maybe it's not as much as i think but everything takes longer than i expect. so my brain feels overwhelmed even though i'm nearly done with my preparations. i don't like the procrastinating nature that still resides in me. i used to have my journal called the Master Procrastinator but i didn't want to label myself and i have been trying to speak more positively over myself than in the past.

i have a couple more pieces to finish up so i can pack up my car for the first of a three-day crafting event this weekend. my first is immediately after work tomorrow nite at Morris Knolls High School. i did fairly well last year and i would've done better had i been able to make more products. this year my plan is nearly at fruition and i'm slacking since i'm tired. i been working on stuff all week whenever i can. i'm on a mission...

saturday and sunday will find me at the Gingerbread Wonderland at the Frelinghuysen Arboretum. so i'm closer to home with that one but still need to make sure i have enough products available. we shall see...

ok. i think my brain has had enough of a break. maybe i needed to let out the overwhelm so i can move on with my life ;) i do need to sleep at some point in order to deal with my kindergarten class for a full day. oh God help me :/

and that's ok.

so what would i put for mood: erratic? perhaps. but overall ok.

i have some praise reports along with some injury reports.

let's begin, shall we?

so last sunday we had a great day of worship. we all needed to be in the presence of God. honestly i need to be in His presence more often. i can tell the difference when i've been enveloped by the beauty of His holiness and when i've allowed myself to be taken in by the cares of this world. some of the cares are real and in my face, but He keeps reminding me that His grace is sufficient for me. i need to keep reminding myself of that when i have students who regurgitate the rudeness that comes from their parents. i need to remind myself of that when i find out more and more of how horribly the center where i work is run.

this too shall pass. it always does but it's hard to see when immersed and submerged in the situation. i can do this through the strength that i get from the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead. i need to walk in that authority.

so back to last sunday. had a great day and into the night i was letting bella and diesel out for their "last time out." i slipped on my sock or tripped over bella. maybe both. either way i lose my balance and come crashing down on bella's head. my leg, foot and other hand land on the stairs. i'm hurt but i can't tell how badly. i start to cry. everything makes me cry these days. i think i've hurt bella and i'm sad and feel horrible and i cry. my body is in pain and i don't know if i can walk. and i cry. the dogs are both looking at me wondering what happened. my brother hears me crying and asks if i'm ok. i tell him i'm not sure. he walks over and sees the dogs looking puzzled. i realize how bad my foot hurts at this point. can i walk on it? sort of. i'm in so much pain.

i hobble down the rest of the stairs to where my husband heard nothing. he sees something is wrong and i ask him to get our ice pack. i tell him about my fall and i'm not sure if i need to go to the hospital. i see the time and i don't want to go since i'll end up sitting around for several hours to probably find out i bruised my bone or something. rob inspects my foot and sees no visible bruise or swelling. not going to the hospital. so i ice it and go to sleep.

my foot has been paining off and on all week. i finally get to the doc and have an xray. not broken. yay! i can still say i've never broken a bone. i've jammed bones and in this case it's safe to say i dislocated a bone but not broken. praise God!! the doc squeezed my foot to see where the pain was and i heard or felt something pop. he claims he didn't but i know i did. i think my toe is back in place.

i've been able to walk better ever since. when i see my chiropractor again, i'll have him look at my foot.

soooo... on to better things!
i'm finishing up my first semester back in grad school to complete my certification for special education. school is super expensive and i refuse to take out anymore loans in order to complete my masters degree. i'm still paying off my 2nd bachelor's degree. um, no thank you.

so i was entitled a sum of money as trustee over an account and i got to write a check for $1k!! that was a big step in the direction i needed to go to pay the first month's payment for my upcoming semester. my credit card company just increased my limit again by $2k and this is the card i use to pay my tuition. i pay off enough each month to pay another tuition payment. i do it this way due to convenience and since i earn points on this credit card so my husband and i can take our first real vacation since our honeymoon. he is used to having vacations and i'm not since i haven't been able to afford one in about 7+ years.

i fully expect that to change. i got my $5k i've been expecting. allow me to explain.

i follow a marketing coach who teaches that you need to expect what you want and have a plan for the money that you're expecting and you attract it to yourself. now it may not come all at once and not how you expect but it does come! i played this game myself and the way my $5k came was 2 increases of 2k on my credit card and 1k in cash. so amazing! so now i'm expecting $10k. i've been applying to scholarships to help pay for school and that would be great since it would pay for a semester and a half. any bit helps.

another pleasant surprise was that my monthly tuition payment is $300 less than last semester. at first i looked to make sure that was correct. the difference was that i was able to begin payments a month earlier than last time and gave myself an extra month over which to stretch my payments. so booyah to that! now i can pay off the credit card more to have available for my next 2 payments. God always provides but not always in the way i think it will happen. keeps me on my toes.

i will be getting paid in cash from future tutoring sessions with one of my students which will make it easier for me to save up for the convertible laptop that i want. my current laptop has not been cooperating with me on a consistent basis and now that i'm getting more customers with my crochet business, i want to have a functional way to take payments and also to take notes in upcoming classes. i could be marketing my business while in class since i am fully capable of multitasking like that. i feel like much of my time sitting in class could be put to better use while i'm absorbing the lecture. wish i could crochet during class. i did have one class where my professor didn't mind me crocheting since she knew i have trouble sitting still. and i still took notes and participated in class, so why not?

in any case, i'll update when i start getting my $10k. i can't wait. will be so exciting!

today was an interesting day... i been battling a cold or sinus infection or whathaveyou. so i spent a couple hours at the doctor today and got some antibiotics. that was the least exciting part of my day besides my nap, i guess. hahahaha... i was excited that since i don't have insurance, my doc listed my visit as the lowest price they charge. good stuff. he also gave me some samples of nasal spray so i could breathe. hooked me up with minimally priced amoxicillin to battle what ails me.

ok so i get home and everything is pretty normal. i hang with buddy and bella outside since i heard it was going to rain for the next several days. i wanted to have the animals outside so they could enjoy the fresh air as much as possible before having to be cooped up more than usual.

so buddy is playing with his ball, bella is chewing on her bone. more of the usual. buddy wants me to throw his ball and i kick is very lightly coz i don't want to hurt him by wearing out his legs since they been botherin him for the last several months.

around 6:30pm nick was outside with the dogs and he let buddy play ball a little bit. we used to let buddy run around like a crazy dog but he was gettin to old for that. he loved to run but then we would see him limp around later. no thank you.

nick was throwin the ball to buddy and it was only a couple times. four at the most. buddy brought the ball back and fell over. like he was standing upright and then just tipped over and started convulsing. my poor puppy. it was so hard to watch that. i called for my mom and me and nick stayed with buddy. i was scared. i almost went into crisis mode: you, go call 911 and bring me back the AED.

but what do you do for a dog? i froze. watched as buddy twitched for a little while then lie still on the patio. i called sal and tracie. i couldn't help but cry. he will always hold a special place in my heart. he was my first dog. i spent so much of my time with buddy as he grew up. people thought he was my dog.

i'm thankful for the nearly 10 years i got to spend with my Buddy. i can still hear Gramp call him "nothin but a dog" and all the walks we took together and our cuddle times. he really was like my dog. when i took him to puppy kindergarten. wow. so many memories. love him. i always will that's why there's no "d." i'm also thankful that God took Buddy quickly and any pain he would have is gone now. it was hard to witness but i'm still glad that i was there for my puppy boy.

love you, buddy 10/21/2002 - 4/25/2012

going hiking with scotty tomorrow after making easter pies with mom. getting my camera ready. never been to pyramid mountain but i'm excited to go hiking. interesting that this is the most often scotty and i have seen each other since we dated. or were playmates. but that's the past. it's springtime. time of new beginnings. we'll see if this is a new beginning for scotty and me. hmmmm...

well, the client that we couldn't wait to have leave appears to have left me something to remember her by. not cool. my head is clogged and so are my ears. that's why i hear them crackling. but i'm working on a healing because i am already healed in the name of Jesus!!

i can't believe Easter is this weekend. we tend to call it Resurrection Sunday. for He is risen, just as He said. such a wonderful service we will have on sunday. i can't wait!!

saturday we're supposed to make the meat and cheese pies for the holiday. takes a bit of doing so looks like my tentative plans for hiking would be a no go anyway. scotty & i were gonna go hiking. supposed to be a beautiful day. unless somehow we get to finish in time but i don't want to be rushed either. i guess worst case scenario is that i take bella for a walk. i really wanted to check out pyramid mountain. prolly another day for that.

what i found impressive was that scotty asked me several days in advance. niiiice. more effort. a girl could get used to this. such gentlemanly manner he's developed over the years. my scotty has grown to a mature man. now, if he loved God the way i do? we'd be ready to go.

i continue to pray for scotty coz i think he's on the brink. i don't imagine any guy who walks in the ways of the world would put this kind of effort in without expecting some return on investment. scotty already knows i don't plan to sleep with anyone else until i get married. so... what's with all this effort? interesting...

so much has been happening but i admit most of my time is spent playing on facebook.

can't be postin whatever i want there though. too many connections to the people i work with and whatnot. lately i've been been prayin like nobody's business and fasting daniel-style. it's been an incredible experience so far.

Jesus said that some things will only be gone due to prayer and fasting. i've prayed before but i've noticed that the times that i pray while fasting amazing things happen. God takes notice of the things i'm praying for since i'm making a sacrifice of food or something else that is important to me.

i have praise reports, that's for sure! my God is sooooo good. :D the very first time i was fasting was years ago. i was doing the Master Cleanse. so i was technically fasting. i did read my Bible during the times when i would have been eating. i pray regularly but i don't remember praying about anything in particular then. the amazing result of that time was one of my best friends coming to know Jesus as her personal Savior! that was a rush for me but it meant so much more to my friendship with her. she's not just my friend anymore, she's my sister in Christ. nothing can break a bond like that. what was even better was that i got to help lead her to Christ during one of the Autumn Blaze concerts at continental airlines arena. a hallmark moment in my life.

i started out doing a daniel fast for 31 days. while in the midst of said fast i decided to kick it up to a 40 day fast after some further teaching about fasting from my pastor. the number 40 is very significant in the Bible. what struck me more was the specifics pastor gave us. beelzebub, a name for satan, means "lord of the flies..." the lifespan of a fly can vary by species from 1 day to 40 days. in order to rid flies from a garden or plants or some other such situation, fly killer must be used for 40 consecutive days. coincidence? i think not. pastor went on to talk about the ointment (oil) used in the tabernacle as part of the pleasing fragrance to God. when flies get in the ointment it smells.

i don't want flies in my ointment!! so 40 days it is. i always forget what day i'm on so i have to go check. day 27 complete as of tonite. it's been easier than i thought it would be but i also asked for God's help before i started. i don't mess around...

so the amazing thing that happened during this time of fasting is that one of my closest friends from college got a job after being unemployed for nearly a year! i've been rejoicing along with him and i know he's breathing a sigh of relief.

we've been learning that when we fast, we are not always fasting for things that need changing in our own lives. many times we are but not always. i've been finding that the lives of people around me have been shaken up since i've been fasting and i believe it's for their benefit that i'm on this fast.

i have yet another friend who needs a miracle from God and i believe she shall have it. if you can believe, anything is possible for him who believes. Mark 9:23

i can't wait to see what else God has in store! of course there's some weight loss involved too which is much welcomed but that will definitely come when you eat no animal products, dairy, bread or sugar.

with that... long live hummus!

this morning i had a dream that the boyfriend of a choir friend died. i think it was due to a motorcycle accident. in my dream the guy who died, darren squashic, was friends with my brother salvee. i do not believe this to be true in real life. i remember salvee, sosely and some others were sitting in a wooded area and they mentioned the name of who died. i was like: did you say darren squashic? i know who that is! he's dating one of the girls from choir.

i remember being distressed during the dream because of the sadness i knew it would cause mary. when i woke up i had to check facebook to see if it was true or not. sooo weird.

some things have changed since i've been here last. those of you who are on facebook can see our new dog Bella. she's a blue-nosed pitbull. soooo cute but cannot be trusted not to jump a fence to get to the pitbull next door. apparently they are good friends once they see each other face to face. whew! bella is gettin snipped tomorrow & will spend the night at the vet. i'll miss her. she's been my new friend. buddy doesn't sleep in my room hardly at all anymore. not when he can have a couch or armchair all to himself. hahahaha... so bella has been enjoying staying in my room. only thing is that she snores like nobody's business... gotta love 'er though.

scotty & i had been chatting by text on occasion these days. nothin goin on there i'm sure. i can't say that my feelings for him have disappeared entirely but i have to keep my distance to some degree. i cannot let myself get distracted by him. he's back from PA and so he's much closer. i had considered going to see him at some point but it was a trip to see another mutual friend of ours that i would include seeing scott. not an issue anymore. but no big deal. i do get annoyed when he doesn't return my messages. he & i work overnight shifts during the week and keep each other company through the night. awwww... how sweet. but he also has a job where the boss gives him a hard time if he's using his phone during shift. i don't have that issue. texting helps keep me awake. so instead i bring the laptop i got myself as a gift to help with finishing school.

oh school. that's another thing. i've been able to pay for school as of late but i've decided that forensic psych isn't really my passion. not as a profession anyway. i'm fascinated by the study of criminal behavior but to actually be in that type of setting from a day to day basis doesn't lead me to do cartwheels.

so many people over the years have asked if i was going to pursue teaching. i've been a preschool teacher, which is a challenge all its own... but i've registered to take the Praxis exam to apply for a different program within the same school i currently attend. i really have no desire to switch schools or to have to commute anywhere. morristown is about as far as i'm willing to go right now. so i'm going to take the praxis for elementary school: general content to apply to a program resulting in a teaching certificate for K-5. i've fought this long enough.

i've heard it said that whatever it is you were interested in as a 9 year old is what God was calling you to do in life. i used to play school with my stuffed animals. teaching my "students" and getting to grade papers sounded like fun to me. i love to learn stuff so to me that goes hand in hand. when i asked my mom what she thought i would be good at, she says: learning. so there you have it. when i spoke to my professor about it tonite after class, he says i would still have time if i change my mind and while i'm teaching could be the best time to take more classes. he even mentioned med school. whaaaat?! but that's because of my bio minor from montclair.

i really want to teach at the school my church started last year. it will take me another year or so to finish my teaching program so that's not really an issue at this point. i think my mom will be shocked but not really. she supports whatever decision i make. it's just that i hadn't been able to make up my mind. over the last couple months when i make time to get quiet and listen to what God has to say to me, it's all becoming more clear. i love forensics and it could still be something of interest to me, especially on tv but whatever.

during my journaling/quiet time on 7/22/09 i asked if forensic psych was a distraction from what i should really be doing...( here was my response... Collapse )

then again on 9/21/09 i couldn't sleep and had more quiet/journal time. i was thinking about my future yet again. i remember wanting to be a teacher at age 9 then when i got to middle school i turned to darker things. read stephen king as if no other books existed and then became interested in psychology. forgot all about my desire to be a teacher. i'm definitely discouraged about my future in forensic psych and i don't want to feel overwhelmed by darkness.

( here's my other response...Collapse )

who couldn't use some love once in awhile...

1. Reply to this entry if you want me to tell you how cool you are!
2. Watch my journal over the next few days for a post just about you and why you rock my socks.
3. Post these instructions in your journal and give your friends a much needed dose of love and adoration!

and i promise to get to it as soon as i can since i'm procrastinating on a final paper i've got brewin over here... *loves you all* !

well, anyway... i finished my master cleanse and it couldn't end soon enough. i was looking forward for it to be over. i lost about 10 lbs total but it's not about the weight loss. of course you lose weight coz you're not eating.

i've been eating solid food for several weeks now and i've started posting my stuff on sparkpeople.com to track my eating and fitness stuff. so far i've lost about 2 lbs. yay!

i have a goal to look so much better before my 34th birthday. that's not too far away. a couple of friends and i are supporting each other at work.

i'm amazed at the amount of food i can eat if i plan correctly. and also since i've been measuring out my food that many of the plates of food that i've prepared in the past are basically the same. i've been able to find many foods that i love and i still stay under my calorie goal for the day. amazing!

as i'm tracking my fitness goals i'm very excited about how many points i've accumulated. it's a helpful visual for me. yesterday and today i've been dancin my butt off (literally, ha!) using my Dance Praise game. looooove that game! not sure why i let it sit around as much as i do. i guess after i use it i need some recovery time and then i find something else to do. *shrugs*

so the moment of truth is may 7th. we'll see what the weight loss #s come to by then. so exciting! i'm tired of being fat and i'm not getting any younger. i don't want to turn into the obese family members that i've seen on my mom's side of the family. i'll have to go with no.

and i want to thank aperfectpisces for the thoughtful card she sent me. you rock!

i love getting mail that isn't bills. especially since money loves to leave me rather than come to me for the most part. but i expect that to change just coz i said so ;)