| you've been sweet to me. |
[Aug. 22nd, 2012|01:30 pm]
Russell
|
I've always been terrified of losing everthing in the journal. I've also gotten sick of my images slowly breaking over the years, since they're all external links. And I've always been confused as to whether people see ads on my journal these days. Most of this started when LiveJournal was bought out. I'm thankful for how they mostly kept their policies and featured consistent, but I still worry about losing everything. I'm taking it into my own hands now and migrating to my own domain. This way I know I will never lose everything, as well as have the ability to back everything up in case something does go wrong. It will be a nice refreshment to my journal. But I will never forget LiveJournal.
http://journal.rruffles.com |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2012|02:39 pm]
Russell
|
|
I've never been so torn between two things in my entire life. I can't handle this. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2012|10:05 pm]
Russell
|
|
I can't figure out if I'm starting to believe want I want to believe, or what I truly believe. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2012|08:53 pm]
Russell
|
|
You’ve got to find the truth, and when you find that truth, you’ll find that that truth doesn’t budge, until the truth you’ve found begins to change. And it does. And when you love the truth enough, you start to tell it all the time, and when it gets you into trouble, you’ll discover you don’t mind. |
|
|
| when we fell |
[Jul. 10th, 2012|04:15 pm]
Russell
|
With the threat of hell hanging over my head like a halo,
I was made to believe in a couple of beautiful truths,
That eventually had the effect of completely unraveling,
The powerful curse put on me by you.
When you set the table,
And when you chose the scale,
Did you write a riddle,
that you knew they would fail?
Did you make them tremble,
so they would tell the tale?
Did you push us when when we fell?
If my mother cries when I tell her what I have discovered,
then I hope she remembers she taught me to follow my heart.
And if you bully her like you've done me with fear of damnation,
Then I hope she can see you for what you are.
What am I afraid of?
Whom did I betray?
In what medieval kingdom,
does justice work this way?
If you knew what would happen,
And made us just the same,
Then you, my Lord, can take the blame. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2012|12:37 am]
Russell
|
I haven't used my computer in about a week. I had windows scattered all over the screen. I tried to quit all of the open programs and got an alert from TextEdit: "Would you like to save this message?"
I looked on my screen and saw writing I did not recognize. I don't know who did this. But there it was. A message specifically written to me.
love is the best thing we can ever have.
love is also the worst thing that can destroy us.
deep in our DNA we are programmed
not to kill ourselves.
or so i hear…
you deserve the best.
even if times you feel like the worst.
i don't know who you are, but i love you.
if i could save a hug between
this computer screen and
the keyboard i would.
i think we all wish we could
wake up to a message like this.
that's why i wrote this for you.
you matter. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2012|10:44 pm]
Russell
|
|
I never chose between sides. I never chose between two. I just wanted you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2012|12:24 pm]
Russell
|
|
Once in a while the cool breeze makes the summer seem cold. Once in a while you forget everything that you're told. Spent the night without a cent to your name, everybody was happy you came, and youʼre gone. One more for the road. Once in a while her best dress looks tattered and torn. Sheʼs got an ace up her sleeve, blackjack, but sheʼs already won. She could never get to one million, so you tell her just to count to one, and youʼre gone. One more for the road. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2012|12:35 am]
Russell
|
I feel so many emotions. It's so hard to deal with so many emotions. I'm so emotional, but there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so strongly, yet nothing I can do will calm them. They're passionate. They're angry. They're wonderful. They're terrible. They're so normal, but so misunderstood.
It's like I never learned to love. No one ever walked me through it. No one taught me how to do it. No one told me that it's real, and it's not enough to feel, it's not enough to promise, it's not enough to try.
You misunderstand them so terribly that I have no idea how to react. They're so right, yet you think they're so wrong. You think I'm wrong. You think I'm selfish, yet all I want is to make you happy.
All I want is to be happy. Maybe I've spent so long putting off my own priorities, not being satisfied, that I'm losing sight of what wanting to make you happy feels like. But I don't think that's true. That's the trap. It makes me so upset that you feel that way. No one has ever felt that way. Thinking about it just makes me hurt.
I'm sitting here late at night going through your stuff. I'm just trying to make you happy. Yet you don't even make half the effort to make me happy. How could you call me selfish? I can't continue to think about it or I will begin to become selfish. I do my best to make you happy, but I can't do any better than my best. I think you will come around some day. I love you. It shows, but you can't see it. I hope that you will see it some day.
If you don't, I will continue. I'm hardened and calloused, but that's what allows me to survive. It makes me dull. It might make me unpleasant, but it allows me to survive. Maybe if you can penetrate my shell, I'll know you're worth it.
I'm so hopeless for you, but so unconvinced. I'm so torn. Everything in me says you're perfect, and that's exactly why I'm not convinced. I will wait for you to tear my world apart to know for sure.
I just wish you knew how much I'm not satisfied. Then maybe you wouldn't call me selfish. Then maybe you wouldn't hurt me like you do.
I get to the point that I have so many things pent up inside of me that I need to get out, but the more I try to let them out, the more distorted they get.
Nobody's free. Even the birds are chained to the sky. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2012|11:24 pm]
Russell
|
"Okay, well next time I start panting, you are probably doing something right. Next time I orgasm and kick you off of me, you probably did something right.
You want to know the secret?
It's all about the lead up. Keep our clothes on until the last minute. Slowly peel my clothes off. Kiss me gently and sweetly, everywhere! Tease me. Make me squirm, but only for a split second, then tickle me silly in all the right places. Smooooth over my whole body with your hands. Grab me, lick me, touch me, and I will be done! Then lay and breathe it all in." |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2012|08:22 pm]
Russell
|
|
I deliver my truth hot and hard. Fast and furious. So either accept it without hesitation or get out of the way, because somebody might get hurt, and it's not going to be me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2012|12:42 am]
Russell
|
|
I fell in love with a girl today. That hasn't happened in a long time. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2012|01:48 am]
Russell
|
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
Sometimes I feel like I am drunk behind the wheel. The wheel of possibility, however it may roll, give it a spin. See if you can somehow factor in. You know there's always more than one way to say exactly what you mean to say.
It might not be the right time; I might not be the right one. But there's something about us I want to say, because there's something between us anyway.
Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind? How could I have ever been so blind? I was waiting for an indication. It was hard to find. Doesn't matter what I say, only what I do. I never mean to do bad things to you. It's so quiet, but I finally woke up. If you're sad, then it's time you spoke up, too. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2012|11:55 am]
Russell
|
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
I don't understand why people have no respect for plans. It's the most frustrating thing in all of existence. Literally. There is absolutely nothing more frustrating. Is it really that difficult to spend time with me? We organized this AHEAD of time! Now because whatever in your life is so important that you have to blow me off for it, I have nothing to do. If you would have just said no when we decided to do something, I could have freaking found someone else to do something with. Someone who values me and my time enough to have some respect for me and how I feel. The part that absolutely blows my mind is how people do this on a regular basis. You would think I would learn from these people. Ugh.
I hate people. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2012|11:21 pm]
Russell
|
|
I hate my life right now. School blows. I have so many things more important in my life that I should be spending time on and I can't. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2012|08:35 pm]
Russell
|
Some say the blacker the better, the sweeter the juice
I say the the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
I care, if don't nobody else care
I know they like to beat you down a lot
When you come around the block brothers clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nothing don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sister you don't need him
And I ain't trying to gas you up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy
When brothers make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, why do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
that will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up
I remember Marvin Gaye, used to sing to me
He had me feeling like black was the thing to be
And suddenly the ghetto didn't seem so tough
And though we had it rough, we always had enough
I huffed and puffed about my curfew and broke the rules
Ran with the local crew, and had a smoke or two
And I realize momma really paid the price
She nearly gave her life, to raise me right
And all I had to give her was my pipe dream
Of how I'd rock the mic, and make it to the bright screen
I'm trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents
It's hard to be legit and still pay the rent
And in the end it seems I'm heading for the pen
I try and find my friends, but they're blowing in the wind
Last night my buddy lost his whole family
It's gonna toke the man in me to conquer this insanity
It seems the rain'll never let up
I try to keep my head up, and still keep from getting wet up
You know it's funny when it rains it pours
They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor
Say there ain't no hope for the youth and the truth is
it ain't no hope for the future
And then they wonder why we're crazy
I blame my mother, for turning my brother into a crack baby
We ain't meant to survive, cause it's a setup
And even though you're fed up
You got to keep your head up
To all the ladies having babies on they own
I know it's kinda rough and you're feeling all alone
daddy's long gone and he left you by you lonesome
thank the Lord for my kids, even if nobody else want them
Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I'm sure
And if you fall, stand toll and come back for more
Cause ain't nothing worse then when your son
wants to know why his daddy don't love him no more
You can't complain you was dealt this
hell of a hand without a man, feeling helpless
Because there's too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless
While the tears are rolling down your cheeks
you steady hoping things don't fall down this week
Cause if it did, you couldn't toke it, and don't blame me
I was given this world I didn't make it
And now my son's getting older and older and cold
From having the world on his shoulders
While the rich kids are driving Benz
I'm still trying to hold on to my surviving friends
And it's crazy, it seems it'll never let up, but
please...
you got to keep your head up |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2011|03:11 am]
Russell
|
|
Wow, I hate girls. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2011|06:20 pm]
Russell
|
| [ | music |
| | db sn | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | desktop | ] |
When you love the truth enough you start to tell it all the time, and when it gets you into trouble, you discover you don’t mind. Because if good is finally gonna trump, then man you gotta take your stock and you gotta take your loans or else they trickle down into someone else’s cup below, you know. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2011|09:05 am]
Russell
|
|
Life is so beautiful, even when it sucks. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2011|01:47 am]
Russell
|
|
You didn't see the thing because you don't know how to look. And you don't know how to look because you don't know the names. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2011|04:19 am]
Russell
|
|
Oh, how I've neglected you. But don't worry. I will never forget you. |
|
|
| And the kids? Well they make me happy. |
[Jun. 8th, 2011|12:39 am]
Russell
|
|
I am glad, I am glad, I am glad.
You look at certain parts of your life and cringe inside thinking about how shitty that time span was: 6th grade, these certain few weeks, being 14, the months or years following a huge fight with your parents. Just thinking about them, I feel nauseous. It doesn’t matter that they’re over. It doesn’t matter that they were long ago. I look back and just feel a dark, dark feeling of distress. And I am now leaving one of these shitty darknesses that I will dread to look back upon. Not because of something that happened. Not because of this or that. Not because of someone or lack of someone, but because so many things align at once to make your life completely unenjoyable. Each day is a dark trudge, and the days don’t get any better no matter what you do. But you know it will pass. But that takes time and does no good. And that time doesn’t end.
But I’m done with that. And the kids? Well they make me happy. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2011|04:42 am]
Russell
|
|
I'VE suffered for YOUR satisfaction. |
|
|
| who she is |
[Jun. 3rd, 2011|03:57 am]
Russell
|
| [ | mood |
| |  broken | ] |
I understand it.I've been there. Don't think I don't think about that everyday; and obviously it's not who I am supposed to be with, or i would still be there. BUT She literally has no idea what she's doing. So there's no guarantee that it's destiny.
It could be her own foolishness that is keeping us apart when we're supposed to be, but I'm not saying we're supposed to be. I'm only saying it hurts more than I want to ever think about, because of where i am in life.
And only that and who she is.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2011|02:48 am]
Russell
|
|
How can you rope God into something that hurts so much? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2011|09:49 am]
Russell
|
|
Some days you feel like you've come so far, and other days you feel as if you haven't gone anywhere at all. |
|
|
| immutable pain, resolute regret |
[Jun. 1st, 2011|02:47 am]
Russell
|
I can feel a separation forming. My self-defense kicks in. I am much more aware of my own needs, rather than an all-consuming, self-sacrificing, and insatiable need. My emotions are in tune.
I am aware of them. I can detect them. I can detect my need to have others around. When I do, I am satisfied. When I do not, I despair.
I can feel a separation forming. When before I was so adamant on being independent, autonomous, and individual, I quickly latched on. The hard part is getting ripped off. And where I had so quickly began to rely and depend, I am beginning to stand taller again. It certainly doesn't feel better. It certainly doesn't feel the same. I am not happy as I was before. I am not confident as I was before. But I am accepting my individualism again. Regrettably so, but accepting. I no longer rely on my idea of you. I no longer value your opinion. I no longer care for your attention. I wish it were not so, but it is so. And it is inevitable.
The pains that were so painful before that I knew would grow more painful over time--the lack of memories, the loss of opportunity, the wasted time, and worse yet, the time we never had--are not growing more painful as I thought they would, but fading away.
What should be a sharp pain is extreme disappointment, and what should be a direct pain is a mild, dull, and extremely deep pain that is very much hidden away, but very much immutable.
These are not the things I can change, but the things I wished had turned out differently. The positive aspect of it all--that I am more so myself than ever before, and surely I will never see anything here but regret, but in turn, I will shine brighter than I could have before. |
|
|
| sky |
[May. 31st, 2011|09:43 pm]
Russell
|
| [ | mood |
| | hopeless | ] |
Is everything alright? You feeling moany? You feeling lonely? You're not the only. Is everything alright? You feeling stormy? You feeling phoney? You're not the only.
Do you get up up up? Clouds stop and move above me. Too bad they can't help me. What is the right way? Do I float up up up? When I stop and look around me, grey is where the color should be. What is the right way?
Old glasses clinking and a new order's blinking and I--I should be floating, but I'm weighted by thinking that I got on the river. I really can't make you change, and the sky gets filled up too fast, and the taxi man's saying, "You better give me some money; stop daydreaming, dude!" When the point of horizon is hiding from you: what would you want sky?
Are you taking it lightly? Lost in the flurries. You start to worry. You will be buried taking it lightly. And so I hurry. I start to worry. Here come the flurries.
Is everything alright? You feeling lonely? You feeling moldy? You're not the only.
What would I want? Sky. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2011|01:25 am]
Russell
|
It hurts too much to think about.
No matter what.
So I just can't think about it. |
|
|
| I was fine until I saw her in a dress. |
[May. 28th, 2011|05:14 am]
Russell
|
You've taught me a lot. You've taught me a lot about myself. You taught me how to need you. Then you taught me how to need myself. You taught me that no one can contain me. No one can change me and force me into the person they want me to be. I will never be able to be anyone but the unique person that I am, following no standards, no styles, no trends.
"Russell, I just don't get you. Things that I expect you to think are lame, you think are cool, and things that I would think you might think are awesome, you say are really gay." Someone told me this once, and I always repeated it as a joke, but in a moment deep in thought, it seems relevant in that it's exactly how I live, even if only subconsciously. I do everything I can to be my own person: I want to be original and when being original is unoriginal, then I throw it to the wind.
You taught me that no one who doesn't accept me for exactly who I am will ever be good enough for me. Including you. I will change for those who I love, but they cannot change who I am. I knew how to love myself. You taught me how to love myself even when you didn't love who I was; how to love myself when other people don't love who I am.
You taught me how to need, then you forced me to need to not need.
You taught me to never trust those younger than me. Respect them. But don't trust them. And certainly do not rely on them. Now that I think about this, everyone has taught me this. Yet you made me realize it.
You taught me hopelessness. You taught me to realize my entire life has been a waste. You took the contentment I had worked so hard for so many years to build. And now I don't really know where to go with that. You taught me that a week can last for months in your mind, literally; that a day of movement can be a year of thoughts.
You taught me to need something that doesn't exist outside of my own imagination. Then you taught me to need that need, even when it's gone.
You taught me that I have so much to teach. Yet you taught me that those who need to know rarely listen. You taught me that perfection exists. You also taught me that it is unobtainable. You taught me beauty. Inner. Outer.
You taught me that I have an extremely deep, almost endless need to invest myself in others, to rely, to commit, to need. And you taught me that I can't live without this.
You taught me to look ahead. You taught me to feel long-term. You can never see that until it's over.
So what else do you have to teach me?
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2011|04:13 am]
Russell
|
|
No more like half a strange and wasted summer. But the afternoons were sweet at least. She said she liked me now, I said I meant it. We did it cause we wanted to. She did it cause she wanted me. But she didn't I could tell. And ended just as well--as it had started. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2011|02:06 pm]
Russell
|
And you know you're never sure, but you're sure you could be right.
I never let on that I was on a sinking ship. I never let on that I was down. You blame yourself for what you can't ignore, you blame yourself for wanting more.
She's the one for me.
She's all I really need.
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2011|08:31 pm]
Russell
|
|
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2011|01:26 am]
Russell
|
[5/19/11 11:46:41 PM] Russell Strauss: decent
[5/19/11 11:46:42 PM] Russell Strauss: weird
[5/19/11 11:46:53 PM] Jane Howard: how so?
[5/19/11 11:47:47 PM] Russell Strauss: I've just been all over
[5/19/11 11:47:51 PM] Russell Strauss: doing random things
[5/19/11 11:47:56 PM] Russell Strauss: and I haven't been feeling good
[5/19/11 11:48:02 PM] Jane Howard: why not?
[5/19/11 11:49:27 PM] Russell Strauss: because of Casey
[5/19/11 11:49:30 PM] Russell Strauss: and not having people around
[5/19/11 11:49:44 PM] Russell Strauss: and seeing all my friends and then coming back to work
[5/19/11 11:49:50 PM] Jane Howard: what's the story with that, if you don't mind me axing
[5/19/11 11:49:50 PM] Russell Strauss: and in the city where everyone is gone
[5/19/11 11:50:13 PM] Russell Strauss: well, she broke up with me
[5/19/11 11:50:17 PM] Russell Strauss: there's not really a story
[5/19/11 11:50:22 PM] Jane Howard: :( I'm sorry russell
[5/19/11 11:50:27 PM] Jane Howard: that ain't coo
[5/19/11 11:50:45 PM] Russell Strauss: it's not cool at all
[5/19/11 11:50:57 PM] Jane Howard: it's gettin to you?
[5/19/11 11:51:06 PM] Russell Strauss: yeah
[5/19/11 11:51:42 PM] Russell Strauss: I haven't met a girl that's worth my time in years
[5/19/11 11:51:53 PM] Russell Strauss: I haven't even had a girlfriend in college
[5/19/11 11:52:02 PM] Russell Strauss: and I finally find someone who is perfect
[5/19/11 11:52:27 PM] Russell Strauss: I mean I know everyone says that when they first get with someone, but I mean it. I know what I want, and she was exactly it
[5/19/11 11:53:10 PM] Jane Howard: I'm sorry. relationships are really weird. that's what I've decided this year
[5/19/11 11:53:58 PM] Russell Strauss: I don't get it
[5/19/11 11:54:00 PM] Russell Strauss: like
[5/19/11 11:54:05 PM] Russell Strauss: we got along perfectly
[5/19/11 11:54:21 PM] Russell Strauss: why does a girl break up with someone when things are going amazingly?
[5/19/11 11:54:58 PM] Jane Howard: why did she break it off? like what were her reasons for it?
[5/19/11 11:55:23 PM] Russell Strauss: I don't really know
[5/19/11 11:55:26 PM] Russell Strauss: she said
[5/19/11 11:55:59 PM] Russell Strauss: that with her leaving for school next year, she doesn't want to have a commitment that will take away from this exciting new part of her life
[5/19/11 11:56:46 PM] Jane Howard: hmmmm
[5/19/11 11:57:08 PM] Jane Howard: I mean, I know it's hard, but maybe it'll be good to give her space for a little while, you know? like that doesn't mean things are over for good
[5/19/11 11:57:22 PM] Russell Strauss: well
[5/19/11 11:57:30 PM] Russell Strauss: that's kind of what she said
[5/19/11 11:57:42 PM] Russell Strauss: but in my experience, that's always how it's been
[5/19/11 11:58:10 PM] Russell Strauss: they always say "I'm not ready for a relationship," but you can't just wait for them and then things just work out later on
[5/19/11 11:58:15 PM] Russell Strauss: it just never happens like that
[5/19/11 11:58:32 PM] Jane Howard: haha seriously I totally feel you on that one. it's really frustrating
[5/19/11 11:59:28 PM] Russell Strauss: basically she has a few superficial things that she really values
[5/19/11 11:59:41 PM] Russell Strauss: she has this very specific image of the guy of her dreams
[5/19/11 11:59:47 PM] Russell Strauss: the way he dresses
[5/19/11 11:59:52 PM] Russell Strauss: the music he listens to
[5/19/11 11:59:59 PM] Russell Strauss: the things he's interested in
[5/20/11 12:00:20 AM] Russell Strauss: and we agree on some things
[5/20/11 12:00:23 AM] Jane Howard: do you think you'd want to be with someone like that?
[5/20/11 12:00:31 AM] Russell Strauss: but very much disagree on others
[5/20/11 12:00:34 AM] Russell Strauss: well here's the thing
[5/20/11 12:00:39 AM] Russell Strauss: I don't really care about that
[5/20/11 12:00:57 AM] Russell Strauss: I don't care if we disagree on music, as long as she is open to mine
[5/20/11 12:01:02 AM] Russell Strauss: and I will be open to hers
[5/20/11 12:01:11 AM] Russell Strauss: and we have a lot of mutual interests too!
[5/20/11 12:01:40 AM] Russell Strauss: but us disagreeing on things like that got the idea in her head that it will create other problems down the road
[5/20/11 12:02:00 AM] Russell Strauss: and so she just got this idea in her head that it wouldn't work out
[5/20/11 12:02:07 AM] Russell Strauss: and that's when things stopped working
[5/20/11 12:02:15 AM] Russell Strauss: because she was no longer interested in me for me
[5/20/11 12:03:32 AM] Jane Howard: well don't you think that's kind of a problem?
[5/20/11 12:03:55 AM] Jane Howard: like if she wasn't going to like you for who you are then would you really want to be with her?
[5/20/11 12:04:11 AM] Russell Strauss: no, because they're all superficial
[5/20/11 12:04:50 AM] Jane Howard: yeah, but if she has stock in superficial things like you said, then don't you think that kind of would be an issue? at least on her end?
[5/20/11 12:04:54 AM] Russell Strauss: they're not issues that matter, such as how well we get along, how our personalities fit together, etc.
[5/20/11 12:05:08 AM] Russell Strauss: but she's not superficial at all
[5/20/11 12:05:37 AM] Russell Strauss: she just is too young to realize that she's doing that. it's justified in her mind
[5/20/11 12:06:16 AM] Russell Strauss: which I understand, but she doesn't yet understand relationships to know
[5/20/11 12:06:38 AM] Jane Howard: so maybe she has some growing up to do before things could really work out. that's something I've learned fa sho. like I always want to grow with people, but it doesn't work. you have to figure it out on your own a little bit first, know what I'm sayin?
[5/20/11 12:10:07 AM] Russell Strauss: well
[5/20/11 12:10:31 AM] Russell Strauss: I mean I don't understand why she doesn't want to be with me because of that
[5/20/11 12:10:43 AM] Russell Strauss: like I have tons to teach her just about life in general
[5/20/11 12:11:14 AM] Russell Strauss: I'm just going to become another guy to her
[5/20/11 12:11:18 AM] Russell Strauss: and that's so unfair
[5/20/11 12:13:28 AM] Russell Strauss: let me show you something that she posted about me that I found a few weeks ago
[5/20/11 12:14:29 AM] Jane Howard: I know, I really do. earlier this year, I was kind of heading in a relationship direction with this guy, and then he basically shut me down. and it was a whole thing of how we would be growing together, not like on our own, and that wasn't a good thing. and I thought that was really dumb, and he was totally wrong. and I'm kind of a stubborn person sometimes, but he was totally right. like I totally felt like I had a ton to learn from him, and vice versa. but I'm so glad that it played out that way, it wouldn't have worked out then if we had been in a relationship, but now I'm definitely more prepared for a relationship and blah blah blah. and he's still really important in my life, and I am in his. so you won't just become another guy
[5/20/11 12:14:41 AM] Jane Howard: sorry if that was long and you don't really care, but it reminds me of your situation
[5/20/11 12:18:08 AM] Russell Strauss: why wouldn't I care?
[5/20/11 12:18:15 AM] Russell Strauss: but see that's the thing
[5/20/11 12:18:24 AM] Russell Strauss: what you're saying is totally true
[5/20/11 12:18:28 AM] Russell Strauss: and I know it
[5/20/11 12:18:37 AM] Russell Strauss: I know it because I've been there.
[5/20/11 12:18:58 AM] Jane Howard: haha I don't mean it like that, I just meant that it was long and might not sound as relevant as it did in my head
[5/20/11 12:19:16 AM] Russell Strauss: I'm very careful about making blind claims because I'm too interested in someone to see obvious flaws in the relationship
[5/20/11 12:19:49 AM] Russell Strauss: but I've been so careful up to this point that I've been there so many times
[5/20/11 12:20:02 AM] Russell Strauss: and this was finally the time that I didn't have any of those problems
[5/20/11 12:20:08 AM] Russell Strauss: and she still rejected me
[5/20/11 12:20:15 AM] Russell Strauss: and that's why I'm so upset about it
[5/20/11 12:21:22 AM] Russell Strauss: There was something that she posted less than a month ago. It was "10 things you'd want to say to people close to you"
[5/20/11 12:21:26 AM] Russell Strauss: and the first one was about me
[5/20/11 12:21:34 AM] Russell Strauss: it doesn't say my name, but it's about me
[5/20/11 12:21:38 AM] Russell Strauss: and it said
[5/20/11 12:21:39 AM] Russell Strauss: "I have no clue where I would be without you now. Our relationship couldn’t have come at a better time. You’re the full package and are such a blessing. I can’t wait to get to know you even more. (I can’t wait to live 5 minutes away from you :D :D :D)"
[5/20/11 12:22:15 AM] Russell Strauss: And I don't understand why she would say "it couldn't have come at a better time" and then break up with me because of the timing
[5/20/11 12:23:23 AM] Jane Howard: man russell I'm really sorry
[5/20/11 12:24:09 AM] Jane Howard: honestly though, it could really be for the best. she has a ton of growing to do. think of how much (I'm guessing) you changed even within your first semester of college
[5/20/11 12:25:12 AM] Russell Strauss: well I haven't really changed all that much.
[5/20/11 12:25:19 AM] Russell Strauss: I'm definitely in a different place though.
[5/20/11 12:25:25 AM] Jane Howard: yeah that's what I mean
[5/20/11 12:25:31 AM] Russell Strauss: I've changed internally
[5/20/11 12:25:33 AM] Jane Howard: like you learned a lot about yourself and alla dat
[5/20/11 12:25:53 AM] Russell Strauss: right. but I don't think it has affected my relationships though
[5/20/11 12:26:05 AM] Russell Strauss: I think she will change a lot
[5/20/11 12:26:17 AM] Russell Strauss: that being said though, she is extremely mature
[5/20/11 12:26:39 AM] Russell Strauss: it's just so frustrating that something so good lasted for so short
[5/20/11 12:27:01 AM] Russell Strauss: I know everything happens for a reason, but I'm so sick of telling myself that.
[5/20/11 12:27:27 AM] Russell Strauss: it's not like this is just one thing getting me down for a short period. I'm just sick of being alone for years.
[5/20/11 12:29:20 AM] Jane Howard: yeah, I feel ya. I mean I've never been in a relationship, so I know what you mean about being alone. but I've learned a lot how valuable my friendships are, regardless of whether or not I'm with someone
[5/20/11 12:30:15 AM] Jane Howard: and the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing, it sucks to tell yourself that for sure. but seriously, it's so true. that's the story of my life, crappy situations that I let get me down. but looking back, I'm so glad they've happened
[5/20/11 12:31:02 AM] Russell Strauss: I know
[5/20/11 12:31:05 AM] Russell Strauss: and that's what I do
[5/20/11 12:31:21 AM] Russell Strauss: but it gets to a certain point when that's all there is
[5/20/11 12:32:05 AM] Russell Strauss: and who cares if it will do you good down the road? if it never pays off then it just goes on and on
[5/20/11 12:32:13 AM] Russell Strauss: I've been in a number of serious relationships back in the day, and I figured out what I want and what I need. And when I see something that is exactly what I want and need, it's so frustrating to lose it.
[5/20/11 12:33:05 AM] Jane Howard: I know. it's really hard to see someone who you'd be really, really awesome with, and then they just put an end to it for no reason. that's kinda how I'm feeling right now
[5/20/11 12:33:34 AM] Russell Strauss: this is the only relationship I've ever been in that my actions directly influenced the outcome in a very visible way. and that's one of the worst parts
[5/20/11 12:34:01 AM] Russell Strauss: because if I could go back and act a different way knowing what I know right now, I know for a fact it would have turned out very differently
[5/20/11 12:34:11 AM] Russell Strauss: and I've never experienced anything like that before
[5/20/11 12:34:26 AM] Russell Strauss: it's kind of rough being able to see that
[5/20/11 12:34:59 AM] Jane Howard: yeah, I guess. but I guess it's also kind of good that you know that. like for me I have no idea
[5/20/11 12:36:07 AM] Russell Strauss: well normally you can never see where anything went wrong. it's just a string of actions and feelings back and forth that eventually form the relationship and guide where it ends up going
[5/20/11 12:36:52 AM] Russell Strauss: but there are certain ways that I acted and reacted that scared her, and I don't know why they did--they shouldn't have--but they did.
[5/20/11 12:37:20 AM] Jane Howard: so maybe she wasn't ready for that?
[5/20/11 12:38:05 AM] Russell Strauss: well no
[5/20/11 12:38:08 AM] Russell Strauss: and who cares?
[5/20/11 12:38:11 AM] Russell Strauss: I can wait
[5/20/11 12:38:15 AM] Russell Strauss: but the thing is
[5/20/11 12:38:26 AM] Russell Strauss: I know that she'll move on and I've lost my chance
[5/20/11 12:38:47 AM] Jane Howard: why do you think that? you still have a chance
[5/20/11 12:39:15 AM] Russell Strauss: I'm okay with her not being ready, but I know that once you get past a certain point, you've lost your chance, no matter have good you are together
[5/20/11 12:39:32 AM] Russell Strauss: I mean ideally, yes, but practically, not really
[5/20/11 12:40:25 AM] Russell Strauss: it's the same way that you can be amazing friends with someone as a child, but as life moves on and pushes the two of you away from each other, even though you might get along amazingly, circumstance keeps you from ever being together again as friends
[5/20/11 12:41:11 AM] Russell Strauss: It's not always about compatibility, but about how things fit together.
[5/20/11 12:41:50 AM] Jane Howard: yeah, I guess. but she's going to be in atlanta, and that'll be awesome. I really think she just needs some time to grow but hope isn't necessarily lost. you can still be there for her if that's what you want, just in a different way for right now
[5/20/11 12:42:24 AM] Russell Strauss: I suppose, but sometimes that's too hard on me to handle it.
[5/20/11 12:42:50 AM] Russell Strauss: Honestly, I would rather lose contact with her than see her happy with another guy.
[5/20/11 12:43:35 AM] Russell Strauss: It's just too hard on your emotions.
[5/20/11 12:45:15 AM] Jane Howard: yeah, I feel ya
[5/20/11 12:45:25 AM] Jane Howard: people can be frustrating
[5/20/11 12:45:57 AM] Russell Strauss: You can say that again
[5/20/11 12:46:07 AM] Jane Howard: people can be frustrating
I loved you. I still do. I wish you would let me tell you.
Your superficial expectations will forever keep you from loving me for who I am. I will never satisfy your idea of the perfect person for you. Until you remove that immutable image from your mind, you will only continue to hurt others. You will never find that perfect image. You are keeping yourself from truly understanding what love is. You will never love me for who I am because of your hollow expectations.
And it hurts me that the day that you realize this is true, you will be with someone else. And I will be nowhere in sight.
Because I came at the wrong time. I lost my chance. And that is unfair. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2011|04:23 pm]
Russell
|
This journal is my one true love. It never fails me. It never insults me. It never hurts me. It reminds me of hard times I have forgotten. It brings back so many deep thoughts and profound opinions that I have lost long ago. It never disappears, never goes away. It remains constant, even while I change. It reminds me of where I've been and directs where I'm going.
But most of all, it reminds me of who I am. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2011|09:24 am]
Russell
|
There's nothing harder than hearing you say you don't want me. The happiest I've ever been, yet you don't want me. It's one thing to be rejected by a friend. It's completely different to be rejected by someone you love. It's unbearable.
The mornings are the hardest. I wake up thinking about you. I wake up alone, and I wake up depressed. I've lost all motivation to do anything. Trying to do nothing but sleep, even sleep rejects me.
What can you do when something that's perfect doesn't work? If this doesn't work, how can anything? If I've searched for this for so long and it exists as only fleeting breath, then what can I possibly do? I'm trying so excruciatingly hard to hold on to the memories, but I feel them disappearing. There's nothing I can do about it. I know before long, they will be gone completely. And nothing breaks my heart more than that.
I would give anything in the world to keep making memories with you. Anything. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2011|01:03 pm]
Russell
|
|
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2011|09:28 am]
Russell
|
|
My life has gone terribly dark without you. |
|
|
| Let's go out tonight like it is last year. |
[May. 3rd, 2011|03:05 am]
Russell
|
You don't want to fight because you don't want to lose. And I don't have a choice, so I don't want to choose.
Life doesn’t always demand that we understand,
That we clap our hands,
But we understand that it’s beautiful.
Today has its way of making some things new,
And maybe, that means me and you.
So today what I’ve seen changed a part of me
When it showed me a part of you. |
|
|
| When she says, "I need you," I don't know if I can believe her. |
[May. 3rd, 2011|02:09 am]
Russell
|
| [ | Current Location |
| | PR | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MO | ] |
"I have no clue where I would be without you now. Our relationship couldn’t have come at a better time. You’re the full package and are such a blessing. I can’t wait to get to know you even more." |
|
|
| Fall asleep, and you'll dream of me. |
[Apr. 30th, 2011|03:43 am]
Russell
|
I need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, I get discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on myself or under great stress, I begin to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in my life. I have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong," or "I can't do anything right."
To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive--to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2011|11:18 pm]
Russell
|
|
In the middle of April, I was willing and able. I was under the table, in over my head. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2011|11:21 pm]
Russell
|
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
I was twenty-one years when I wrote this song.
I'm twenty-two now, but I won't be for long.
And time hurries on.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand.
Once my heart was filled with the love of a girl.
I held her close, but she faded in the night
Like a poem I meant to write.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand.
I threw a pebble in a brook
And watched the ripples run away
And they never made a sound.
And the leaves that are green turned to brown,
And they wither with the wind,
And they crumble in your hand.
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye,
That's all there is.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2011|01:06 pm]
Russell
|
| [ | Current Location |
| | library | ] |
I think if you don't really like a girl, you shouldn't horse around with her at all, and if you do like her, then you're supposed to like her face, and if you like her face, you ought to be careful about doing crumby stuff to it, like squirting water all over it. It's really too bad that so much crumby stuff is a lot of fun sometimes. Girls aren't too much help, either, when you start trying not to get too crumby, when you start trying not to spoil anything really good. I knew this one girl, a couple of years ago, that was even crumbier than I was. Boy, was she crumby! We had a lot of fun, though, for a while, in a crumby way. Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass, I broke it, though, the same week I made it – the same night, as a matter of fact. |
|
|
| design flaw |
[Apr. 18th, 2011|08:30 pm]
Russell
|
| [ | music |
| | john elliott | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | post | ] |
I used to hate the way God made us. Not that I have changed how I feel about that, but rather I might have grown indifferent. He gives young males such strong sexual urges, yet doesn't put them into a position to healthily satisfy them until much later in life. If they follow his advice for their lives, they either struggle with this load for years until they're wise enough to understand enough about themselves to find someone special to them, or they make many mistakes that hurt themselves and others. It doesn't make sense. And these are the reasons why people take drastic measures that they often can't control that lead to things like rape or abuse. Is there no better solution? Why can't you just make males and females equally?
And I think it's this partial lifelong struggle that gives them a respectful sexual relationship towards their love. Yet it's this lifelong struggle that takes the newness and excitement out of these feelings. Many will argue that it "only makes it that much more special," but speaking from experience, it's full of shit. It does nothing but cheapens the experience. Because of it, I have a bitter attitude towards it, a cynical attitude; I don't give it any respect.
I'm so sick of the attitude that sex is the most sacred thing in the world. Maybe it is. Sure. Whatever. I'm not saying it's not, just shut up about it. Nobody cares. Be real for a second. Stop living in your fairytale Godworld.
And the worst part is that I know I will forget my struggles. I will move on with a married life one day with someone I love so much that I will forget anything I'd ever even been frustrated with at all. And I knew this even as a young one. I'm not regretting anything that I've done--doing what I believed is right or fighting sexual urges rather than finding an outlet for them, but it pisses me off to no end that this is how I was made, and even more so that I won't be able to hold on to and remember these struggles as I grow older. |
|
|
| unvirtuous virtues |
[Mar. 17th, 2011|01:38 am]
Russell
|
So, you really think I'm that insensitive do you? Maybe one day you'll learn to respect your friends more than your values. And one day, I'll lose my respect for my friends with values--yet I've mostly already done that. Here's a value for you: close-mindedness. I doubt anyone's told you, but that's the one you have the most of. Oh, you see it as something different, awareness, commitment, courage, strong will, resilience. Well it's not. You're a close-minded fool.
Do you really think you can change the world? You can't. We are so exceptionally insignificant. A human is nothing. A human can do nothing. All I can do is live. I have no hope to change the world, no desire to change the world--because I cannot. If you think you can, you will slowly realize disappointment. Humans as a whole certainly can change the world. Humans as a whole can do absolutely anything, absolutely breathtakingly powerful things. But you can only control yourself. And that singular will, no matter how strong, will never have the strength to do anything significant, much less powerful.
You are such a fraud. Why don't you stop trying to change the world and focus on those around you? Focus on those who are important in your life. Give something back to those who give to you. Stop being so insensitive. I used to hate what you were. I wanted you to stop crying all the time, relax a little, and stiffen up. But since you've changed, I hate what you have become even more. Now you're nothing but an insensitive rod. And you're too busy accusing me of being insensitive to see your own blinding insensitivity.
You are so humble that you are arrogant. You are so accepting that you are disrespectful. You are so aware that you are blind. You are so caring that you do not care. You support justice so much that you cannot even see the injustice in your own motivations. You are close-minded. I'm so thankful for everything I have become and exactly who God has made me. And I'm so glad that I never had to rely on you for anything. For instead of being disappointed, I merely scoff at your arrogance. You live in your own little world.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
It's amazing how such a small thought can lead to so many other conclusions.
“I can sympathize with everything, except suffering,” said Lord Henry, shrugging his shoulders. “I cannot sympathize with that. It is too ugly, too horrible, too distressing. There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathize with the color, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life's sores the better.” |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2011|03:03 am]
Russell
|
"Am I too early?" she asked. "I bet you just woke up."
"Can you give me 15 minutes? I'll wash my face and shave."
"I don't mind waiting, but all these guys are staring at my legs."
"What d'you expect, coming into a men's dorm in such a short skirt? Of course they're going to stare."
"Oh, well, it's OK. I'm wearing really cute panties today - all pink and frilly and lacy."
"That just makes it worse," I said with a sigh. I went back to my room and washed and shaved as fast as I could, put on a blue button-down shirt and a grey tweed sports coat, then went back down and ushered Midori out through the dorm gate. I was in a cold sweat.
"Tell me, Watanabe," Midori said, looking up at the dorm buildings, "do all the guys in here wank--rub-a-dub-dub?"
"Probably," I said.
"Do guys think about girls when they do that?"
"I suppose so. I kind of doubt that anyone thinks about the stock market or verb conjugations or the Suez Canal when they wank. Nope, I'm pretty sure just about everybody thinks about girls."
"The Suez Canal?"
"For example."
"So I suppose they think about particular girls, right?"
"Shouldn't you be asking your boyfriend about that?" I said. "Why should I have to explain stuff like this to you on a Sunday morning?"
"I was just curious," she said. "Besides, he'd get angry if I asked him about stuff like that. He'd say girls aren't supposed to ask all those questions."
"A perfectly normal point of view, I'd say."
"But I want to know. This is pure curiosity. Do guys think about particular girls when they wank?" I gave up trying to avoid the question.
"Well, I do at least. I don't know about anybody else."
"Have you ever thought about me while you were doing it? Tell me the truth. I won't be angry."
"No, I haven't, to tell the truth," I answered honestly.
"Why not? Aren't I attractive enough?"
"Oh, you're attractive, all right. You're cute, and sexy outfits look great on you."
"So why don't you think about me?"
"Well, first of all, I think of you as a friend, so I don't want to involve you in my sexual fantasies, and second--"
"You've got somebody else you're supposed to be thinking about."
"That's about the size of it," I said.
"You have good manners even when it comes to something like this," Midori said. "That's what I like about you. Still, couldn't you allow me just one brief appearance? I want to be in one of your sexual fantasies or daydreams or whatever you call them. I'm asking you because we're friends. Who else can I ask for something like that? I can't just walk up to anyone and say, 'When you wank tonight, will you please think of me for a second?' It's because I think of you as a friend that I'm asking. And I want you to tell me later what it was like. You know, what you did and stuff." I let out a sigh. "You can't put it in, though. Because we're just friends. Right? As long as you don't put it in, you can do anything you like, think anything you want."
"I don't know, I've never done it with so many restrictions before," I said.
"Will you just think about me?"
"All right, I'll think about you."
"You know, Watanabe, I don't want you to get the wrong impression - that I'm a nymphomaniac or frustrated or a tease or anything. I'm just interested in that stuff. I want to know about it. I grew up surrounded by nothing but girls in a girls' school, you know that. I want to find out what guys are thinking and how their bodies are put together. And not just from pull-out sections in the women's magazines but actual case studies."
"Case studies?" I groaned.
"But my boyfriend doesn't like it when I want to know things or try things. He gets angry, calls me a nympho or crazy. He won't even let me give him a blow job. Now, that's one thing I'm dying to study."
"Uh-huh."
"Do you hate getting blow jobs?"
"No, not really, I don't hate it."
"Would you say you like it?"
"Yeah, I'd say that. But can we talk about this next time? Here it is, a really nice Sunday morning, and I don't want to ruin it talking about wanking and blow jobs. Let's talk about something else. Is your boyfriend at the same university as us?"
"Nope, he goes to another one, of course. We met at school during a club activity. I was in the girls' school, he was in the boys', and you know how they do those things, joint concerts and stuff. We got serious after our exams, though. Hey, Watanabe."
"What?"
"You only have to do it once. Just think about me, OK?"
"OK, I'll give it a try, next time," I said, throwing in the towel. |
|
|
| my love. |
[Mar. 7th, 2011|04:52 am]
Russell
|
I always scoff at people who tell me I don't know what love is. I used to be humble about it back in the day; I would reassure myself that I didn't know what true love was, that I was only an adolescent and that one day I would know a more intense version of what I felt. A duller emotion rather than a sharp, short-term one. I was wrong about that though. I definitely knew what love was. I didn't know all the intricacies of it; I didn't know how to live it out; I didn't know perfectly how to treat those that I felt this way about, but I certainly knew what love was. I think it was shallow to think I didn't know what love was.
And honestly, subconsciously I knew that I knew. But on the outside of the inside I told myself I didn't quite know yet, just to be sure. Because everyone seemed to be so adamant that teenagers don't know what love is. No, they only know of infatuation. But this is wrong. There are plenty of teens out there who don't understand, but I certainly did. And to not listen to my own heart was only holding me back.
When I truly loved and lost, I never doubted it again. And it took me years to get over. I struggled with getting over that love for much longer than it had lasted. They may say time heals all wounds, but surely they should say time in large enough doses heals all wounds.
So follow your heart. No one knows you greater than yourself. People may push their own perspectives on you, and you should listen to them, but don't take their word over yours unless you meditate on that perspective and take it as your own. You are in control of your own life. Not mathematics. And deep down inside, you may doubt it, but you know what love is. You were created with it in you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2011|12:34 am]
Russell
|
|
I haven't cried in over five years until tonight. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
