Where did my creative energy go? I haven't written a song since January 2010. I feel lazy.

Had a session with the therapist today; he challenged me to write a letter as my 18/19/20 year old self in the midst of the abusive relationship I was in and then to respond as my 23 year old self. I said I would do it because I know it will help me open up, but I fear that it's going to open up all that pain I had for nearly three whole years. I don't want to do it, somehow I have to make myself.

In other news, new job going well; lots of training, getting used to being in a new suite, etc.
I think I ate too much for supper, my tummy is bloated. Perhaps time for a bike ride...

I have session number 2 tomorrow morning with Len (therapist). I don't know what it is about talking to people, but I get very nervous about the prospect. I wonder if I just like to hide too much? Anyways, after that I have a meeting with my new supervisor at work. OH YEAH... I got a promotion! It was really more a matter of reorganizing the office, but I got a raise, a job reclassification (which means more vacation and sick time accrual), don't have to answer phones or be at a reception desk, and got a brand new shiny computer. It's a pretty sweet deal. The only downside: I didn't get a chance to talk to my old supervisor before they moved me (she was on vacation). So, there are a lot of unfinished projects, but not much I can do about it now.

Anyways...

Dad has his first gig with a new band this Saturday and it's also our friend Jon's birthday, so funtimes all around.
My summer course is going well, holding strong at an A, need to get myself to retain the readings more, though.
Luis, Megan, Jon, and myself are all going to Las Vegas for my birthday weekend, so that should be spectacular. Luis and I are also going to a friend of his mother's wedding that same weekend, so double fun. PLUS, Meg and Jon are planning something really awesome... but it's a secret... shhhh!
And now I'm watching RuPaul's Drag U. Yee-ah.

So, I met with a counselor/therapist for the first time in my life today. (I met with one, once, as a child, probably 11 or 12 but I don't remember it too well.) It was... interesting, to say the least. I cried. I didn't think I would, but apparently I feel safe talking to a complete stranger. Something about the notion of a therapist is not supposed to judge me or tell me I'm being irrational really let me open up and let my guard down.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

In other news,
I have potential great job-related news. More tomorrow...

I am attempting to be more fiscally responsible. Last year I managed to pay off one of my two credit cards. I had the other down to a balance less than $1000 and had told myself I could and would have it paid off by the beginning of this year... it has since risen substantially and has caused me much anxiety since I've become to reliant on it and can't seem to pay it off. So what do I do? I closed the damn thing. If it's not open and I can't use it, I won't have this problem. Solution!

What this means, however, is that my nice little lump of money I've been saving for a down payment on a house is now going to pay off this balance. So, putting the house goal further away. This makes me sad for a number of reasons:
1) I'd love to own my own home, as many people would love
2) I am exhausted living with my parents; I have no real space of my own
3) I dream of the day I can walk around nude in my own home. I know, kind of a weird item to have on my list, but it is so freeing.
4) I really want to move in with Luis, but both of us are dependent (for now) on our parents' abilities to pay for basic things like utilities, groceries, cable and internet.

Number 4 will hopefully start to lessen, since Luis is two weeks away from being done with his undergrad, officially, and can start to look for a job. I think once he starts working, I won't feel as financially drained, since most of the "fun" stuff was backed by my paycheck. (His student job didn't pay very much.)

I think I have a love/hate relationship with debt. I hate it for the obvious reasons: I'm in debt and it takes chunks of my paychecks away. But, there is a part of me that likes it because I get to exercise my budgeting and mathematical skills. I know, weird, but I actually enjoy calculating how many months it would take for me to pay off a specific balance with interest and still try to save simultaneously.

Perhaps it's not so much of a love as an obsession. I think about payments and interest rates and due dates constantly, and often find myself trying to invest in yet another thing so that I can keep it up. Sad? I'm beginning to think so...

So, I was accepted into a Master of Arts program at ASU West. YAY!!! I am beyond excited to start the program, which conveniently starts on the day I'm coming back from vacation with my family, so that should be a busy day. The first class I'm taking is an online elective course, so I can really get used to the amount of reading/writing professors will be expecting from grad students. In the fall I will be taking two grad courses and one undergrad course (to fulfil a certificate I'm adding onto my undergraduate record) while still working full-time. I'm a bit nervous, but I know I can do it, as I worked full-time during my undergrad and took at the very least 4 courses (the most I took in a semester being 7). I cannot express how much this has lifted my spirits, and though I still feel like my job is a little lacking with challenging me or making me feel welcome, I don't feel nearly as depressed/anxious as the last time I posted. So, situational depression? Who knows.

-----Gushy moment time-----

I absolutely adore my boyfriend and love him so deeply. We will be celebrating a year and a half together as a couple on June 21. I am truly, madly, deeply in love. *sigh* :)

So, Luis reckons I'm depressed. He came to this conclusion from my lack of enthusiasm with things in general and my vapid mood swings. Horridly, I'm starting to agree with him. I looked up the symptoms on WebMD and it does sound a lot like my day to day. I don't feel blue as much as worthless, constantly exhausted for no reason, and pretty much hating or not enjoying things I once liked or loved. So yeah, maybe I should do something about that soonish.

I am quite proud of myself lately.

I recently paid off my entire balance on one of my two credit cards and closed the account. Though I do have a semi-hefty balance on the other, I am quite sure that I will be able to pay it off within this next year, hopefully within the next six months.

I have taken the step to apply for graduate school. While I'm still waiting for two recommenders to write letters for me, I am fairly confident that my application is solid. I received great advice from a woman I work with who has been with the University for 50+ years.

I successfully finished my picture-a-day-for-a-year project that I had been doing on facebook. I made a video showing all of the images in chronological order. It was fun but I am so grateful I don't have to do it for another year. (Although it does feel odd not taking a picture of myself everyday - I sort of got used to it.)

I'm sure I could think of something else, but I'll leave it at these three molehills for now.

(on a side note, I had to edit this entry because I noticed I spelled grateful "greatful". FAIL.)

Commuting sucks ballz. I leave my house at 6:35am to get to work by 8:00am. I leave work at 5:00pm to get home at 6:45pm. I then eat a bit, watch an hour of TV, check facebook, and pass out. Commuting sucks ballz.

I am finally making it a stern goal to pay off my credit card debt. I have just a few more payments (one more this month, two in december) and I'll have ONE card paid off. I had a goal to have the second card paid off by the second week of January, but then my parents decided they need to ask me for rent money. This is going to sound super selfish, but the whole reason I moved back in with them was so I wouldn't have to pay rent. If I'm going to pay rent, I want more space. So, since the addition of rent into the budget, the second card will probably not be completely paid off until February. That's still better than six months from now, I suppose.

My band is playing two gigs this weekend in New York City. I am completely stoked to be going there for the first time in my life, and to get to play there. Luis is coming with me, and hopefully we will be able to navigate our way from the airport to the venue. I'm hoping my sense of direction stays in tact after flying for 5 hours.

I re-read some of my past updates about times when I was feeling annoyed or angry with Luis. I must say, they sound pretty lame. I think we are starting to complement each other even more. We are both more aware of each other's needs and moods. He has moments when he wants to pick arguments when he's drunk, but I've grown more tolerant of and understanding the mindset of his drunk and figuring out exactly what he's worried about. He puts up with me when I'm grumpy, and always reassures me when I'm feeling worrisome about my future. In two weeks we will celebrate 11 months together. I must say, I am more than ecstatic about how solid our relationship has become and how happy we seem to be making one another. I really do love him a lot, and not to compare, but I love him more than I loved my ex-fiance. That's powerful.

On a more serious note, my daddy is having surgery this Wednesday. As much as I worry, I'm actually not being consumed by this... maybe my brain is trying to keep me safe from fear by just blocking it entirely. He doesn't seem too worried about it, and neither does my mom, so that could also be an attributing factor to my calmness. Either way, I'm sending positive vibes to his doctors for a safe surgery and hoping his recovery is quick and relatively painless.

I quit working at the domestic violence shelter about two weeks ago. Once I got my full-time job at ASU, it was beginning to wear me out, both physically and emotionally. I was going straight from ASU to the shelter and not getting home until 11:30 at night, only to wake up at 5:30 and do it all over again. It was tremendously exhausting. I enjoy my job at ASU, but I'm starting to realize just how much office politics forces itself upon the workers. I'm hoping that I can stay as neutral as possible and be able to work instead of worry about what my coworkers think of me or if they're talking about me, etc.

Ok, well, that should be a substantial enough update to keep whoever reads this satisfied.

I have a part-time job working in a domestic violence shelter. I'm using my degree, even if it is part-time and not very high pay. I'm still looking for full-time employment or a 30 hr/wk job to compliment my part-time status. I need monies!

I am growing increasingly more annoyed at not having a vehicle. I've not had my own truck since high school and I am starting to feel less independent (mostly because my area doesn't have good bus service compared to Tempe. My dependence on rides is starting to manifest not happy emotions in my family and boyfriend on whom I mooch rides.

I have bangs now... recent within the last three weeks or so. They look cute but the only flat iron I own has 2-inch plates. Today I solved this by purchasing a mini flat iron (less than 1/2 inch plates) so that I may iron my bangs properly. Hopefully this will cut down on the poofiness they sometimes have.

I am now chilly and tired and my cat chased a very large bug into my room, so I am going to find the bug, kill it, and go to bed.