File Under Grain

While it seems that a large section of the internet has found Obama's "we're all New Yorkers today" line awww-worthy and endearing, I found it rather offensive. The strange thing about this tragedy is that it seems that everyone wants to "be a part of it" sharing their stories of how they were sitting comfortably on their couch or at their school desk thousands of miles away watching a television screen, and how devestated they were. Everyone wants to "be a part of it"... except for those people who actually had to live through the experience. Because no one who actually lost loved ones, or breathed in the ashes, or smelled the fumes of jet fuel actually wants to have had those experiences. People line up to claim a right to the hurt and anguish of the day, even though they never had to live any of the actual horror. It's sort of like a group of people talking about the hurt and pain of racism, and some white girl saying that she "totally understands" because she has to deal with sexism... No, it's not the same thing. And to try to claim a piece of the tragedy, as though you're entitled to it as an American is wrong. I wasn't here at the time. It wasn't my tragedy, but iit is my home now, and my friends and neighbors and co-workers were here. And it really upsets me how everyone wants to "be a part of it". It was an awful fucking event, and if you lived in the midwest your whole life and have no connections to anyone involved--NO.

When someone says "remember" it doesn't mean that you should navel-gaze and make it all about you, you, you.

For me, remembering September 11th means honoring and remembering those people who died for their country, even though they may never have enlisted. The people who died in the World Trade Center Towers and the airplanes never signed up to die for their country--but they did. They died because decades of messed up foreign policy at the hands of government and military leaders had left a group of people overseas full of fear and hatred for our country. They died because they were "American," whether they actually supported the decisions of those in power or not.

For me, September 11th is about the loss of innocents; it's about the first responders who rushed in to save lives; it's about my friends and neighbors who still suffer anxiety, respiratory illnesses, and other diseases from the fall-out; it's about the people of Chinatown who were largely ignored, even though they were the largest residential neighborhood adjacent to the attack site, even though their local economy was essentially shut down for months, because they're mainly immigrants and poorer people and many didn't speak English; it's about people on airplanes who must have known they were going to die but refused to let others become targets as well...

And it's about remembering that fear and hatred are what caused this tragedy in the first place. Lest we forget and become so consumed of fear and hatred that we become no better than the enemy our leaders claim to be fighting.

The thing that I both love and hate about life is that it's a constant learning experience. In that I love to learn new things and there's a limitless amount of things to learn, the experience of life is pretty amazing. In that I feel like I'm always having to re-learn important lessons or puzzle out the basics of existance, the experience of life can be quite frustrating. At the moment, I'm back to working on priorities. It seems that I return to this point quite a bit, mostly because I'm so prone to straying from the paths I lay out for myself. A bit of exploration isn't necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes I lose perspective.

On Sunday I had a conversation with an old friend, Angela, about the ways that our society is currently changing. Some of the conversation was about shifting lifestyles as a result of the economic disaster. In particular we were talking about how this impacts our own career goals, aspirations, and life plans. We also talked about the culture of overstimulation that we're living in. In particular we were talking about Twitter and why we're not drawn to it. We did mention instances where it was a useful tool and had certain merits, and that actually it's not the tool that's the problem. My problem has more to do with a large cross-section of the user base. Although it does relate also to users of social networking sites in general (including blogging sites), which is that they generate very much of the overstimulation that we talk about. Fifteen years ago most people would not have thought that the majority of their friends and acquaintances would be interested in knowing that they just ate a sandwich--and they would have been right. Now we broadcast that information, even though nothing has changed about the receiver. This isn't to say that we shouldn't share when we discover a particularly good sandwich shop, or when we're proud that we've invented a super tasty creation... it's just that I think humanity as a whole is losing its filter. Perhaps it's a craving for attention that causes us to throw every mundane detail of our lives out there for the world to see, born of a feeling of disconnectedness that seems to grow as social media becomes more ingrained in our culture--not realizing that this very behavior often results in further feelings of alienation.

And that's one big tangent from what I was planning to discuss this morning--which is re-assessing my priorities and what I'm doing with my life. Unfortunately I've run out of time at the moment.

Yesterday I picked up my second week CSA share. Sadly, I didn't actually take pretty photos of all of the yummy, delicious, fresh, seasonal produce. However, it was a good selection:

Blueberries, snow peas, green lettuce, red lettuce, Swiss chard, purple kale, Japanese turnips, scallions, cucumbers, brocoli, and a dill plant.

Also, I've been reading a lot about food and health recently as part of my efforts to return to a healthier diet. There's a lot of information out there from many people claiming to be experts, dictating what one ought to eat for optimum health. Most of the information is contradictory, and means that it can be difficult to navigate one's way. However, my own personal approach is to remain open-minded to a variety of potential models, and ultimately choose the one that makes sense to you. For me, that means a vegetarian diet with limited egg and dairy consumption. At the moment, I'm also working on moving towards more of a "whole foods" and "slow foods" approach.

Turns out, an increased consumption of fresh fruits and vegetables and a much decreased consumption of added sugars and salt seems to agree with me quite well. I'm feeling pretty great, my digestive issues seem to be going away, and I'm spending less money on lunch than I was before.

Today after work I went to pick up my first CSA share. Joining a CSA is something that I'd wanted to do for a few years, but kept forgetting to do. Community Supported Agriculture is a pretty cool concept, especially for people who live in cities and have limited access to farm fresh foods. When I arrived at the community garden for pickup, I really wasn't sure what to expect, since I'd never done this before. The first thing that I did was check in with the "gatekeeper" who marked my name off on the list and gave me a couple of produce bags and newsletters. Then, I went to the person with the list for fruit shares and gave my name so I could get my fruit.

I came home with Japanese turnips, radishes, snow peas, garlic scapes, broccoli, scallions, dandelion greens, lacinata kale, lettuce (romaine?), strawberries, and a basil plant. The basil plant surprised me, because it's actually rooted so that I can put it into a pot and grow it. Except, I need to find a place where I can do that... boo lack of windows in my apartment. It's not a massive haul for my first share, but it's a good amount of food, and I suspect there will be more later in the season, as it gets closer to harvest time.

My first order of business was to do something with the strawberries, because they were very very ripe. So, after some poking around recipes, I decided on two things: strawberry oatmeal bread and strawberry freezer jam. Both look to have turned out nicely, but I haven't sampled either. The bread has an intense strawberry aroma and has lots of delicious looking pink bits throughout. The freezer jam may very well just end up being more of a sauce, but it's vibrant and smells great.

( Some Photos )

I made the cookies last night when I came home from an overtime shift at work. I'm pretty impressed with myself on that one, because the last time we were going through crunch time at work and doing overtime, I had no energy for anything. But recently I've been more motivated and productive in general... maybe it's like the time Rick told me "the more you do, the more you want to do, and the more you can do." It might be true--at least in the realm of creativity and hobbies.

On my way back from the store, to which I walked this morning to purchase more coffee, I found myself thinking about myself. And while thinking these self-reflective thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I'm pretty fantastic. Often it's easy for me to be overly critical of myself and to concentrate on all of the things that I'd like to be better--but I don't spend all that much time thinking about the ways that I'm already great.

So, this is a bit of a self-affirmation, a chance for me to share positive things about myself.

*I'm a compassionate person, toward those I know and those I don't.
*I love my friends and strive to be a good friend to them.
*I'm a forgiving person. I have let go of many past hurts to accept people back into my life.
*I'm a thoughtful person.
*I'm innately curious and spend a lot of time trying to learn more about the world around me and within me.
*I earned a degree from a highly competitive top-tier university despite my struggles with mental illness and a learning disability.
*I make awesome pie crust. I don't think that I've ever had a pie crust turn out badly.
*I knit well, and can even make some things without patterns... and I'm completely self-taught.
*I usually generate positive reactions from people in my daily interactions, which I think is a reflection of the energy I try to put into the world.
*I can interact with a great diversity of people with relative ease.
*I am interested in people, in their stories and experiences and backgrounds.
*I help out others when they have too much work, and strive to never pass off my work responsibilities on others.
*I have strong verbal and math skills.
*I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh.
*I'm fairly handy and can use a variety of tools in the workshop.
*I'm good at craft projects and can make lots of nifty things.
*I'm able to navigate in both urban and rural landscapes.
*I'm generous. I like to share with my friends and get them treats; I tip well; I donate to charitable organizations.
*I'm pretty open-minded and constantly push myself to be accepting of various lifestyles, philosophies, and perspectives.

There's probably a lot more that I could add to that, but I think that's a good start. Perhaps the next time I start to be too hard on myself, I'll come back to this. Fortunately, I've not experienced too much of that self-criticism recently--I've been in a fairly good space actually--but one never knows when old demons may rear their ugly heads.

Seems I've been wanting to write posts, but then not managing to get around to it.

Last Wednesday I baked a pie! It was mocha pecan pie, and I made it totally from scratch--the crust turned out great and the whole thing was incredibly tasty. It reminded me how much I enjoy baking. Now to do so more often, because making food for oneself is awesome.

Project kitchen scraps collection is coming along nicely. My bucket is filling up, and things are already heating up in there. The thing is, I just want to get my own compost set-up rather than bringing it to the community garden. It's really satisfying to watch it all start to break down into beautiful compost!

Over three weeks have passed now since I've been shampoo free. Hair is still looking awesome, scalp is still not showing much improvement. Also of note, I do not leave anywhere near as much hair in the shower drain as I used to. Perhaps when I was worried I was losing too much hair in the shower, I wasn't being totally paranoid!

Also, I've been working on Couch to 5K training. Tonight I completed Week 3. This afternoon at work, I started to feel a migraine coming on. When I got home, I figured I'd probably just rest and take it easy--but I really wanted to stay on track with my training--so I pulled myself together, tossed on my running gear, and went out. At the moment, the migraine is growing in intensity, but so is my self-esteem.

On Friday, I participated in a community service day for my office. It meant that I left work early to go to Riverside Park, where I helped to remove invasive exotic species! Mostly this meant I was pulling out garlic mustard plants so that the native species have a fighting chance--all while avoiding the massive amounts of poison ivy that grows in the park. It was incredibly satisfying work, and now I'm considering trying to volunteer with the parks more often.

Finally, I've been referencing my Audubon field guides more often, recently. When I'm curious about a particular bird or flower I see, I can just look it up for myself. Probably I should invest in the tree guide, too (I have the mammals guide, but don't use it all that often in NYC). Even though I'm living in the city, there's still plenty of natural environment for me to learn about.

That's mostly what has been occupying my time and thoughts--connecting with the world around me, trying to make the world a better place, and trying to care for myself while I'm at it. Living a conscientious life is an ongoing challenge--but one that I am eager to confront.

There's something that I've realized about myself recently. I'm not good at "on my own." What I mean by this is that, in general, I'm not very good at doing things by myself. There are a ton of activities I would like to try, places I would like to see, events I would like to check out--but if I don't find someone to join me, then I very often just don't do them. I'm not sure what it is. I know that some people are excellent at doing things by themselves. I am a bit envious of those types of people. I admire folks who go to movies or concerts on their own... Doing things on my own is something that I'm trying to work on.

One part of the problem is that I'm a bit shy. I have difficulty approaching people I don't know. Once I've met people, been introduced, I'm pretty friendly. But, I struggle with that initial approach. A lot of the time, I think that I probably come across as stand-offish or snobby, when really I'm just incredibly uncomfortable and trying to be invisible. It's a strange condition to have, because I love people. I love human interactions. I crave companionship. Unfortunately, I'm not very outgoing at all, which can make things a little difficult. Even once I'm comfortable with someone, I have trouble inviting them to join me for activities and outings.

I've been working more on trying to feel good about myself and about my life. It seems that if I can master these, then I'll feel more comfortable with asking others for company, with approaching new people. This isn't to say that I'm chronically unhappy or feeling bad about myself--because that's not the case. My last major depressive episode was some time ago, and with it those feelings of worthlessness. But I've still got insecurities, and I've still got personal work that I would like to do. Also, it's important to note that I've been making progress. I'm better at social approaches than I used to be. I'm developing my self of self-worth based on my own values, rather than external factors.

If there is one thing about my identity that has remained fairly consistent throughout my life, it's my love of books. From what I've been told, I was already reading at the age of 2. In my early years, I was voracious. As a child I would participate in the MS Read-a-thon, and no one in my hometown would sponsor me "per book" because they were all scared of how many books I could end up reading.

When I would go to the library, I would fantasize about reading every book there. Even though I couldn't borrow the enormous leather-bound dictionary, I would sometimes stand on the step-stool and read through entries for fun. There was part of me that fancied one day I'd make it through every entry. The same was the case with the Encyclopedia set that we had at home--even today, I think that there are still bookmarks left in certain volumes, marking out how far I'd progressed through the articles.

For most of childhood and early adolescence, I read a lot of mass-market sort of works. I read those series that go on forever, like The Babysitters Club or Nancy Drew or The Sweet Valley Twins books. I also read a lot of Lois Duncan's work. I was enthralled with kiddy horror and the supernatural ala R.L. Stine (before Goosebumps existed) and Christopher Pike, et al. A little later, I also devoured the works of V.C. Andrews. But, by the time I hit high school, my reading slowed down a lot. I still collected piles of books, but often struggled with getting through them (eventually I was diagnosed with A.D.D.).

Eventually, though, I returned to reading--making my way through the pile of books that I'd accumulated over the years (although usually adding to it at a faster rate). My books are bought and gifted and salvaged and found... they've been rescued from dumps and picked up from sidewalks and claimed when friends give them away. When I finally finished my undergraduate degree, nine years after first entering college, it was in English Literature.

These days, I no longer imagine myself reading the dictionary or making my way through the encyclopedia. I don't even want to read the entire contents of the library. The thing is that these days, I'm interested in quality. There are so many wonderful, beautiful, amazing, and interesting books out there to read. My mental "to read" list is pages long. Sometimes this results in me being a bit elitist about books. The thing is, I don't expect that everyone does or should have the same motivations and interests as me when it comes to reading... but when I want to talk about books, I want to do so with people who share a similar approach and philosophy (even if the specifics of aesthetic taste and preference differ). Some people read for escapism or entertainment and that's ok. It's just not my thing.

My favorite books make me think and ponder. They make consider questions of structure and narrative discourse, intertextuality and metafiction. They make me examine myself and my relationship to the world around me. They awaken my mind and force me to grapple with ideas that I don't always understand. They show me the beauty of language and ideas and form.

Because reading and books are such big parts of my life, I decided to create bibliophiles. Not quite sure yet how it's going to work in practice, although my biggest desire was to have a place for people who like to read beyond the classics, best sellers, and the front tables at Barnes & Noble. I want to talk books with people who get excited about elements of literature other than story. And with people who can think critically about works, even those that they enjoy.

I've decided to give up shampoo--or at least to attempt to do so. It's something that I've actually wanted to do multiple times in the past, but never succeeded at. I chalk this up mostly to lack of adequate information and resulting frustration. Giving up shampoo would definitely help to reduce my waste and consumption--all of those plastic bottles eliminated from my life sounds like a positive thing. Also, the possibility of my scalp improving is very appealing. The last time I used shampoo and conditioner was Monday. This evening I used baking soda and apple cider vinegar, because my scalp was itchy. At this point I am planning to stick with the baking soda and AVC as an option when I feel the need to "shampoo" and to hopefully scale back the frequency. I also read about wet brushing with a washcloth, which I'll also try.

I really dislike that the beauty industry has been so successful in convincing people that they are "dirty" unless they use a bazillion different (often toxic) chemicals to scrub, strip, replenish, deoderize, and otherwise "clean" and "beautify" their bodies. Mind, I'm not advocating a total abandon of personal hygeine--just questioning the notion that we we need to employ a battalion of products to achieve beauty or cleanliness. Also, I'm tired of people confusing personal asthetics with hygeine (as in, body hair isn't dirty, just because you have an aversion to the natural state of things).

At the moment, I'm having trouble even putting my thoughts into words on this one. I'm offended on so many levels. However, I do think that the LA Times Jacket Copy Blog got it right with:

But as troubling as the unevenness of the policy of un-ranking and de-searching certain titles might be, it's a bit beside the point. It's the action itself that is troubling: making books harder to find, or keeping them off bestseller lists on the basis of their content can't be a good idea.

That is to say, that lest someone try to peg this as a "queer problem," this is a policy that has deeply troubling implications in terms of "what next?"

If you want to see a fairly comprehensive link list, check out this post by such_heights. She's been doing wonderfully with chronicalling the reactions as they unfold.

Finally, I'd like to link to Amazon Rank.

ETA: It's not being mentioned much, but it appears that books dealing with disability and sexuality have also been targeted. Lisy Babe's post touches on this.