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At last, the heat and humidity are broken, and I am whole in the cool fall of the Mother's cleansing hand. Woke to trees whispering their gratitude, wind caressing my face through the open window, thunder rumbling like a dragon in restless sleep. Feet were warmed by the dog who's adopted me and follows me from room to room, lungs were filled with fresh, cool, dry air, and near me slept a beautiful girl... (on a separate bed, thank you, we're taking things slowly.) I have discovered (no, not just now, but a long time ago,) that nothing has as much potential for giving me a good morning's start than the soft breathing, the gentle curves, the scent of a woman next to me when I wake. That in combination with the storm outside made me feel alive this morning. In spite of difficulties, pain and mental/physical fatigue, I am glad to be awake this morning, and alive. My love to those who love me, my indifference to those who don't, and to those somewhere in the middle, my sincerest apologies for my insensitive callousness. Focus is... difficult, these days. I am self-absorbed by reflex. Head-games and emotional booby-traps stud the path before me like black sequins. I'll get through it eventually. If you do not, I am most sorry for it. It is my loss, entirely. Either way, I think of you with love, and gratitude. Moonlight. Blessings. More periodically. Current Music: The thought of having coffee outside in the rain.
Current Mood:  calm
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Just so everyone is "on the same page," this is the current status of my imposed identity for the masses:
(And I quote...)
"Yes Eric, why dont you tell these good people the truth about how you treated Tabatha? Or is that beneath you to be honest these days? Yes I will give her a name to whom you call "Wife". When she was out here visiting me and Chris ( my husband ) months ago I was stunned at what a beautiful woman she was. I had been online with her talking to her as a sister and friend for 2 years on AOL, during which the time you two were still married and together. She was on her way to see her family. She had restrictive cardiomyopathy. Why pretend you did not know?? She had a heart condition for years. She had tests ran when you were married to her and with her. You knew what the doctors told her.
Tell us, how does one go about a divorce proceeding when the person is not around anymore?
I don't understand why this need to lie. You treated her terribly. When she was out here she showed me some emails she had sent to you asking if you were seeing another person. And you out and out lied to her!
As I said, I was a support person to her for 2 years. I was on the phone alot with her when she was crying and an emotional wreck. You treated her terrible. Why not be honest about pushing her down, yelling at her, pushing her down when she was pregnant with your child and causing her to miscarry, then toward the end all you did was ignore her when she begged for some scrap of attention from you. I dont feel Iam being biased at all. Ive seen some of the mails you sent to her. She showed them to me and Reep. I hope you understand this, she was my sister. I didnt realize what a beautiful person she really was till I met her face to face. I know the hell she went through cause I saw her through it and I begged her to leave you. She rather cut her wrists and die, than get out and try to be happy. No, she kept telling me things would get better with you and they never did.
Blame me.
I told her to leave.
I told her to get out. Im glad she did. At least she got to see the one thing you promised to give her and didnt.
Why not tell these people how you purposefully ingored her night after night playing your nintendo or gameboy games while she was asking for your attention. You didnt want her and you threw her away in my opinion.
I dont give a damn about what you do in your future, but I'll be hanged if I sit by and allow you to defame the memory of her. I wish I could post a picture I took of her while she was here. To give a face to her.
You go on and do as you will. I pity the likes of you or anyone else who is fooled by your bullshit.
From my recollection you played this same silver-tongued crap on her when you first met her online too. It was to her detriment she believed in you.
Maji - Mary Korsen"
Kiss-kiss to you too. You couldn't be biased here, could you?
First: It is not beneath me to be honest. This is not a chat room. This is my space to rant, carry on, dream, babble, or anything else I personally choose to do. If you do not like the content or the slant thereon, do not read it. You will upset yourself much less. In other words, milady, if you can't take the fangs, stay away from the wolf's mouth.
Second (out of order, appologies, but see directly above): The reason I only rarely (if ever) refered to my wife by name was do avoid exactly that kind of defamation in a public forum, and never gave out my own last name for further protection of all involved. Had you been a stranger, you'd never have known it was me or her. You are no stranger (to her, at least,) and thus apparently have some stake in this. Which is why I bother with it at all.
Third:I could go on my own rant about "honesty" and "faith" here, but I refuse. As I said, this is not a public flame-forum, and I refuse to allow it to degenerate into such. It is a personal space for myself and my friends to converse on, and, apparently, you.
Fourth: The cardiac condition. Yes, I was aware she had (again, I quote) a "mild mitral valve prolapse." She never let it keep her from doing anything, and was never particularly concerned about it as far as I could tell. Why I bother with this here is beyond me. No, no "tests" were run during our marriage that I was aware of that indicated anything more serious.
Fifth: I'm glad she was beautiful when you met her. I have no idea what she looked like. I haven't seen Tabatha in over... what... a year and a half now?
Sixth: One goes about a divorce proceeding this way: One tells a judge that he hasn't seen his wife in a year and a half, tells him she intended separation when she left, tells him he hasn't heard her voice in better than a year, and tells him he no longer desires to be married to the lady in question, due to "Irreconcilable Differences." That is how one divorces a spouse one hasn't seen in a year and a half. I'm sure pamphlets are available.
Seventh: You've made mention of her "not being around anymore," and how you "knew her and loved her." I am assuming for the moment this means something bad has happened, but you have yet to clarify, and I've dealt too often with people who use such vagueries to disguise some non-critical situation as a dire circumstance to inspire guilt. (Note: no names named. Aren't I sweet?) If you have information regarding Tabatha, please share. Otherwise, I'll assume it's another AOHell head game and disregard any further mention of it completely.
Eighth, yes, I did push her once, in the heat of the worst argument we ever had. It was not intended as a physical blow, but as a means to get past her (she had cornered me... a very bad thing to do when I'm angry) and get out of the house so I could master my own anger. I have always regretted it from the moment it happened, am not proud of it, and will not lie about it. Being married to me in Missouri was no joy. I WAS a complete asshole there, and because of the superhuman stresses and hellish circumstances we were going through at the time from outside our marriage, I doubt either of us were the people we had met and married six years before. I do not explain this as some defense or excuse. There is no excuse for pushing her. None. But there were reasons for our split, and those reasons were very real, to both of us, as were the reasons for staying together as long as we did. Like it's your business, Mary.
By the way, I commend you for the use of your name in your E-mail. It's probably the only reason I responded.
Ninth: I "Blame" nobody but myself and Tabatha for our separation. I am disappointed, though not surprised, that you have persued this line of offense on only half a story, but nothing can be done for it. People are like that. Drama is, unfortunately, addictive. Mine will end here, thank you.
And, I'm hardly "silver-tongued." I'm a verbal klutz. But devoted to communication over reactionary aggression. So I guess there's a silver lining, anyway. Yes?
Moonlight and Blessings.
More later.
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Judging from my last entry (by proxy) and the replies thereto that I have only now read, I am wondering: what has become of the lady I married so long ago and only now am giving my goodbyes to? To any (with a clue about "the truth" or not) who might know this, know that I am unaware of her whereabouts and have been for better than a year. Do not chastise unthinkingly what you have no part of. Ask, and share what you know. It may be that a different light might be shed on things I have experienced from my (apparently)excluded viewpoint. I am not, as I have always maintained, afraid to stand behind my own actions and admit mistakes IF I have made them. I challenge you, O gentle reader, to do the same. Mistakes cannot be corrected if they are left to fester. Beyond this disturbingly ominous backdrop, I am returned from the Silent Land (i.e. the world without an internet,) and am back in Lewiston, where I prefer to be. I apologize sincerely to those who have worried about me in my absence, and I will try my best to sign on and answer regularly again. My E-mail has, of course, changed, and I will send it to all in need of it for personal correspondence, though I intend to be a bit more cagey about it this time. :::grumbles::: Reactionaries make my hindquarters itch. To those wondering, YES, 'tis moi. Only I am continually mired in this brand of chaos. :::sigh::: I long for caffeine today. To my detractors: instead of shutting down my E-mail, try using it to communicate with me instead of automatically assuming I'm the heartless bastard I know I am. AOHell was left behind for solid reasons, and knee-jerk stupidity was one of them. To my friends: again, apologies. The Idaho Falls move was ill-fated, and the move back was... chaotic. But I am back, for better or worse, and I await your adulation and/or abuse with equal enthusiasm, as have missed you all. Moonlight and Blessings. More later. Current Music: The pinless grenade I found waiting here for my return.
Current Mood:  discontent
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I am forced by dread of road-fatigue to try to sleep by 8pm or so tonight, which will be a feat if I can accomplish it. Tomorrow I'll be driving into the sunrise. I am... nervous. I despise angstiness, and abhor whininess in my own posts even more so. But I am intimidated by the implications and possibilities of this move. Change frightens me. Always, ever has it been so. I am a child of stable, well-worn paths. I dislike diversions into chaos that, ironically, I do not control. I keep telling myself that I can return to Lewiston with a word, that even without my parents and all that ride with them, I can make it in Idaho Falls or ANYWHERE for that matter, so long as my instincts remain sharp and my wits are about me. I am, to some degree, skilled, though the practical, profitable skills I have are anathema to my happiness, being that they were developed in a hellish situation and remind me relentlessly of said. Brave. She tells me I am brave. I will endeavor to be so. To... remain so. I am told by beauty that I am beautiful. Told by perseverance that I can persevere. Told by strength that I am strong. Told by love that I am missed. May all of you be where I am going, somewhere in my journey, that I can someday show my gratitude to you. I will never forget the debts I owe to those who have earned my utmost respect, my ironclad loyalty, my rare and hard-won friendship. With you all, I feel like I belong. :::raises cup::: To you, in my companionship, if not my company. I will keep you, gentle reader, appraised of my progress as my journey unfolds. J, I'll call or E-mail as the road permits to soothe your nerves (and mine.) Moonlight and Blessings. More later. Current Mood:  nervous
Current Music: tomorrow's progress, yet to be.
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All is basically well, but when I start thinking about specifics the devil truly is in the details. As most (?) of my friends know already, I'm moving to Idaho Falls to be around my father in his winter years, and to get a better grasp on my own life as well. Unfortunately, this also entails living in the same house with my parents, at least for a while, minimum. I am accustomed to living beneath my own roof, doing as I please, and not having rules laid down to me without openly scoffing and presenting an even longer list of demands for my own amusement. (Independent? Me?) Now I find my urge toward individuality squelched by my desire to remain friendly with my stepmother, who is currently driving me up the wall. ( Here the ranting begins. You can skip this safely.Collapse ) :::sigh::: At least I can see a silver lining. Every day spent is a day closer to what lies beyond the stresses and little agonies of the Move. A day closer to Jessica, and the continuation/realization of what could, eventually, be epic. A day closer to Alaska, and adventure in the return to my motherland, not to mention reacquaintance with my sister. A day closer to (yet) another new start, though I must admit, I'm getting weary of the whole concept behind "starting over." I'd rather find some conclusions and STICK TO THEM. Soon. Sooner every day. Patience. Many things can be said about my life. "Boring," surprisingly, is not one of them. I think of myself as a quiet, unassuming person. I do not ask often for the exploits of the adventurer, nor ever for the tragedies of the hero's beginnings. I am boring, by my personal definition at least. Admittedly, some of the things that afflict me are, I'm sure, blown out of proportion by my sense of dramatic irony, but not all, gentle reader. Oh no, not all. Even I am not that blind. Stay tuned. Who knows what's going to happen next. More later. Moonlight and Blessings. P.S. - I might have trouble posting reliably next week. Trip One (of likely four or more) to Idaho falls begins Tuesday. Keep your tootsies crossed for me, dearest ones. Current Mood:  frustrated
Current Music: Aches, be they physical, emotional, or... otherwise. (kick)
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Smitten? Perhaps, yes. I shall leave the definition and severity thereof to others in light of the following evidence. ( Here there be dragons. You are duly warned.Collapse )The move continues. I have devoted many hours and much effort to it, and far too much sleep lost. My apartment is packed, moved, done. Nezperce is next, then on to Idaho Falls where my base of operations is to be. Maybe a visit to Oregon after that, and perhaps then, with my sister, to Alaska by way of the Yukon Highway. Newport, Oregon... pressure in my bones, restlessness, craving. Soon. Anchorage, Alaska... my motherland, a place I've promised myself a visit to for a very, very long time. After that, I do not know. I will see how things happen in their order, and I will keep in mind that I have no anchors anywhere anymore. I am... free. Freedom, in small part, is a commodity to be traded for the things in life that are most important, but bear the greatest responsibilities with them. And I plan to spend that currency wisely. Toward my own happiness, for a change. And, perhaps, hers. Moonlight and Blessings. More later, as the move allows. Patience. Current Music: A feeling I cannot ignore, or explain away for safety's sake
Current Mood:  busy
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