Have you ever wanted someone you couldn't have, and you shouldn't have? 'Have' is such a bad word in these situations - it's not as if he belongs to you, or you to him. I'm sitting here with that familiar lilt in my heart, the one you feel when you're falling for someone. Butterflies not only in your stomach, but in your heart. Except this time, you know it won't happen, and it shouldn't happen. But you can't help that feeling, and you try to push it away.
I met up with my ex-boyfriend (who also happened to be my first relationship) yesterday, after not seeing him for about seven months. We'd stop decently contacting each other for over half a year, a bad fall out. Busy lives meant I had no time to deal with issues that may have arose from heartache/heartbreak, and I'd gone back home to a different country. But then a few days ago I had free time - and wanted 'closure', get it all cleared up from my life. Just a lot of unsettled issues, a lot of unnecessary anger and hostility. Almost hatred and open cruelty on his part. We'd each gone our own ways with spiteful words. We had a very bad breakup. Stormed out of each other's lives explosively. Almost literally. An explosive reaction, and we never cleared it up until yesterday. The first conversation we had after the while had me in tears, he was cold and callous, which had me offensive and defensive all at once. He called back the next day, we agreed to meet yesterday.
Met him, and we had a good time. Initially he was on a downer, in a foul and walled-up mood. But the evening progressed, and by the time it was night, he was smiling and laughing constantly. The most cheerful and playful I've ever seen him, actually. Went to a restaurant, shared a meal, breaking ice effectively. Walked around the city, stopped in different places, eventually tucked away on a quiet street with echoes of the birds, hiding from the rush of the city. Sorted things out between ourselves, kind of. Walked around a bit more, a new corner, talked while admiring the night.
On the way as he walked me back to the train station, I told him I'd come to say goodbye. He said he figured that out already. But by that time, I didn't feel like saying goodbye anymore. We lingered in front of the train station, I had my train to catch; he had his at another station, departing earlier than mine by a few minutes. He knows he's about to miss his train if he doesn't go now, I know that if I go to drop him off I'll miss my train. And both of them are the last trains home. Just stood there with a heaviness between us, neither of us looking like we wanted to leave. I didn't know what to do except look at him and smiled, "Bye", with a little wave.
He drew me in for a hug. All the while we'd met, we hadn't touch each other, not even slightly. Both taken extra care to avoid it. "Bye," he murmured.
"Bye..." I repeated, tried to sound firm. But ended up coming out listlessly lingering, the shadow of a sad smile now playing on my lips.
"I hope it's not bye forever..."
"I...bye...I came to say bye." Put my hand on his chest, over his heart instinctively, but made myself draw it away. He just held me close for a while, and the closeness of his body made me ache. All too familiar. The way his chest moved beneath my hand with each breath, the way he smelled, the heat of his body through his shirt, the warmness of his breath on my forehead. I pulled away, as we both knew I should.
He took my free hand (I was holding my purse in the other one) in his, running his fingers over mine slowly, entwined fingers. His other hand rested resiliently on my waist, traces of the hug. We were both too close to each other. Raised my head and looked into his face, the eye contact made me feel weak. Looked away. He drew me against him again when I did, kissed my hair.
I whispered with more than a trace of sad honesty in my voice, "I did love you..."
"As did I." He pressed me in closer yet, and I tried to keep our bodies apart. "And I...Maybe..."
"Huh? Maybe what?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Maybe. You know what maybe." I didn't know, but I looked up at him, and his eyes said it all. Either that was his eyes, or it was my heart silently speaking. Maybe I still do love you. And I thought I'd been over him months and months ago, and likewise.
"..."
Standing on tiptoes, and coming up only to his chin, I looked at him and his eyes lingered, just like everything else. Thinking, I would kiss him goodbye, but I shouldn't. This is so wrong. He's in a new relationship and he's going to get married. One of his hand still holding mine, the other firm on my back. I'm not supposed to be in his arms, we're not supposed to be looking at each other like this, I'm not suppose to ache this much from the nearness of him.
I kiss my fingertips and place it on his lips. He nods and kisses them, "This, I understand..."
"Bye..."
"I will see you again."
"I don't know."
"Don't make this a permanent goodbye. I want to see you again."
"I don't know. I just...bye. Maybe. I don't know. Bye..."
"Bye..."
"Bye..."
"Bye..."
"Bye."
"Bye..."
"Bye."
"Bye..."
"Bye..."
"Bye..." His lips said bye, but his eyes said so much more. Too much more. Mine probably reflected the same.
I feel so weak now. All this is wrong. It was supposed to be goodbye, for good. It wasn't supposed to be us lingering so, as though we didn't want to part, as though our bodies were drawn together by a magnet, as though our eyes wanted to stay locked forever. It wasn't supposed to be that poignant, that reluctant. He's going to get married. I'm not one to get in between relationships, and I think that what he has in his new relationship is something that's rare and I would not dare graze it. I know I won't. Just writing this now because my heart's being disobedient.
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depressed
confused
groggy
thoughtful