The Humor Files

[note: scroll slowly and don't look at the answer until you're done reading the question]


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"



Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"


Harry: "36."


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.


The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."


The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"


Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"


Harry: "Pants."


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"


Harry: "Coconut."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"


The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"


Harry: "Shake hands."


The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"


Harry: "Firetruck."


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Cheese
Cheese is a beermat that's twenty feet tall and can easily be recycled.

Kraft macaroni
Kraft macaroni is a pair of shoes that plays Sokoban! It takes high-quality digital photos and craves attention.

cream of wheat
cream of wheat is a contraceptive device that plays the American national anthem! It hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

trojan
trojan is a TV remote control that can communicate with your golf club! It keeps drinks cold and communicates via Instant Messenger.

steinway
steinway is a DVD player that's water-absorbent and changes colour.

Sony
Sony is a tricycle that self-replicates! It helps the medicine go down.

Mason and Hamlin
Mason and Hamlin is like a normal contact lens, but it defies gravity.

Johnson and Johnson
Johnson and Johnson is a sheet of paper that's great for hammering in nails! It is solar-powered.

McDonald's
McDonald's is a milk carton that feeds your pets and counts your loose change.

Coca-Cola
Coca-Cola is a parachute that remembers all of its past actions and doesn't need oiling.
[ed. note: I'll show YOU a parachute that doesn't need oiling!]

McMaster Carr
McMaster Carr is a postage stamp that's heavier than it looks, hums incessantly and is oak-panelled.

Scotch
Scotch is a lunchbox that sorts your mail! It talks.

Jack Daniels
Jack Daniels is a DVD player! It works at twice the normal speed!

Budweiser
Budweiser is like a normal burglar alarm, but it cuts through stone as if it were butter.

Amstel Light
Amstel Light is a headband that can be used by several people at once! It can speak French and can only be operated by a trained professional.

Anal R. Gapings
Anal R. Gapings is a button-badge that looks like a pot-plant! It gets +2 to kill undead.

Miller
Miller is a contraceptive device that has no moving parts!

Ford
Ford is a webcam that's covered with realistic fur! It is perfectly safe to use.

Chrysler
Chrysler is a newly-discovered breed of fish that has a leopardskin print! It can play chess and self-replicates.

Toyota
Toyota is a DVD player that sounds better than it looks, remembers all of its past actions and has velcro pads on the side.

Honda
Honda is a car that sorts your mail, communicates with other copies of itself and won't make a hole in your wallet.
[Ed.: Really?]

Ragtime
Ragtime is an aquarium that's not suitable for children, disables itself if it's taken more than 100 feet away from its base and receives data from any nearby robotic dog.

Universal
Universal is like a normal trouser press, but it emits a constant high-frequency whine.

Seeburg
Seeburg is a marker pen that displays a slideshow of pictures, plays a mean game of Go and costs less than £20.

Wurlitzer
Wurlitzer is like a normal pen, but it freezes anything it touches.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: Sept 16, 2005

" I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!"