more loved than I did a week or two ago, and I've remembered/realized how loved I am and how many people truly care about me. And I mostly want to say thank you to the people have stuck with me through this summer, even though I ignored and neglected a lot of my closest friends. I found out who truly loves me and who doesn't because in the end the people who wanted me were still there, they understood and forgave me for not being there for them all summer. I'm sorry.
And to my new friends (mostly May and onward), I wish we were closer. I feel left out of a lot of things even though I know I'm welcome to join. I want you to know that I truly care about you and want to be better friends instead of just hanging out at bars together once every week or so.
And to all of my old friends, I mean old friends that I really never talk to, there is a reason you can still read this. I want us to stay friends for life, but I want us to talk and play and be active in each other's lives, not just be a familiar face online.
And to my broken relationships, I miss you and this is stupid. Let's forget about it.
Love, Niki
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| realizations on a day sick in bed |
[28 Sep 2007|07:35pm] |
I took the day off work today because I have been getting progressively sicker throughout the week, and my LSAT is tomorrow. I didn't want to jeopardize my chances, and its a damn good thing I stayed home cause I was sick to my stomach until 3am last night and I've needed to be in bed all day. Thank god for my phone with the internet on it (and now apparently I can download myspace onto it for free?)
Laying here has allowed me to spend a day under the covers just thinking about everything, making up stories and being happy. Its let me realize a few things, like the fact that I am peaceful at this moment but that I am not usually, and its made me wonder why I am not usually. I think its because laying here thinking to myself all morning has allowed me to be completely honest with myself, and that is what is making me peaceful.
See, in real life I am very afraid to be myself because I am so afraid of judgment. I've been wondering why, and I think it has much to do with how much hate has been thrown at me the past few years, from the kids at my church in senior year of high school to my family this past summer, and everyone inbetween. I basically just can't take being put down anymore. I mean, of course there are the normal things, like I can't expect everybody to think everything about me is awesome, but that's different from being told I'm fat and need a nose job and that my ideas are ridiculous like I have been getting told.
This past summer my brother asked me several times why I don't tell him more about the deeper things inside me, and I told him it was because he makes fun of every single little thing about my outside, from my clothes to my friends to the music I listen to, so why would I trust him with the important stuff? He said that the reason he makes fun of those things is because they're unimportant, but that if I told him important things he would take that into consideration and be more respectful. I still don't trust him due to other things, but that makes sense.
Last night I spent some time texting a friend who knows a secret about me, and for the first time in a very long time I was being very open about what made me angry and how I realy felt. It felt really good to be so honest, and I think I feel so good today because she didn't judge me; she understood. And even if she didn't understand some things, she asked for clarification or told me she disagreed and here's why, but never made fun of me or made me feel stupid. I haven't had that in a long time and I am grateful for it.
Its not like I've been being dishonest lately, that's not what I mean by it feels good to be honest, it just feels good to be SO honest and be myself, instead of testing the waters with something simple and realizing I shouldn't give anything else away because I will be hurt if I do.
There are still a lot of things I have bottled up inside me, about everything in the world, including what I was talking to my friend about last night, that I'm afraid I will be judged on and disliked and put down for, and that is why I am not fully peaceful. But it feels good to be able to BE honest and instead of being put down for thinking the way I do, instead being shown that there is another way of looking at things and maybe I've mistaken something. That is, only if I have truly mistaken something or if you can back it up nicely. Not those girls and guys who have just said "you're overreacting and it pisses me off" and then being against me for it, without offering any explanation or helping me at all. Seriously, if I'm coming to you for help it means I trust you, if I'm disclosing something to you then respect that! Don't make me feel sorry that I ever trusted you. Does this make sense? Does anyone want any clarification? I am so glad I've disabled anonymous posting (see what an effect broken trust has had on me?). I'm sure many other people feel the way I do, it actually kind of makes me glad to think so because then I'm not such an alien. I think maybe I've just been surrounded by the wrong people the past few years.
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| Hey Sandy Ay Ay Ay Ay |
[28 Sep 2007|07:47am] |
You know what I would love to have as my ringtone? The theme to Pete & Pete (Hey Sandy by Polaris). If anybody finds it let me know!
Hey smilin' strange
You're lookin' happily deranged
Can you settle to shoot me?
Or have you picked your target yet?
Hey Sandy ay ay ay ay!
Don't you talk back
Hey Sandy
*GUITAR SOLO!*
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