| oh my heart :( |
[27 Feb 2009|04:33pm] |
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The situation is very complicated. This guy chased me for months, called me, stalked me until I finally talked to him. I did some shady things to him too. I went out with his friend, and I did cheat him but that was in the beginning before I really got to know him. He is the only guy that I actually slept with.I slept him for different reasons, he is the only guy that stayed around long enough to get to know me,second I had feelings for him unlike the other guys I attracted, third I got close to his family; I mean his mother still calls me. Her still calling me is another reason why I amconfused. I mean in the beginning he really treated me right. I messed a little here and there, but that was before and things were good. So I come the second semester of school and he likes wants to stop talking due to the fact that I might move back to FL after graduation, and he says that it might be less painful. Then his mother calls me and says that it is because he is depressed and he does not mean to treat me this way. He lost his great-grandmother and uncle, and he goes to sleep crying at night. I accepted that! I gave him time to heal! I think he is fine now, but I have not seen in like a month and he didn't call me to say Happy Birthday. Every time I call him he says he will call me back and never does. He said that acts this way because I was with someone else on Valentine's day. On Valentine's Day I was crying over him the whole entire day, and he called me at 9pm to say Happy Valentine's day.The whole day I was waiting for him to call me. ugh. I was with Marvin he was my rock that day, he helped not be sad, he made me laugh,( and yes Marvin does like me, he has like me for three years now.) So my thing is ...he is my first and I know these things happen in life we go through heartaches, and I keep blaming myself for the way he is acting towards me now. I have protected my heart for 8years now, not dating anybody and not talking to anybody. He confuses me because he'll call me randomly saying he has no hard feeling towards me. All I want is to be loved. I have some his stuff at my apartment I'm thinking should I burn them, mail it to him, donate them. I need some advice I am so new at this. I'm 22 and I just started dating.
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[28 Jul 2008|10:22pm] |
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I Love him....
Brendon is my everything...
I love Brendon more than air..
Time without Brendon is like life without oxygen...
Air is pointless, life is pointless...No amount of Ativan, no amount of bullets and no amount of nuses can take away the pain of Brendon being gone.
His voice, his eyes...everything is perfect.
Brendon's lips are softer than any velvet...yet better than any wine.
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[23 Jun 2008|08:48pm] |
I grew up in a great family. Typical suburban, middle class, American family. We had our troubles and our fights sure, but overall I had a great childhood. My mom was a stay at home mom and I wasn't spoiled but always had what I needed.
"Let's get one thing straight, she was a great mother and a great wife."
My family was always really close. We had dinner most nights as a family and we played a lot of games. Even as I got into high school I enjoyed the time I spent with my sisters and parents.
She was a great mom. My mom was my best friend. We told each other everything and often spent hours late at night talking. I called my mom when something good happened or when I needed advice. I went on a mission trip to Mexico with my mom and I often walked up to our church where she worked part time while I was in high school just to say hi. We went shopping together, took trips together, talked on the phone, baked together, laughed together.
"Who? What happened? Oh my God..."
And everyone loved her.
I think that's what made it so hard. Because she was wonderful. She was wonderful...
Until she stopped coming home, until she started lying about where she was... Until one night she told me. She loved him more than my father. A 22 year old janitor was what my mother would leave us for. A man four years older than I and two years younger than my older sister. A janitor from my very own church. In my church, in the place I called home, that was where it happened.
My dad said he just wanted to love her, grow old with her, take care of her, be a family. He wanted to forgive her, we all did. And then she was gone.
Gone.
She said she was unhappy, she said she needed to go find her happiness. She said she stopped seeing him and yet she continued. She chose this man.. boy.. over her own family, over her own children. She lied to my face time and time again. I tried to understand, I tried to love her, I tried to talk with her and she just threw it all back in my face.
My own mother wants nothing to do with me. My own mother. The one person I thought would always be a part of my life has missed my entire first year of college. She doesn't know what my major is. She doesn't know where I lived or what my roommates were like. She doesn't know what I did for fun or about the boy I had a major crush on. She doesn't know that my boyfriend and I broke up. All those things a mother and daughter are supposed to share, all those things we once shared... gone.
It's been a year since my mom left and I still cry for her most days. I still miss her and I still hurt just as bad as the day she left.
Somedays I wish she was dead because at least then she wouldn't be choosing him over me, at least then I wouldn't have to know she was off living another life without me by choice.
Everyone else seems to have gotten over it. People tell me that it's been a year and I need to move on. But how? HOW? People have stopped having sympathy for me, they are just annoyed with the permanent unhappiness that seems to reside in my soul.
I don't know how to move on. I just want things to go back to the way they were.
I can't hurt like this anymore, it's slowly killing me.
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| Am I allowed to apologize for existing? |
[01 Jun 2008|11:35am] |
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I’m new here, and just needed someplace I could open up. I spend my life alone. Even when I go out with friends, I’m never part of the in crowd. I’m never the hip guy or the cool person, or needed in anyone’s life. Everybody I know, every single person, has a group of other friends that means the world to them. I am never someone in these groups. I’m tolerated and that’s about it. Even when I’m being social and open and outgoing, I’m unable to ever matter to anybody I know. My family and I just do not speak, it keeps the peace that way. I am incapable of being actually loved, by anybody, and every day I wonder why I keep going on. I do nothing right, I mean nothing to those around me, and I constantly wonder if I am not just invisible or a figment of someone’s imagination. I find myself crying every few days, without control sometimes, and as always, I cry alone. I wish I could find out when I do wrong or what it is that I lack that everyone else has. I want to matter and to be loved, but I am not capable of either one of these things. Sorry for taking up your time.
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| I Can't Do This. |
[24 May 2008|03:12am] |
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mood |
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 Empty |
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I hope you understand why I did this. I hope one day you know how painful today was for me. Today was in fact, the worst day of my life, and I hope you never doubt that. I'm so sorry for all of this. None of it was your fault. NONE of it.
I want to stop crying. I want to wrap my arms around you, hold you, be there for you.....
You're going to have an amazing life without me. I promise. I hope the days get easier. For both of us. Someday you will understand why I had to make this decision. I know you will. I feel it in my heart.
And someday I will stop crying. Someday I will pick up and go on. Maybe not today, or tomorrow..... or anytime soon, but someday. And I hope I never regret this. I'm trying so hard not to, but how can a small part of me not?
Monday is going to be so hard. How can I do it? Can I be strong enough to do this? Everyone says I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm not.
I wish I'd looked at you before I walked away. I wish I'd looked at you instead of Krista. The last thing I remember seeing is her crying and telling me to call her if I needed her. I can look at her every day. Who knows when, if ever, I will see you again? I could have looked at you one more time. One more time. Why didn't I? Why didn't I stare at you until I couldn't see you anymore? That hallway seemed so long and empty....
I am so sorry. Please don't hate me. I am so so sorry. God, I am so fucking sorry.
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| Meh |
[13 Mar 2008|08:24pm] |
Name Ryan
Age 21
Location California...But from Michigan
Who is your abuser My mother
How long were you abused Until I was about 15
How has the abuse affected your life? It made me very negative sometimes and a bit jumpy
What have been the nagative affects? I have a fear of women. I hate it...I want to date and live a normal life by this point.
Hello. My name is Ryan and I come from an abusive family. My mother was very much both physically and emotionally abusive. I hated it and I just want to get it all out.
My mother was one who would do things like punch, kick, and slap me around. But the emotional abuse was much worse and the things she called me are just awful. She told me I would never amount to anything and that I was worthless. She said she never should of had me and things of that nature. Because of this I am very much introverted and have a fear of women I would really like to get over as I want to meet that someone special and just not let life pass me by. It is scaring the hell out of me. I want to know I am not alone. I want to find someone to talk too about all this. I have so much to say.
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| I miss |
[13 Mar 2008|08:08pm] |
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I miss the way things use to be. I miss the life that I once had. I miss the time that I have lost. Most of all I miss the person I once was.
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| My God..... |
[12 Nov 2006|12:20am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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Life really gets to me sometimes. I just want to scream, punch shit, and sleep the next 9 and a half months away. I must have done something horribly wrong to deserve everything that's going on right now.
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| KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!please? |
[21 Apr 2006|07:24am] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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Please for the love of god kill me!!!!!!I have a new boyfriend and I've been dating him for like 2 days.I'm only dating him cuz it was a favor for kayla.And hes just so damned annoying and I dont want to date him anymore.But Darren told me hes abusive to his girlfriends and I just want to die and have all of this be over with.I cant stand him anymore.He just trys to damn hard.I'm braking up with him today damn it if thats the last thing I do in my life.
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| blah |
[09 Feb 2006|07:51pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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I finaly got my toung pierced and I actuley am sort of happy for once.Not to happy my dad is basicley dieing right infront of me.I cant stand it I wont do ne where cuz I'm afraid that when I would come home he would be dead.So i stay home as much as possible.So I'm going to go home right now I feel bad He finaly gets the strength to come down staires and I'm not there to sit with him I feel like shit cuz of that.He and I are trying to spend more time together and I cant stand this anymore I got to go home.
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| Fuck off Darren! |
[24 Jan 2006|03:05am] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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Wanting to stab myself in the fuckin ear and sever my brain stem.....I hate my life and all that inhabit it!!!!!I feel sorry for my friends for putting up with me...and I feel sorry for my parints for having to rais me and even create me!I cant do anything right I'm sutch a screw up and I hate my life...No one wants to realoize that some times they just kill me inside!I know I'm destin for failuer but you dont need to point it out!So fuck off Darren and have a nice fuckin day!!!!!!
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| blah!!!god damn it!!!! |
[04 Jan 2006|05:45am] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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Well it seems like everyone is shuting me out!If you dont want to talk to me or be my friend then just tell me and I'll go the fuck away.dont be talkin behind my back and shit.I cant stand that!Right now everyone can sereousley fuckoff!!!!!!thats all for now!
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| hey all of you,read this please |
[26 Dec 2005|12:43pm] |
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mood |
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 and crying alone |
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well... I'm loseing my mind I found my self talking to my self.I dont wanna be crazy.my horible thought has come true I'm not over louie.and kayla's beein a bitch and sayin i told you so your never gunna be over louie.weah like that helps me.love the friends you fave and bewaer of the ones you dont.bye for now
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| do der do der do |
[18 Dec 2005|01:48pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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collin at kalas hous and i have peace and quit.(serienity)I'm not gettin bitched at by kala or her mom ...so peace full.I love it when they sleep.I'm over the loui boy and all that.I like my friend shane now.I think I'll not spring the "willyou go out with me"thing on him.as long as I have him in my life I'm happy.:)tee hee.but i have to go right now be for they wake up I'm gunna try to salvage what peace I'll have left.
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| ok happy people... |
[17 Dec 2005|07:35am] |
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mood |
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and lonley (i miss shane) |
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Well I'm at the infamous kala's house and as usual I'm her little nigger girl for to day.She knocked her cool-aid in to the bath water and blaimed me for it.(I was in there with her while she took a bath and I was talkin to her)But aneywas....I honistley am geting sick of her and all of her shit.I cant stand the way she treats people.She acts like her shit dont stink etc.!Um...I dont know what else to write so bye for now and I'll write back later if aney more ground breaking news happins.
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| Damn it!!Fuck!! |
[05 Dec 2005|09:09pm] |
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mood |
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and depressed |
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God damn it and bloody hell!I did it again I erased my entier work on LJ today.Mother fucker!!!Heres the short version...KaLa is threatining to take a way her moms Happyness all the time and i'm sick of it.I basicley get along with everyone and decide to proceed with the friendship or end it tragickley.I'm not saying I'm ending this tragickley I'm sayin that hor mom I so woried about it.I hate it when people have that kind of power.The power to help someone near and dear or to crush their hopes and dreams in an instant.I dont like it.And I was saying on a nother note that I am trying despratley to get over Loui and So far so good.I just want him to treat me like everyone else not iceolate me cuz i'm his e-x.I cant stand the fact that he sees me different than other girls.I JUST WANT TO BE TREATED EQUALEY AS NICE!!!So I got the down low and he said that the reason hes so touchey (for lack of a beter word) around me is he dosent want to lead me on and so on and so forth g2g
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[30 Aug 2005|01:27pm] |
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just thought i would let you know that i can't really comment on anybodys things currently because i am staying in baton rouge becasue my house is underwater from hurricane katrina. sorry, but when i can i will try to comment and update.
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| Meh....Meh... |
[20 Aug 2005|03:53pm] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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Just my usual bitching. I don't know for sure,but I think that the only reason my boyfriend even bothers with me is so he can get laid. It just seems like he never just wants to talk,it's ALWAYS about sex. I dunno,I just feel so used...
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| The bad |
[08 Aug 2005|12:03pm] |
A boy told me that not only does have a crush on me, he would wake up in the middle of the night thinking/dreaming about me next to his girlfriend. It got so bad that he'd see me instead of her when they were having sex. I told him to forget me and crushed any hope of his to get together with me because...
The girl is one of my best friends. Everytime I see her now, I get frustrated and want to cry because I love her so much.
Now I can't stop thinking about him because he pretends nothing happened.
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[07 Aug 2005|10:45pm] |
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Hey guys I'm new...My names halle..post and comment on my journal?
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