After reading some of those entries, I have realized that we have significantly grown in our relationship. I think that it is something to be proud of. hm.
I really love you, a lot.
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Hey. I miss you, sir.
So, because I am home for another 10 minutes, because apparantly Mat wants to hang out at around 11, I will tell you about everything I have been thinking about, regarding winter break. 29, 30, 31, 1, 2. Havertown tour, New York City, Philadelphia, Movies and staying in, New Year's Eve, Mummers Parade in Philadelphia [I have never been to it], and various spontaneous things. You can stay in our guest room, or the Inn down the street. My mom thinks you sound so interesting and level headed. I am so happy about everything. I really hope you are as excited as I am. I'd hate for you to think I am being annoying and getting all excited for nothing.
I imagine the play is over, and you are at your friend's house. Or on your way, hopefully not driving at 80, and flying by any troopers. I really want to hear about the play and such. I like plays. Today I went to Ikea. Tonight my mom and I had dinner at Judy's and watched a lot of Willy Wonka.
I did take pictures of my hair, and I am contemplating putting them in here, emailing them, or waiting until we are talking, because I want to hear your reaction. It looks a lot better now, I suppose I was a bit shocked right afterward. I needed it cut, and now it is short and cute.
I will probably be home around 1, I don't really know what "very late" is in the mind of Haoka, but I hope I am up. I promise I will not wait up, because you seemed very against that, but if I happen to be up, I will love hearing from you. Now, I realize I really am rambling in this entire entry, but I hope it helps you to notice even more, how much you mean to me.
I love you, my Haoka.
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My turn to update.
I will never be able to predict the future. I will never be able to say with complete confidence, that we will be together forever. I will never know if you are the only boy I will ever have feelings for, for the rest of my life. I do, however, know that I am in love with you right now. I do know that I will do everything that I can, to be with you and care for you and love you with all of my heart for every single day that I am sure of my faith in us. I am sure that there will be tough times, and points where we feel so ahead of ourselves that we are lost. I am also sure that there will be incredible moments where the world will have never looked more beautiful. And I am positive that if that dreaded day comes when our connection fizzles out, I will always love you, and care for you, and hold you above others deep within my heart. But for now, all I am concerned about is this moment. And at this moment, I anticipate all of the memories we have yet to share, and all of the love and trust and faith that will continue to grow within us. And as much as this sounds like a wedding vow, I am just pouring my soul to you, because I want you to be absolutely positive and aware that you are the only boy in the whole world who will ever be, my Andrew.
Never ever think that you can't talk to me about anything at all that is on your mind. I always, always want us to be able to talk... even if I can barely hear you on the telephone, heh.
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My dear Haoka,
It really scares me when we aren't having one of our good days. It is probably because of all of the uncertainties in our relationship. When there is only one way of communication between two people, any inconsistency is scary.
I just really want you to know that I love you more than words could ever convey. I am going to have my moments undoubtably, and I am going to come off as a major tool, but please don't ever turn it around and make it about you, because the things I say, when I am in that mood, are coming out of my ass. When I told you to find another girl, it was because at that moment I felt that you deserved better than me. At that moment my mind was foggy and all I saw when I looked in the mirror, was this ugly girl. Of course when I look closer, and am not totally flipped out, my self esteem is back.
You make me so happy, and you make me feel so beautiful, and I never want you to doubt that, no matter what my mood. I want so badly for you to be the boy that I love forever, and of course neither of us can ever be sure that that is the way it will be, but for now, at this very moment I am keeping all of the faith in the world set on that one want. Right now, inspite of all of the fantasy, and uncertainty, and all of the pain that could come if it doesn't happen the way I want it, I truely believe that you and I will be together, at least, for the next 6 years.
Now hold still, I am kissing your nose.
hehe, I stole that from you.
By the way, I still haven't asked you about the new job. I imagine not much has happened yet, but I still want to know how it is going. Goodness, I can't wait to stay up all night with you talking in bed. And kissing your nose as you fall asleep at midnight because you are adorable and sleep early.
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 You don't even care.
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Okay, so I sat and pondered for a moment, and I realized that the only way to truely relieve myself of this horrible nervousnous, was to call now. So I just called, and left a very nice, kind of long and awkward message, but the deed is done and I feel better. And it is so odd that I actually take comfort in writing to you in this journal and updating you 10 minutes later.
Goodness, I miss you.
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Neither of us have written in here for a whole 3 days, so I figured it was time. The last thing I would want is for our dear community to be lonely and wordless. So, I have been watching Gilmore Girls, and I noticed that Dean and Rory reccomend books to eachother and are cute. So perhaps he isn't so gross after all. You know...you have to agree with me, because I am right a lot. Right?
I put my camera on self timer and fast exposure, because I was going to say something funny or something and make another flip book type for you. But instead is caught me sneezing. It is pretty hilarious, my face looks like I was exploding, or something.
I have a really bad stomach ache. I haven't eaten since dinner which was a long time ago, so I have no idea what could be causing it. I think I am actually nervous and stressed out about calling the girl tomorrow. How lame am I? I think that I just make plans thinking, hey this could be fun and I could be escaping my comfort zone... so I agree to it and then afterward I actually think about the situation and I freak out. Maybe I should get some help. Ah, yes. I already have help. Too bad all of this happened right after my therapy appointment. What use is she? She didn't even give me her home number, because I guess she noticed that I am not the impulsive suicide type. Dammit. I need to do something to get my mind off of all of this. Perhaps read. Or continue watching the Gilmores. It is kind of relieving to think that tomorrow at around 12 I will feel completely better because I will have made the call and I will not have to worry about it anymore. I need some peace of mind. And I need some more social skills. But peace of mind must come first. Yes, that is an easy one. Not like the chicken and the egg.
Now, you laugh at me and think, "What a genius, she is."
Kiss for you.
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At night when I am alone and missing you, it's hard to breathe. I can't hear music, I can't see movies, and I can't think of anything but you.
comeholdme.
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I don't know what to do with myself without you, so I sit here watching mindless entertainment in a box. I have laundry to do, so I think I may do that now, and perhaps pack for my trip. When I think about next week without you, it seems inconceivable. I plan to go to the library and write to you as often as I can.
I am watching "8 Mile" on VH1, and when Eminem gives Brittany Murphy the finger, they somehow made his finger disappear. I wonder what our society is afraid of? I imagine how you would respond to me in my head. I actually kind of like this movie, am I insane? And they make it wholesome when it is on tv. heh.
So many kisses for you. I hope you are sleeping well. <3
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I'm having a really horrible day already, and I miss you a lot.
comekissme.
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Everything you say is right. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are generous. You respect me and you don't talk down to me. You see me for who I am. You have an incredible mind and incredible wisdom. You have lived and you have imagined living in a castle with me. You are everything that is good. You are the only person that can make me short of breath. You give me tingles by just saying 4 words. You are intrigued by me in all of my simplicity. You photograph your smoothies. You have no furniture. You compliment me to no end. You make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. You are it.
_ ____ ___.
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