been feeling a little strange lately. right now I'm trying to disappear from the social network media, and thus I cannot tweet. so I am back to my reliable old livejournal to provide me a form of channel for me to express myself.
a few posts back, I said that I felt lonely. and yet in a most ironic turn of events, right now I want to be alone. I don't know what's wrong with me (again), but I'm seriously so sick and tired of human interaction. all the second guessing, fear of being judged and at the same time judging, trying to be considerate of others and accommodating. just fuck that all right now. I need time out. right now what I really want is to have somewhere that I can just go to and be alone with my thoughts. anywhere that I can just be on my own without having to answer to anyone. because if this goes on I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't think I'm being mean or anything but I just need to have my own personal space to cool down right now. to recollect my emotions and thoughts.
I'm hoping that blast camp will make it better. either by helping me become so tired that I have no capacity to think about anything, or to allow me some space to be alone. at least in camp, I can walk around school on my own, or just sit in a corner and think alone. I really want that so bad right now, it's not even funny.
I don't know what's wrong with me. it's post-exams and I'm supposed to be enjoying my freedom. yet now I feel like I'm suffocating, just like school term. I hate this feeling because I can't figure out why I'm feeling such emotions.
maybe it's the lack of dance. have not danced for nearly a month.
oh gosh seriously just shut up. all these voices, so fucking annoying. - Mood:annoyed
 - Music:t-ara - cry cry
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as if it wasn't enough to torture me while I'm awake, my mind continues to torture me while I sleep. had a dream last night that felt so real, so much so that it actually hurt to wake up to reality. could my mind be mocking me? I've got 3 essays due and I just can't get into the mood to write them. what do I do when I'm just so sick and tired of churning out essay after essay? I feel like I'm becoming an essay-writing machine and that's not how I envisioned my university life to be. I want to learn, not having to prove that I am learning. saw this at a shop in J8 (I think it was More Than Words) and oh-em-gee I NEED IT RIGHT NOW. like now. I was so tempted to get it but my wallet and rational mind protested D: but I'm starting to regret. WHAT IF IT'S SOLD OUT WHEN I FINALLY DECIDE TO GET IT? hyperventilates. shit shit shit. GAH I WANT IT SO BADLY ): ( should I start writing to Santa?) it has a partner! this one's a devil, the other one is normal blue doraemon but with angel wings at the back! KYAAA HOW CAN ANYTHING BE SO ADORABLE?! I need both. now now now. SANTAAAAAA~ ok I really need to push myself. 2 more weeks and this torture will be over. and then I can truly enjoy myself and watch all the drama that I've been wanting to watch. GAH so painful. - Mood:worried
 - Music:double a - because I'm crazy
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I feel bad for whoever still checks my livejournal for an update, because it's been so dead. I think it's unlikely that I'll post anything here in the near future, or even if I do, it's probably going to be once in a blue moon. and even if I do write a post, it'll probably be for my own private viewing. because I'm just no longer comfortable with the idea of showing all my inner thoughts and weaknesses to everyone or anyone. and sometimes I just want a space to write what I truly feel without having people judging me. and because I realised that when I do find the feeling to write, it's usually about what's bothering me, and I just don't want to give off the impression that I'm an emo/suicidal kid. I really think people get lonelier and lonelier as they grow older. you force yourself to become more realistic, because everyday you're faced with the fact that you're no longer 15 and every decision you make has a greater impact on your future. there's no turning back, no room for mistakes. and there's no time for dreams anymore. someday you'll just learn to accept that all along you've been presented with a false choice. dreams are for people with financial abilities, for people without the burden of responsibilities, or they're just for people who are goddamn brave. because I no longer have the strength to believe that I can do it. I don't have the faith that I will succeed, and if I don't, it's not me who's suffering, it's my parents. because while I can be satisfied with a substandard living standard as I'm pursuing my dreams, I can't expect my parents to do that. I need to be able to provide them with the comfort and stability they've provided for me, and so there's no room for errors. I don't know if I'll be happy. I do know the process right now is not making me happy. but life as it is now is no longer just about happiness. I wonder if I'm the only person feeling this way. how do people obtain happiness? I just find it so hard to come to terms with everything recently. ( the love of siam.Collapse )I hesitated for a long time on whether to make this post public. because it doesn't make sense if I started out writing this post for people to read, and then end up making it private. but at the same time I don't think the tone of the post makes it suitable to be posted, especially after such a long period of absence. I don't want people to judge me and think that my life is a mess, or that I'm emotionally unstable. I may not be 100% happy and satisfied with my life right now, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. and I don't want to have to answer questions about why my blog post is so emo. (because I'm emotional, that's why. and I tend to think a lot at night.) but anyway I decided to just heck it and post, so there you have it, a long thoughtful post after a 5 months absence, and possibly one of the few posts that will be public from now onwards. and now I need to return to my essay which is long overdue. even though it's 3AM and I'm exhausted. but Procrastination won the battle in the day, so now I'm left with Panic and Perseverance. "It’s not easy at all, because the longer my grandma is gone, the more I miss her. So I have one question. If we can love someone so much, how will we be able to handle the day when we are separated? And, if being separated is a part of life and you know about separation well, is it possible, Tong, that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them?
At the same time, I was also wondering. Is it possible that we can live our entire life without loving anyone at all? That’s my loneliness. I have lived with it now for five years. I know just how bad loneliness feels. I fear it will continue to get worse."
- Mew, The Love of Siam- Mood:thoughtful
 - Music:Ticket (Day Trip) - August Band
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I just realised that I had only 6 posts after the end of my first uni semester. which makes it 6 posts in 6 months. which makes it 1 post per month?
WOW.
no wonder my livejournal is dead. IT IS DEAD.
see that's what university life does to you.
whoever tells you uni will be easier IS LYING! don't ever believe that lie.
I will attempt to revive this livejournal.
all because I'm dying of boredom at home.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
I need to do something. I feel like I've lost my direction in life after the end of exams. suddenly there's no more constant mugging to be done at every free time that I have. I actually feel guilty watching videos even though I'm technically free to do so. UNI WHY YOU TORTURE ME???
this is scary. insane. madness.
fml. - Mood:shocked
 - Music:B1A4 - OK
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there are always just such long periods of absence between my posts. it probably means that I'm getting lazier to update. there used to be a time when I would actively write all my daily happenings and what not. but now, I just don't feel like sharing my emotions on the internet. and besides, my livejournal is not very interesting. and still I'm posting this, because I'm currently on the mrt and feeling extremely bored. and because the circle line is awesome and has 3G connection so I can access the internet. exams are finally over but I strangely don't feel extremely excited. in fact whenever I'm slacking around I feel like there's a need for me to study. omg what the hell is wrong with me. I don't even feel like watching all the videos that were extremely tempting during my mugging period. the wonders of procrastination. there were so many things I wanted to do post-exams, but now I'm in a state of lethargy. can't get excited over anything. I shall at least aim to correct my sleeping habits during the holidays and sleep at night instead of the wee mornings. I have no idea if it's because I'm getting older, but my body is giving me a lot more problems. I get backache easily, gastric problems (probably also due to my screwed up eating habits) and my skin is getting old ): I want to get a job in the holidays to sponsor my expenses and hopefully save up some money so I can stay on campus next semester. but finding a job is so difficult. argh. I really want a new pair of dance shoes. shall go hunt around for one during my shopping trips. some things become less important as you grow older. is it because humans realise the more you care, the more it hurts? anyway an advertisement to anyone reading this, please support studio wu's production 'dance now arena' in June. tickets are available through gatecrash and there are 3 dates to choose from. I do find the ticket pricing a little expensive ($38, $48, $58) but after today's vetting, I think the show will be worth the money. support the production and support me because I'm performing hehe. peace. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. - Location:Singapore, Kampong Lew Lian
- Music:Seo In Guk - Broken
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I just realised it's been nearly 2 months since I've last updated my livejournal. wow. the thing is, I've been really busy. and I'm lazy. I don't even know why I'm bothering to write this post. oh right I remember. TO SHOW OFF.  YAY APRIL RODRIGUEZ AND JOESAR! woohooooo I have a photo with overseas instructors muahahaha. okay that was lame. anyway so they're down for Blast! concert (which is happening next sun. omg) and there was auditions today for their item. so I went! (like a crazy fool.) but it was an awesome experience. for real. even though I didn't get in, I had so much fun. I LOVE HER CHOREO. couldn't stop smiling while learning. so groovy~ I love it. (and yes this is the choreo she taught us but no, that's not us. BUT THE CHOREO IS SOO NICE.) anyway I really learnt a lot. and at least I got to talk to them personally and learn about my weaknesses. they were soooo cool. I danced the entire weekend away. literally. saturday was just non-stop dancing from 930AM all the way to 9PM. and the auditions on sunday took up my entire afternoon. and even though I'm so damn exhausted physically, I'm actually really happy. I don't know what is it about dance but it just makes me happy. been talking to random people recently about dance and I just feel that I can't give it up. no matter what. because if I do, I think my life would be really depressing. but at the same time I keep getting questioned by my family. whether is it worth it for me to sacrifice my studies for dance. do I even have a future in dance? what's the point of me putting in so much effort for dance? can I even make it a career? and I honestly have no idea. I know my studies are important, but so is dance. I know I have a lot of room for improvement as a dancer, but that's what's motivating me even more to train harder. I don't know if it'll be worth it in the end, but all I know is I need to dance. at least for now. at the same time, I have to say I've actually been more motivated this semester to study even though I have a crazy dance schedule. so who can say that dance is distracting me from my studies? it's actually helping me. I know I keep talking about dance in my recent posts. but that's because I'm really obsessed with it right now, and it's all I think about everyday. and because this is a blog about my personal thoughts, so duh, it's going to be dance dance dance all the way. now if you're bored, you can stop reading my blog :D I know how they always tell us that we're full-time students, part-time dancers. but I really wish it's the other way round for me. hopefully this post will kickstart my blogging again. - Mood:happy
 - Music:girl's day - twinkle twinkle
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I'm 24 days late in writing my new year resolutions. just because I procrastinate in every single thing I do. and also because I told myself I'll write it once I get my planner and it only arrived a few days ago. but precisely because I'm 24 days late, I don't feel like writing them anymore. it just doesn't feel necessary. and there's no point because I probably won't keep to them. in general I just hope that in 2011, I'll get to dance more, improve more, not screw up my semester 2, be a little more self-motivated and hopefully find my big break in life. I don't know why I even bother posting it. I'm in such a grumpy mood right now. juste debout singapore 2011 was awesome and eye-opening. and it definitely showed me how much more I had to improve, which was inspiring and depressing at the same time. I don't know what is wrong with me right now. this post is not going in the right direction.
I'm not going in the right direction.
which way is the right direction? - Mood:grumpy
 - Music:seung ri - vvip
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I know, the blog is dead. but seeing that it's the last day of 2010, I think it deserves a new post. quick updates of my life. - celebrated my 19th birthday, which I was dreading. I don't want to grow old ): anyway I successfully hid my birthday on facebook so I experienced zero flooding on my fb wall. (well done, me.) can't believe I'm turning 20 next year. I DON'T WANT LA.
- went for blast! camp and I think I'm a little less inclined to quit. the master classes were so freaking awesome. I don't mind enduring not-so-inspiring classes the whole semester just for these master classes. SO FREAKING AWESOME. and it felt so good to be dancing non stop. it was literally dance, eat, dance, eat, dance and minimal sleep. in fact, I was knocked out for the subsequent days after camp ended but it felt so good.
- lost my phone and wallet during camp. FUCK YOU BASTARD WHO STOLE MY IPHONE4 AND WALLET AND DON'T EVEN HAVE A SHRED OF DECENCY TO RETURN MY WALLET TO THE POLICE I MEAN COME ON WHY YOU NEED MY IC AND MATRIC CARD FOR JUST TAKE MY MONEY AND FUCKING RETURN THOSE CARDS TO ME LA YOU ASSHOLE AND IF I COULD I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU AND I SWEAR YOU'RE GOING TO GET RETRIBUTION FOR YOUR ACTS YOU DIE YOU DIE BASTARD. ok sorry. I still get agitated thinking about it. being an earnest fan of 爱 I believe you'll pay for your acts. yes you will. you'll get cancer and get burned by fire and become disfigured and you will die a horrible death. so anyway I'm back to using my sony ericsson phone and I've got to spend a lot of money replacing all my lost cards. I'm actually quite depressed at the thought of it. I mean, just replacing my IC itself will cost $100. and if I want to get another iphone, it's going to cost me close to $500 min. and if I don't get a new iphone I'll be wasting money every month because of my data plan. essentially I'll be spending close to a $1000 just to replace all the things I lost. which is why I'm so fucking pissed with that asshole who stole it. and the super unhelpful staffs at harbourfront centre macdonalds. so many staff and no one noticed anything? I'm appalled by their attitude and service.
and I think that's probably the few exciting incidents during this period of absence from my lj. oh and my grades for semester 1 was appalling. I expected bad grades but not to this extent. I just wanted to slap myself when I saw them. so yeah. I'm an ass. 2010 would have been a great year if not for the month of december. it was definitely a year of breakthroughs for me. I experienced my first semester of uni life. I had increasing opportunities to expose myself to dance. it was the first time I ever made it through to the finals for a dance competition. I was lucky enough to pass nearly all the auditions and interviews that I went for. I had the opportunity to audition for JYP entertainment, even though I didn't make it through. I gained a lot of experiences and more opportunities to perform. it would have been a good year if not for december. now 2010 is going to end in a regretful manner. I'm going to expect so much more from 2011. I've already prepared a list of resolutions for the new year. but that'll wait till tomorrow. been busy practicing for the kpop performance next friday. preparing for performances just makes me excited. it's always the preparation period that is fun. coming up with formations and discovering new ideas to play with for the performances. it's just enjoyable. hopefully we'll be able to put up a decent performance. COPPER HWAITING <3 looking back at 2010, I'm disappointed with myself. 2011 must be a better year. I want to dance so badly. I keep thinking about it everyday and it's driving me crazy. yet I lack the determination to practice on my own. there's something seriously wrong with me. and to end this post on a less heavy mood, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING HOTTER THAN THIS??? GD & TOP's new album is so freaking awesome I don't know where to start. KYAAAAAA FANGIRLS. and this song is just so awesome. the entire album is made of win. big bang never lets me down <3 - Mood:moody
 - Music:GD & TOP - 뻑이 가요
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kya I can't believe I really went for JYP auditions.
even though I expected such results, I still feel disappointed. if only I was younger. maybe my chances would be higher.
thank god I bumped into Teriza while I was registering. at least there was someone familiar to practice with me.
if only I went earlier to register, I wouldn't have to wait nearly 7 hours just to audition. and I would have caught the judges in a happier and less tired mood. WHY DIDN'T I WAKE UP IN TIME? ))):
oh well, at least it was a good experience for me. and at least the judge didn't yawn while I was auditioning. and at least he actually looked up and looked at me while I was singing. I think I had a pretty good audition.
AHHH OK I CANNOT TAKE IT. I AM VERY UPSET WHYYYYY DIDNT I GET IN DDD:
I keep reading the facebook wall of alpha ent about the auditions and I just feel so pekcek knowing that 3 girls got in already.
AND THEY ARE FUCKING YOUNG. what is this huh. ageist???
okay I must control myself. what the hell am I doing.
damn it. I thought I was feeling better already after dance and talking to my dad about it. i should never have visited the facebook wall. idiot.
and my mood affected my dance today. ahh so demoralised. I couldn't freestyle again. what the hell is wrong with me. stupid auditions.
okay must prepare for next week's lesson. must not die again during cypher.
I'm not making sense anymore.
Dear JYP, please give me an early birthday present and email me? - Mood:disappointed
 - Music:f.cuz - midnight sun
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I want to change my userpics to better suit my new obsessions, but I'm so lazy to hunt for them. have actually been in a pretty down mood recently. it all started with this really bad nightmare, and then the next few days just became really strange. but I'm all better now, thanks to dance tonight :D I feel happier already. I LOVE DANCE. thank you for rescuing me from my emo state. I don't think I can ever give up dance, or I'll just sink into depression. dance makes me happy and I like that feeling. I didn't want to update my lj because I didn't want to flood it with emo thoughts. tsk. and now that I'm actually updating, I have no idea what to write. I NEED MONEY. to buy all the things I want. (nail polishes, caps, dance pants. WHY YOU SO EX? D:) nya nya nya. preparing for a new performance with COPPER. hopefully it'll turn out okay. la la la. OHHH I SUPER RECOMMEND EVERYONE TO WATCH THIS JAPANESE DRAMA: JUUI DOLITTLE. (if you're free.) IT'S DAMN AWESOME. I SWEAR. there's good actors (cute guys kyaaa hiroki narimiya my love AND cute girls.) and there's super cute animals waaaa. it's really a great drama I promise. not those lovey dovey romance drama. THIS IS REAL DRAMA. without realising it, I cried watching every single episode because every episode deals with a different story and they are all motherfucking touching. watch it watch it watch it. I've been wasting my time away at home because all my friends are super busy people (-.-) and I have very little friends (D:), so I'm stuck at home doing nothing. but I've decided to make conducive use of my time by upgrading myself. (shit I make it sound like I'm a HDB flat.) anyway I shall start clearing my backlog of books. books that I've always wanted to read but never actually found time to read. YES I shall become a more intellectual person this semester break. teehee I'm having so much fun reading my sherlock holmes. omg sherlock holmes is probably one of the best character ever written. I always feel like i'm reading about a real person even though I clearly know that he's a fiction character. the other day I was going to succumb to my extreme boredom and watch the sherlock holmes movie even though I hated the trailer totally and I know that I was going to hate the movie because WTH DID THEY DO TO SHERLOCK HOLMES? omg they portrayed him to be some flippant character BUT HE'S NOT. he's an eccentric genius and the best detective in the world. die movie die. thank god the subtitles weren't working so I gave up on it. it's fate. omg I can't believe I spent half the post talking about sherlock holmes. I evidently have no life. I was supposed to be dancing my semester break away! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?! and I can't believe how many times I used the acronym omg. I want to watch the movie easy A. just for fun lol. I shall wither away and float back to my sherlock holmes. anybody wanna cypher with me? D: I think my freestyling is fail. - Mood:rejuvenated
 - Music:sistar - push push
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