i dont know what to do anymore. i'm so fuckign pissed off at my parents right now. and it's over something so stupid as they wont' let me buy a corset with my OWN money (granted it's their's until i pay them back) but still. and then i'm jsut getting fed up with being alone all day. i spent most of the day with adriana but that wasn't enough for me. i wanted to hang out more. i wanted to go somewhere far away. i still have this urge to jsut run away and never come back. just keep in touch with a few friends but no one else. i hate it here. i hate being here when no one else is. i hate it because i feel as if no one cares about me. i feel as if i'm neglected. not loved. by anyone. i feel abused. but i'm not. i hate this feeling. god i don't know waht to do with myself anymore! i'm going crazy it's been 122 days since i last cut but right now that's the only thing that sounds comforting right now. nothing else. i jsut want to hurt myself. and then cry myself to sleep hoping i won't wake up in the morning. i hate my life right now and i dont' knwo why. i should be hella happy right nwo! my bday is in like 2 weeks and i'm going to have so much fun with some close family but yet i feel like just giving up and killing myself. i don't knwo what to do anymore. i'm so lost. i'm soooooo lost!

had hella fun at a homeless shelter in oakland last night with my dad and some ppl from the church. got to hear this guy Willie tell me his story about his life. which shocked and amazed me. it was a wake up call to some things. i think i'm going to try and start liking myself. i dunno but i'm going to try. it was really nice!

is it wrong to feel happy when other people are not? is it wrong to feel in love when others are falling out of love? even if those others are people you aren't friends with anymore? i don't know i just feel really guilty right now.

i'm talking to a guy i barely kno. i met him thru my cuz, he's her ex's bro. i think i really really like him! we can talk for like an hour (which is a long ass time if you know me and you aren't my cuzs). his name is junior...actually it's not but i can't think of his real name right now...i've seen him in person once and i think he's a cutie! he's mexican, he'll be 19 on the 25th and he plays soccer! that last one is a big ass plus for me! huh darlin?! lol. anyways. i really like him a lot! but the only backfire is that one of his bros is in a gang. thus my parents are a little edgie on me talking to him and dont want me dating him at all. never the less i'm falling for this guy and i think he is falling for me too. but i i don't know.

gosh i feel guilty!

any advice...?

go for the guy or what?


court

god i sometimes hate my fucking mom!!! she can be so fucking vendictive (sp?) she can make everything to be about her even if she doesn't want it to be about her. she thinks she so not selfish when she is. like today we were arguing because i wanted to go help my cuz babysit some of her friends' kids on friday but we wouldn't get home until past 7 and they wanted me home before 7 to watch my lil sis. so my cuz and i came up with the idea that we would have my sis go with my parents for a lil bit and then my cuz and i would pick her up wherever my parents were and then take her back to my house. but apparently that wouldn't work and my mom wouldn't give me a straight answer as to why that wouldn't work. she just kept avoiding the question. i kept asking why and she kept answering sorry that it wouldn't work. until she finally just said because. i was like WTF! (in my head of course bc we're a very catholic family household and we the children cannot swear but the adults are allowed to swear all the fuck they want!!! grrr) so my dad calls me and was like my mom is going through a very tough time and that it's getting so rough for her that we might have to put her on anti-depressents and what not. i'm like ok....and your point? (again in my head) so then my mom just called me and sounded all giddy and what not and was like "i'm sorry i just said because i got caught up in something and i pressed send (we were texting fyi) when i didn't mean to press send i'm sorry we are going to have to do something special this saturday" blah de blah de blah de blah...and so on and so forth. it got really annoying. it was like what the fuck!!! dad was just like mom needed anti-depressents and now shes all giddy and was like lets go do something special! and yes i know that some depressed people will hide behind a mask and what not but you don't know my mother...she doesn't do that. if she's depressed she WILL show it. and will be depressed to the MAX!!! which will then bring everyone down except my sis who is always happy as hell. ugh!!! i dunno what to do!

ok well i just needed to vent and to find something to do that wasn't hw. lol. well i hope everyone is doing alright...

court

abandoned feelings

sometimes i get lost in the floowing river
sometimes i give up right then and there
at times you make me feel anger
other times you make me feel so alive
youve changed my world forever
but now youve pushed me away

whyd you choose now to leave me
i cant seem to talk to you at all
words cant express what i mean
please dont ignore me
i dont want to hurt anymore
you make me feel so forgotten

please make these feelings go away
no understanding to anything
why do i turn right back to you
ive got no one else to go to
ive always talked to you when i was down
why have you gone & done this to me

i dont know what to do
all this stress is turning into tears
another forgotten girl left behind
im running out of places to go
i cant find anywhere to hide
from the haunting of my abandoned feelings

abandoned feelings flowing through my head
abandoned feelings swaying in my soul
abandoned feelings shadow me around
abandoned feelings wont leave me alone






my god i miss him.

lol last night was soooo much fun! went to chico for the day then went to san jose (all with my cuz and duncan) and got contact high there! it was so weird feeling and it felt like i was on valium again! going to get high tonight for the first time with my cuz. i can't wait! i smoke like 10 cigs yesterday (when i usually do like 2-3 a day) i was wired for the night and nausus at the same time lol. but i didn't have anything to drink ='( oh well. god i'm become a law breaker and i'm only 16 (i'll turn 17 in feb tho).

so ya...things have been going good. cut yesterday for no reason other than the fact that i was bored and i had a razorblade in my wallet. i took a risk since i did it in the car...granted i was in the back seat with the babe (who was asleep btw)...when anyone could have looked back and saw what i was doing. but they didn't or if they did they didn't say anything. they weren't deep or anything i just cut enough to make it bleed a lil.

so ya that's my life so far. doesn't it sound fun!? and inbetween all this law breaking i'm doing hw, watching my lil sis, and watching my dog (who thinks she's a lap dog when she's a fucking bloodhound lol)

ya i'm wired right now and i don't know why. and i'm thinking of cutting again just to see the blood. it helps me calm down especially since i'm so wired that i wrote this in like 7 min. granted it's not long but still!

ya i'm done now
court

haven't updated in awhile. still hate myself. still want to die, but won't bc that's what amber wants me to do and i won't do it. my cuz is helping me with all of this and she's been so awesome about it. been haning out with her and her baby which is totally boosting my self esteem. should be doing hw but don't want to right now. on quest (independent study) for like a week and a half and already hate it. been having migrains everday for the past 2-3 months and i just want them to stop. want to go back to school but can't. i just hate being stuck in this house for so fucking long! i dunno. just want to sleep.


"what if..." by: me

what if i just did it
would anyone care?
i know she wouldn't
but i know many would

what if i wasn't so depressed
would i still want to die?
i don't think so
but maybe

what if i could run away
where would i go?
i have no place close
but no way to get to the far places

what if i wasn't bisexual
would i still love her?
i probably wouldn't
but what if i did

what if i was dead
would it be by my own hand?
i guess it would be
but what happens if it's not

what if no one cared
would i still be around?
i guess not
but i don't know

what if this was all a dream
why would it be so scary?
why would i be so depressed all the time?
i dunno
but what if...

( danger will robinson dangerCollapse )
well i'm done now...adios