So a friend of mine and her girlfriend are taking a day off soon to be together (if you know what I mean). Then I thought about it enough and I found myself jealous. Not that I wanted to be with either one of them, but the fact that their new in their relationship and are going thru that newlywed period where they can't get enough of each other. I realized I missed that.
Now I've been with Monte 3 years come Holloween. Don't think I don't love her, for I do more than there are grains of sands in the world. I crave her just as much. But the 'newness' has been gone but I know the intensity is there. I've not questioned that. But when was the last time I stayed at home with my lover just to be intimate? I don't remember and thus I got a bit jealous at my friends' adventure that's soon to be.
I came home and told Monte about it and how I wanted that. She looked at me in some little puzzled way and reminded me that we have been together for this long and that she was still madly in love with me and am I not still in love with her? Of course I am I told her. I think I'm foolish perhaps in thinking that we should be as them and all fired up and tingling with anticipation and excitement. Well I guess not all the time.
I come home and find myself with this wonderful woman, woman of my dreams, and feel like an ass still wanting the excitment that once was.

It's a price I know I want to pay for having finally all that I have ever wanted. And that may seem selfish and I suppose it is, but I've still no reason to feel jealous.

oh well....

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i came home one day and found my daughter had gotten me back...
this is what she did do my pic




let me show you what I did to her pic that started this...


hahaha...evil mommy i is...haha...

oh for those who requested the pic of the tattoo....

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Welcome aboard!!!!
Lets' give this a shot and see what happens....
I'll sacrifice an old entry and we'll go from there so that every one can get the idea and go from there...


""Bipolar disorder.
So and so killed somebody today and the media stated 'they were suffering from a bipolar disorder'. She killed her children because 'she was bipolar'. etc...
It's okay to be bad when you're bipolar, it excuses everything.
That's bullshit.
Sanity still thrives in this disorder, you can't convince me otherwise. I've been off my medicine and did just fine. I was pulled in every direction all the time, but I managed thru it all. I caused a great amount of stress and pain when suffering thru a moment or circumstance, but I managed thru it without killing someone, (thought I did think I wanted to kill someone), I stayed on top even if I was holding onto a frayed string to do so.

But I was not happy. When not on the meds, as I stated earlier, I do enjoy the highs within the mood, but the lows....my, my, my...the lows are something else indeed. Spite never reigned more supreme as when I'm suffering thru an episode. To cut off my nose in spite of my face....it becomes the rule of thumb to live by.
God doesn't shut any doors during this time, so to open another. I shut them with pleasure during the moment and scoff at opening another. That is how it works. Bipolar. When the doctor first told me this is what I was, everything...every single CIRCUMSTANCE, episode, and result of my life before with family, friends, and strangers, all made perfect sense then. I could then say...
It wasn't all my fault.
Now I control how far I go with it. Ever so careful not to let it get away from me. Reeling it back in when I'm about to lose it all with the roll of chance.

But I won't roll the dice this week.""

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