x o x o's Journal

(kiss my ass)

Time:	11:28 pm.
Mood:	cold.

you sit and you wait aned you give and you wait and nothing happens, you try but it fails and you think about what you did wrong but all you can come up with is a hope that has been beaten down slowly and a general sense of apathy along with a distinct distaste or distrust for humankind that chills you to your core and makes you hate what you have become or are becoming. you cry and you read and you sleep and you sit in the woods and you think with your pen in your hand and you're ready to go but with all the time in the world nothing comes of it and you have been drained of every fiber of life that kept you going or feeling anything at all. Now you sit and you don't cry and you don't smile and you don't expect and you don't try and you despise yourself for a second until you lose the energy to do so anymore and you fall back asleep for the moment. You pop and you drink and you hope that you die but all that happens is your head in the toilet of a bathroom in west new york with a sharp pain in your side and your last ounce of energy depleted. You wake up and you realize you did everything all wrong and are in desperate need of starting again.

(kiss my ass)

Time:	11:00 am.
Mood:	apathetic.

I feel like I just lost about half a year or so, I didn't write anything down nor was I inspired to. Not in here, not on paper, nowhere. Even at my worst, this has never happend before. I didn't feel a thing. It's been bored and boring and almost always the same, I'm always irritated and can't get happy. Change please.

(kiss my ass)

Time:	12:46 am.
Mood:	worried.

Nothing's ever good enough to stay except the things that don't stay.

(1 sucka | kiss my ass)

Time:

9:16 am.

hi, my name is nicole and i'm never hanging out again! love, me.

(kiss my ass)

Time:

1:26 pm.

can't get up, can't get dressed, can't really move, can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus. i used to do a few sudokus a day, but now the numbers all blur up together and i have a serious amount of trouble doing them. i also can't read anything because my eyes blur the words together and sometimes when i read them they don't seem to make any sense in my head. i don't know what any of this means. maybe i just have too much on my mind. but maybe i should be worried. i think i am.

(kiss my ass)

Time:

4:13 pm.

You know what I have to say to 2005? You sucked, I hated you, and now you're gone. Possibly one of the worst years I've ever had. It was also one of the fastest, and I can remember the least. I will not be sad to see it go. All I can do is hope that next year is better, or at least easier. I'll take the whole year as a test, and seeing that I'm still alive, I suppose I've passed, even if just barely.

(3 suckas | kiss my ass)

Time:	7:36 pm.
Mood:	anxious.

(2 suckas | kiss my ass)

Time:

1:24 am.

thats it. poof gone. maybe now everything will be solved.

(1 sucka | kiss my ass)

Time:

9:50 pm.

I can't do this anymore. The world is going to hell. Everything is so messed up. I don't even know where to start.

(kiss my ass)

Time:

6:59 am.

there is something not right about having to wake up before the sun rises!

(kiss my ass)

Subject:	stream.
Time:	11:48 pm.

why is everything always wrong is has got to be me it has to be i cant think of anything else maybe i have impossible expectations maybe i need too much attention or maybe its my fault because maybe i dont evoke the kind of response that im looking forward to looking forward to i guess im just not that type of girl or not the right type og person maybe i lost that something i had that could make anyone feel close almost too close if you gave me five minutes with them alone that something that would make them bear their souls and open their hearts and be voulnerable and afraid of what could happen from being that close to someone because maybe unfortunately ive turned the tables on myself and ive become one of the people i used to scare ive boarded up i cant enjoy anything i cant look on the bright side and i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel just the dark just the night and ill stay in all day just to hide away from it because i dont want to see anything and i dont particularly want to be seen under lighting that bright i hang my head all the time im perpetually studying the laces on my boots and how they cross like that kind of awkward intersection where the angles are not ninety degrees and no one is sure who is to go first and just for a second you think about going and if you went what if you were to crash because someone else decided to go at the very same moment and what if you hesitate now you really have to let them go first because now there is the factor of confusion and no one can remember who got to their corner first because of the fleeting what ifs running through their mind ruining their time and then i wonder if its normal to think about death or to be lonely all the time and i wonder if its possible to feel completely alone and disconnected while surrounded by many and i wonder if ive lost my voice completely i wonder where it has gone and if or when it will ever return and why if we know things are right then how come they are so hard to do even if they are so simple like speaking up or speaking your mind when spoken to or asking a question when you are asked if you have one or striking up a conversation with someone who is sitting all alone in the corner pretending to read the same page of the paper over and over again for hours and i wonder if its me and i think that it has to be and i think that i have things good but nothing is worth anything if you cant feel because feeling is the most important thing and apathy is what gets me the most and then i realize what my biggest enemy is and i realize that i need life lots and lots of life and living and not being afraid but i dont know how to do any of this so i decide to stop thinking and give in and go to bed

(2 suckas | kiss my ass)

Time:

12:07 pm.

im soooooo tired, it's unbelievable. I can't take a nap because I never trust myself to wake up on time. Today I start my new job and I'm nervous bout it. I also have to take my last final today. Last day ever at BCC, this time for real. Last night Santa yelled at me for trying to take a picture with Sponge Bob. Apparently you're not allowed to take pictures in public anymore? OH yeah, that is unless you pay santa five bucks. Christmas spirit my ass!

(kiss my ass)

Time:

9:39 pm.

if this isn't just a winter slump i don't think i know what to do with myself

(1 sucka | kiss my ass)

Subject:	my dreams are making me anxious
Time:	1:56 am.
Mood:	anxious.

ok. so a copy of napoleon dynamite mysteriously appeared in my house. I just noticed it today when I was looking for a holiday movie to watch after playing scrabble for a very long time. There it was, sitting on the table. How did it get there? Who put it there? Apparently, nobody knows. It's a total mystery. It's messing with my head really bad. I keep having these dreams about death and how you don't really even know when your dead. When you die, you don't know you die because you don't remember dying, and you look exactly the same. You have the same life you've always had. Some people are alive and some are dead. Then some force tells you that you have died and now this is your life and that only some people, the dead not the living, can see you. Now you know why no one has been talking to you. It's because they can't see you. They can't hear you. Only the dead can, and thats how youknow who is living and who is dead. But you are only like this for a while, until you get sucked into this blue-white vacuum when you go from Earth to somewhere else entirely. This is when you find out that everything you thought was real was fake. Everything you thought was life and death was all made up. Every person every word everyone said every piece of nature you invented it all. It was just a dream and you are just an idea. You are not a person. You made up people. You made up animals and nature and weather and water. You made up wars and crime and violence and hate. You made up every occupation and every law. You made up history and life and death, you made up words and religion and faith and hate and love. You did it all. you made up time. You were not you or what you thought you were. You were an idea. It was only the dream of an idea, and the idea of a dream. Where everything meant something, but nothing means anything because there isn't even any meaning to be made.

Then I thought for a while about how, if one third of your life is spent sleeping, how is your life in dreams not any more valid then your life the other two thirds of the time? What makes this two thirds real and the other one third made up or fake? Who is to say that it's not the other way around, if any way at all?

On another note, most people get three weeks off from school. Due to my transfer, I get almost six weeks! Also, I finally had an interview last thursday, and I might have messed it up because I have trouble controling my laughter at inappropriate moments. Maybe she thought I had a sense of humor? Maybe , maybe not. I'll find out soon enough!

(2 suckas | kiss my ass)

Time:

3:02 pm.

I had a dream that an old senile woman got into my house and put wine in my cat's water bowl and the cats drank it and got real drunk and everyone was chasing them around with nets trying to catch the drunk cats and they were stumbling and jumping and having a good time when they started speaking english and taunting everyone about being too slow to catch them and about how a giant cat was coming to take over the earth and everyone was happy because even that would be better than george w. the end.

(4 suckas | kiss my ass)

Time:	2:59 am.
Mood:	drained.

Now that I no longer smoke, whenever I am in a smokey area, I can barely breathe. When my clothes and hair smell like smoke when I get home at night, it makes me want to gag. I get really nauseous. Is that weird? I have been COMPLETELY smoke free now (and by completely I mean even when I'm very intoxicated) for thirty three days.

My head has been on backwards for a while now. It's getting harder to have the motivation to do much of anything besides school... and that's kind of weird, I guess. Then again, it is almost time for finals. But I don't even have the temptation to go out and party or drink or anything. I think I got tired of feeling like shit, perhaps. Maybe it was that last two day long hangover and my increasing anxiety. It's hard to leave the house sometimes. I now hate driving because it makes me anxious, as do a lot more things. It's hard to get up. I feel intimidated by everyone/thing. I can't even really talk even without feeling ridiculously stupid. I wish someone understood.

(1 sucka | kiss my ass)

Subject:	insomnia
Time:	2:21 am.
Mood:	awake.

Do something with yourself. Make something of your life. I know that you can do it, even though I don't know who you are. If you're reading this, you're at a computer. If you have at least that much, you have more than a lot of people. Sure, making excuses is easy. Sure, waiting for something to happen is too. Sure, being complacent takes no effort at all. I know I'm tired of it, and that is all that I know. I have a bad feeling about a lot of things sometimes. More like an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Just in general I suppose. Not for personal reasons, but for life. I know I've said it before, but it still remains true. I don't understand how so much power gets into the hands of so few people. How everything is so unequally distributed. I wonder if in the future my favorite trees are going to get cut down and used for something, or even nothing at all, perhaps paved over, or perhaps torn down so that some type of convenient store or dollar store or discount store or corporate chain store can be built where the employees hate every second of their lives while they work there and their superiors who happen to be less qualified than them are ripping them out of money while they struggle to support their family to make a living and wouldn't we all be better off if this was just.... a tree?

I can't sleep a lot of the time. The only way I can just fall asleep when I'm tired is if I'm not alone. This makes me feel sort of dependant, sort of weak, and very real. So it's ok. I just miss my boy right now. Not only because I want to sleep but mostly because hes the one out of ten who doesn't look at me weird or ask me why I take pictures of the things that I do, and I love him for it.

xoxo