---- TW/CN: slurs are used within this post without asterisks ----
---- TW/CN: discussion of systemic & personal abuse of cognitively disabled people ----

( continueCollapse )

Another side note: not everyone CAN change their vocabulary; for some people training out or replacing slurs takes too much cognitive effort, or requires a kind of word control that they do not have (I have heard this particularly from autistic people and people who deal with aphasia). No one can know from the outside who is able to train it out and who isn't, but I hope that people who are able to will make the effort. If we do, eventually these words will become obsolete and thus easier for everyone to avoid.

Here is a list of ableist terms to avoid and non-ableist words to express negative feelings. But on the list of non-ableist words I would avoid 'ignoramus' because having knowledge is a privilege and so insulting someone for lack of knowledge is a very similar problem. Basically, if you want to insult a person or thing, make sure that you are not insulting them by relating them to a devalued group of people, because this further harms that group of people.

If I gave you this link, please understand that it was motivated by affection and/or respect. I have this conversation over and over, and it takes a lot out of me, so I needed to create a less energy-intense way to communicate about it. If I didn't respect you and/or feel affection for you, I would not risk giving you this link. If I have already talked with you about it*, this is my low-energy way of reminding you (with bonus of allowing bystanders to also learn).

I give this link in response to people using slurs. You probably didn't realize that what you were saying was a slur, or maybe you didn't realize the harm. The most common mistakes I come across are use of the words stupid, lame, crazy, or insane. Usually I put asterisks in these to make it clear that I consider them slurs, but sometimes people can't tell what word I am referring to, so I'm writing them out here for clarity.

[a full list of the slurs which I may be referring to - TW slurs]
TW slurs--------

a full list of the slurs which I may be referring to:
stupid,
idiot,
moron,
cretin,
dumb (if you mean the physical quality, the term is 'mute' or 'nonverbal'),
derp,
ermahgerd,
duh,
crazy,
insane,
psychotic,
sociopath,
psychopath,
wacko,
mental,
psycho,
cray-cray,
bitch,
douche,
pussy,
cunt,
lame,
thug,
ghetto,
blind or deaf (when used to mean "not paying attention"),
gay,
retard/ed,
n*gger,
jew or gyp (used to mean swindle/steal/cheat),
tranny,
shemale,
cripple,
slut,
whore,
fag/got
or other words/phrases that are intended as slang for these words such as "special."
------------end TW


Here I explain what is harmful about using these words.

Here I explain why it is still a problem to use slurs even when you are not aiming them at a person.

Here I explain how you are not missing out by avoiding these words: you are becoming a better communicator.

If you read all of this and you still want to feel free to use slurs, please let me know. That is a dealbreaker for me with friendship. I can totally understand it being difficult and I won't hold it against you at all if you make mistakes, but if you have no intention of removing slurs from your communication, you are not a safe person for me and I do not want to invest in you.

*I find it almost impossible to remind people in more direct ways because I empathize so hard with trying and making mistakes and how embarrassing that is. If I give you this link and you have already decided to try not to use slurs, please feel no need to apologize or engage about it, just take it as a reminder. I promise I don't need an apology; I understand that it is a process.

There is a steep learning curve for most people to be close with me because I am so different from the default in identity, values, and language.

( my identity has many facetsCollapse )

( my values and qualitiesCollapse )

( I am careful with languageCollapse )

This on top of the fact that most people have to learn a whole new set of words/concepts to even start to understand me: queer, trans, agender, polyamorous, demisexual, fat & proud, nudist. To understand these things you have to break down the idea that gender is a continuum from male to female or that gender is any set of discrete categories, the idea that there are only two sexes, the idea that you can only be attracted to one gender, the idea that everyone has a gender, the idea that true love is exclusive, the idea that sexual attraction happens by appearance, the idea that fat is bad, the idea that nudity is sexual or scandalous -- for starters.

( I'm invested in social justice and respond to injustice in every aspect of lifeCollapse )

( I have non-average needs in communicationCollapse )

( I cherish art, I cherish creationCollapse )

( I build my own spiritualityCollapse )

( I prioritize friendshipCollapse )

I'm not an easy friend! but my friends have told me that I am trustworthy, compassionate, empathetic, generous, encouraging, insightful, creative, genuine, and growth-inspiring, so I think that I am worth the effort. Still, it's so much easier for someone to be comfortable with me if they are already careful with language and already self-educate on sex, gender, relationships, race, disability, etc.

I recently added some new people here: welcome! I'm gonna re-post some important info for y'all, as I am too anxious with strangers to have individual conflicts, generally.

Language is extremely important; it shapes our thoughts. If you value using any word that comes to mind without considering the consequences, we won't get along. There are a lot of commonly-used words which cause a lot of harm. The most common that I come across are probably st*pid, l*me, b*tch, cr*zy, and ins*ne. I've written a lot about this:

slurs are still very harmful when they are aimed at a situation/action/thing instead of a person / TW: slurs
we can't be friends if you use slurs because it damages me & breaks my trust in you / TW: slurs
slurs are both harmful and not expressive: say what you actually mean instead / TW: slurs

Other language issues that I object to and will unfriend people over include using rape 'jokes' or referring to stereotypes like they are fact (such as saying that girls like pink or that being assertive is masculine). Making light of rape is harmful. Affirming stereotypes is harmful. If I haven't addressed it directly with you I may assume you don't realize, but if it happens a lot and I don't feel able to discuss it with you, I may cut contact with you instead.

I realized as I filled out the national trans survey that the reason why I don't explain my gender to people more often is that I have too many variations from the default that would need explaining, and I don't want to center gender in my identity. Also I don't really have a gender so much as a negation of gender, and few binary people can even grasp the outside edges of that.

But far more central to my identity is wordweaving and thought remodeling: ethical use of language and concepts. I don't use slurs and it hurts me to have them used by others. I avoid oppressive language and coercive language and seek to listen and balance voices. I self-educate constantly. I dismantle stereotypes and problematic expectations in my own mind. This doesn't 'count' as an identity but more than anything else it separates me from others.

( more on this...Collapse )

What does it mean to use a slur?

a slur is a word with derogatory meaning which gets its negative connotation from the 'undesirability' of a group of people. It's a word used to mean 'bad' because it refers to a group of people who are labeled 'bad' by society. It doesn't matter if it is being used against a person or not; it is still a slur. Slurs still cause harm when they are used about situations or actions, because they're still reinforcing the idea that a certain group of people is less worthy. The logic train is mostly subconscious, but it works like this: someone says "this situation is gay" and the implication is "this situation is bad like gay people are bad." If you said a situation was shitty, that would have no meaning if people didn't assume that shit was something unpleasant and unwanted.

So, if someone calls a situation 'gay' or an action 'st*pid' or a thing 'cr*zy' when they find the situation/action/thing upsetting and undesirable, they're (unintentionally) implying that anyone who is put in those categories is also upsetting and undesirable just for existing. When someone uses the word 'b*tching' to mean 'complaining' they are reinforcing misogyny. When someone uses the word 'id*ocy' to mean 'selfish evil' they are reinforcing ableism. (I see that last one so often in people speaking against oppression, and it fucking burns) Etc.

So please, don't call your actions st*pid, or use other slurs to describe things, situations, or actions. Usually what you mean is "illogical" or "thoughtless" or "careless" or "clumsy" anyway -- be more creative! be more accurate! Just take slurs out of your vocabulary completely. There is no acceptable way to use a slur.*

I can't be friends with people who use slurs. When I say I can't deal with this, I don't mean I can't deal with people who call names. That's a problem too, but it is WAY less common. I mean, every time you use these words in ANY WAY AT ALL it stabs me in the soul and there is only so much of that that I can take.

[this is also inversely true.]
This is also inversely true (calling people 'fit' when you mean you find them attractive is fatphobic and saying 'be a man' when you mean 'be brave' is misogynistic, etc) but that's a next-level analysis and at least it doesn't involve slurs. I don't like it but I can tolerate it. it's more like you gave me a hard finger-jab in the soul rather than stabbing.

*except for reclaiming: that is, society puts you in a group labeled with a slur, and you self-identify with that as a way of rejecting the stigma. For instance, I have reclaimed the word "fat" and use it as a self-label. I do not ever use it to mean something negative.

PSA: if you want to stay on my friends list you're gonna have to avoid slurs, especially ableist slurs, because there are only so many I can take. If you don't care that use of these words/concepts hurts me and many other people, you are bad at empathy and I don't want to be your friend. I am happy to give you the benefit of the doubt and point this out once, maybe twice, possibly more if you respond well when I mention it and seem to not have realized, but really, you need to do the work of thinking about your language.

This includes: [TW: ableist slurs]
------TW: slurs-----
stupid, lame, mong, idiot, dumb, idiot, retard, derp, mongoloid, and all variations, such as stupidity, monging, idiotic, dumbass, retarded, derpy, 'special', short bus, etc.
---- end slur list-----


ANYTHING that refers to the idea of "less intelligence" in a non-positive way.

Also, anything that implies mental illness is inherently bad, or uses mental illness as adjectives for their lives or for things they don't like. for instance, "the weather is bipolar" "my mother-in-law is crazy" "I'm totally manic" (if you don't actually experience the mental state of mania, and no that doesn't just mean hyper and happy).

In response to someone in a facebook group asking why bannings were explained publicly:
for marginalized people, seeing that oppressive behavior is not tolerated makes them feel more safe. If it makes you feel unsafe, you might be relating more to people who perpetuate oppression than you are to people who are being oppressed. There's also the aspect that the more privilege you have, the more you feel entitled to a space, so when you are told that you are only conditionally allowed, that is threatening to that feeling of entitlement. But most marginalized people feel only conditionally allowed all the time in every space, so no one is giving you an experience that they have not already had. It might seem unfair or uncomfortable but that is because re-balancing when you are used to being the 'winner' means having some perks taken away.

----

The privileged poor are some of the worst exploitation and oppression sympathizers. Economics is the oppression that most rarely leads to a rejection of the system, probably because it's the one where the carrot is largest and closest. People really think they can get it

---

I have dealt with many people who use the same derails when discussing slurs. I am sick of the same old shit. Derails like "well how do we discuss these important things if I can't even use the word 'l*me'" which is a red herring because a slur-use of the word l*me is not ever going to help fight ableism, and the same applies to other slurs. Or "I would have listened and cared about this important issue if you had just been more polite" which has never happened. People who are going to change when someone points out their error are not going to refuse to change because someone didn't point it out in the right way. Calling out oppressive behavior results in defensiveness or concern, and the only thing that decides which it is is the values of the person who is being called out.

If there is someone I want to be open with and they want to use slurs*, I have to choose between feeling like they occasionally and without warning slap my face hard and then pretend it didn't happen, or I have to put up a wall to them and not connect. I don't want to have to make this choice over something as simple as a single word. As my self-care, I put up a block to people who refuse to make such a sacrifice, because to put up a block to feeling hurt over the word would be to cut off a part of my own soul. I experience hearing slurs with every bit as much pain and disrespect as if someone physically attacked me (more, really, at least I'd feel able to punch someone back if they slapped me). Some days I want to just drop contact with every single person I come across who uses slurs, even if I love them. I just want this shit out of my life. Maybe one day I’ll actually do it and then when people ask why, I’ll say I just couldn’t take the constant punching and maybe then they’ll finally get it. Or maybe they’ll be like “why don’t you value me more than a word?” and I’ll be like “clearly you don’t value ME more than a word. why do you think I should invest in someone who cares more about slurs than about me?”

These words are often connected to violence and abuse, and because of that they have trigger-power: they can make people relive abuse with almost as much pain as the first time. If you have been physically, sexually, or emotionally attacked by someone while they called you a slur, that word may be a damaging one for you to come across, especially in an angry or attacking context.
[list of slurs, trigger warning]

[TW: slurs]----------------------------------

The ones that most people (who I know) can recognize as slurs because oppressed people have said it over and over and over: gay, retard/ed, nigger, jew or gyp (as in to swindle/cheat), tranny, shemale, cripple, slut, whore, fag/got. Words that people do not generally accept as slurs:

Stupid, idiot, dumb -- these words have their power because we devalue people who are neuroatypical: people who don't think in the ways that are valued by mainstream society. They reinforce the idea that to be neuroatypical is to be less-than, much like the word "retard" does. Stupid, in particular, is often used in reference to people who have done something harmful to someone else: this places the responsibility for making moral choices on a person's neurology, and implies that people who may not think as quickly or in the same way are incapable of making moral choices.

derp, that thing where you turn "o"s into "er"s (ermahgerd etc) -- these both get their power from the mocking of people who think slowly or speak differently. They reinforce the idea that to think slowly or speak differently is to be an acceptable target for mockery; to deserve less respect.

crazy, insane, psychotic, wacko, mental, psycho, cray-cray -- these gets their power from the devaluing of people with mental illness. They reinforce the idea that to be mentally ill is to be less-than, to the point of having your rights stripped and your words invalidated.

bitch -- this gets its power from the devaluing of females (and perhaps the devaluing of dogs). It reinforces the idea that to be female is to be less-than. It often is used in the context of rape and thus legitimizes the idea that to be less powerful is to be deserving of rape.

douche, pussy, cunt -- this gets its power from the devaluing of vaginas: if vaginas were respected, not only would the concept of the douche not exist, but liquid that had been in the vagina would be value-neutral. Calling someone a pussy would have no derogatory power. Use of these words as insults reinforces the idea that vaginas are dirty or disgusting.

lame -- this gets its power from the devaluing of people with mobility impairments. It reinforces the idea that to be disabled is to be less-than.

ghetto -- this gets its power from the devaluing of people who live in ghettos. It reinforces the idea that to be poor and/or a person of color is to be less-than.

blind or deaf -- when used to mean "not paying attention" these imply that deaf and/or blind people do not pay attention, or that they are less capable of sensing and interacting with the world.

[/end TW]----------------------------------

Note: when I say slur, I mean that an oppressive word is being used in an insulting or negative way -- I'm not referring to self-labels.

To extrapolate and summarize: "does this word get its insulting power from an association with an oppressed group?" if the answer is yes, don't fucking use it that way. If you don't know what to call a person if you can't call them a bitch or a douche, look up 'bad' in the thesaurus (scroll down past the usage notes to find a shitton more). Or consider actually saying what you mean. On that note, for more eloquent and less me-centered examination of slurs: on use of 'lame' 'gay' 'retarded' etc. as insults or negative expressions.

*except for reclaiming: that is, society puts you in a group labeled with a slur, and you self-identify with that as a way of rejecting the stigma. For instance, I have reclaimed the word "fat" and use it as a self-label. I do not ever use it to mean something negative.

This is from my perspective as a fairly neurotypical person, and may reflect neurotypical privilege; please understand that I am speaking to/about neurotypical experiences/abilities. How this process might work in brains significantly different from mine, I don't know (if you do, I'd love if you'd share with me).

The human mind is programmable and everything we take in -- consciously or unconsciously -- alters that programming. I've recently realized that I have a high level of skill at programming my mind because I started very early. I have always believed that some people can 'hear' thoughts and that I can't tell who can, so if I ever think it would be shitty to SAY something, I make sure I do not THINK it either. That habit started because I didn't want especially-sensitive (thought-reading) people to think badly of me, and as I developed a taste for honesty and openness, it became more central. If I want to be honest and open, ready to answer truthfully whenever someone might ask "what are you thinking?" I need to make sure that my thoughts and utterances match. I consider it a level of profound dishonesty to think one thing and utter another. (This is why I want people to call me by the pronoun that reflects how they see me, rather than the one that reflects how I see myself. If they gender me, I want to know)

I've heard many people say that they "can't help how they think" and to a certain extent, that's true. We can't help the ways that societal bullshit imprints on us, or the thoughts that pop up unbeckoned. We CAN control a good bit of what we let in, and we CAN "talk back," and over time we CAN silence those sexist, racist, etc thoughts. It takes discipline and practice. It takes recognizing that there is some HORRIBLE SHIT inside us, and instead of moving on quickly when we have rotten thoughts, we need to examine them and talk back. An example would be body policing: back in the day I might see someone with clothing that highlights their fat, and think to myself, "she shouldn't be wearing that, she looks awful." Instead of responding to my shame by ignoring the fact that I'd just thought that, I would talk back by saying, "why am I judging how someone else chooses to decorate themselves? She has a right to put anything on her body that she wants. She has no obligation to dress in a way that I would prefer. What is it that I think this person 'shouldn't' be doing? Showing their fat. What is wrong with that? nothing. What is it that is preventing me from seeing this person as perfectly beautiful? I am thinking that fat is bad. Fat is not bad, it is just a body part. Now I will look again with intent of seeing them without the lens of social judgement. Now I can see [the entire person, whom I missed because I was so busy judging out of fatphobia]." Fatphobia is an easy example for me because I feel sure that I'm 99% over it. I have no idea how much of most other prejudices are still in me, so those are harder to talk about. It's weird because at a certain point of learning about racism and sexism, I would hear those things in my head. I would hear things like "bitch" or "watermelon" (the last one I found very strange because I didn't even know that liking watermelon was a stereotype until I took a class on racism) and be shocked and ashamed that those associations were in my head, particularly because I had never accepted them as truth, and yet there they were, in my subconscious. I still feel a lot of shame that that would ever occur to me, but my only power over my mind is what I allow to STAY, not what comes in (though that, too, we can affect by not watching media that supports stereotypes, not putting up with other people saying prejudiced stuff, limiting our exposure to those memes as much as we can).

If lookist/racist/sexist/ableist (etc) slurs come to your mind when you get angry with someone, that means you still have those thoughts embedded in you and they are still doing damage to yourself and others, whether you can notice that damage or not. When people are put under pressure, what gets squeezed out is whatever is in your subconscious. If you haven't cleared that stuff out, it's going to be horrible HORRIBLE stuff; increasing with the amount of privilege you have. Violence, hatred, prejudice, arrogance, entitlement, etc. It's so important that we don't try to stuff those thoughts and urges down but instead dissect and cast them out. I am not saying ACT on the bullshit that comes out of your subconscious! I'm saying WORK on it. If you have an urge to be violent to someone or call them names or if they become a stereotype to you when you're angry, examine that, deal with it. If you don't feel equipped to handle it yourself, ask a trusted friend or get counseling (if you have access to those things). At the very least, be honest with people who trust you. Don't pretend to be perfect; be willing to accept it when people point out that your imprinting is showing, and take that opportunity to look CAREFULLY at where that is coming from and what lies you might subconsciously be believing. If you have people in your life who are willing to do the (exhausting, unrewarding) labor of pointing out where you need to unlearn things, take that for the gift that it is; don't just use it to hide your prejudice, use it to change your mind. PRACTICE.

This is something I know I need to work on. Being honest about my ignorance (especially when it comes to race and disability) is hard for me. If you notice me doing/saying something that reflects ignorance, privilege, or prejudice in any way, I want to know. I'm not going to take it as you calling me a bad person, I'm going to take it as a possible new pathway to removing imprinted lies. I feel nervous because as far as I can remember, I have learned my problem areas indirectly, and I know it has to have occurred to people that I was showing problematic beliefs, but I haven't been called out on it directly (except to be called "racist against whites" and "sexist against men" which [so far] has always been a problem with understanding how privilege works). I fear that I might seem too dogmatic or something. I hope that people will be frank with me about these things.

url for sharing: https://tinyurl.com/belenenhouseagreements

1) We practice body acceptance:

• This means that clothing is optional so if you want people to be clothed, ask ahead of time (and you may get a "no"). It also means that negative body comments are not okay without checking in to see if people are okay hearing them, and negative body comments about someone other than yourself are absolutely not allowed.

2) We practice sharing:

• We want you to feel at home while you are here. Most things on the main level are for sharing; if something is a one-time-use item (like food or paper) then get permission before using.  If you use something, put it back in the same condition when you're done.

3) We practice eliminating stereotypes:

• We expect everyone to make mistakes and take them as an opportunity to learn rather than a slight on their character.
• Guests and residents are expected to be prepared and willing to be made aware of their privilege/prejudice.  EVERYONE has privilege/ignorance/prejudice they need to work on.
• If you hear something that is exclusionary, prejudiced, or ignorant, please speak up if you can and point it out.  If you can't, please talk to a resident or host about it and we'll try to address the issue.

4) We practice maintaining safe space:

• Intentionally prejudiced or violent language/behavior is not allowed, whether serious or as a "joke."  This means threats of violence are not okay ("joking" or not), saying things to make people feel excluded or inferior (on purpose) is not okay, hitting or threatening to hit is not okay, yelling at people is not okay, calling names is not okay, making "jokes" that rely on the 'inferiority' of a group/person are not okay, rape "jokes" (including rape as slang for mild suffering) are not okay, slurs are not okay. 
• You're not expected to remember this list but you are expected to stop immediately if someone calls you on breaking safe space. (arguing that this language/behavior is acceptable is also breaking safe space). If you are not willing to do that, you are not welcome here.

5) We practice resolving upsetness:

• if something upsets you, assume good intentions and share your feelings without judging or blaming. If someone is upset by you, empathize and explain before problem-solving.

6) We practice being honest and open:

• we are not here to avoid conflict but to make conflict creative. If you are feeling or thinking something upsetting, please try to express it kindly and frankly.

7) We practice comforting each other:

• If someone says "I'm hurt," all of the willing & able people are encouraged to offer a group hug, throw kisses, or otherwise express care. This includes expressing care to a person who feels hurt by being called out on their stereotyping or unsafe behavior; however it is not a substitute for discussion, nor are people obligated to give comfort.

8) We practice radical consent in cuddles and sex:

• all people involved are both desiring AND consciously choosing to share touch.  Ask first! get a definite yes (either verbally or non-verbally) before continuing. Before beginning genital or other overtly sexual touch, either get consent of others in the room or move to a more private space.

9) We practice consent for sharing space:

• Before inviting people over, discuss it with the people who live in that space! Guests, ask a resident, and make sure your invitees are aware of the house agreements. Residents, tell the residents that might be affected by your guests.

10) We practice expressing needs:

• If you have a need, please express it to a resident if you can. We want to be accommodating if possible (for instance, if you are feeling socially anxious but not wanting to leave, we can provide quiet alone space).

11) We practice recycling:

• DO NOT THROW AWAY PLASTIC CONTAINERS!!! Recycle what can be recycled, and if you don't want to wash out the item, leave it and Belenen will wash it.

This is open-source: use as you will, but if you edit it, name it something new ;-)

An lj friend of mine was pondering pejorative use of words like 'lame' and wondered if "by stripping (colloquial or written) language of everything that could possibly offend anyone ever, you're stripping it of tools for expression that can't necessarily be replaced." I don't want to strip language of tools for expression, of course, but I think one can easily tell if negative use of a word might cause suffering by asking the question "does this word depend on the assumed inferiority of a group of people to be meaningful?" If so, one could then make the argument that if it caused only a little suffering and provided benefit by being expressive, it might be worth it; however, I do not feel that commonly-used invectives are expressive. For instance, most people who use the word 'lame' to mean 'negative/inferior' aren't thinking "people with disabilities are unpleasant/inferior just like this situation, therefore this is an appropriate term" (which would be expressive as well as overtly prejudiced), they're just repeating a term they've heard used with no thought as to the connotations of the word. Being expressive involves thinking about the meaning of what you are saying and the impact it will have on who you are speaking to (among other things).

I also think derogatory use of person-descriptive words has the effect of reinforcing social stigma, and I consider the slimmest risk of reinforcing negative stigmas to outweigh any enjoyment/camaraderie that might be found in using a culturally-approved insult.

Furthermore, I consider short judgment statements to have no purpose. When people say "That's [negative adjective]" they're not actually saying what they mean. Often they mean "I don't like that" or "that makes me uncomfortable" or "I wish this was different" or "I feel for you, that situation would upset me too" -- but instead of expressing feelings directly, they pronounce a judgment as if it were a fact. One is supposed to intuit what they mean by this vague judgment. Saying "That's [negative adjective]" all by itself has no real meaning -- and if you go on to explain, it becomes unnecessary. Calling something 'retarded' or 'gay' or 'lame' is a sideways way of saying that one doesn't like it; it would be much clearer to state exactly what one doesn't like and why and how it makes one feel. It's also more vulnerable though, so I can understand the impulse to make a judgment statement instead of an emotion statement. Since I came to think this way there have certainly been times when I've been silent where I would previously have made a judgment statement, because I couldn't bring myself to express my emotion on it (either because I was feeling vulnerable or because I worried that expressing my feelings would seem intrusively personal to the person). I feel that silence is a better choice for me than judgment, and I feel also that it motivates me to practice openness. (I sometimes resort to saying variations on "that's horrible" but my goal is to express feeling instead)

And as far as the emotional side of this, it upsets me to hear someone describe something as 'retarded' or 'gay' or 'lame' as a way of expressing negative emotion, because I feel that that is a careless insult to anyone who might be accurately described by the literal definition of those words. I know that, for example, not all gay people would be offended by someone saying, "that's gay" in a disparaging way, but for me that's irrelevant. Even if it is unintentional AND misses the target, it remains an insult. I believe intensely in the power of words and when a word is uttered in a negative context over and over, I believe it sends negative energy to everything attached to that word. So it makes me cringe because I feel like every time someone does that, it hurts people, even if no one is consciously aware of it.

ETA: not to mention, there are people for whom these words are triggering because they often are used in abusive situations. It is not okay to express yourself sloppily and risk causing someone to have a PTSD flashback when you could just be a little more creative and honest instead.

This sort of builds on my thoughts on 'curse words' (which I wrote over 5 years ago so don't judge me on the rather scattered and unsupported quality! it needs re-writing, but it pretty much gets the point across).

Replacements for the ableist slurs "retarded" "herpderp" "crazy/mental/insane" "lame" "dumb/stupid/idiot" (includes links to why those are ableist)

In reading my journal, you might have noticed that I use the word "fuck" and some other 'objectionable' words. Here's my feelings on 'curse words':

There are two kinds; type 1 consists of words that are considered 'vulgar' by society, and type 2 consists of descriptive insults.

Type 1 I have no objection to. To me, saying "shit!" when you stub your toe has no negative effect whatsoever. Likewise, the gerund "fucking" has come to mean "extremely" or "the epitome of" – a satisfying version of "very." Why satisfying? because it is a harsh, extreme sound, fitting its meaning. Also included in this category are words/phrases like: "fuck" "crap," "damn," "ass," and "pissed off." (as long as they aren't used against people, like "fuck you" or "you're an ass")

Type 2 consists of words that define a person as an action -- [TW: all kinds of slurs]"cock-sucker" "liar" "mother-fucker" or a body part -- "cunt" "dick" "ass." (I don't find those words offensive when used to mean actual body parts, but I don't think it is okay to call a person by them and thus reduce them to a body part) Also included in this category are words like "slut," "bastard," "nigger," "spic," "whore," "fag," "[that's] gay" "retarded," "bitch," "asshole," and "idiot." These words are dehumanizing. Any one using the word 'slut' is stating that some women are nothing but 'dick receptacles' -- supporting the idea that some women deserve to be raped. Any one calling someone a 'bastard' is not only missing the target and insulting his mother, but is also stating that people born out of wedlock are worthless. Any one calling something/one 'gay' as an insult is stating that queer people are worthless. Using ethnic slurs like 'nigger,' 'spic,' 'mick,' etc. is obviously denigrating an entire race – saying that their race or country of origin makes them less of a human than yourself. All humans have equal value and any opposing idea is disgusting.

Also, I understand that 'bitch' is often used to mean 'strong, opinionated woman' – what the fuck? "I'm going to call myself less-than-human to express my strength." ??? You can't take an insult upon yourself and change the meaning to a positive one. Call yourself an Amazon, or compare yourself to a woman like Hatshepsut – don't try to 'reclaim' a word that never had a positive meaning. ((I understand exceptions for those who have strong dog totems and literally mean 'female dog' when they call themselves 'bitch'))

Not to say that I am perfect! I break my own moral code sometimes, especially if someone harms one of my friends. Most of those words I have trained myself out of but I allow myself to dehumanize people by calling them 'assholes' sometimes. I hope to eventually quit that.