Elevated Highway

I'm Demimonde Mesila Thraam. You can just call me Mesila.

Though I am now 45 years old, I have steadfastly managed to get to this age and NOT grow up. I probably need to do something about that, but I'm not "rarin' to go" on that one.

Though I think of myself as having no real gender identity at all, the gynecologist would say that I've always been female.

I live in San Francisco, California, in the relatively Disunited States of America, where I lead a life that's interesting, provocative and somewhat dubious.

(I've been an American hikikomori for about 3 years now. I think I have to break down and admit "interesting" and "provocative" don't really describe my present life that well: although life HAS been "interesting and provocative" for me, and it's certainly possible that it will be "interesting and provocative" again.)

But I'm doing exactly what a lot of you are doing...living my entire social life over the internet. I'm a better writer than I am a talker. How the hell was it that people like me ever managed to get by before we could communicate without being able to endlessly edit our output and analyse (and sometimes overanalyse) the input of the persons we were communicating with?

I think I used to be able to do that, once.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The latter half of the double-zeroes was a protracted trauma-drama--and at this finally-achieved and muchly relieved point, the less said of it, the better; the less thought of it, the more its details slide into forgottenness. Basically I spent 2007 and 2008 and two thirds of 2009 in the stunned, mostly-dead-inside aftermath of a complicated breakup of a decade long relationship that I'd thought was 'the one'. In September of 2009, I got to begin sharing my life with a Cat, and not just any cat but one with superb intelligence and sleek health....and that was what started the first swing upwards after an interminable breakup-breakdown aftermath.

I realised with amazement that I could feel something other than either Pain or Nothingness, again. Which is nothing but GREAT.

What lies in front of me is restoring what got sucked out of me, and recovering from the atrophies to mind and body accruing from that lengthly aftermath, which may have done worse things to me, retrospectively observing it all, than the trauma's causes did. It's intrinsically vital to forget this psychorejuvenation process, in order to maintain the ability to continue actually doing it.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Owing to all of my pre-extant, non-specific social phobias, along with the only very-slowly-fading ones of more recent vintage...you may find that I'm someone who can be fairly difficult to get to know. I do hope you'll be patient with me, unless I am being just insufferable, for no good reason. In that case, please, please don't avoid confrontation and call that a solution. Tell me I'm being impossible and why, and how you would like me to be instead - and if applicable, how. You might think some things are so obviously known by everyone that you won't notice how here and there, there are social behaviours I simply lack a shred of experience of at all, or have some experience, but all of it resulted in abject failure. Go ahead and laugh if you must, but then take the time to teach me how to behave RIGHT so that I won't just keep alienating you over and over again.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I can be both too shy and too loud at times. It confuses people. I can understand how it would.

I'm not bipolar - I'm manic depressive. The old term is better since the new one fails to mention the good part. You could not pay me to take lithium, I like my manic phasing. Without it, I'd feel dead.




ABOUT "CHORONZON"

Although it's being written about a lot less now than it once was (this being the beginning of 2010) a great deal of the writing in this journal once dealt with an entity named Choronzon, and/or the media-project that was named after it, that I am one part of.

To read more about this mythos and to see and hear the project's works, go here. The reason I don't write about this stuff as much here any more is that when I do write about it, I usually put that on the blog about my Weird Religious Beliefs, which is called Dances With Eidolons.