Lie here and rest your head

Oh Lord, I've been so busy lately...

And here I thought the beginning of the year was bad! Nothing of the sort-- it's truly nothing compared to all that's gone on now.

Not only has Pansy's sister and the Bletchley family been decimated-- but apparently there'd been a recent attack at a Quidditch pitch: the Gryffindor captain and Head Girl last year plays there, and apparently one of the maintenance workers was murdered horribly. It makes... absolutely no sense whatsoever! All these people who've died, they've done NOTHING!

I know the man's son. He's a 3rd year Hufflepuff. I tutor him for Transfiguration. It's... senseless.

Aside from the troubles of the outside world, there've been altercations in Hogwarts itself. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley somewhat recently got into a fight with Draco Malfoy in the halls-- I heard that it was over Weasley's sister, familial insults, and... so on. UGH. I hate it when that happens! Malfoy was quite badly injured, and I'd had to substitute for his Prefect duties. I've barely seen hide or hair of Pansy-- she's been so busy what with her recent loss and then the injury of her friend, it's reasonable, I suppose, that she's been quite busy too.

I hope she's doing fine, though. To say that things are chaotic would be the understatement of the century, really.

I have also spoken to Professor McGonagall about the recent events, and she actually made a suggestion that seemed... quite interesting. Definitely something I want to consider. She spoke of an organization created primarily by Professor Dumbledore, of people with various skills and talents who come together to fight the Dark Lord. From the information that I'd gathered, it's an organization that they formed during the first war, and has been resurrected to face this renewed threat. I am of age, and-- perhaps after I leave school, assuming that I find out my niche and a marketable skill to bring to this organization, I could join to come to the aid of the right side in this upcoming, apparently-inevitable war.

In other rather curious news, I recently had a chat with Oliver Wood in Hogsmeade. It's strange that he's there, and so tired too. I'm unsure of what his purpose is-- he's stopped at Hogwarts a few times, but hadn't even been there to see any of the games or practices. And his friendship with Roger... quite odd, considering that they're rival Quidditch players and had been so for years, not to mention the difference in personality. During our talk, I got the impression that Wood was keeping something from me.

Whatever it is, I hope that it doesn't bring him or Roger any danger or grief.

I have a million more things to do. Shall go do so now.

I... I just can't believe it. I mean, yes I know it's true and that it's irrevocable, but it makes no sense!

How could anyone kill children? Two innocent girls, still in grammar school for pity's sake! How could anyone aim a wand at their heads and say those words? Have they no hearts?

So many innocent lives... Cedric isn't the only one. WHY?!

Pansy is heartbroken, needless to say, and in her pain, even in the few moments that I'd seen of it, I see an echo of...

Just how I felt a bit more than a year ago. Though it must be deeper than that. Viola was her sister.

I feel so bad, but there's absolutely nothing that I can do to make things better, and I'm supposed to be able to change things for the better! I'm the bloody Head Girl for heaven's sake! And yet--

...Nothing can change the fact that some unspeakably cruel, heartless and inhuman Death Eater invaded a private civilian home Friday night and turned his wand with deadly intent upon a mother, a father and two blameless children.

This is what we face. This is the world we live in.

But what can I do?

...So it's been two days.

This weekend has been a blur. Nothing of the sort was supposed to happen, of course, and I'm still completely mortified to think that... that...

But perhaps it was for the best, because I've never felt so happy about something this whole year.

All I can say, even in here, is that it's lovely to have someone know you for who you aren't, and appreciate that. I'll be eternally grateful.

I finally feel as though something is really truly going RIGHT this year, completely unadulterated and untainted by negative things.

Classes have been all right, and surprisingly or not (perhaps because of my mood?) even Quidditch doesn't seem quite so much of a drag, despite the continued efforts of Stefan Ackerley to make things difficult. But it's a more half-hearted attempt now, thankfully. I'm not yet completely lost to the world not to notice things.

There's been some whisperings amongst people still taking Transfiguration about a special class for advanced students. Hmm, I wonder...

I mean, I don't know if I'm qualified. I finished Transfiguration at the end of last year, and haven't been in any of Professor McGonagall's classes.

I wonder if I can find out from some of the other students about what exactly this special class that Professor McGonagall is offering... is about. Perhaps I'll speak to Pansy, as she's currently enrolled, or perhaps, if I get a chance to see her sometime within the next few days, I'll speak to the professor herself. I wonder, if I promise to keep up on reading and so on, and show continued competence in spells that we learnt last year, I might be let in upon the class?

...So I'm still trying to keep busy. I'm used to it, and besides, I might as well make something of skills that I have! Rather than ramble and stress about endlessly with no clear direction in sight! Other women have faced far more difficult challenges!

Besides, I'm not alone. I have lovely friends such as Padma and Mari (even though I'm sure that she will tease me mercilessly as soon as I run into her), and... Roger.

Things are going well right now. ♥

Surprisingly or not, things are looking up.

Ackerley is still a prat. I'm sure that "accidental" Quaffle throw that missed my head by two centimetres was truly an accident, but then again, I made a very direct speech to the team at the beginning of practice that Ravenclaw, by dint of seniority, should get the Cup this year. Anyone who jeopardizes an otherwise excellent chance would be a fool. If his own teammates are exerting pressures upon him, perhaps he'll behave better.

Aside from that, my plight, I've decided, isn't the worst thing that could possibly happen to someone. I've been assigning people together for rounds in groups that have the least possible chance of... trouble. So far it seems to be working out all right (I'm sure that Padma is grateful to have Lawrence Avery paired with someone else and not following her around in his usual, determinedly flirtatious manner). I myself usually go with Pansy Parkinson, and in the short span of our acquaintance, we've become... friends of sorts.

Recently, she was stuck in a situation that helped me put things in perspective, both by how dire a situation can be, and also by her actions springing from it. When her best friend (towards whom she has nothing but purely platonic feelings, and vice versa) found out that his mother was on the verge of death, the two of them went to see her, and Mrs. Malfoy made them promise to marry.

Being trapped in a loveless marriage: it's not the WORST fate, I suppose, but it would be a terrible thing nonetheless. After all, it's their whole lives' happiness. But... Pansy decided to let the situation motivate her to help search for a cure for Mrs. Malfoy's illness, if at all possible (apparently the product of a long family curse).

The promise has been retracted; Mrs. Malfoy is currently surviving by the aid of a potion, or so I hear, but Pansy's let this guide her into breaking out a path for herself, one that her parents probably disapprove of, as well.

Perhaps there was a reason that we extended our acquaintances; this is just another sign that I, too, should take control of my life, rather than letting it control me, no?

I believe I'll take a leaf out of my Slytherin Prefect's book and perhaps make an appointment with Professor McGonagall sometime within the week to discuss my future.

And in the meantime, I'll go finish my Charms essay, and write a reply to Roger's letter. I really do hope to see him soon! That is, assuming I don't make a complete fool of myself around him. He probably has no comprehension at all of how much I missed him.

I could dwell on a lot of things. Prefect Meetings have not improved much, and I've resorted to raising my voice like some sort of drill sergeant to keep the Quidditch team in order. Blaise Zabini is... well. If I were to be optimistic, I'd say that he makes for an interesting partner. If I were to be realistic, I'd say that I should make sure Millicent Bulstrode doesn't murder me in my sleep for his uncalled-for flirtatious behaviour. I CERTAINLY didn't encourage it, nor do I wish for it. Anyway. I miss Roger certain people who're no longer around more than I'd thought possible or am willing to admit to Marietta, but... there's no time for that.

The recent fiasco with Harry and apparently Mrs. Malfoy (mother of one of the contenders in the Prefect pandemonium) DID have one good thing come out of it.

First of all, Stunned or no by... whatever it was that Harry had released, without his wand at that, I had been attempting to do the right thing. I can live with that. It's better than inactivity, by all means.

And then, I spoke to Professor McGonagall about-- just all this leadership conflict. I didn't tell her that I was stressed out, or what had been transpiring at Prefect Meetings or Quidditch practices, but in general referred to the fact that I, unlike her, didn't know how to inspire the obedience and trust and respect of the people I led.

Apparently it takes practice, just like anything else.

I can practice my feints and dives for Quidditch, and I can practice my spells and potions for classes. This is just another thing that I must conquer. If I think about it that way, perhaps it will become somewhat easier.

And hopefully I'll be able to get things done too.

Roger would be proud, perhaps. I still miss him and wish he were here. I won't be dependent, though. If I do see him again, it will be not as a little sister figure, but someone he can be proud of.

Right. It will take some time, but I'm going to do it. And I won't let such stupid things as Malfoy/Weasley feuds or obnoxious teammates or even that shameless Lothario of a Blaise Zabini get me down.

Perhaps if I keep on repeating this to myself, I'll even start believing it...

Prefect Meetings are a joke. I am at my wits' end... will NOTHING make these--- these 'role models' for their Houses behave themselves?

I feel alone.

I mean, yes, I have my friends. Mari and Padma and so on, and those girls who follow us around, but it's really so tiresome at times. I don't know. I don't want to impose. I don't know if they would understand, at any rate.

I'm Cho Chang, Head Girl, Quidditch captain, top marks in her classes and so on and so forth.

There are just some days when I wish I were anyone else.

I'm a Head Girl whose Prefects seem to all have different agendas, several of whom HATE each other, many of whom don't seem to care a single whit for getting anything done. I'm a Quidditch captain whose team resents her, and I'm a good student who is almost not allowed any mistakes for fear of censure.

Perhaps I am weak.

But I have everything to get together, and an image to maintain, and there are people who expect me to be a certain way, and surely I cannot disappoint them! Not to mention, my whole future rests upon how hard I work this year, and what I can make of myself.

If only I knew what that future entailed: at times, I'm not sure what to believe any more, and I just wonder... is anyone else feeling the same way?

Perhaps no one really talks to me about it because I seem to have it all together. Oh, if only they knew.

I miss having someone to talk to, who just somehow understands how I feel about things, even when I don't necessarily say them aloud. Someone who knows me almost better than I know myself (which I'm not too sure how well that is).

He'd probably have damn good advice on how to make this team behave, too. It was HIS team, after all...

No time to dwell on this for long, though. What's past is past, what's gone is gone... and, I should contact Blaise Zabini about the Defense Against the Dark Arts project. I must keep focus.

Classes are all right thus far, even if they're keeping me quite busy. I've been doing a fair job thus far, and have every intention of continuing. Quidditch trials are going to be at the end of this week as well. So far, three people have expressed an interest, although I hope that, when the time comes, there will be a few more. If nothing else, a greater number of applicants would mean more people to choose from.

On a somewhat related note (or at least this happened when I was talking about additions to our Quidditch team), Marietta seems ot have gotten the idea that I should seduce Roger Davies. Who isn't even at the school any more. Not to mention the fact that I do not go around 'seducing' people. Especially close friends like Roger, who would in the hypothetical situation become terrified and appalled and never speak to me again. Not that this has anything to do with anything in my current existence, but I might as well note it. I do not want to seduce Roger anyway, and I'm sure he has plenty of other girls who are more suited for that sort of purpose.

Padma, from the looks of it, had a very interesting conversation with Harry the other day. I know that she doesn't like him much... and it must have been somewhat awkward to work with someone one doesn't like for class, but they didn't seem to start fighting too badly or anything, so I shall not worry. It would be terribly awkward to... step in between them if they'd been in a disagreement anyway.

I recently had a most interesting conversation with Professor McGonagall, who, thankfully, seems to not have any complaints thus far about how I am conducting things at meetings. Though I do not have her class any more, she seemed willing enough to talk with me about things... transfiguration theories in general, advice on Prefect meetings and how to run things, etc.

Perhaps I'll take her up on the offer to talk some other time. Meanwhile, I have to go to class.

It's another year, after another summer of studying and lectures on why, especially as "a girl from a foreign country, you must be doubly-exceptional to be noticed", and why Quidditch is unladylike and demonic. Yes, yes, mother, I hear you. I'm still playing, though.

It's going to prove an interesting year. We have a new Defense professor, who... seems interesting, but certainly better than that odious Umbridge woman. I believe she's an Auror, and it would be helpful and good to know what it's TRULY like, out there.

Marietta seems to have recovered from that fiasco last year; she visited my dorm, cigarettes and smirk and all, congratulated me on my assignation of Head Girl, and we talked briefly about our summers before she left. I'm rather glad that she's my friend, and not my enemy. And she seems to have had a much more interesting summer than mine, being to Greece and all.

Padma and I shall have our work cut out for us for meetings this year. Seems as though Malfoy and Ron Weasley have brought more into their already enormous feud; something about Weasley's little sister Ginny. Heaven help us all if they're going to pick upon it during meetings! Especially with Ginny ALSO being a Prefect...

Add an insanely cheerful and absurdedly giddy Phillip Summers as Head Boy (I like the bloke, he's a nice fellow, really, but how in the world does he get so much energy!?), an equally (if not more so) hyperactive Colin Creevey as the new 5th year Prefect for Gryffindor (seems excited about it, too. Stopped me in the hallway and literally bounced around saying that it should be FUN... are responsibilities fun? I'm getting off topic). And of course, a smirking Lawrence Avery from Slytherin flirting with everything female without a visibly present large and threatening boyfriend. Honestly, if he wasn't sure that she'd snap at him and take points, the fellow would probably hit on McGonagall. AND Sprout. AND Trelawney. AT THE SAME TIME.

...Yes, we'll just have to get things done AFTER meetings ^^;