| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2008|12:16 pm]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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dear j-ho's (aka: jehovah witnesses),
i apperciate you stopping by my front door. i am in fact, sort of impressed. you still knocked even after seeing the "no on 8!", "obama 2008", "Support Eric McDavid" stuff on my window. I answered the door in pajamas, I mean c'mon j-ho's, it's 9am and it's my day off. So as I answer the door I look down to realize I am wearing my "I <3 Vaginas" shirt from the Vagina Monologues. I find this to be amusing, and make no attempt to hide it. Just as I open the door, you hand me pamphlet with horribly outdated photos of 80's dudes in bad clothes with thought bubbles like, "What happens when I die?" and "Why does God let little children starve?" I see you read my shirt and avoid contact with my eyes. This makes me laugh on the inside.
Thank j-ho's for the morning experience. Please visit again (past 10am)
Love,
Your neighborly heathen. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|10:04 am]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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dear lady in the library,
if you suck your snot one more time i am going to rip out your mucous membranes.
seriously.
xox,
i-have-a-box-of-kleenexs |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2007|05:58 pm]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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dear lady in kfc,
I already find kfc sort of revolting, but I am a sucker for the biscuits with honey. but when i walked in C. pointed out to me that you had just walked out of the bathroom with your hands down your pants. I am not sure what you were digging for, nor am I sure I want to know. I am also hoping that the brown stain down the front of your shirt was KFC gravy.
Either way, you have added to the highlights of my trips to KFC, my experience watching you beat out my last KFC trip where a child puked his entire meal in front of me.
I think I'll just stop going to KFC, because I don't want to know what will beat out the memory of you,
A. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2007|10:31 am]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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Dear Neighbor in the building across from mine who's windows line up just well enough that I can hear perfectly in there:
She's faking it. No one moans like that & no one gets off just by telling you how big your penis is. Especially when sex only lasts 3-4 minutes.
Love,
Your sleepless neighbor. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2006|11:52 pm]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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dear j,
if you eat your beef jerky and breathe near me again,
i will chop you up and make you into jerky.
xoxo
your coworker who continually offers you gum |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|09:34 pm]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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Dear Coworker:
I enjoy my job really, I do. I love the library, the smell of the old musty books and the endless possibilties of finding new things to read. But you somehow make me detest every bit of that job. I had been peacefully working at the library for the past month, avoiding coming into contact with you at all. Ben had warned me of you, simply saying, "She's... different." But I figured, I'd give you a chance anyhow. I stepped into work after the two week vacation to be greeted by 32 phone messages, 8 cartons of mail (Normally we don't even get enough mail to get a carton), and countless magazines +newspapers to check in and security.
You came in and set your shit down on the counter, not just a purse - but a purse, coffeecup, bag, manilla envelope, plus other random packages. No, no the counter wasn't full enough. You proceed to leave your shit there to go run some errands since you have some time before you clock in. Nevermind the fact that I had mail divided up in piles on the counter.
You finally clock in to and proceed to walk up to me and gasp. "You're checking in the magazines?" "Uhhh... Yes, I am" "But (our other cowoerker) only does that," you exclaim in a voice that acts as if I was running over small children. "But we've all been trained," I reply. "Oh I wouldn't do that... No, I know Kevin (our supervisor) wll yell about it." I'm sorry Carol, but writing the date & volume number is not that complex of task. I think I got it under control.
Meanwhile, while I check in 3 weeks worth of newspapers and magazines, I inform you that they need to be taken to reference. "Ok, I'll stay here," you tell me. I look up, clearly you must be doing something important. Oh wait, you are working on a rubberband ball? A fucking rubberband ball? Clearly, it is more important then helping me with the stacked up piles of work.
You end the day to tell me about your family. At first, just the basics - you had me interested. But when you told me the professions of each of each of your family members (Including extended family), that was a little much. However, I found it strange that you described your grandson's profession as a "practicing homosexual." I'm sorry, I thought that was a sexual orientation, not a job?
I have to say Carol, the fact that I saw you wearing a "Learn from your mistakes, use birth control" shirt on campus clearly shows me that you are an interesting person. Part of me regrets that you are not working in the library this semester. But the better part of me, does not.
Sincerly, your overworked coworker,
Allison |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|09:07 am]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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dear nasal drip:
i hate you.
love,
my stomach
ps: i'm going to clariton your ass soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2006|11:19 am]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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dear leather jacket guy:
i realize that i may come across as a intelligent person. i raise my hand frequently in class, answering questions and what not. smart women do it for you, i get it. but what i don't get is your stalker tendencies.
so you didnt have a book for class and you ask to copy my notes. how this led to an invitiation to lunch is beyond me. but i respectfully turned you down & informed you of my dating status (Not single)
when you asked me out the next time, i excused it. We can all be forgetful sometimes.
but the next 3 times? now that's just crossing the line. By the third time I was telling you I couldn't because I was engaged and having lunch with the in-laws.
perhaps you are your creepiest when you come up to me when my headphones are on, a book is front of my face and you try to flirt with me. you playfully tap me on the knee, i look at you weirdly in the eyes and look down and continue reading. "Hey there!" I nod, maybe this will prevent further conversation. "I'm so tired" I nod again still not looking up. "Did you know that if you get little enough sleep you can end up with tendecies of a psychopath?" What am I supposed to say to that? "Have fun with that" ???
Everytime I would turn around to look at the clock in class you'd wink at me. I'm looking at the CLOCK. Not into your eyes. I am thinking about what time it is, not our wedding plans.
I apperciate you informing of your anime movies, stephen king novels, & personal problems. But I don't think we can be friends. I kind of make that rule after someone corners me in Barnes & Noble and asks me a fifth time, in which I responded with, "I'm married" You muttered "It's always the sexy ones that are taken."
So listen stalker-man, please just move along when we run into each other places. I don't want a hug, anime recommendation, or to listen to your psychopath tendencies.
Thank you,
creeped out girl. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2006|09:31 pm]
dear (Fill in the blank)
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dear neighbor:
see, it's not that i don't like you. it's just that you are so awkward. you came over today to tell me that you were leaving on a vacation. i understand, neighborly duty and all. but my only other interaction with you is me picking up UPS packages from your house and you acting as if the UPS guy threw them at you, instead of just asking you to hold them for a few hours. you can refuse packages, you know that right?
so back to you showing up on my porch. you stand there awkwardly as i ask if i can help you. you proceed to ask me "are you living here ? will you be here, for the summer?" Err, yes, I am living here. See all this shit inside my living room? That's a good sign I am still here. There is no "FOR RENT" sign in the yard, I will be here for awhie. Especially since you asked me that a month ago when we awkwardly met at the mailboxes.
you tell me about your vacation spot - France. I make some small talk about how great europe is and how i've been there twice. you just keep repeating yourself, "i am going to france. to garden. for a family i know." in all really short sentences. should i not be poking fun at you? is there literally something wrong with you?
"I gave the neighbors, Greg (you point) the key to my house" Ok ... so are you rubbing it in that you like the other neighbors better? so, sometimes i leave the garbage cans out for an extended period of time. often times i listen to the TV loudly. we won't bring up the topic of those pesky UPS packages. "Alright. Well, I'll let greg know if I see anything fishy" "Yes," you say, "because I'll be gone all summer." Yes... I know that, you've told me already.
"Like if you see a UHAUL pull up taking away all my stuff!" you shuffle and make a really loud nervous laughter. that goes on ... a little too long. "I'm sure they won't take those sweet bamboo beat up shades you keep on your front porch nor the mounds of saw dust you put in your front yard"comes out as, "that wouldn't be good! i'll watch out for it!" Really, mystery neighbor (I call you mystery because I still have no idea what your name is), no one will take your stuff.
So let's make a deal, you stop acting as if holding my packages is killing kittens and I'll make sure your shit doesn't get hauled off in a uhaul this summer.
Alright then.
~ your neighbor |
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