Onwards with my recapping of every Renner movie I watch and today is The Hurt Locker. I'm late to the game on this movie which I will openly admit. When it came out, I did not have a clear understanding of what the film was about so it didn't intrigue me. I honestly thought it was a political movie about the war in Iraq which I was/am not interested in. I am wary of movies about war to begin with because they have a tendency to over simplify conflicts into good vs bad guys when war is never that clear. I think the Iraq war is an especially touchy issue and I think a film about it could easily start to propagandize for or against the war, which I just don't want to see. So, I very unfairly judged this movie before I saw it.

I watched it for the first time a couple of weeks ago through netflix and within a week I felt the urge to buy it because I already wanted to see it agaub. I couldn't stop thinking about it, a very good sign of a film. I think the movie is one of the best films I've seen in a while and has a real shot of being in my top 10 movies of all time, if I ever could sit down and make a list. There is really nothing negative to say about the film. The writing is solid, with every word sounding authentic to soldier's life. It's not overwrought with grand speeches. The lines are gritty while still sounding like real people would speak them. The cinematography is stunning, part of the reason I insisted I get the blu-ray instead of the dvd. The pacing of the film is spot on. It's got really tense, slow parts with other looser parts that allow you to breath. The movie does not suffocate the viewer in seriousness either. There are small moments of sarcasm and light-heartedness that keep the movie moving along. The supporting roles are also great. It's actually kind of cool that such big actors such as Guy Pearce and Ralph Fiennes took such small roles.

Now to Renner and his character William James. James is probably one of the most interesting characters I've seen in any film. I love how ambiguous the character is. He is obviously cocky and a little bit of a dick, but some of the quieter moments, like with Beckham, show that he has this great heart. He is a fully formed character, that is not clearly good or bad; how most real people are. And the war took a part of him that craves and gets off on adrenaline and made it grow so it dominates his personality. If there was no war, we as viewers have to wonder would he be the person he is, a very valid question. As for Renner's actual performance, it is flawless. I completely understand how he got nominated for an Oscar and am disappointed retroactively that he did not win. His performance is nuanced and some of the most impactfull scenes are the ones where he is by himself. The scene where he lays in bed with the helmet haunts me for some reason and the shower scene is gut-wrenching. He is just brilliant and it's for this reason I really respect him. I will openly admit that I thought he was damn attractive in Avengers and that was the first thing I had seen him in. However, good-looking will only carry you so far in my book (for example Jackson Rathbone). There has to be something else there. Renner really is a phenomenal actor and that is the reason I am attempting to see all of his movies, not because he is another pretty face in Hollywood.

Finally, I just have to say I was completely wrong about this film being just some message movie about the Iraq war. The themes of this movie transcend this war; this film questions the effect of war, any war, on the men that fight it. That is something worth discussing and should be acknowledged more by society. Whether or not one agrees with the politics, men and women put themselves in danger for their country and that has serious consequences. This movie explored this in a very respectful manner. It's funny because my step-dad is conservative and I was telling him I was going to go see Legacy in theaters and he asked if he could join me. I just stared at him shocked. I asked why he would want to do that because earlier that day he was telling me he wasn't that much of a fan of the previous Bourne movies. He said he really liked Jeremy Renner after seeing The Hurt Locker and he thought Legacy looked good because of him. So, I mean if my dad was sold on both Renner and The Hurt Locker, there must be something to it, lol.

This isn't the type of movie to drool over the prettiness of Renner, but here are some of my favorite parts. Once again not my gifs of screencaps.


This whole sequence was stunning.


"Would you please put your comm back in"


I just love this shot.






Dead eyes as he puts the helmet and then him just laying there kills me.


Final Grades:
Jeremy Renner's Performance: +A (I give it the + just because it's the best performance he's given that I've seen.)
Need for Renner's character to get a hug (1-10): 9
Overall Movie: A

I just watched the trailer for Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and part of me thinks it looks like a fun action movie but the other part of me is shaking my head in disdain. I mean the premise is hokey as all hell and the dialogue seems wooden. I saw in an interview that Jeremy Renner said he had no problem doing action films as long as the character was interesting. I respected that and I think he has kept to that. However, I'm just not sure this movie is going to fit within that framework. Who knows though. I've seen trailers that make a movie look so good and it was terrible (The Golden Compass) and I've seen trailers that did not intrigue me but the movie turned out to be fantastic (The Town). I also don't want to be a snob that that is all "Jeremy Renner you are so talented and you are wasting your time with these movies." He can do whatever hell movie he wants and there is something to be said about movies that are pure entertainment. Those movies can be good while not necessarily being a high-brow awards movie (Avengers). However, I'm just not sure this movie is going to be even entertaining, besides the cool action sequences. We shall see.

Oh and am I supposed to suspend belief about the characters' ages? I mean in the flashback they look the same age, but in real life Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner are fifteen years a part and they look it in the film. It must be nice to be a man in Hollywood where you can play young a lot longer than you can play young as a female. I don't mind age differences with couples as long as it's acknowledging there are issues that have to be overcome when there is a 10+ year age difference. But to blatantly try to convince me that a 25 year-old woman looks the same as a 40 year-old man and that they are siblings is just ridiculous and perfectly illustrates the ageist quality of Hollywood.

I can't believe it but I finally finished I'm With You. I have reached my goal of not only writing something novel length, but also writing something that is over 100,000 words. I'm so proud of myself. I am also though very drained. It took forever to finish today and although I'm not completely happy with the ending, I think it is a good start and I can go back and tweak it. Now, the fun part of editing. I went through and edited the first chapter a handful of times and posted it. Now, is just the time waiting for feedback. We will see.

I am finally on the final two chapters of I'm With You. I am about 3,000 words from having written 100,000 words. I am just floored. Now that I am on the second to last chapter, the one where shit goes down, I am so unsure of myself. I seriously had this chapter planned from the get go and it has always been what I am working towards. Now that it is here I can't help but be nervous because no matter how much I try I am probably not going to get it down right, like it is in my head. I think I will sleep on it one more night and then tackle it tomorrow. I am so excited to finally be done writing this story. Even though it is fanfiction I can't help but be a little proud that I have written the equivalent of a novel.

Every now and again I have a day that is best described as a black hole. I am irritable and everything around me puts me on edge. Today, just having my mom asking me a question makes me want to scream. I actually ignored her talking to me by turning my music up so I couldn't hear her. My sister made a snide comment to me and I yelled 'fuck off' to her.

I don't know where the anger comes from and it is next to impossible to ignore. All I wanted to do was make it to bed time when I could retreat to my room and finally be at peace. I made it to 4:30.

I have never known that I had a problem with clenching my teeth. My dentists have never mentioned it, although I have had numerous problems with chipping teeth. Another one of my tooth started to chip and I looked up online what could be some of the causes, and one site said it could be from grinding or clenching your teeth. Didn't think much of it because I thought I didn't do it.

The latest chipped tooth has been aggravated or something, because pressure at all sends pain through my mouth. All of sudden numerous times a day my jaw would be in pain, and only then would I realize how tightly my mouth is clamped shut. It happens when I am grossed out or annoyed, which happens a lot in my house right now. There are so many pets in my house that there is cat hair everywhere and it honestly makes me sick. And there are plumming problems in the bathroom that make it stink. As for the annoying family, sometimes there is just too many things going on and I get over stimulated/anxious and I start to clench my teeth.

It's just so weird because I never knew I did that until the last couple days and now I am hyper aware of it. I am hoping that it will be reduced some by my moving to CWU in a couple weeks. I seriously cannot wait to get out of this house. There is very little I am going to miss about it right now. I have a feeling homesickness is not going to be a problem this time around.

I can't stand being a substitute teacher. Although the actual job itself is not usually that taxing, and sometimes it is downright easy. I mean how can I possibly complain about a job where there are days I literally get payed $100 to watch movies with kids, or read my book all day. Yet, it is not that simple.

The idea of just not knowing what you are going into each day makes me so anxious. Right now I can pick between at least a dozen different jobs, and I know I could use the money next month. But all I can think about is that my heart is pounding and I cannot decide which job will be a good fit. So, I am inclined to do what I always do, avoid and just not work tomorrow.

I know logically, once I get to whatever job I take it probably won't be that bad, but for some reason, I can't get over it. It's so ridiculous and childish. I feel so stupid and lazy, like I am trying to avoid responsibility. Part of the reason I am so poor, is that I pretty much work the least that I can, while still making ends meet. That had been fine until recently with all of the expenses of going back to school. But, I got my housing deposit deferred, so I can't help but feel as if I don't really need to work tomorrow, so why should I?

I will probably regret not working, complaining in a month about how I barely have enough money to get by, but right now my brain does not care. It's too far in the future for me to care, because all I am worried about is this insanely anxious feeling right now. What is worse, when I don't work, I usually sit around and watch tv all day. I don't even do anything productive.

The middle ground I think I have come up with for right now, is to not take a job tonight. I will set my alarm tomorrow and wake up and figure out what feels like a good decision then. I just hope I can get to sleep with this hanging over my head.

I was just thinking about this idea I had to start another journal to give myself an outlet to talk about my tv shows and books. I realized then that I have so many different outlets over what I have to say, and each is a form of censorship on myself. My facebook tells the random thoughts I have, things that are not harmful, just facts about my day to day life. I know my family reads that so I keep it light.

For some reason one of my greatest fears is my family finding this livejournal. I could make it friends only, but I never quite understood having a livejournal that was friends only. This journal as of recently tells the inane musings of mine on Twilight and Glee coupled with the dark thoughts that are result of the my dads death. For the most part my parents know I struggle, but it is not something we talk about day to day. My family has gone through more trials than I feel it's fair for one family to endure. But, that is another story.

But then there is this journal, that so few people even still read anymore. Yet, it still provides a catharthis in both the journals and communities I watch, and my rare posts. Not to mention this journal chronicles two years of high school and my entire college experience. Every time I think of giving it up because of how infrequently I post, I can't stand the thought because of all the truths that I have told in this journal that I wouldn't even speak out loud.

Part of the reason I haven't posted lately is because I have a new way of looking at each day and trying to categorize it. I only have told my parents and a friend or two this, but I'm not okay. I saw my counselor a couple months ago, the last time I could afford to see her because my insurance ran out. Which ever way you slice it I am depressed. I have a lot of the classic symptoms; sleep problems, lack of appetite, lack of interest in normal activities, and low energy.

What is a little more worrisome is something that has happened to me a couple times since my dad died. I have these weird periods of uplifting mood. I have so much energy, I thrive on a couple hours of sleep, I do crazy things, and I'm more productive. A couple of these moments have been documented in this journal, including the best example, my asking of Levi out in November, something I would NEVER normally do, but somehow I had felt like I had been compelled to do it. Without telling my counselor any of my own suspicions, after describing how I felt she agrees that it might be early signs of bipolar. If you are susceptible to it, sometimes a traumatic event can trigger it. I don't know anything for sure and I can't know anything without seeing a psychiatrist. She conferred with a colleague who also agrees it could be a possibility.

However, I am doing little things in my life right now to help. I am taking supplements which have helped level my moods some. I try to go for walks more, although I haven't done it recently because of how warm it is. I am trying eat healthier, but that is easier said than done. I am either eating too much or not enough. But, I guess what I'm saying is that now I look at my day if it is a normal day, depressed day, or a manic day.  There are moments that panic seizes my body for no reason. There are other times when rushes of emotions run through and I can do nothing but scream in frustration. Then there are days upon days where nothing is wrong and I am like I have always been.

My parents know, but I could tell it broke my moms heart when I told her. I never want to worry her again. I told her once in high school that I contemplated suicide, and you should have seen her face. I never want to put my mom through that again, but in the same breath she would never want me to hide this from her. So, I tell her half truths. The supplements are helping...which they are. I just don't tell her about each and every bad day. I think that is why I come on here and spout out really irrational or emotional entries. I have to get it out somehow and that is why I am writing this obscenely long entry.

I wish so much that I didn't have censor myself. I even censor myself in this journal because you don't hear about all the happy moments in my life, those are reserved for facebook or telling people in person. Maybe someday I will have the courage to merge all these different forms of expressing myself, but for now they are going to stay segregated. It's the only thing I can do.

So, remember that curse of my favorite character dying? Yeah, it continues. Watching Spartacus and my fave character on it died. I seriously can't believe it. Ugh. My favorite character in The Hunger Games died as well, although I knew she would...but still. This is getting ridiculous.

In other news I can't stop thinking about Inception. I have seen it twice, but it won't leave my mind, which is ironic considering what the movie is about. I liked it the first time, but the second time I truly started to get the more subtle pieces of the movie. And I will be the first to admit Joseph Gordon-Levitt is freaking hot in that movie. I always thought he was attractive but in this movie...just wow. Not to mention his character was pretty damn awesome.

Okay, I'm going to go back to watching more Spartacus. Ugh.

Has anybody else noticed that certain fandoms and ships attract better writers than others. I am not joking about this. I have noticed some random observations as I have started to branch out from just Harry Potter and Twilight fanfiction. Some fandoms just have better writers and some have crap writers. Here are some observations.

Community has some pretty funny stories. I didn't think fans could come up with stuff as funny as the show, but in a couple cases I was bent over in tears from reading a story.

Vampire Academy has without a doubt the WORST fanfiction ever! There are over a thousand stories and I so far have only found one story worth reading (and it was a one shot that took a scene from the book and flipped perspectives). I'm not exagerating. I automatically don't read stories where the title and summary don't have use proper grammar and punctuation. Then if it passes that test (which surprisingly few do) most of the stories are just painful. Bad characterization, bad stories, and just badness all together. Horrible stuff. I am writing a one shot just so I can maybe put something readable in the pools of crap. It's harsh I know, but so freaking true.

Tin Man is the polar opposite of above. Almost every story is extremely readable and stays true to the show really well. In many cases what the writers have come up with is better than the show. It simply floors me.

Twilight has a wide array of people. What I don't understand in this fandom is all of the human stories. Why change it so vampires don't exist. That is pretty much the thin thread in this book that keeps it from being disregarded as pure fluff. Without the vampire element then there is no tension between the characters or conflict. It just doesn't make sense to me. If Edward isn't a vampire then he wouldn't be all emo then he wouldn't be Edward. You might as well just write an original story rather than making up your own shit and calling it fanfiction.

Glee has a decent smattering of offerings, although a majority of it is for Puck/Rachel or Will/Emma. This is actually the fanfiction I appreciate the most. The reason I read fanfiction is to fill in the blanks of what is missing or to predict the future. Glee is missing GIANT chunks of character development and analysis. Why is Puck such a douche? Why is Rachel a perfectionist? How did Quinn feel about pregnancy? Who are Mike and Matt? Simple things aren't touched with a disappointing so fanfiction allows the perfect platform for fans to carry the torch.

I guess that is enough procrastinating on actually writing my own story. I have finally gotten to Bella's transformation and I really don't know how to write that kind of pain without mimicking Smeyer. I guess. I will figure something out.

Twilight fans are stupid. There is no other way to put it. I guess to be fair I could say the members of the Lion/Lamb community are stupid. I should have known when they took their stupid name from that stupid quote. They keep making polls about which is better and what are your favorite songs, and is Robert Pattinson cute...ugh. Their latest is to pick the best songs from all the soundtracks and the worst from the soundtracks. I don't get how The Bravery or the very least MuteMath didn't make the top list. And then how did Ok Go and Editors make the worst list. I swear these listeners are pretentious Asshats that have zero taste in good music. I guess that is definitely illustrated by Robert Pattinson making the top list.

What is your FAVORITE song of these finalists?

What is your LEAST FAVORITE song of these finalists?

A cause for celebration is I finally figured out the Twilight story I have been writing for over a year. I have written 70,000 words but the last couple of months I have been completely stuck. I knew how I wanted the story to end and how to get the story there, but I just couldn't write it. I finally figured out the ending I had is not the right ending. It came to me the other night and it's just so simple but epicly genius. So I can finally make some really good headway on that which makes me excited.

In other news the job hunting has been going horrible. I have heard back from Wahluke and Aberdeen and I didn't even get an interview. That is a really bad sign that the smaller districts didn't want to bring me in for an interview. It just sucks. I really made a bad career move I guess. What I am thinking right now is continue to substitute next year and then also start taking math classes at spscc. I hate math, but I'll be honest, I love teaching so much that I don't care about the subject. Plus I wonder if my hatred for math is because I was not naturally good at it. I am hoping that applying myself will work. If I do ok at spscc then I am going to go back to cwu in the next year or two and get the endorsement.

Finally, today I got my air conditioner from last summer put into my window here. It's funny because within a few minutes my room started to smell like air conditioned air and it just brought me back to last summer and my dad dying. It's weird how little things can trigger memories. I have to say things all in all have been better lately though. I am taking supplements and exercising which is helping with mood swings. 

I guess I can't complain too much. Off to watch more Without A Trace while writing.

Thursday marks the one year anniversary of my dad's death. I've been thinking about that day for months. What are you supposed to do that day? I mean it's obviously no cause for celebration. You can't go back to your life as usual, but it seems to depressing to just wallow all day. Yet somehow the day must be lived and you have to get through it. On Gilmore Girls I remember Luke has a dark day on the anniversary of his dad's death. He just keeps to himself.

I think that is what I might do. The weather is supposed to be nice so my plan is to go out to the beach. It's where we would have all of our 4th of July celebrations (which were always so much fun as a kid). That had been our holiday and so with it being the 4th just a couple of days ago I think that is befitting. The beach is also where we spread his ashes. I might pack a picnic and just go hang out there for the day, read, listen to music, drink a little and just be with my dad the only way that I can. When I go out to the beach I feel like he is near, no matter how corny that sounds. There are so many good memories out there.

I was thinking of inviting a friend with me, but isn't that just a little awkward and weird? I don't know if this is something I need to do by myself or if having company will make me feel better. I mean you don't want to burden people, but that is what friends are for. I think that is why I am connecting with Black Gold's song Shine so much right now. If there is a song about my life at this moment, it would be that one.

She knows it's time
To say goodbye
To all that she wanted
For all that she loves.

My goal is to read every book that Sarah Dessen recommended on her summer reading list. So, once again I am making a list and knocking them off as I go. One down already. I am reading The Hunger Games right now and OF COURSE my favorite character died. Whatever. I'm giving up. I've got to start liking the main characters more. Anyways.

• Waiting for You by Susane Colasanti (This was almost uncomfortable to read because the main character was me. It was good though.)
• If I Stay by Gayle Foreman  (Probably one of the best YA books I have ever read. Simply amazing and will now probably be butchered because it's going to be made into a movie by the same people who did Twilight...ugh)
• Paper Towns by John Green
• Something Like Fate by Susane Colasanti
• The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han
• Violet on the Runway by Melissa Walker
• Something Maybe by Elizabeth Scott
• Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson (So sad and haunting. Very reminiscent of Speak)

I received Rooney's new album, Eureka, today. Freaking amazing. There's a couple songs I am already in love with. I am listening to it for the fourth time. LOVE IT!

More stuff to say, but don't feel like talking about it until later. YAY!

I liked checking off shows as I finished them for the season so I am going to do another list of all the shows I need to rewatch, catch up with, or try out this summer. The list is daunting, especially when you consider some of these shows have a lot of seasons.

• Finish FNL rewatch
• True Blood (Before Season 3 starts)
• Deadliest Catch
• Spartacus
• Weeds
• The Middle
• Big Bang Theory
• The Tudors
• Skins
• Mad Men
• Gossip Girl
• One Tree Hill
• Robin Hood
• Vampire Diaries
• Flash Forward
• Without A Trace
• Keen Eddie
• Fastlane
• Justified
• How I Met Your Mother
• Da Vinci's Inquest
• Strike Back
• The Take
• The Pacific
• Reaper

Just found out my dental and medical have run out. Wasn't Obama supposed to fix one of those for me. I'll have to look into it.

In the mean time True Blood is coming back to the fore front of my mind. First webisodes have started to pimp the new season which starts in a month. I'm downloading the first webisode. I guess they deal with Eric and Pam...my favorite characters, I'm so excited. And the latest Sookie Stackhouse book came out. I finally found out who she ends up with...ERIC! Sweet Jesus! I hate Bill in the books. So, I might continue reading the books since I know Eric still figures into the story. He is seriously the only reason to read those books.

Well, I'm going to go work on applications some more. With lack of medical it is becoming even more important that I get a job and not just substitute next year.

A lot of shows recently seemed to be breaking down the fourth wall and Glee is added to that list.

Rachel and Puck FINALLY had a scene together and Rachel comments that their couple name is Puckleberry which is the fan created name. I think he responds with that's pathetic. I don't know if I should be insulted, although Puck would feel that way. He also had a phantom mask on which I had in one of my stories, made me happy. Not that I think they read my story, it was just cool to see it actually happen.

Other examples of breaking down the fourth wall.

• The entire show of Community. It is constantly talking about "if we were in a sitcom"
• In Supernatural when the boys find out there is a cult book series called Supernatural which is based on them and it has tons of references to the actual fandom
• In Castle Nathan Fillions character wears a "space cowboy" costume (AKA his Mal costume from Firefly) and they make a couple jokes about it.

This episode was a definite improvement, I am still wondering how Glee is going to continue. The last couple episodes have been questionable at best. My major complaints weren't a part of this episode so I hope they just had a little hiccup. That happened in the first half of the season. I'm not a huge fan of the 2nd and 3rd episode. Here's to hoping.

Although I just have to say if people stopped attacking and pointing out EVERY flaw in Rachel maybe she would chill out. I feel so bad. Every single episode somebody says something to her. I'm not saying she isn't abrasive but I think she is trying to over compensate sometimes and others she is falling into a self-fulfilling prophecy...they expect me to be annoying well might as well get what I want out of it. Ugh. It's getting tiring and I honestly feel bad for her.

Well, I'm tired from subbing. I don't have a job for tomorrow yet. I might get a call in the morning so I should go to sleep now. 

So, I'm officially a Certificated sub for North Thurston and I have my first job tomorrow at a middle school as an English teacher. I have never done middle schoolers so send me some good vibes tomorrow.

I have been working on my applications to be a teacher and can I just say that is a headache and a half. Most of it is standardized but some things piss me off. I spent all this time (ok my references spent time) getting three references for my placement file AND getting three letters of recommendations. But some districts want their own confidential reference forms that are almost identical to the CWU ones. I asked two districts if I could substitute the placement file for them and one said yes the other no. I don't mind doing extra work but this is extra work for my references who are super busy with their own stuff. I don't want to put them out. Believe me when this is done I am doing another thank you card for them and getting them a gift card or something. They are fabulous. Two already said yes, bring it on, and I haven't heard back from the third but I am sure he will be find with it. They are super awesome people. I am lucky to have them as references.

Funny story from last week. Becky and I went to an As Tall As Lions concert in Seattle and I saw one of my students from Student Teaching there. He didn't recognize me. It was so weird to see him out of the class. I wanted to go harass him for being out on a school night but decided I didn't need to embarrass him, not to mention I didn't want to discourage his obviously awesome taste in music.

Finally, I went to the surgeon on Monday and he had a couple guesses but needed tests. So I did ANOTHER Ct scan yesterday which is a crap experience. The technicians were super nice but you have to drink this vile drink that they try to flavor but I think just makes it worse. I won't gross you out too much. But the scans came back fine, so no appendix problems. Next I have ANOTHER ultrasound in a week or so to check the gallbladder AGAIN (I think this is the third or fourth time they have checked). I'm not frustrated with the surgeon, I am glad he is rechecking and being thorough, it just is a sucky situation. I also had to do a urine pregnancy test...joy. I mean it says on my form that I am on birth control and he could have just asked if I had sex recently. Oh well, it's not like I had to pay for it.

Well, I am off to work on applications. First North Thurston, then Shelton, then Tacoma. Let's see how far I get before my vision starts to blur.

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Now playing: Taking Back Sunday - Liar
via FoxyTunes